Etiquette Question

I would do whatever you want to regardless of what they do. My husband and I come from two different types of families. His family sends gifts my family makes phone calls. Anyhow after a few years his family has got on board with mine and we all just make a happy birthday call. I am not saying that is right or wrong. I do send presents for the little ones though. But they also reciprocate when it is my daughters birthday. I think I would send them gifts even if they didn't send something for mine. I just like spoiling kids.

I would not feel obligated to send a present. Especially if you don't give presents to the siblings.

As someone else suggested, concentrate on the religious holidays...and even then it does not have to be big. Perhaps, send a card on their birthdays.

I don't think it is ever wrong to do the right thing even when everyone else in the family is not doing the right thing. My suggestion is to buy an inexpensive gift or a card every year for your nephew on his birthday. Have your husband sign the card from his godfather so that the other children in the family understand why you have singled him out to give gifts to every year. My husband's godparents gave him a gift or a card every year on his birthday. He has a special place in his heart for them.

L.,
I am by no means an expert here, but I would put myself in the child's place. I would not worry about what other people thought or said. Remember "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." And in the end it is not what we give in life, but the love we receive back. This child will remember you and your husband for the rest of his life. And they in the end is all we need.
God bless you and hope this helps.
E.

I think if the gifts and cards are not sent from the heart, expecting nothing in return, then you should not send anything. When we do things from our hearts with joy it will come back, maybe not from the persons that you reached out to, but it will come back.

I have wondered about this myself. We are god parents to one of my brother-in-laws 5 children. We wanted to akknowledge his day without having the others feel we were playing favorites so we send a card each year but nothing else. My 3 children all have different god parents one set is wonderful and remembers every birthday, Christmas, special occasion with a gift. While the child that gets the gifts thinks it is wonderful it leads to hurt feelings towards the other god parents from the other 2 girls when they receive nothing. For this reason I chose to send cards only because there doesn't tend to be much jealousy over those. :)

All I am hearing in this email and I- I - I -I. The true spirit of giving is not whether you get a thank you note or whether you get something in return. The true spirit is feeling good about brightening someone's day. If you have it in your heart to send your husband's godson a gift send it. Does your husband feel you should send one? Maybe you should ask him. Maybe you are a little jealous you were not picked as a godparent. You did mention you were not picked. I hope I have given you another way to look at this situation.

Hi L.,

Being a Godparent is a special priviledge/gift that his sister/brother has instilled upon him. His nephew didn't have a choice in this and it shouldn't matter what everyone else does for b-days, holidays or everyday. Your husband needs to follow his heart here.

I feel it's important to establish a bond with his God nephew and be involved in his life. It's up to your husband to define for himself what he feels his responsibilities as a God parent are. What does being a God parents mean to him exactly? I am a God Mother for my cousin who is 22 now. I became her God Mother at 16 but made it a point to be involved in her life always. We have an incredibly strong bond because of the choices I've made.

I agree you should have received a thank you card for the gifts you sent...I expect my children to write thank you cards for anything they receive from family and friends so it's disheartening when others aren't teaching their children the same. I'm sorry your gift wasn't recognized especially after it was hand made. Please don't let the fact that others aren't acknowledging your gifts take that away from you. I'm guessing you gift give because it makes you feel good knowing you've shared your gift with others. Regardless of if I get a thank you or not, I still feel good inside about knowing that I've made someone feel a little more special. I hope you can too.

I agree that cards are a great way to let someone know you're thinking of them and you don't have to spend a lot of money to do so. You can send a card for less that $1 and that includes postage. The Dollar Tree sells cards 2 for $1 and they are nice.

Peace,
J.

Oh my gosh! I feel your pain. My husband's brother and wife are the same way. It is so annoying!! Plus, it is getting expensive and we only see them once a year. I'd rather give something to our neighbors! I finally had to think about why I was giving the gift in the first place... just because? to get one in return? it is the right thing to do? OR it makes me feel good to do something nice for someone else?

I have finally gotten my hubby to agree a card is enough for the brother and wife. We typically just do one book for their kids and call it a day.

