Seeking Advice on Helping Preschooler Deal with Death of Grandpa

My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so very sorry you have to go through this.

Your story is very similar to mine last August. My dad was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and then had 2 re-occurances over the last couple of years. They found it in the brain in June and in August realized it had spread further through the brain. My son was 5 at the time and I struggled like you on wether to tell him or not. I did take him to the hospital to visit my dad, even though dad was not responsive most of the time, he would wake up and smile at him and hold his hand and ask him questions. My son attends a daycare that is inside of a retirement facility so had been exposed to people in similar conditions, so it wasn't such a shock to him. I think he knew that things weren't right, but I never out and out told him.

We brought dad home the day before he died, and that night my son sat with dad's wife and just held his hand, he didn't say anything. When dad died the next day I talked with Alex and explained things to him. He understood that papa died, that we couldn't visit him anymore. I got a lot of advise from Harry Hynes Hospice care on helping children his age deal with the death of a loved one. Kid's at this age are matter-of-fact about death. For the first several months after dad died, my son would just suddenly tell someone, stranger, friend, family.....'our papa died'.....it was heartbreaking....but it was his way of dealing with it. When he talks to me about it, I ask only enough questions to make sure he understands that papa is gone and otherwise just let him talk about it, say whatever he wants. He has said things like "I sure hope papa doesn't come back, cause then he would be a scary zombie." Just expect the unexpected.....with kid's this young you just never know what they are going to say and people need to be very understanding of her age, she isn't going to know the appropriate way to express her grief, but she needs to express it in whatever way she can.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your family during this most difficult time. Here is the link to Harry Hynes Bereavement page.....they are incredible people and if you contact them, I'm sure they would send you info to help you with your daughters grief and how to deal with it.

http://www.hynesmemorial.org/bereavement/index.asp

You are absolutely doing the right thing to talk to her about it. You can't make it not hurt when he dies but you are doing her a favor by telling her what is happening and allowing her to express her feelings about it. It's ok for her to see her daddy upset too. My son's papa died when he was a toddler, and papa lived with us and shared a room with my son for a while. So we knew it would be difficult. We told him when papa went to the hospital that he was very sick. And we told him that papa might die soon. I think we over-prepared him because one day he blurted out that he gets it. He went into a rant telling us he knows papa is sick and is going to die. Toddlers have feelings like everyone else but they also seem to spring back really easily. A few years later when we had to deliver the news that our two beloved cats had to go away because my daughter developed severe allergies, the children cried and moaned openly and I just let them cry with me. After having their cry my son said, "can we get another pet?" So, children are remarkably resiliant probably more than we are as adults. Good luck. You are a good mom.

J. -

I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I just lost my father-in-law in late February, and my husband and girls had a tough time with it, too. He was 82, but that doesn't ease the pain of losing someone you really love.

I applaud you for being honest with your little girl. Having your daughter trust you at a scary time like this is very important. I've found that dealing with hard issues straight on has always worked better with my own girls.
We so often dismiss children as unable to understand complicated situations, when in fact, their innocence allows them to be capable of so much more than we can imagine.

Anger is one of the stages of dealing with death and dying - so rest assured, her anger is a normal part of the process.

I encourage you to reach out to hospice. They have programs that help not just the patient, but the entire family in dealing with end of life issues and ... it costs nothing. My husband found great strength in the resources our local Springfield hospice offered.

My best wishes to you and your family. We'll keep you in our prayers.

J.

I'm not sure of your faith but I have a 5 year old niece who went through the same kind of thing about a year ago. My sister explained that her great grandpa had gone to heaven and was very happy there because he wasn't sick anymore. You might want to be care saying he is waiting up there for us. My niece got worried that me or her Mommy or Daddy might leave. You want her to know he is somewhere wonderful. But reassure her that you will be with her for a long time. I hope this helps.

I feel for you..this isn't an easy situation. My oldest was about your daughter's age when my grandpa passed, and they were very close. Children, even at 4, are able to comprehend simple concepts of death and dying. I understand your husband..he wants to protect her like any dad. But, any expert will tell you that honesty works the best. We just went through the same thing with my grandmother, and my youngest are 3 and 5. I told my 3 year old that she was very sick, and now she is in heaven watching over us, and now she isn't sick anymore. Now, when she sees her picture, she will say "Chickadee is in heaven, she's an angel mommy." They went to the funeral, viewing included, and were able to say goodbye to someone that they loved dearly. It wasn't easy (probably harder on me!), but I think it helped them in the long run. By being able to see it, they were able to understand it better. You know your little one best, so just go with your instincts and just give her simple, honest answers that you think she can understand, and lots of hugs. It's hard for little ones to put words to their feelings (grown ups too!)..and it's hard to help them when we're greiving too. I wish you the best.

