Feel like a Failure Disciplining 21 Mo Old

When she acts like that try telling her that you want her to stop now. Tell her you understand that she is frustrated because (say why) and if she doesn't stop, pick up the baby and leave the room. Keep ignoring her until she stops. The try talking to her. Children get frustrated when they feel like you don't get it and the tantrum is both an expression and a way to get what they want or get to you. With my older daughter (10) I still send her to her room, telling her that I will talk to her when she can be nice. The younger one would throw fits too and I did just what I said above. It took time and patience, but it the long run it will help you all. Remember, she is also teaching the baby how to act.
You are a good mom, otherwise you would not recognize that you need to do something different and you would not ask for help. I have also found that if you do something fun, like sing/dance with the other child, the tantrum stops pretty quickly. After all, who wants to be left out.

If she is unable to communicate well by talking, they have found that teaching sign language to children helps to relieve the frustration. Even if you can come up with some simple signs that help her let you know what she wants or needs, it is possible that this will make a big difference.

You mentioned you have a newborn baby. Do you think your daughter is acting out in response to the new baby? Newborns need a lot of attention and your daughter is used to having her mommy and daddy all to herself. When my second child was born I tried to include my oldest as much as possible. Even if it was just handing me a diaper he felt included and felt like he was helping. Granted my kids are 5 years apart but he still went through and adjustment period. Your daughter is younger and may not understand what she is feeling. You could try to get new baby and big sister books that could help her understand. Good luck and remember you're not alone, we've all gone through this. ;-) Keep your chin up. This to shall pass.

First of all, we all go through stuff like this, so don't feel like a failure. Try not to blame yourself, and I love that you want to do what you can to help modify her behavior.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area (I just called and a real person answered right away and was very helpful). Or if you're in Arizona, go to www.keriparentcoach.com for our local facilitator. I loved taking Keri's classes.

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world. And make sure you choose your battles carefully and avoid being too controlling. This is a struggle for me, but I realize these toddler years are a dress rehearsal for teenagedom and this is a great time for me to practice letting go of the small things.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

Don't feel like a failure. I am sure 99% of us other moms have gone through this with our little ones. I would say, pick one discipline and stick with it and be consistent. Remember, we as moms can not control all of our children's behaviors. As far as biting, my daughter went through this pretty severely. It got to the point that I was afraid to take her anywhere because the second she got frusturated with another kid, she would bite them hard. Drastic times, call for drastic measures. So, I carried around a bottle of tabasco sauce with me for a week and anytime she bit or attempted to bite, I would put some on my finger and stick it on her mouth. Less than a week and she was no longer biting. I am not that harsh in all discipline, but biting was a pretty serious offense. Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself or her. It's a phase and there will be many more!

Oh E.,

I have so much compassion for this! We went through this too.

Communication (both ways) is difficult at this age. She will soon be able to talk back (blessings and more challenges). One thing to remember is that she is experiencing a natural developmental stage of having her own agenda. Usually, it won't match yours. :) OF COURSE! You want her to grow in this way but you also need to help her focus her energy.

1. Remember to always communicate to her on her level, in her space and not across the room. Make it fun and keep it brief.

2. Give her choices that lead her inevitably to your own agenda. :)
My husband and I made it a point to warn our little one in advance of the next move we were making, i.e. leaving grandma's, the park, putting away toys, going to bed etc., usually 10 minutes in advance. Every few minutes, we'd give a reminder and then we'd start to let her know what the next plan was in a way that made it sound fun. It helped her transition a little easier - though there were times we had to just pick her up and go anyway. If this happened, we tried to stay calm and loving (hard when it happens in public!).

For example, "let's get our toys put away so we can take a bubble bath (her fave) or read some books, etc. Do you want to take a bubble bath first or read?" "Do you want a snack now or after we put our pajamas on?"

This gave her the impression we were moving on to more of her favorite activities while accomplishing what we needed to get done.

The key - communicate to her in a way that allows her to feel she has choices while still accomplishing your goals.

My best advice is PATIENCE - this too shall pass! Do your best to keep her safe. Hold her if you have to but if that makes it worse, allow her to be in a safe space while she takes out her frustrations.

M.

I had a lot of these same frustrations with my oldest three children. They had difficulty talking and communicating which resulted in a lot of biting, and general frustration on both sides of the aisle.
One thing that you need to remember is that for some kids (with developmental disabilities, especially autism spanking, tabasco, etc do not work because they do not get the cause and effect of it all and some children like the sensation of what we think would be undesirable so it actually reinforces the hurting instead of canceling it). This is what happened with my children.
If you daughter is not putting two words together by two years old, then definitely have her evaluated. If this is concerning enough to talk with your pediatrician you may want to make a special appointment to discuss this with him/her.

Things to think about (just off the top of my head):
Can she point with her index finger?
Does she come to you for help vs do it herself? (if she is hungry does get her own food or ask you?
Has she regressed in her development?
Since you mentioned headbutting, does she head butt other things (wall, floor, etc)?
Does she try to help in getting dressed? Arms in shirt, pushing legs into pants, etc.

The way I had success with my kids when they were in a similar situation was by helping them with learning other ways to communicate (I happen to be fluent in sign language) and I started using the "Extinguish method" (which you probably have seen on those Nanny 911 shows - I can't remember exactly what they are called). But it involves very calmly not reacting to behavior, consistently doing the same consequences, and giving no emotional or verbal response. This is a very simple explanation, it is a bit more involved than this.

I remember that I felt like a failure as a mom for more than 3 years because I did not understand what my kids were struggling with. I am not saying that your child is developmentally delayed, I suggest it as a possibility because no one ever said anything to me (which after my kids were dx everyone said they were not surprised - well I was!)
If you have anything other questions, just email me.
K.

Isn't it great to hear that you are not the only one who experiences the frustration of raising kids? Imagine your husband coming home one day and telling you that he has another wife and oh, isn't she the cutest and don't you just love her? Then people would come to your house and give the new wife presents and say how adorable she is? And you would sit and watch everyone just adore the new woman and even ask you if you just love her and what is the new wife's name, etc. ... Your 20 month old is upset and confused and doesn't know how to express herself.

Does she have the same sitter as the baby? She probably experiences the same things there too. Maybe you can sit down with your sitter and come up with a plan where the two of you can help her express herself. You can make sure that your sitter is giving your daughter extra attention as well. You can share with each other ideas that you have for times when you can reward her for good behavior. Reward the good behavior as much as possible, instead of punishing the bad. At this point she is craving attention and she'll take the negative attention. The rewards should be spending time with you (as much as possible).

When she head butts, walk away and say, "I will be in here when you are done. I have some ______ and we can play together." Or if you are taking care of the baby, let her help. Ask her if she thinks the baby needs to eat now or have her diaper changed. My daughter was 22 mos. old when my son was born and she wanted to be involved with every aspect of the baby. I started telling people that they had to have her permission to hold my son. She loved it. When you have to take care of the baby, be sure to say, "When I am done changing his diaper, I can help you with ____."

In addition to teaching her simple sign language, you can make a book of pictures of her doing things that she can point to (drinking a cup of milk, playing with her doll, drawing, etc.).

You are a great mom since you want to get better and are seeking advice! Enjoy!