In your case, forget etiquette! I think b/c he is the god parent and all that that means. I say definitely do something for him each year. That does not mean you need to do anything for the other children. He and your hubby are the ones that have the special link. Sign the gift from your God Father and hubby's name. It doesn't have to be anything big, just a book would be fine. Kids don't really like cards too much, but that at least would remind them that you are thinking of them. I always sign a little note inside the books we give to our nephews b/c I feel like their mom probably doesn't even tell them who it is from. I feel like once they are older, maybe they will see that we were trying all along and it was their own parents that are rediculous.
Blessings,
Amanda

P.S. One of our aunts and uncles always sent us a dollar for each year we were old. Then they stopped at the big 21. (Like 10th b-day give 10 bucks, eleventh b-day give 11 bucks.) I thought it was neat. That amount for the child for the year is still nice but doesn't break your bank.

L.,
You don't say if the title bestowed upon your husband was through a church ceremony, or if it was a randomly 'assigned' name simply denoting a very special uncle. The church ceremony and assignment is not simply a title. It is a legal assignment and responsibility for the spiritual growth of this boy. Some don't take it all that seriously anymore, but the assignment is no less serious and relevant.
Either way, I think it depends on how you and your husband want to fashion your presence inside the family. It's my thinking that your husband (which probably means you, to some extent) would want to acknowledge the special connection, perhaps with a card (they have "godson" cards). If you want to be more demonstrative, here are some thoughts:
You might want to make an offering in his name to an organization for children, or a church organization.
You might want to give him a personalized child's bible
If the child has a college fund, you might want to contribute to that in the amount that you'd have spent on a toy.
All of these ideas are about how the child develops spiritually, and help him to see - regardless of his family situation or their failure to acknowledge others - the importance of thoughtfulness and of generosity.
Just a few thoughts; whatever you choose to do will be perfect.

Hi L., I support those that say gifts for children lend to overindulgence and not concentrating on the important issue - the thought and the message. We all like to have acknowledgement for our efforts, it takes time and money to buy/send a gift, so I do understand that aspect. If it were me, I would send a lovely card to the child each year, stating how special they are to you. He will remember it!! Whereas he may not remember that Tonka truck that will quickly be on the bottom of the toybox. Just remember the message, that's the important part!

Hi L.,

It gets kind of tricky when a person is Godparent and relative. I can understand your dilemma. In my opinion, I think despite the parent's lack of etiquette, it should be only about the child. Gifts are good in moderation in this case such as birthday and christmas. Do not expect to receive anything from the parents anymore. They are who they are, so later for them. But be content with making the child happy since the gift is for the child. I have been where you are and learned how to focus only on making the desired party happy. That is where I get my thank you. As far as the other siblings are concerned, I see the problem because they are family. If your conscious bothers you, consider getting them tokens such as $5 gift certificates to McDonalds or funny socks, or hats, or gloves, or cute kid umbrellas, etc. They are much less expensive and can even be bought from a Dollar store and they won't feel left out.

Hope any of this advice helps. Good luck.

A.

Gifts are never mandatory. They are sometimes expected, but never required. That's why they are called gifts. With that said, why did you send out gifts to the children to begin with? I'm sure it was to let them know that you care for them and want them to know you love them. Though it is a let down when you don't even receive a thank you, realize it is probably the parents' fault one hadn't been received. A simple phone call to the child asking if the present came is the best way to see if it got there. This also gives the child a chance to say "thank you" to you and let you know how they liked the present. If you don't especially feel the need personally to send a gift, then by all means, DON'T.
Regarding the position of god-parent given to your husband, it seems to be more of an honorary title than one with real responsibilities so long as the child's parents are living and capable of caring for the child. A birthday card is enough if you feel obligated to do anything at all. It doesn't sound as if your family is truly close to his, so I wouldn't worry about it.
Ultimately my family reserves gift giving for those we are truly close to and for those who have invited us to parties celebrating their special events.