It's very important to realize that children don't understand death the way we do, so avoid using euphemisms like "Grandpa went to sleep and didn't wake up again" or "God decided it was his time" because this can scare children into thinking THEY may never wake up again, or God might take them. Also, children often have fears that their parents or others close to them will also die. Be honest with your daughter, but also explain things on her level. I highly recommend the book "What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?" by Trevor Romain. I was a school counselor before staying home and used this book often for my K-2 aged students (and even older students benefitted from it). It does give info about funerals and such, so be sure to preview it before sharing it. I'm sorry your family has to go through this, and will keep you in my prayers.

Anger is a natural progression of grief. There are five stages of grief and we do not always experience them in the same order. I would allow your daughter some time to be angry and practice active listening with her. When she comes to you and says "i'm mad at pappy for dying". you could say something like "i hear what you are a saying and I understand that you are upset. It's ok to be upset when someone we love is passing away, It's important that we also remember all the fun and good times that we had with pappy too. We also need to remember that pappy loves us and so on and so forth. Whatever else you need to know that you can't "fix" this hurt in your little girl. The best you can do is to be there for her as she experiences the cycle of grief for the first time. Just keep up that active listening and letting her know in your actions and words that you are there for her and she is safe and supported.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

We went through this last summer with my grandmother. She and my 3 year old were very close and we would spend time with her on the weekends.

A couple of days before she passed, she was very tired and sleeping a lot. My son asked why and we told him that "Grandma's body was very tired and she needed to rest so that she can have the energy to go to heaven." He seemed to understand that, but he has been told by others that when people go to heaven, those that were left behind can see them at night as they become stars.

To this day, if we are outside at night or he is having a bad day, he blows kisses to the stars and tells "Grandma" that he misses her and loves her.

I am not sure of your religious beliefs, but sometimes something simple works the best.

May God grant you and your family the peace that you all deserve. It sounds like life has given you all a upper cut, death is not an easy issue. At times adults don't deal with it well so to expect a child to grasp the concept is really asking a lot. I would suggest finding a grief counselor and scheduling some family time with them. If talking to a stranger makes you uncomfortable go to a book store and purchase a book or several on dealing with grief with children, adults, family, men, whatever point of interest you may have at this time. Remember you too are dealing with your own grief issues so take your time with this project. Last but not least pray and read your bible, GOD has a plan for you and your family, go to him and ask him what that plan is. Ask him for the happiness that you and your family need right now. Remember death is as natural as life.

J.,

We went through this last summer when my husband's grandpa died. For about the last 3-4 years they had been giving his heart only months to keep working and last July it finally gave out. We kept taking our daughters, then 4, 4, and 3 to see him as much as possible and explained to them that he was sick and would be going to heaven to be with Jesus. So when the day came, we told them, took them to the funeral so they could say there good bye and they handled it quite well. They had questions and we answered them.

The way that we chose to explain so that they understood was that Grandpa had lived a very long time and his heart was just very tired and needed to rest, so he was going to go to sleep one day adn go be with God. They took a day or to to think about that and had questions of course on, will their heart get tired? etc. and we explained it to them and then they were fine. They were sad, but handled it much better than I would have ever imagined.

Our Prayers will be with you and your family. ~J.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. A couple of things struck me while I read of your situation. You can praise her for her compassion - that even though she has anger, she is kind to her grandpa who hurts so badly. You can also thank her for telling you how she feels. Compassion for others and coming to you with her problems is a good thing to affirm in her for who she becomes as a person and forming a habit of coming to you with honest feelings. (It means you're safe and that matters much more as they get older.) One thing that might reframe her anger would be to talk a lot about the pain he is in. This could up her compassion and help her realize he's not leaving her on purpose. Also, having her draw pictures of things she has enjoyed doing with him could help her express her grief as well as magnify the memories of him that will hopefully outlast the pain you may fear she'll remember in his last days. One suggestion - you could help her pray for him (maybe you already do), but make sure you ask God to help him not hurt so much, rather than praying that God will help him get better (since you know how this is going to end at this point.) You wouldn't want to set her up to think that God took her grandpa from her. That might send her the wrong message about God's nature in the future. When the situation takes a final turn, a little crying in front of her and talking about your own sadness over your own father-in-law might be a helpful model for her. A word for you - there's a lot on you right now, between your husband's breaking heart and your daughter's tender feelings. Dying is awful and painful and you can't provide the one thing that would comfort them and that's bringing him back once he's gone. You can't make any mistakes about how you handle this so just rely on your deep and untapped strength that dwells in every woman and you'll all get through this sweetly together. Again, I'm so sorry.

