Follow up to "Lack of Interest, Discomfort or Respectful Distance"

It's possible that she is listening and paying attention to what you say. She just isn't responding outwardly, so you don't know it. There are personalities like that. Love her - and talk to her - anyhow.

I do think the problem is you expect them to say something.

I am very interested in people's stories, but I can't imagine I would ask anything more about the dirty shoe comment you made. I mean, really what is there to say on that? It's really a closed comment, that needs no further questions. Should she have asked, "why did she say that?" The answer to that is obvious. Should she have said, "when did she say that?" Well, it's implied when you were a child. She she have asked, "why were your shoes dirty?" It's rational to know kid's shoes get dirty. Honestly, ask yourself what you expected her to say. Realize, that it's your expectations that are unfair, not her lack of questions.

They don't need to know your past. If your parents were alive and they had to socialize with them, they would likely have or want to know some things. You have to remember, that YOU had a relationship with your parents. (And still do, through influence and memories.) Your parents are not living, your in-laws have literally zero relationship with them. There is no need for them to explore them, because they have no living need to know their information. I hope that does not sound harsh, I'm just trying to make you understand why I think it's normal for them to not inquire. My grandfather dies when I was very young, and my grandmother had Alzheimer's before I even met my husband. He doesn't really ask about them, and it's not because he doesn't care about me. He simply has no relationship to them, or their memories.

Do you ask THEM about their parents? If not, why? Even if they don't talk about them, let's look at this hypothetically. What if every time they said something about their childhood or parents, they expected you to inquire about them. Their feelings were hurt, because you didn't ask and be and inquisitive, as they expect you to be. Is that fair to you, for them to hold onto that hurt, and those expectations? it's really not.

ETA: I'm sorry, but how on earth were you hurt by my comments? I said nothing rude or inflammatory. I'm seriously scratching my head, about how my comments could even be taken as hurtful. I'm beginning to think you might just be a really sensitive person, and I just can't relate to that. I'm sorry if you were hurt by my comments, but they were simply constructive, and I was not insulting you. I don't get it, sorry.

i cannot understand how bug's comment hurt your feelings. which leads me to believe that you may be a very nice, sensitive soul who perhaps overthinks things. and i'll bet that's what's going on with your in-laws.
this may not apply at all, but it's what sprung to mind when i read your post, so perhaps it will help.
my father has a new girlfriend, who is trying very hard to be accepted by the family and not be intrusive. i really do appreciate her sensitivity, but her methods don't jive well with me. her way of trying to smooth her path into the family is to share lots of details about her own life, nothing awful, but things that are close to her heart, and which frankly i'm not ready to hear about. it's a forced intimacy, not one which is arising naturally from genuine liking. i get why she does it, but it makes me uncomfortable, and far less likely to ask her anything about herself because i want to avoid the gush of 'sharing.'
you can't force interest. whether your in-laws are genuinely uncaring about you, or whether they are simply trying to be polite and sparing you from painful memories, you can't 'hint' them into wanting to know. your comment about the shoes wasn't really an opening unless your MIL is one to seize on that sort of thing. but if you said to her 'my mother used to say that worn shoes are the sign of a healthy child. what do you think? were you a barefoot and carefree sort of mom, or did you have your kids clean their shoes regularly?'
if you open the conversation by soliciting her opinion instead of just wanting her to hear your stories (not saying that's what you're doing, but it could be how she perceives it), perhaps she'll be more likely both to open up and to ask you to do so.
but some people are just not sharers.
khairete
S.

Since you seem like a sensitive person, do you think you can see past your own hurt and consider that maybe they, themselves, are just trying to be sensitive too? They very possibly believe that asking you questions might be invasive or painful for you. Can you believe that perhaps, to them -- due to their culture, or their generation, or the way they were raised -- they fear they would be intrusive and cause you anguish if they ask the questions you wish they would ask?

The older generation was generally taught that they should not intrude on others and not do anything that might bring painful feelings to the surface. This is very typical among all my late mom's friends and all their spouses and it stems, I think, from their upbringing: Privacy is good, privacy is what everyone desires, and they should not get into others' business. I see this in all the older folks I know and I know a lot of them; they are very caring but would never dream of asking questions that might cause upset. They are glad to tell stories of their own, or to be told stories, but they might never ask about dead relatives for fear of finding out it's a sore point.

Your in-laws may not have any intention at all to hurt you; they may actually believe they are respecting your privacy and sparing you pain. Those are GOOD things in their world and there is nothing wrong with that.

Can you think of it that way? You seem to crave their questions but please realize that they may be doing what they think is best for you and doing it out of love for you. Very, very often, we younger generations don't stop and think about why our older relatives do what they do; we expect them to be as willing to share and ask and relate and be open as our generation often tends to be. Then we think they don't care or are self-centered if they don't relate to us the way we want and expect them to. It may go against everything they were taught and they may sincerely feel they are being kind by not asking.

Can you see it that way, possibly? If you want to tell them things, don't drop little anecdotes in hopes of getting a comment in return. Tell them stories. Yes, basic questions can be seen as an invasion of your privacy by some people. So offer, if you want to relate these things. And be sure that you are asking THEM about their own parents, their pasts, their traditions, too.

The thing that came to my mind is the "love languages" thing. Have you ever read that book? It is primarily a relationship book and talks about how everyone has their primary love language: Acts of Service, Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts. Basically these are the ways that people show love for another. Here is a rundown on the 5 love languages:

"Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents, which becomes our native tongue. Later we may learn additional languages, but usually with much more effort. In the area of love, it’s similar. Your emotional love language and that of your spouse may be as different as Mandarin from English – no matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse only understands Mandarin, you’ll never understand how to love each other.
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary love language. We tend to speak our primary love language and become confused when our spouse doesn’t understand what we’re communicating. Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, you’ll have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage."