This isn't really an etiquette question b/c nowhere are you required to provide a gift except perhaps a wedding you attend - and even then etiquette doesn't demand a particular type/expenditure. If your husband truly wants to serve the purpose of Godparent - to help guide the child's religious life - he can provide a gift/card that may in someway do that but only if he feels that push. It doesn't need to be extravagant- perhaps a childs bible or devotional, if Catholic - rosary beads , inspirational message in card.... By it being from him alone rather than your family and signing it from Your Godfather, so and so, it will separate why other nephews/nieces haven't received the same.
I understand the marrying into a family that doesn't follow these rules - I was even admonished once for sending a thank you b/c "you don't have to do that with family." My response and thoughts are - I'm teaching my children that thank you notes are a thoughtful and tangible response to a gift - if they don't think teaching gratitude that way is necessary, so be it -I don't expect anything from them - a gift is just that - no tit for tat sort of thing. I will call if I've mailed a gift, however, after a reasonable time to find out if gift arrived - and I try not to sound snippy - haha =). On similar note - it can't hurt to send a card to the other kids - when they grow up perhaps they'll remember that Aunt L. and Uncle X always sent us a card -I'd like to do that with our kids too. Don't make it about what the in laws have or haven't done but what you would like done. This can be one of these teaching moments as your child gets older about - "just b/c they do this i their house doesn't mean we don't - I want you to do this b/c you should"

Well...while I understand your issue with your child not receiving gifts from others, to give a gift is to expect nothing in return. We shouldn't expect others to give us or our family something just to receive something back. I know that was not your intent and you are hurt for your child. However, we must teach our children to do the right thing...even if it is the hard or unfair thing. If you feel you want or should send a gift (and can financially) then you should. Don't do it for etiquette but for kindness.

Love the child anyway. So his parents were dippy to not ask BOTH of you to be godparents. So his parents don't remember to make the kids write thank-you notes or send presents. That's not his fault. The sins of the parents are visited upon the child. Or something. But they shouldn't be. Send him a special little card on his birthday, if you're afraid an actually present will be up equality issues with his siblings. It's not about his parents, it's about him. So love him best you can.

Dear L.,

I actually have this same problem with my own brother! My daughter's bday is a week before his own daughter's bday. He called me to "find out" what my daughter wanted for hers, so of course I asked what his daughter wanted. I sent out her gifts, but never recieved any for my daughter. I was very upset at first. Eventually, I decided that just becuase her parents are...well rude (this is my own brother after all), doesn't mean that we have to be rude to them. My husband and I decided that we will still send bday and xmas presents to their daughter, although it won't be anything extravagent, she won't have to suffer for their mistakes. They on the other hand, will recieve a printed card (hallmark card shop software type) to at least let them know that we did not forget them.

Cards are a wonderful way of telling someone that you are thinking of them. In larger families and ones that are spread to winds (military family...shipping does get expensive), cards show that you care. A card making computer program will go a long way. You could send a card to each family in the whole extended family for less than $5, postage included. Then the question becomes...'Do you think that the family/child (for bdays) deserves to know that you thought of them. Maybe address the card from just your husband since they did not incude you as a God Parent as well. Hopefully, the parents would notice that this fact has upset you. The whole purpose of having God Parents is religious obviously, as opposed to legal. If something were to happen to the parents, the God Parents are who they have chosen to care for their children. That being said, it really doesn't make sence for them to only choose one of you.

Hello. I believe that a Godparent is someone special, therefore the Godchild is someone special. And they deserve a little something on their birthday. I would send the siblings birthday cards and that is it. I would not to the other "Cousins" in the family. It gets expensive just buying cards now-a-days. An E-Card would be perfect if you wanted to send everyone something.
As for the personalized gift, I would call to make sure they got it. You should have received a thank you card when a gift is that special...a keepsake! I think it is rude otherwise that a family member or friend would not show their appreciation. My kid's send thank you cards for their gifts. My daughter's 4th birthday was Monday. I wrote out TY cards and she signed her name to them. It's just plain being polite and thankful. Good Luck.

I don't think there really is any specific etiquette in place for birthday gifts in general. Personally, I think people go overboard for birthdays, especially for children. I would completely remove the fact that your husband is a godparent from the equation. If the child has a birthday party and you guys are invited, then get him a gift. If not, then don't. That's how I'd look at it. Also, if this child has siblings and you don't gift them, then I wouldn't even consider gifting this child. While I don't think it's always the right thing to do to base whether to give a gift on whether or not they got you (or your child) one, it is another way to help you decide. It sounds to me like you should probably skip this one. The kid will never know, and surely the parents won't be offended if they don't give gifts themselves.

