Faking Being Happy/ok for the Sake of Your Kids

My son can see right through me when I try to do that.
What I do do in this type of circumstance is enlist the help of others in taking care of him. This is because he picks up on my stress and behaves his worst when I'm least able to handle it.

Sometimes it is better to admit when you are down. Kids can understand that. What they also understand is mom is going through stuff and she still picks herself up and is there for us every day.

I don't think putting on a happy face teaches them anything but to hide your feelings. It just ends up distorting everything.

If they understand hey, I got bad news, now lets go and have some fun it shows them that bad news doesn't defeat you. It gives them the life skills that when they hit a set back they don't hide it they drive through it. Does that make sense?

I don't know, maybe I am off on all this. It is just everything I do as it relates to my kids I look at what am I teaching them because everything we do within eye and earshot of our kids teaches them something about life. :)

there's no easy answer to this, unfortunately.
kids are very, very adaptable. if mom is putting on a fake smile, they'll usually go along with it. and if you were to ask them 'is mommy happy?' they'd probably say 'yes.'
but kids know when things are off, and it bugs them. they really do. they're not always conscious of it, and they usually can't articulate it, but the cognitive dissonance throws them off balance.
i think honesty is pretty much always the best policy. kids need to learn how to deal with hard news and disappointment, and they do that by watching you. so simply age-appropriate discussion might be in order.
'i'm feeling a bit down and disappointed today because i have to take more medicine and won't be feeling very well for a while yet. so bear with me, sweetheart. but hey! we're still going out today to have a fun time together as a family, and i sure am happy about that.'
then, because you don't want to present either a face of constant gloom or a fake smile to your kids, it will force you to find genuine joy in the little things.
it's the weird back-handed silver lining.
so sorry your news wasn't better, hon. praying for good health for you.
khairete
S.

Jenny C said what I was going to say. Seek a therapist. I went through a terrible loss of my healthy body. I was so frustrated, emberassed and mad.. These were my feelings.

I hated not being who I had been before, now I was dealing with this weakness. The therapist really helped me get through this.

When I am super upset, I just watch our daughter.. At any age, I can just be amazed at what an amazing person she is. The combination of me and my husband.. The best parts.and then her individual unique person. I get excited thinking about her future.. It lifts me up.

Also in our family, we say how we feel. I feel a little sad today, I need hugs.
I am not happy today, what can we do fun, to help me feel better?

Your children will respond and share their love of you.. Your husband also deserves to know how to speak like this. Many men do not share out loud what they are feeling, but the more you and your children share, the more likely he I'll also begin to share.

Hang in there. You deserve to be disappointed. But aren't you lucky to know and have a way to treat this illness? Imagine those people before you that had nothing to help them get through this.

I m sending you healing thoughts.

Why hide how you feel? Your family should be there to comfort you when you're afraid or upset...and how can children learn to overcome adversity or upset if they never see us do it?

You're teaching them...even when life is hard.

I know parents who won't let their kids see ANY upset. No crying in front of them. That's DUMB, IMHO. How do we teach them empathy if they never get to experience pain with us?

Lean into your family for support...not away. Ask your kids for their love and hugs. Tell them you are scared and hurting, but you trust your doctors. Let them know that they can hug you and give you strength by saying "everything will be okay, Mommy." or asking how they can help you.

They love you. Let them be there and show it.

You have a real issue to deal with, and you are human. I think it's fine for your kids to see you be upset over this. You have a right to be.

Obviously you can't go around being unhappy all the time, but occasionally, if you get overwhelmed, and you break down for a few minutes, that's fine. Your kids might just have to learn to have a little sympathy for mom.

We've raised the present generation of kids to think that everything is about them. It's not. Sometimes, it can be about you.

I'm so sorry to hear your story, Sassy. (I have wondered before what the name meant.)

Is there a support group for sarcoidosis that you could join, even if it's only online? Maybe that would help you.

I do think it's okay to be honest about your feelings with your kids. But soldier on in your daily life with them.

Sending strength and hugs your way,
Dawn

I am no good at hiding bad news for the most part. When I found out I tested positive for ankolosing spodalitis and knew what that meants since my brother has it, I sat in the car and cried a little...cried on the way home, pulled myself together for J. a bit and then had my daughter be babysat.
I could have done the teaching lesson, but I don't think it would have served any purpose telling hr I had what crippled her uncle.
I let myself be sad a few days and told her I was sad because my back hurt and then let it go and have been focusing on how it's not the end of the world since
I probably didn't do it the best or most mature way, I really wasn't thinking....
I'd say either address it, or take some time to yourself...you can't fake happy right after you get the news

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I think people are right to tell your kids you're sad you have to keep taking a medicine you don't like but you still think you all are going to have a fun day. I bet they'll hug you and comfort you a bit and you actually will feel better. I've found if I let myself be sad in front of my kids, it passes quicker. And I think it's the best example - cry a bit, be sad and then pick yourself up and look at the positives. Not to diminish your situation at all... That's a very general statement. And since you know already what's goign to happen tomorrow, maybe you can be sad today and then regroup by tomorrow. Fortunately I don't have anything like you do but I know there have been times I was upset or something and my kids would make me a card and it really really did help.