Wow. My prayers are with you and your family, J..

Here's my opinion. I think you did right by telling her. This affects her, too and she has a right to know why things have changed. Our children learn very early on whether they can trust us to be honest with them. Being upfront with her about her grandpa's illness could not have been easy, especially since 4-year-olds don't have a real clear idea of the concept of death. But keep in mind that these are the sorts of life lessons that can determine whether our children will come to us in their times of need or not. Right now, she's only 4 but before you know it, she's going to be 14 and her relationship with you will live and die by whether she feels she can trust you with her problems. When I was a teenager, I was often angry at my mother but I knew she would give me straight answers. When I started getting pressure to do drugs/drink/have sex/what-have-you, I could count on her to be straight with me.

This doesn't mean that you have to treat her like a mini-adult. I think age-appropriate answers are often called for. But not telling her anything (or worse, telling her nothing is wrong and everything is fine, just fine) really does far more harm than good. I think you are right to deal with her anger honestly now, rather than her mistrust that you'll lie to her or keep important information from her later. If you're honest with her, she's far more likely to be honest with you as she grows into adulthood.

Again, just my opinion.

I think a sunday school teacher could explain this better than us. However after his death I suggest she gets to tie a note to the end of a balloon and release it to heaven for grandpa. But she needs to know the truth about death call your church and ask for them to assist in this delicate matter quickly before he dies so she can make peace with him or she may regret being angry...

J.,
Children are so complex. Sometimes when we think it's one issue, it ends up really being something else. Honestly, I think the best thing you could do is get her to talk to someone she trusts, who is less involved in the situation.
She is scared, and doesn't understand alot. Death, is a confusing thing for a young child. She could be thinking that if grandpa is dieing maybe mom and dad are to. Who knows what is going on in her mind. It is amazing to me when my kids tell me things they used to think when they were little. I have a 13, 11, and 7 year old.
Try finding a child pschologist(?), if you think she really needs it. Otherwise, their are some books out there written for kids about death. I have seen them mostly in the Christian Book Stores. Ask one of the sales persons to show you where they are.
Good Luck!
D.

this is odd because my child started asking about my parents (both dead, never met her) and also pets dying. so we have some books out of library right now that I recommend you check out.

The grandad tree Cooke, Trish.

My grandfather's house Coville, Bruce.

When a pet dies Rogers, Fred.

also , "Is this a phase? : child development and parent strategies from birth to 6 years " by Neville, Helen is the author, has a great section on words to use for folks who died

for ex. suggest do NOT say they are like sleeping as it can scare the heck out of children when they want to fall asleep, tell the truth and say the person stops breathing and is cold.

the words can be adjusted based on your faith and beliefs but in general are sound and based on the ages of children.

hope this helps

I hope things have gotten better with your daughter by now. As many have mentioned there are stages but I don't know if any have mentioned them all or the order....DABDA....Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression then finally Acceptance.

If he is still able to communicate, maybe she can talk with him. Grandparents are usually great with kids and death, too. They understand it and aren't afraid to talk about it.

My daughter lost a friend she only played with a couple times and she had lots of questions and went through the stages. It was difficult for me because the girl that died was only 2 1/2 and my daughter was 3 1/2 and my son was almost 2 at the time. She hadn't been sick, it was a freak accident involving the little girl's brother so it was very hard to deal with. The Mom was an old H.S. friend.

Kids are amazing and will surprise you with how well they can understand things if we just find the right way to explain them to them.

Good luck and best wishes,

rumbamel

Hello jenneifer,

I am a Music Therapist and have helped children through some difficult circumstances. My suggestion is to help her write a poem or create a song to tell her Grandpa how she feels. Be sure that she knows that this is not Grandpa's choice to leave her, help her to understand what it's like for him to be so sick so that she will be more able to understand that when he dies, the sickness and pain goes away.