Being a GOD Parent means that you are to help the child learn about GOD, faith, make sure he goes to church, etc. I would recommend a children's bible for the birthday present, a childish cross to hang in his room or a small plaque with scripture to hang in his room.

Here is a site that tells you more what a God Parents responsiblilities are:

http://www.egodparent.com/Godparenting.htm

Christian Responsibilities of a Godparent
1. Pray for your godchild regularly
2. Set an example of Christian living
3. Help him/her to grow in the faith of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in which he was baptized
4. Give every encouragement to follow Christ and fight against evil
5. Help your godchild to look forward to confirmation.

It sounds like there is a lot more going on with these family dynamics. One of the purposes of having a Godparent for a child is to know that there is someone who is willing to raise the child should both parents die prior to the child becoming a legal adult. It's strange that you weren't asked to be the Godmother. Who do the parents think will raise the child if both of them were killed in a car accident. It's a question your husband needs to ask. If there is a Godmother, would they have joint custody? The parents of this child need to make their wishes known, and have a legal document that states what everyone has agreed upon. Being a god parent does not obligate you to give gifts to the child. It's more about being a source of moral guidance, and teaching the child about living a Christian life. If you are invited to a birthday party, then go, have a good time, take a gift for the birthday boy, and also take a little something for the other two as well. Don't expect anything in return. If you are thanked in person when giving the gift, then that should be enough. Don't waste time worrying about getting your propers! If you want your daughter to receive gifts or cards for her birthday, then host a party, and invite guests. Most people are very busy nowadays, and simply don't have time to go into a store to buy a $4 or $5 card, and mail it. Most kids couldn't care less about a card anyway. It's money wasted.

In my humble opinion, you should just do what the rest of the family does - if they do not send gifts, then you don't need to. It shouldn't matter that this child is your husband's "godson". Send a card, if you like, but don't worry about putting money in it.
As for not getting thank you cards when you send a gift, I also don't think you should be upset about that. No, it is not good etiquette, but the children do what they are taught and if their parents don't make them they wont' do it. The thing is, you send a gift because you want to, not because you have to or because you need to be thanked for it.

First, I'd like to point out that although it is often assumed that the God-parents are those who would raise the child in case of the parents’ death, I think that technically (legally) that is the role of a named Guardian, which is a different “position” than that of God-parent. A God-parent is actually just a person whom the parents have chosen to offer moral or spiritual guidance to the child. So while it may hurt your feelings a bit for them to name your husband as God-father without also choosing you to be God-mother (and I agree that was insensitive on their part), it actually makes a little more sense than if they had named him to be Guardian without including you.
Second, the act of gift-giving should be done with nothing but joy for the giving, not out of expectations of receiving anything in return. It is understandable for you to be disappointed if your gift is not even acknowledged, since it may leave you wondering whether it was even received. In that case, ask! But if you are only giving gifts in the hopes of winning accolades for yourself, or in the hopes of “earning” gifts for your own child, in my opinion you miss the point of giving gifts in the first place. If it bothers you to not receive thank-you notes or gifts in return, stop giving the gifts and don’t worry any more about it. If it bothers you to NOT give the children gifts for their birthdays, holidays, etc., then by all means give the gifts and just don’t expect anything in return. (Perhaps your husband, as God-parent, can one day offer suggestions to the God-child along the lines of how nice it is to express appreciation, etc….?)

I would say do what you want to teach your child. I think a card for all of the children in the family for birthdays is a good idea. Maybe a handmade gift for them as well. something small. Walmart, Michaels, etc. has a lot of neat things your kids can do to make gifts. Showing the children in your family that you care is a wonderful thing. So is teaching your kids about being kind .

I do NOT think it's alright to give one child a birthday gift and not his siblings on their birthdays. That isn't right at all.