Anyway, I am thinking that perhaps your love language is Words of Affirmation. You want your in-laws to talk to you, to ask questions, and that is what you equate with them caring for you.Now, possibly they are really socially inept, or maybe they are total jerks. I don't know them. But is it possible that talking, asking questions, reminiscing, are not that valuable to them emotionally, but they value and do other things that show you that they care? Maybe they babysit for you or have you guys over to dinner often. Or they buy gifts for your child or help you out financially here and there. I would try, for the sake of the peace of your family and your own happiness, to see if there truly is offense to be bothered about.

I'm not sure *what* she should or could have said to that, though. Your earlier post, yeah, they could ask about them and seems like you gave them the perfect opportunity. And yes, I think it's weird. But I'm not sure what *I* (an over-talker) would have said to a comment about dirty shoes--I can't imagine a natural segue there to talking about your mom.

BUT I do agree that it's sad that your in-laws don't ask about your family. My father-in-law is the same way (and has never even really mentioned the couple people from my family he has met--sister's family). He ADORES my daughter and me, but just doesn't care so much about people he has never met or isn't *directly* connected to, I guess.

This is about as opposite from every.single.member. of my family, who wants and needs to know every little detail of anyone who is ever mentioned in any story (seriously... it's ridiculous). So, throughout life, *I* have learned to make connections and be interested in people's stories... but a lot of people just haven't learned to care. My husband is also like that--if he doesn't have a face to go with a name, what does it matter to him (the one exception being my deceased mom).

Anyway, I hear ya. And I think it's odd. And I get sad/disappointed that people who are important to me don't want to know details about other people who are important to me.

Your in-laws ARE interested in YOU and are interested in your daughter... just not people they'll never know. I'm sorry. It sucks. But it doesn't mean they love you any less, just that their social skills are lacking on that front (sorry, but it's true) and that they don't think to go farther with it. They may not know *what* to say or they just may be oblivious that normal social etiquette would be to, um, care.

Well, I hope you're able to live with it and accept it as *their* quirk and not as disinterest in YOU, and I hope it doesn't ever come between y'all.

Sorry I didn't read your other post about this.
Anyway, I have In-Laws that don't ask anything, about my family or about my late Dad.
They don't live here and live in another country.
Whatever.
I don't really care if they do or don't.
They are just that way.

No, I don't think *cricket cricket* is a "normal" response to your statement about what your mother used to do. But, like I said yesterday, your MIL is either uncomfortable and does not know how to respond, fearing that the subject is too sensitive, or she lacks basic communication skills.

Should people ask questions and show interest in other people? Absolutely! But many do not. Studies show that most people like it when others ask personal questions, and studies also show that most people like to talk about themselves. So most people who believe that asking questions is "intrusive" are usually wrong.

But it is what it is.

I'm not real sure why Bug's comments hurt you. I thought they were spot on, and not mean in the least. As I mentioned with your last post, I don't think my in laws ever asked about my upbringing. Could be their generation, but to me most conversations I have with just about anyone deal with the here and now (in this situation being the grand kid). I really don't see the problem here, unless you've seen them ask OTHER people about their past and they are actively avoiding yours (which could also be from wanting to spare you bad memories of losing your parents). To me it would be very hard to have a conversation about someone I had never met.

Unfortunately, I think it's just them. My in-laws don't take much of an interest in me or my past/family either. In your case, there could be a bit of that, and possibly a bit of discomfort or respectful distance. I would think it's more discomfort. You have opened the door with comments about your parents, so this should show them that you are okay talking about them. I think they just may be uncomfortable asking. I know that I have a few friends who have lost their parents, and I am so unsure of what to say or ask. I want them to know that I care and am interested, but I'm afraid of upsetting them. Your post tells me that I need to be more interested, or at least ask them what they would like me to do.

I would definitely adjust your expectations and realize that they may just be this way. But it would be totally okay to mention, or have your husband mention, that you are fine talking about your parents, and even enjoy sharing your memories of them sometimes. They will either go with this or not, but then you can see if it's just them or if they will ask a bit more.

I always make it a point to ask my DIL about her parents. They passed away when she was 11 (her Dad) and 12 ( her Mom). She loved her parents and still misses them. She loves when I ask to see pictures of her and her Mom and Dad. They are an important part of her life still, even though not here.so e people just don't get it. They are afraid to talk of,those that have passed on. They do not realize that it hurts when they do that. Maybe one day, atan appropriate time, you could say, I would love to tell you about my family. You may open the door for them.

Sounds like that's just how they are. I know my parents at first asked my husband some about his dad but not a lot. I know if he says something about his dad around my family they would have a conversation and not ignor it. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

It's their personality...

I thought that actually was a nice thing to say to you about the shoes! It's like a complete pass for the ratty shoes. I would have SO much rather heard that from my MIL rather than "Why don't you go to Walmart and get her some decent shoes?" Yep. Your MIL's answer was so nice!! LOL!

Nearly every single person I know is like your mother-in-law. I really do hope that you adjust your expectations, because it's very likely that your MIL doesn't even realize that she's "supposed" to be visibly and audibly showing interest in things like this. It sounds as if you volunteer a lot of information anyway, so she probably doesn't have much need to ask you leading questions. If you ask her a lot of questions about her life from the past, consider how she might view that. What seems to you like "basic questions" could come across as "too much information" or "why the heck do they want to know that" to others.

Sounds like it's just them. I read your earlier post and thought that was weird. But if they are "pretty much like this all the time," it really is just them.

If this is something you would really like to be able talk to them about and you're just not sure how, I think it's time to ask your husband. That would not in any way be saying something negative about them. Just let him know that you would really like to be able to share this with them and you're not sure how.