Through the song, help her express her anger and let her know that it is OK to be angry. Help her list all the things that she loves about Grandpa and help her to keep those memories to help her, later on. Tom T. Hall wrote a song called "I love" and lists all the things he loves and then states that he "I love you more". This could be a good starting point for a song.

If you have a Music Therapist or a teacher that would help, let her create music that expresses her anger by playing drums or banging on a piano.

Help her paint him a picture of something that she loves doing with him or a card to say how much she loves him and will miss him.

Of course, all of these ideas can be used by parents to deal with thier own pain and anger.

I am very sorry for your pain. I have older parents and know that my grandson will have to deal with similar circumstances in the next 10 years. Let her express herself but encourage her to accept the situation and give him lots of loving.

Peace to you,
K. Huddleston

Hi J.,
I am very sorry for the situation you are going thru. I understand how hard and sad it is. My dad passed away 4 years ago, at that moment my older kid was 4 years old. My son and my dad had a very special connection, they loved so much each other. I knew that my dad was not going to live for a long time, he was sick. My little son started to ask questions about heaven, death things like that. I always answer to my kid with a short and very precise answer, no more no less, (just what is asked no more explanations, and later with the time and more questions I answer more))so I just told him that his grandpa was very sick and he was going to need rest, and that is. Months later my dad died and my kid was very sad and upset. I told Alexander that his grandpa was going to Heaven to rest because that was a very special place where he could rest, be with God and watch over us specially over him. It was very hard for me to talk with my kid about that, my dad was my best friend, a wonderful dad and a wonderful husband to my mom,but I think it was a good thing to talk to him and share my sadness, but at the same time I showed him happiness because my dad was going to be better in that special place named Heaven.
I do believe that is good to tell children about death and mention the word no like it is something banned or dark, just like a normal word so that way the children will not be scared or extremely curious about death. You just have to be patient with your husband and respect his feelings in the great way you are doing it. Just talk to your little girl and keep sharing and answering to all her questions in a very clear and short way. I think is good what you did in telling her what is about to happen; her anger will eventually go away. It is a process like yours, and your husband's. You have to go through this and things will be better later even though we think they will never be, but let your little daughter express herself, cry or be mad ; it is normal, is the way she is dealing with the situation. Things are happening, and as I said, your girl is trying to deal with it. It is her way, let her be, give her all your love, lots of hugs and tell her that if daddy sometimes is not there or listening or in a good mood, is because he is dealing with her same sadness or frustration, in words that you know she will understand. Pray with her.
Sorry I answered so long, but I hope this helps a little bit. You are not alone in this. Take care.
Alejandra

Wow, hard one. You mentioned prayers as being appreciated. Does this mean that you are Christians? Is your father -in- law? Death is a very hard concept for children of this age. Once she finds out that everyone dies, it may scare her. However, if you know that death is not the end, but the beginning of a "real" life, it makes it so much easier for all of us. God who loves us and made us to for Himself, provides a life here as practice for our eternal life with Him. If your daughter knows that her grandpa will be spending eternity with God and that it is only a temporary seperation, it should help. Maybe you need to talk more about what heaven is supposed to be like. If she knows that it is a place of peace, joy, no tears or pain, she would never want her grandpa to stay here in pain. Does she understand that this is not his choice to leave her? My daughter was the same age when her grandpa died very suddenly. They were great pals, but she knew she would see him again someday, and that was a great help. God Bless you and keep you in this trying time. I will pray for you.

Please understand that any advice you receive on this topic may not be the perfect answer for your daughter. Anger is just a response to an unwillingness to accept something. The energy that motivates anger is a desire to change what you do not feel should be accepted.

As soon as we heard my mother-in-law was not likely to live more than a couple of months, we talked it over and decided that Grandma was getting ready for a great journey and that it was our job to encourage her and help her all we could. We made the most of our time with her. We didn't talk much about her death. We were too busy recollecting her life, enjoying the stories we had probably heard a thousand times before, but this time with new ears. We were so busy making sure she had all the help she needed, we didn't have time to worry about the future. The needs of the hour always seemed to fill us and we immersed ourselves in the precious oportunity to serve this dear soul who had served us all for so long. Any way our son could help out, we let him. He was a few years older than your daughter and certainly more capable of real help than a 4 year old, but Grandma was so proud of every little thing he did to help his Grandma and that meant the world to him. We weren't really thinking about how precious the memory of those busy days would be to us after she was gone, but I now know that was the best therapy. I remember a very wise man once said to me, "Immerse all your sorrows in a sea of service." It works! Even for children!!!