Gift giving doesn't have to mean expensive gifts and all of that. It's the thought that counts. Your kids will like to make cards and small gifts. If you don't hear from the parents. Call and ask if they recieved it. In the end your kids have a chance to learn something. I would hate to think your kids act this way torwards eachother when they are adults. Teach the lesson now while you can.

Good luck, J.

I'm always shocked when people don't respond to a gift with a thank you note. It's more than etiquette, it's being gracious, thankful, appreciative and responsible. If a gift is mailed, at least you know that it arrived.

I would not give a gift. A card could acknowledge his birthday but I'm not even sure that I would do that. The family just sounds uncaring, unaware, unthoughtful, and irresponsible. Don't do it and don't feel bad. Say a special prayer for him and his family that will help.

This is an "honorary" designation, not a legal one? IOW, if they were to die, he isn't expected to raise the child?

Personally, I'd say that the family has "expressed" their tradition through their actions, i.e., no acknowledgement of birthdays. Unless he has a legal responsibility, I'd say follow the pattern of the family, esp. since singling out the one child might be confusing and hurtful to the others.

It is better to give than to recieve. You are not obligated too, and that makes it even better if you are giving from your heart.
As the years go by the gift will be recognized when you least expect it to be.
J. Hewett

I would not start the gift business. Some families covet the godparent thing, obviously, this was just a show.

i would not send gifts if they don't send the other kids gifts or even appreciate it when you do.

Depends on the family, ours for awhile was a gift under $25. As our families have grown one side doesn't do gifts while the other still does. My Husband and I don't give out Birthday Gifts to kids once they graduate High School as just a rule of our house.
It sounds as gifts are not exchanged. I don't think it's inappropriate for the fact that they don't give back or even acknowledge the gift their own child received.

We have a ton of nieces and nephews (15 from my side alone!) and exchange presents only if we are in town for the occassion. That is, if we are actually going to the party. If you feel your status as God parent is significant, and some families are more religious than others and that's not always the case, I would send cards or even a small gift on religious holidays like Christmas and Easter to acknowledge that role. Good luck!

First of all, it is kind of tacky to name him "God Parent" knowing that you all are married and not naming you "God Parent" also. Maybe I am wrong but I thought that God parent meant that if something happened to them that the God parents take over as parents. Maybe I have it all wrong, but if I am right, then who do they expect to be the God mother, especially since you 2 are married?

If that family is not super wealthy, they probably can't afford to send all the neices and nephews gifts and after so many, it is hard to remember so many and depending on how many there is (if there is alot) sending cards would get monotonous after a while.
As far as etiquette, I don't know whether it is wrong or right but I wouldn't worry about sending cards or gifts. If there was one particular family that remembered your children's birthday, I would keep up with their children but wouldn't bust my butt with the others even if it was my "God child".

Hey L.,
I think unless you come to some kind of an official agreement with the family not to exchange gifts, you should get the child something. He is your husband's godchild and that should mean something. It is a good chance to be above the pettiness and act as a godparent should. Giving freely without thinking of what you'll get in return. The birthday should be remembered somehow and in time, the child will come to appreciate it even if the parents don't. Best wishes!

J.

I have one question for you. Did you send the cards/gifts without any expectations simply sent out of love or because you expect people to act a certain way because you act that way? I'm not trying to be mean. You stated you already know his family isnt into gifts/cards but if you are then dont hold back just because someone isnt the way you are. Dont take it personally. Maybe it's financial reasons for the family, since there are so many it does get overwhelming or maybe they just arent into those kinds of things. It sounds like your feelings have been hurt and you dont feel appreciated, if other than the gifts/card thing you sense they love you then lavish in that, and give your handmade things to friends/family that will appreciate you in the ways your seeking. I've been on both ends...and the question I asked you is the same question I had to ask myself years ago. And when I started giving without expectations it freed me from those feelings of not being appreciated. And in some cases where it was someone really close to me like a good friend or my husband I would share my feelings, that I was hurt that there was no thank you and did they like it? Have you ever heard of the book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Smalley? That book helped me to see everyone feels loved/appreciated differently. Maybe that's something that would help you understand your love language as well as your family and maybe husband/friends. I come from a big family and also my husband and some years I get cards sent a gifts and some years I dont. Even though my love language is gift giving. I love to get gifts and I love to give gifts it sounds like you may be like that too? Life can get crazy at times, and I'm not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, just can be a lot to keep up with when you start having your own kids, etc. Best to you in this decision. It will all work out.

