Is It Just Me or Are Other Parents Being Snobby?

Yes, some places are definitely very cliquish. It's frustrating:-) Luckily it's not a problem where I live now!

Hi R.,

What exactly are you considering snobby? It sounds like you are feeling judged because you don't have a fancy car or some of the 'trappings'.

I don't know your entire experience, but I can share mine. I've been around schools and preschools for years and see that some parents become friends with each other easily; some don't. My son's been in a great preschool for a year, and I'm only guessing, but it's likely that we're the lowest on the economic totem pole in that group (not that anyone has ever said anything or given me reason to think they've noticed). I still go out of my way to say hi, join in conversations when it's appropriate, and to reach out a bit. I think it helps if you like your life already, feel confident and unapologetic about it. If you feel self-concious for 'having less', it's going to show.

Let me ask you this: who do you want to connect with? What would you like to change? Can you take steps next year to find a way to show that you have something to offer? Just some ideas.

Admittedly, some days I feel a little sorry for myself that I see some friendships forming and I haven't made that sort of connection. But I don't feel like it's me being judged by them. I think it's just life. I'm happy with the friends I have, and have no hard feelings toward those other parents. (And most of them drive pretty nice vehicles... we walk, ha ha.) And yeah, some kids are going to have the overly-choosy micromanaging parents who will get all materialistic. Please know that your daughter is missing *nothing* by not being exposed to these folks even more.

Have you done things like initiate playdates at your house etc? It's hard to say if they're being snobby if you're not making an effort yourself but rather kind of waiting to be included. If you haven't gone out of your way, I don't think it's necessarily them being snobby versus having enough friends and if you don't try, why would they? It's definitely possible it's the money thing and that would be terrible. Sometimes though it is superficial things on a combined basis though. Do you otherwise kind of fit in or they're all dressed up and you're super casual, a bit messy etc? I'll admit that I've come to the conclusion I'm likely to have an easier time with someone who is like me. I definitely will be friendly etc to whoever but I won't go out of my way if on the surface we seem different and they're not making any effort themselves. I just don't have all that much time...

I know what you mean. My daughter has several friends who live in a very fancy neighborhood near us. Literally all of these girls live in small palaces. We live in a nice house, but it is nowhere near a small palace! LOL We all live within half a mile of each other, so our neighborhood is just the upper-middle class version of their super-rich gated neighborhood. In any case, one of these moms, when I invited their daughter to our house to play, said, "Well. We would feel better if Emma didn't play in *that* neighborhood. It's not gated." Uh... okay. Like our house, which is within walking distance of theirs, is in the projects or something! What the heck?! The next time she called to invite my daughter over there, I felt like saying, "I don't want Kiki to play in *that* neighborhood. It's full of snobs." But I didn't. I just said we were busy, and have since encouraged my daughter to branch out and make normal friends. Ugh.

I had a neighbor in a fancy looking 4000 sq foot house come over and say "lovely home, and you can always upgrade the counters later" since we have formica and they have all stone. But their house is just bigger not better, and I grew up in Holland with all marble and stone and hated the coldness of it, so chose the formica on purpose. I think it has to do with how comfortable you are in your own skin and with your choices. I have had guys comment on my wedding ring as well (in Holland we do not do engagement diamonds, only a nice wedding band, mine has channel set emeralds) saying "is that all he bought you" when hubbie took me to the store and told me I could buy any ring I wanted, and I chose the simpler one so I can get my hands in my pockets without worrying about losing stones. So just be confident with who you are, and your kids will feel the same. I have already told my kids there will always be folks who don't like you, just like you don't like some folks, so live your life to your own standards. I think communities are more "virtual" nowadays - when we were kids you were automatically friends with your neighbors. Now my kids have close friends that live further away, but they Skype and text with them daily, and meet up for get togethers or sleep overs. They also play with the neighborhood kids at times, but it is rare now that they are in middle school and up.