It was after her death that our son became angry. He remained angry and refused to talk about his beloved grandmother for a year after her death. Then, one day, he caught himself enjoying a pleasant memory of her. As soon as he realized it, however, he brissled and went silent, as usual. I held him lovingly and said something like, "Is God in His heaven?" He said, "Yes." I said, "And everything is as it should be?" He agreed. I continued, "And Grandma is where she should be?" He shouted, "NO!"

Inside, my heart broke for him, but I stayed calm. Then I said, "Hmmmm... let's just think about all that for bit." It was as if he were meditating. Several minutes passed before I spoke again. "You must still feel very sad about Grandma passing away. When you remember that sad memory, it might seem like you don't want to think about her at all because it might hurt. I'll bet you wish you could change that. I'll bet you wish Grandma could come back." He agreed, but remained toughly silent. Then I said, "You know, I'll bet you have about a million happy memories of Grandma and it would feel really good to enjoy those memories and talk about them if they wouldn't remind you of the one memory that feels so sad." We sat quietly for a while, letting that idea sink in a bit. Then I said, "Seems like a shame to give up a million great memories because of one sad memory." We waited again. I could feel his heart opening to the tenderness and love that I felt for him. It felt healing. After some time, when I felt he was more peaceful, I asked him, "Do you think it might be okay to have some happy memories and some sad memories too?" He slowly agreed with a refreshing sigh. From that day forward he was able to process his grief and talk lovingly about his grandmother. He still misses her and dreams about her 11 years later. The virtues she taught us all by her life of loving service still guides and informs all who new her. It isn't easy to accept such a loss.

Looking back at how helpful that conversation was, I realize we could have had it much sooner, had I known. Anger wants to change something. Our anger could not change the thing it wanted to change the most. But, we found that we could change one thing. We could change how a sad memory blocked happy memories and how happy memories triggered a sad memory by learning that a sad memory could also trigger happy memories and we could let all those memories dwell together, allowing all the happy ones to drown-out the sad one. This was something we COULD change.

I don't know if this particular approach will help your daughter, but I feel that the story might encourage you to listen to her, accept her feelings and find a way to help her heal them rather than trying to 'fix' them or 'control' them. Processing such feelings is something the human heart was designed to do and we all need to learn how. This story might also encourage you and your husband to take whatever opportunities you have to build great memories. What you learn through this experience might create the story you will be telling someone else who needs a little encouragement in a decade or so.

I know what your going thru, except my kids and I was with my grandpa just about everyday. I do agree with you on tell your daughter. Maybe you could sit down with her and talk about her "anger" towards her grandpa, and explain to her, it is not his choice. That God wants him in heaven (my son says that grandpa went to heaven to take care of Gods cows and deer.) Let her know that he loves her very much and if he could stay he would but God needs him. Or something along those lines. Also, I told my kids and myself that he will always be with us in our hearts and memories. It is never easy losing a loved one, but I do know that what time we have left with them we have to make count.
E. H

I hear and feel your pain. My father died 5 years ago this past February from lung and brain cancer.He was sick for 5 years previous with lung illness. When it came time to bring my dad home on hospice,I also explained everything to my children as you did.Believe it or not children go through the same stages of acceptance and denial that we do.Hospice should have a couple of books with information on the stages of grieving and dieing.They are helpful and are not morbid. You can also see if the hospice nurse has any age appropriate information on how to help your daughter cope with the upcoming loss of her grandfather. Continue to let your daughter talk freely with you as you have.It is good that she is expressing her feelings.Let her see him and spend as much time with him as she wants,she will let you know what she can and cannot handle, even though she is so young.Let her go to the visitation and his funeral to give her closure.I didn't allow my children to attend my fathers funeral and my son had great difficulty dealing with the loss.I didn't give him a chance to say good-bye. Just keep trying to be strong for your family but remember to have someone you can confide in to.I pray for you and your family. I pray that your father-in-law has comfort and peace.God bless you all and good luck. I hoped some of this helped.If you have any other questions or just need someone to listen let me know.