Hello,
I have read that as a God parent you are not obligated to provide any gifts to the child. God parent simply means that if the parents of the child do not raise the child with Chrstian values, or should they pass that the God parent will take the place of teaching/helping that child be raised with Christian values.
If your husband wants to give gifts, then let that be on him. I personally would not feel the need to do so, especially based on your statement.

of corce everyone has openions and you might not agree with but my daughter has a god mother and father and when the ceremony at church was done the paster told everyone there that they were responcible to aid in this childs developement which I beleave was spiritual obligation to assist in training the child in the right direction.your husband didnt have to accept this responcibility he chose to.In the event somthing happend to his family would he not feel it his responcibility to care for this child as any regular parent would?I dont feel there is a obligation for elabret presants but would it hurt to agnolage the child with a card or if you live near take the child for a ice cream cone alone with out other siblings.Its not the childs fault that he hasent been taught to say thank you.accept that its a moral obligation and once the child is old enough to be responcibility for his actions your husbands responcibility is done.good luck in your deciaion.

I don't know much about 'God-parents', but in this situation I'd ask your husband (cautiously -- because it might get emotional or cause resentments for YOU) what HE thinks about it. If he really wishes to send a gift, maybe you could choose it together so that you feel that he's not 'deserting' you or 'rubbing it in' that you weren't also named as God-mother (which really DOES seem a mite exclusive and 'tacky' of them!). If he'd really rather not be involved, I don't see where you'd need to be. Do they just 'casually' choose God-parents for their kids? I think this should be a seriously thought-out process, but still only as 'binding' as both families agree to.

My husband are godparents together to one little boy, and separately to several other children. The purpose of being a godparent is usually for spiritual guidance through the child's life. As for gifts, I think that you can be as close to the child as is comfortable for you and that child's parents. The child that my husband are partner god-parents to we love very much, and we are very, very close to his parents. I was actually in the room when he was born (his daddy was in Iraq at the time). We give gifts to him, but that is just the relationship that we share with his parents. I think that it sounds like a card would be appropriate for your husband's situation. My other three godchildren I really do little for. I have lost touch with one of the moms completely, despite the fact that my goddaughter was named after me. The second goddaughter has never met me, or was only 3 months old, but knows about me, and her mom and I are best froends, but we have not seen each other for about 6 years. We talk often on the phone, but I still don't really do much for my goddaughter there;she, too was named after me. And my third godchild-my first godson-I only talk to my friend two or three times a year, but we are still very close. I don't do much for him either. Being a navy wife makes it difficult to see any of them, really. Two of them are military families as well, and that multiplies the difficulty. We all know that we care very much about each other, and they all know that if need be I will be ready to give any of my 5 god children guidance and/or support that they may need. Still, sending the occasional card or small token of support and care is not a bad idea, but not a requirement, and also not a faux-pa if you don't do it.

Hope this helps-best wishes!

As a God-child from one of those families (my dad's side of the family), it isn't expected. Here's how it went with our family. Major event, graduations, 16th B-Days, stuff like this is acknowledged. Christmas, and Birthdays.. (for my family at least) there were no personal gifts, once in a blue moon, my godmother would send a B-Day card, and if anything was sent to our family for Christmas, it was a group gift, candy and nut or videos, etc etc.
My dad's side fo the family is a little odd to me, because my mother's family is the BEST when it comes to gifts and love. My mother's family is very poor financially, but VERY rich in spirit, even though they couldn't afford it, every B-Day, every holiday, there was always something there for our family, and lots of love. My opinion is this... YOU set your OWN standard. Forget all traditions, forget all rules, who CARES if you are acknowledged with your gifts, the BEST gifts come straight from the heart, and the person couldn't care less if they are acknowledged or not. In other words, if you don't want to do it, don't do it... if you do, then do it. In the end the only 2 people who's opinion is gonna matter is your own and that child's.. not the rest of the family.