Depends on the situations. Here's a few.

Part One... Acute
1) I don't. I say I'm really sad/disappointed/etc. right now
2) And then I tell him the same thing I tell him to do when he's sad/disappointed/angry/etc. (mine wouldn't apply here, what do YOU tell your kids when they're having a rough time?), except I say 'Mom needs to..."
= GREAT modeling, teaching/allowing for compassion/etc.

Part Two ... Fake it till I make it OR Silver linings

1) I find the happy. Right now (pending investigation that's FINALLY starting over 6mo after the fact) the courts have my son with his abusive dad 50% of the time. I HATE this. And I know that every time he goes to his dads the next time I see him may be in the morgue. So do I show ANY of that? Serves no purpose. So I find the happy. I HOPE he'll have a good week. And when he comes home excited that dad 'only' called me (mom) a C-word 3 times this week... I'm happy for him. (Should be blood boiling that it's happening at all... But HE's happy, because it's better, so I'm happy for him. Any straw or silver lining I can find I grasp at it.

PART 3 ... So bad it serves no purpose
1) Outright denial. I stick xyz in a box and stuff it so far down I cross the dateline.
2) Intentional avoidance. AKA A babysitter while I fall apart in private. Occasionally overnight. Complete meltdown over, I'm able to put my mom hat back on.

Part 4... Which way do you want to go? Up? Or Down? /AKA choosing perspective
1) Faith / Belief / Pick your word. My son amost died (hospital sick) a LOT last year. Did I ever tell him? Nope! BELIEVING you're going to recover / everything will work out is a nuke in your arsenal. So I believed it for him, so he'd believe it, too.
2) How can we make ?!?!?!?!? Okay..No heat this winter. Could have pitched a fit. Instead (after calling my attorney to let them know DH was screwing around getting our heat shut off)... We put on snow suits and baked cookies and had a superfund day. A weird, bizzare, unusual day.. But a good one. At Children's hospital last year, my son could walk (or do fun chair tricks... O2 too low, we had chair, oxygen tank, and IVs anytime we left the room. He wanted to play sooo badly. So I took my phone and took pictures all over the hospital & we did a scavenger hunt. Could have just sat in the room. Could have just gone in circles. Instead... Came up with a game he COULD do

_________

Most of these boil down to: Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

That's a great question . . . sometimes it's tough when you're on a med like prednisone which made me nuts.

I would say to just take it one day, one hour at a time. Otherwise the stress alone might make your condition worse. None of us know when our last day will be and our time with our children is limited and precious. Stay focused on that.

So sorry you got the bad news. :(

I try to be honest with my kids and not just "put on a happy face". I think they should know about real life and we have emotions and good days and bad days and set a good example of how to handle it.

Every night at dinner we go around the table and share out "rose and thorn", the good and bad. And my husband and I are honest about our days and the kids are too and we try to offer suggestions on how we could handle it better so they know if something happens to them.

As much as we would like to have our kids live in a perfect world, it isn't realistic. I'm sorry you are going thru this. I think you should just be honest with the kids without overwhelming them with a lot of details. They should know what's going on in the family. Good luck!

From the moment I found out I had Syringomyelia I have been honest with my kids on their individual levels. I found out in 2006 after a year of run around. Anyway my kids at that time were 10 and 5 and half. It was hard explaining since even now we have no idea where this will take me. Currently it is just a lot of pain ALL the time. When it all started I knew there was no way I could hide it or fake it at least not when random shots of pain would zip around me. So we decided talking to them was our best bet.
I haven't let it ruin things for them even on the days I can't ignore the pain.
Like one person pointed out if they know they might help make the day more fun. I know on my really bad days my boys actually don't argue, more helpful with chores, and more willing to agree on things together than my good days when they act like typical siblings.

Don't be all "woe is me", but don't be fake happy either.

Kids are very tuned in to the emotions of their parents. We're trying to sell our house, my husband is going back to school, and I'm trying to find a job, so life isn't flowers and sunshine right now - it's topsy/turvy.

My son picks up on my sad/rough days and he is only 5. If I try to tough it out it doesn't work because he reflects my mood. So I'm honest about how I'm feeling, at his level of words, and being honest actually makes it EASIER on both of us.