Sincerely
P.

I was about thriteen when I lost my grandfather, we had been close even living many states apart. I remember that my mother told me that he was going in for routine heart surgery in a few days. I found out later that the surgery went like it was supposed to but the days after didn't go well. He didn't go home. I remember that somehow I just knew that he wasn't going home. When mom told me, I was upset and spent time crying with my silly pink elephant.(it was the last christmas present he gave me)
At some point before the surgery, my grandmother had made a scrapbook with pictures of grandpa. One for me and one for my brother. It had pictures of him doing all the things he loved. In the garden, at church (he was a minister), spending time with his family. I used to/still look at it and know that there were many happy memories.
When mom told us that we were not going to go to the funeral, it made me angry. I wanted to go. What I got was to stay home from school that day. We spent most of that day talking about grandpa and remembering all the good times we had. We spent time looking at the scrapbooks. It wasn't what I wanted but what I got so I dealt with it. (easier to do when you are 13 than 4)
I guess, after this story, my suggestions are: have your daughter help you make a scrapbook with pictures of 'pappy'. Let her put in whatever pictures or drawings that she wants. This might even help your husband. If he doesn't want to help, at least let him look at it along the way. Maybe, if your father-in-law is up to it, have him record some of your daughters favorite books into a tape recorder. Or just talk into a tape recorder. That way she can listen to 'pappy' whenever she wants to. (My grandpa liked to read and tell stories, he did this and I will still listen to them sometimes. I am 32) Last but not least, make sure that when the time comes, she goes to the funeral with you. It will be hard, but it will also allow some closure. It will help her see that he has lots of people that love him, and that he no longer in pain. It will also help her see that he is prepared for his journey to a place that he can watch over his entire family, especially her.
You will be in my thoughts. Please don't be afraid to reach out for more help. Your father-in-laws hospice nurse would be a great place to start. You can also check with the American Cancer Society as I know that they have programs and counselers that can help people of all ages deal with the eventual loss/loss of a loved one.
I hope all the advice you have recieved helps, but remember that you also have to grieve. If you don't it will make your efforts to support that much harder on yourself.

I found a great deal of help in books for my children when my Father was dying of Cancer. I went on line to Amazon.com and also to my local Bible Book store looking for children's books dealing with death and dying. There is even more available today than when we went through this.
It helps but does not eliminate their sorrow when the death does occur.
I found talking/reading about it with my kids helpful, the older ones who were about 4 and 7 to expect Grandpa's death.

I am an RN who has worked in oncology and critical care and thus have taken care of many dying patients. First with both your husband and daughter encourage them to tell their feelings and let them know it's OK and normal to be mad, sad and many other things and sometimes more than one at a time. You have to accept them where they are before you can move them forward. Once they've vented then the best thing is a lot of communication about what's going on-with the 4 year old don't answer more than she asks and remember she can't reason abstractly what death is. She may also fear that she will die if she gets "sick" like Grandpa so you must make sure she knows this is a different kind of sick when you don't get better. God bless and good luck! Beth Cita

J., my heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation just last year. My mother died after dealing with illness for over two years. My daughter and I traveled 5 hours away once a month to visit for long weekends for two years. So, between the ages of 2-4, she saw her grandmother's health decline. She saw her grandmother lying in the hospital, sitting in a wheelchair, and struggling in her home with her declining health. I am so grateful to have been able to visit my mother so often in her final years. Not only was I able to see her, but she was able to see her only grandchild. When my daughter asked questions about grandma walking with a walker or sitting in a wheelchair or whatever, I would give an honest answer... grandma's legs are not working well, etc. She accepted my answers and asked more, and I would give her honest answers in a way she could understand. And when I got the call that my mother had passed away, my daughter was the only one there, and saw me cry. She asked why I was crying, and I said "because grandma died, and I miss her very much." Her preschool taught her that when she misses someone, she can draw a picture of them, and this would help ease the painful feelings. So, she drew a picture of my mother for me. I have it and will keep it forever. My advice is to be honest with your daughter. They know something is up anyway, they see it in you and your husband, be truthful in a way she can understand... you don't have to tell her everything, but you must tell her something to help her understand the situation and her thoughts and feelings. Let her have her feelings. The anger is about not being able to do anything to change the situation, and missing her grandpa. So, find ways to help her express and honor her feelings... drawing a picture of grandpa, talking about the fun stuff they did together, looking through some pictures of her and grandpa. And, find some age-appropriate books about death and dying. My daughter's preschool had several books that I could read to my daughter about death. I can't remember any of the titles, but your preschool director should be able to recommend something. Finally, the death of a loved one is hard. Know that grieving takes time. Be gentle with yourself, your husband and your daughter. Take care.