Well I would say this...even as adults we find people we are comfortable with and we gravitate towards them. I would hesitate calling them a clique without more info, but yes, maybe they are a close group of friends who often do things together. Sadly, many adults never outgrow those anxieties of their younger years on how to make new friends, include people and just generally be socially appropriate. So my inclination is that they are not trying to be snobby towards you but are just involved with their friends and aren't realizing that you're excluded and feeling left out.

What is it that you really want to tell them off about? I think maybe there is more to your story that you didn't include but unless they are being outright rude to you, your child or someone else, I wouldn't think it's appropriate to confront them in a negative way.

How do you know these people care that you don't drive a big luxury vehicle? Maybe you might be being a bit defensive? I grew up with my parents like this. My dad always called suit and tie guys yuppies and my mom had plenty of her own comments.

I learned to get to know the people and come to my own conclusion instead of automatically thinking someone is cliqueish or a yuppy if they do this or that. Most of time, you will find that people are usually nice. Yes, you will have a bad apple or two but don't be so harsh on someone just because they want a luxury vehicle. Most everybody wants to have nice things.

Try going out of your way to talk to them and you might find that you feel differently, but then again, maybe your original thougts were right.

Sometimes people aren't the way they seem. They are insecure with themselves, so they project snobbiness or better than thou attitudes---when in reality, they are just scared little chickens who don't know how to make friends or be a friend! I suggest that you pick one or two families and make an effort despite this attitude from them and try to get to know them!!! Who knows, maybe they think the same thing about you??? Reach out, you never know who your next best friend will be!

M

Lots of people are superficial & materialistic & like to judge, it's not just that particular school.

As for this group of parents, you say they "seem" that way, but have you actually tried to extend the olive branch or ever spoken to them? Sometimes the "clique" thing can be in your head because you've psyched yourself out of getting close to or opening up to people. It can also be an insecurity or jealousy thing.

If you are comfy with your life & possessions, then who cares? I'm just wondering what you're basing your opinion off of, as it sounds like you don't actually associate with any of them. If you choose not to talk to them, then are you really any better than they are? They may be thinking you are stuck up, as well.

These types of parents are the ones who are SO desperate to have their kids be "THE" kids. Be polite and basically ignore them. Let your daughters personality, manners and abilities speak for themselves.

I would need some more details before I could tell you if they were being snobby, or if you are being too sensitive. How do they act? How do you know it bothers them with regard to what car you drive?

It's probably a mixture of both. They are being a little uppity, but you are letting it bother you. Don't worry about it!!! If your daughter is happy and children are nice to her, then the parents don't need to matter to you.

Oh 3rd grade was hard its when I noticed all the cliques and the in crowd and the out crowd. PTA kids and teacher kids getting treated different and better than the rest. You see the thing is those PTA parents are in the school every day helping out. Working parents cannot compete with that.. We have also been in High profile schools where indeed the parents decide if you do not belong to the right country club or the right neighborhood then your outed. Horrible life lessons.

This bugs me too. I've not been in this exact environment but I've had situations at church or homeschool groups where the moms didn't want to give me the time of day. It bugs me. I just wonder why? I'm friendly so if I'm around people a lot, I expect them to be friendly back...LOL Especially, if we have somethings in common and our kids are in activities together etc. I'd be irritated too if I were in your shoes. =D

It stinks, but I think it's just part of life.

I think some mother's thrive on being in the "IN" crowd - just like they did in HS.

If it makes you feel any better, I know people who seem to "have it all" but it's all a facade. With this economy their worlds are crumbling. Yet they STILL continue to buy buy buy. I think some of it is a "keeping up with the Jones'"/image thing, and I think another part is that by buying they are filling other voids in their lives. (I say this out of personal experience with these people).

Teach your daughter that she can be friends with whomever she wants. Just make sure she knows what "friendship" means...i.e. people are nice to you and are your friends no matter who is around.

As far as the other parents, try to let it go. I'm sure there are others out there who are feeling snubbed like you. Try to find them and don't spend anymore time thinking about the people who won't give you the time of day.