Maybe if you tell them you are little bummed, they will try extra hard to make your day fun.
If they know better they will do better, right?
OR, take a day off of stress since it's not going to change what your doc has to say anyway, and let it go--- your husband and kids will have a lot more fun if mom is enjoying herself. Make a good memory, not a crummy one Mom.

Oh my... I struggle so much with this too. I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve, so to speak, and I have a REALLY hard time hiding when I'm not OK. I often wonder how other mothers do it.

I'm usually just honest with my kids. "Mommy's not feeling very well today, kids, I'm so sorry I'm not more fun." They usually are so sweet about it and draw me pictures to make me feel happier. I feel selfish, but truth be told, they know that Momma is a human being too and sometimes doesn't feel like being much fun.

Maybe just getting into doing something fun with your kids WILL make you feel better, and you won't have to pretend. It usually does the trick for me. Their sweet smiles, hugs & giggles always put a smile on my face. :)

Point is, you're only human, you don't have to be strong all the time. I think our kids are better off knowing that than not.

Sorry you're going through a rough time.

For one day, you can pull a Scarlet O'Hara and think about your troubles tomorrow.

First, I am so sorry you heard such bad news about your illness. Looking forward to getting the 'all clear' from your doctor and being told the journey is not over yet must be a huge setback. Give yourself a little time alone this morning to grieve a little. Have your husband take the kids out for breakfast or something and take an hour or two to be in your own skin. Cry if you need to. A good cry can be very helpful. Although it doesn't feel like it at the time. As moms it feels as if we're wallowing and that crying is counterproductive. But taking time to feel the bad feelings can be restoritive. Allow yourself to go there.
And since your question is that you really want to force yourself to put on a brave face for the kids ..
When they get back, take a quiet moment to look into your children's eyes. Listen to them talk. Watch the light in their eyes. Let it restore you and fill you up. Laugh at their jokes. Let them be the ones to bring you back into happiness. And then go have a fun time as a family.
Good luck today. It's not easy, I know.
Wishing you good health in the future

You don't have to be happy all the time in front of the kids, so you let that pressure go, that's how! Your kids will understand that you are human, sad about something, but that it's okay and normal. You are functioning; you're not lying in bed all day neglecting them and yourself, you're not drinking excessively in front of them or doing drugs to dull the pain.. you are okay, you are just sad and struggling and who can blame you? I highly suggest you talk to a therapist about your struggles with this disease, and how it makes you feel/how it affects your life and relationships. You have EVERY right to be angry and upset by what you have to endure with this. Talking to someone will hopefully dull the pain a little by giving you an outlet, so when you do get with your family, you have gotten things off your chest a bit. A good therapist will not make you feel guilty for "complaining" and venting. You might even get some strategies for dealing with your emotions and handling yourself around your kids and family. I went through a major depression a year ago and I was constantly worried about the effect it had on my kids, and now that I'm not as deep into it, I can look at them and honestly say, they would not remember if I said, "Remember last summer when Mommy was sad?" They are fine. Please hang in there and be good to yourself, and I wish you the best!

First, good news on your update!

Second, I can't imagine a better time to be "down" than a day surrounded by family. Being a total wreck in front of little ones can be a stressful but there's no sense in "acting" like things are fine since A) you won't fool them and B) honesty in feelings is important behavior for kids to model.

Your kids should know you're having a rough time so they can treat mommy with extra love, support and sweetness.

You can also try to find the best in life instead of the worst by immersing yourself in the love of family. Enjoy your day!!l

There's a saying in AA, Fake it til you make it.... That said, I don't mean to diminish the fact that you have an illness. My uncle had an auto-immune disease and it did wreak havoc on his system. However, apart from the things he could NOT change, he was still optimistic. The mind does play an important role and if you allow it to take over (which most often we do) then depending upon things, I do believe our thoughts can make us sicker.

I don't know that you need to hide your feels perse in as much as maybe try, if you can, to focus on the positive.. try not to future trip as to what the results of your blood work might be. Stay in the present.. Example, you mention you have just lost a bit of weight, why not try and celebrate that.

Also, I personally wouldn't keep the illness as part of your screename.. Why? because that to me is over indentifying with the illness and making it "MY" illness as oppose to an illness. Again, it's not to diminish things, but in order to at least become more positive emotionally for your kids, it's important to try and have some objectivity when it comes to the disease... In other words, you may have the disease but are NOT the disease..

I would also ask, have you ever read any books by Caroline Myss? She has done a lot of work and research on illnesses (various kinds) and has some good insight into how one might better serve themselves more positively and healthily when it comes to having an illness.. Her books have been around for a long time, you can probably check out excerpts on the net.. They are worth a read..

I wish you many blessings and lots of healing...

Keep us updated as to your progress...