I have not dealt with this personally, but I took a class in college about death and dying. They say you're supposed to answer any questions your children may have, and answer them honestly and in a way they'll understand. They DO go through the same stages of dealing with a death as adults do. The instructor of my class showed us a book designed especially for kids coping with death. I can't remember the name of it, but it had something to do with a leaf (I think his name was "Freddy") and his life and death. I thought it was a great book. Anyway, you should be able to find some books to help you figure out what to do and to help your daughter cope.
I will be praying for you and your family.

I would try to explain to her that her Grandpa didn't choose this illness and that sometimes there just isn't anything we can do to make it better. If she doesn't want to listen to you, because kids don't always listen to mom and dad as they would someone else, I would have someone from your church or even a counselor speak with her. Anger is just a stage of grief and she is probably upset because she feels like he is choosing to leave her behind. There is a book that I have read with my kids that I think is wonderful. It is called, "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson. It has beautiful illustrations.

J. have you tried telling your daughter that you are angry not at grandpa but at the cancer. Maybe refocusing her anger will help. My father passed away 4 1/2 years ago due to cancer and my husband had a very hard time with his feelings. As women we can cry and talk to our friends but men seem to feel they have to be strong. Just let him know that you are having a hard time with this and be there for him when he needs you (and he will). My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

J.:

I know of a grief counselor in Richmond Heights who comes highly recommended. She provides counseling for the family members (and friends) of the one who is terminally ill both for the time preceding death as well as in the bereavement stage of the grief process. Her name is Maria Carella and she is located at 7750 Clayton Road, St. Louis, Mo. 63117 - tel. ###-###-####. I would strongly recommend contacting her about your family situation. Good luck and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

K. S.

We went through this when my father-in-law died. My kids were 7 and 4 and I was expecting our 3rd. We didn't really talk about him dying so much. He lived with it for 10 years and we really didn't know how long he would be here. He outlived any expectations the doctors had for him so we were blessed to have those years. The kids knew he had cancer and was very sick sometimes when we visited and we lived 4 hours from him and tried to visit as much as possible.
He died on Christmas Eve a month before our baby was born. I had a harder time with it than anyone else. I think it must have been the baby hormones but I cried for days.
The kids did fine. They went to the funeral and had tears in their eyes and knew they wouldn't be able to play or see Poppy again until they get to heaven but they did very well. I do believe that kids need to go to funerals and have closure as much as adults do. My kids have been to several funerals. They may not totally understand it when they are little but it is part of life and they dealt with it just fine and we still take them to the grave yard when we visit.
We just let our kids know that family is important and we need to spend as much time with them as we can and make good memories because we may not always have them.

My prayers are with you and your family...

I read other advise that you were sent and it is all good!
I also encourage your family to talk with Hospice as they also have counseling programs for the family. I did this with my mother. I formed a very special bond with the nurse from Hospice. I was able to understand more about the process of dieing and was so thankful she was a christian woman.

My advise is that if you are a christian, then you know pappy is in gods hands.

For your daughter letting her talk to pappy about it will help her through this if he is willing. Reassurance from him that he is going to heaven but will always live within her heart and be her guardian angel and of course explaining the best you can is my advise.

My mother passed away on Easter in 2001. Although it has been 7 years ago I remember that day clearly. Even before that day once my mother went into a comma, I felt the presence of angels all around her and peace that was in her room was overwhelming with love. God was there and his angels and they will be there for pappy, he will always be with your family, in your hearts, but knowing he is with god in heaven and not suffering, free of pain and so very happy is comforting.

Wow, this email really hits home for me. Just last week, I lost my uncle to cancer after a 12 year battle. His grandchildren are 6 and 10 and too are struggling with the loss of their grandpa. I went through this a few years back with my grandparents and my boys were really young. Talk alot about Heaven, and who is going to be there waiting for him. Those that have passed before him that are also missing him. I do believe there are some books out there that really good at explaining things on a child's level. I am just so sorry for your loss. Be honest with her, and let her know that he will not be suffering anymore because there is no sickness...no pain, no heartache in Heaven. Just make sure you talk openly. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Karry

She's still kind of young to understand a whole lot, I'd just tell her that he's been very sick and soon he's going home to be with God and he won't be sick anymore but that he'll always be with her in her heart.

