Friends - Groups

It's better these friends talk about their outside the group activities then keep them secret. As someone else wrote, when they talk about having done something you are interested in doing tell them sounds fun and you'd like to go sometime. Sometimes, it is just easier to make a plan with one or two rather then five people. Make a plan with Kim and Mary to start.

I felt like you were talking about my two sisters. I am hurt by it. I try and tell myself that I am too sensitive. What it boils down to is, I decided to branch out and find some new friends. They are what they are. I am who I am. I'm tired of feeling less than because of their actions. I joined a book club and from their networked into some friends. Don't burn your bridges, but don't be a doormat either.

You are being too sensitive... but we've all been there!

It sounds like 'Kim' is your real friend b/c you were with her prior to the whole 'gang' getting together. I would work on getting together with her more often and just see the others on the family nights. Nothing wrong w/ you and Kim having a different relationship than you have with the others esp. b/c you were friends first.

Rise above the sophomoric atmosphere and just be your best self when you are with them.

Hi. It is so hurtful to feel excluded. My friend was ignored in her child's private school until some moms saw that the richest woman there was talking to her and becoming her friend. Now they are totally friendly after 5 years of not being so. She saw through them right away. I think if that were the case with you, it would have been obvious as well. They even had the nerve to verify she was actually friends with the rich M. before asking her out.

Also, I agree with the suggestion to find new friends. There are some moms in our school who do this and so their kids get to do things together. My daughter wonders if scouts are doing things without us because we are all in scouts. I try to explain that those moms know each other better and have more in common. These woman are not outright mean, but I feel bad like this and left out after spending time with them. Other friends are glad to see me and I feel valued.

Your letter is totally clear and reasonable. Every word makes sense and I can relate to your post. You seem very sensitive and caring-things I want in a good friend.

I wonder if some of the moms have extra cash and go out a lot. I know we FINALLY got out of debt, mostly medical. We finally can afford to eat out, travel, go to the movies. I feel funny asking people out if they have complained about money because I am afraid it will be a hardship. I don't even like one M. I go out with anymore and she finds me frustrating as well. We do volunteer work then try out local restaurants because we can afford to splurge once in a while and we don't like eating alone. We both have other moms we would love to spend time with but they are busy or money is too tight to go out. It is not about them.

I have a similar situation right now. But I try not to dwell on it. Life is changing all the time and there are opportunities to meet new friends on the horizon. If there aren't for you, make them. Take a class, volunteer,or join a new playgroup.

You do sound like a really nice caring person as another mom suggested :) And maybe what you need is a close friend of your own (like Mary and Jane have) that you can have outings with, while keeping M & J as casual friends. My sister-in-law lives in Madison too and is a new stay at home mom with a 2 month old little girl. She's really great and a kind person and I think it would be nice for her to meet other moms. PM me if you'd be interested in meeting up with her and I can connect you two.

I definately think they are being really fake to you. Well to everyone. And you are just someone who is there when they "need" you, or need you to do something for them. You are what I call their "backup friend" a person who they dont normally hang out with, but if they dont have anyone else to do what they need then they call you. It hurts it really does but why would you want to be friends with them? They are just using you and arent really genuine. They seem genuine because they are fake, and are so good at putting on a song and dance for you. They are sweet when you see them or run into them but when your away they honestly probably do talk about you behind your back like you were saying.

I have run into so many of these women and fell for the game they were playing a few times, they are all the same. It really sounds like they are hurtful people and not worth your time or effort. I wouldnt call them or reach out to them. If they do to you then thats fine, but I wouldnt waste my energy on them. They dont seem to care what a good person you are and that you are more than that.

I would even bet that they are deep down jealous of how awesome you are and they are just mad cause they arent :)

I think that you should forget about them and go and get some friends who will appreciate you and be true friends.

Hope that you dont let them get to you too much, you arent being too sensitive.

Best wishes!

It sounds to me like they're doing you a favor. If you want to make some new friends, join your local Lion's club!

I understand how you feel. But as you said - are you reaching out enough? Maybe they wondered how interested you were since you didn't (I'm guessing here) initiate anything? In the end, though, do you really like them, or are just put out that you're not included? If you really like them, then start reaching out and initiating things - even if with only one at a time. If you really don't like them - or don't need them, then keep it casual. It's hard to make good friends at this age, esp. if your kids' activities change. Seek out people you like and see how it works.

I can completely sympathize with how you feel. I have a couple of neighbors (we've got kind of a tight knit group of neighborhood families with all of our kids around the same age) that are always getting their kids together to play and going out at night, just the moms, together. At first I was kind of weirded out by it, wondering why they didn't ask me, but then I realized that their personalities are perfect for each other. They just quickly fell into being fast friends and that's fine. I have my friends who are not a part of our group, and there's nothing wrong with that.
As you said, you haven't reached out yourself either. If you really want to be included, maybe you could set up a girls night plan yourself and invite them. Or maybe, the next time they mention their nights out, you could casually respond with something like: "Wow, that sounds like a lot of fun! Call me next time, I'd love to join!" Something like that is casual enough to just feel like a natural part of the conversation but not putting them on the spot about it. If they invite you, great! If they don't, well, at least you tried and maybe the negative Nancys aren't the right girls for you anyway!

In 20 years will it even matter?

as i get older i have decided that quality is better than quantity. although what they are doing is hurtful to you it shows their true character by talking about their outings in front of you. not only that but the one talks about so called friends behind their back (this alone is a deal breaker for me). so you need to ask yourself if this is what you want in friendships. it is hard to let this go & not feel excluded but like you would teach your kids not to hang out with *mean kids*, you need to do the same.

I agree with you. It does seem like Mary and Jane don't like you, which is why they are not including you with the other clique of women. Shame on them for talking about previous outings when they are right in front of you! That is very inconsiderate of them! It is almost as if they are intentionally trying to hurt you by talking about their previous nights out in front of you. If your kids enjoy playing with their kids, maybe you and your family should continue getting together with them for that only reason. However, don't try to be friends with them anymore. I wouldn't bother trying to make more of an effort - it does seem like they are purposely not including you in their plans. Try branching out - join a book club or moms club or something and make new friends. These women are not your friends. I am sorry - I know how bad it feels - I have been there myself. Best wishes.

My advice : FInd some new friends. This whole chaotic situation sounds like high school garbage to me and I wouldn't put up with it. If you want to be friends with them, call them and ask them to do things! If they seem to be uninterested, then thats your cue to go ok, I have grown out of this friendship and move on. Friendships aren't easy, but they take work and attention -just like marriage. So if you want to be included, say so! Tell them, Oh I heard you and so and so went out the other night--that sounds like so much fun! Be sure and call me the next time you girls get together! Or something like that-be direct--and ask for what you need and want. You can't always get it, but there is no harm in asking. Hope this helps and try not to be too hurt-they may have no idea that you would want to go with them-some people can be funny about those things.....good luck!

M