When my dad passed away, my son was 6. He took it alot better than we thought. We knew for months that dad was dying, so we prepared him for that. He had told him that if one day he came home from school and his uncle was here that meant that Grandpa was really bad, as it turned out, his dad was home when my dad passed and he called his brother and his brother came over and took him to see his other grandma and the first thing my son said was my grandpa is in heaven now to his grandma. When he was 7, my mom passed away unexpected and we just told him that God wanted Grandma to be an angel, and he was fine with that. He told my neighboor that his grandma went to heaven to be with his grandpa and they are playing cards (something my parents loved doing). My son has told me before, Mom, when you missed Grndma and Grandpa all you have to remember is they are still in your heart and think about them. Kids can handle this alot better than we give them credit for.

Last October I lost my mother-in-law and my mother within a 2 week period. Needless to say, it was an incredibly difficult time. But I know the only thing that sustained me was God and knowing that he would not give me more than I could bear. I have 5 children and my youngest is 4. Their responses were all different based on their personalities, maturity level, relationship to their grandmas, etc. So, I think the best thing you can do is to allow and accept all feelings and emotions. Death is a natural part of life and something we all must experience and eventually go through. Your daughter will process it as she is able and you can assist in that process by always being willing to talk with her about it. Another thought that struck me in reading your request is that your little girl's grandpa will soon be with her brother and sister in heaven. I too lost a baby, but it helped me a great deal knowing that my mom was going to be with my baby. That thought may also help you and your daughter. You said you have an only child, but really you are a mom of three and that is such a blessing. I do hope you find comfort in this as I in no way want to offend you. I just know how difficult this part of life is and wanted to share with you what has gotten me through and hopefully encourage you.
As for your husband, just be there for him. I know at 40 years old, with both my parents gone, I now feel like an orphan. And many times there are just no words to say - so, just hold him and let me know you love him and will always be there for him.

Take care and you and your family will be in my prayers.
M.
www.heavenborn.com

Hi J.,
First off I want to say how sorry I am to hear about your father. My thoughts and prays are with you and your family. I was very close to my grandma and when she was diagnosed with lung cancer she only lived about 6 months. She died 2 months after my 16th birthday, it was the hardest thing that I have ever been through, even to this day it hurts like it was yesterday. It even hurts more cause she is not here to see my 16 month old daughter, that looks just like her. So much so that when she was born the first thing everyone said was "wow she looks just like grandma". I have been told that I need to see a counsler or theropist cause I don't know how to deal with lose, so I guess the advise I'm giving you is to take your daughter to see someone that can help her understand and to give her advise as to what she or you can do to get through it. It mihgt even be good for the whole family includng her dad. It's been 11 years since she died, and for me I miss her more everyday. I hope your family the best and hope this helped a little.
J. (mother of a beautiful 16 month old daughter)

I just lost my dad one month ago. He had an accident that caused major head and brain trauma. We were very honest with my daughters 7 1/2 and 4 1/2. Actually my husband was very honest, I probably would have sugar-coated everything, but he told them that grandpa was in an accident and was probably not going to make it. We had to make the decision to remove him from the life support and he died two days after the accident. My girls took the news of grandpa's death very well, much better than I had expected. I know this is a different situation, but I feel that being honest is best. I also feel that my daughters picked up on my emotions and reacted to them. Maybe your daughter is reacting to the stress. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. It is not an easy situation either way. (sudden or anticipated). My girls find peace knowing that grandpa is in heaven with his father, who also died in a car accident. I hope this can help in some way.

First I want to send my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. I think you need to sit down with her and ask her why she is mad at her granpa and then you need to explain to her that even though her grandpa did not want to get sick and leave her so soon, God needs him to help in heaven. tell her that it is a very important job and not all people are chosen. If she asks why him, tell her because he is such a special person he was chosen. Tell her that being mad at granpa will make him sad while he is preparing for his journey and she should want him to be happy before he leaves so he will remember how happy she made him before he goes. I hope this helps a little, I have a little guy that will be five tomorrow and this is what I would tell him. Good luck!Let me know if this helps.