It's all up to you and your husband. Etiquette isn't exactly doing what other people in our family do,and it certainly isn't doing or saying anything that would potentially insult or cause hurt feelings in the family. If you and hubby feel it was an honor for him to be selected as a God-father, then I would suggest you send a "happy birthday God-son" card to him. My daughter's God mother started sending a buck for every birthday year. That was unique and appreciated. As far as not getting a "thank-you"..well, shame on them. But, doing or giving something with no strings attached kind of idea would be totally be up to you and hubby on this one. You could ignore the whole thing. Doesn't seem to be of importance to them, neither the receiving or giving of gifts or thank-you's. But, if you decide to "give"...do it with full knowledge that there may not be a "thank you" coming. One thing I do know about etiquette is to correct family or friends on the "right etiquette" is certainly not proper etiquette. Good luck and hope this puts it in prespective.
P.S.
After reading your responces I was a bit shocked to see how many people think it odd or lame in some way that you weren't chosen as a God-parent as well. It was always a tradition in many families I have known to ask one person from the mother's family or friend and another from the father's choice.

L.,
I just read everything you wrote.
I really understand that this is a hard pill to swallow.
I was raised very mannerly, however, not everyone has that opportunity. They are obviously ignorant, and that's sad.
But take a step back.

Think of the child in this.
Next think of the words "GOD" "PARENT"
What do those all have in common?
Your husband has an obligation to that child and to God to be a role model. The child may never know manners except from your husband. See? It's not about their own parents that have a hand in that child's life, it's about caring adults such as you and your husband.
I was taught many wonderful things from adults I looked up to, other then my own parents!
Don't spite the child because of your husband's family's ignorance. They just don't know any better.

Please send this child cards, every chance you get, send this child birthday gifts, because they are innocent little child who should never be caught between adult conflicts.
You might be a Godly example, one that his family would like to be like! Set an example for high standards. Don't lower yourself to one that they don't respect. See?

I hope this is received as nothing but kind. I'm trying to help to convey etiquette from another view point, less the emotional attachment to the situation.

I am in the same situation. My husband's brother and his wife don't even remember when it's my son's birthday or my husband's birthday. They never even send a card to us for Christmas. It's as if we don't even exist. They also don't acknowledge receiving gifts from us and I often have to track the package thru the post office to find out if they received it. The ironic thing is, they have a lot of money and pretend to be upper class.

We have decided to stop sending gifts to them and their son. At first I felt guilty for this decision because "two wrongs don't make a right" but after years of this behavior on their part, we have decided that we should treat them the way they treat us.

You have to decide for yourself how you would like to handle the situation, but I thought I would share our situation, with the hope that it might help you decide how to handle it. I think it is perfectly fine for you to treat them the way they treat you and not bother to send a gift.

I am not sure if there is a correct etiquette answer for this but I think you should buy him a gift. Our children's God parents are not related and they buy our children gifts for bday and Christmas. I completely understand how you feel about not receiving thank you's for your thoughtfulness but think of it this way, it is not the child's fault that his parents are not thankful or thoughtful. You are who you are and should not change your thoughtfulness just b/c someone else is not polite or proper. I am one of those ppl who sends cards, thank you's, gifts for no reason, etc and for years it would bother me so much that ppl did not respond the way I thought they should, thank me, etc and my husband said to me, "not everyone is as thoughtful as you are and if you do these things b/c you want to, and they make you feel good to do them, you do them for YOU, not b/c you expect a thank you in return." From that day I only give to those who truly deserve my thoughtfulness whether they send a thank you or not. Children need to be taught to be thankful and maybe your giving will help them along. You can do something very small but just to let them know you are thinking of them. My aunt and uncle sent us a card with a $5 bill in it for our bdays and that made us as happy as a gift b/c it was money! If I were you, I would send each neice and nephew a card with $5 in it for their bdays and the one you send to the godchild, he gets a special card stating, "to my godchild". Just do what makes you happy b/c it is for a child. I have always thought that if you can only afford bday or Christmas, you should give for bday b/c it is the one day a year that is your special day an should be celebrated. For Christmas you can send a card with a $1 or $5 gift card to McDonalds, a toy store, etc or you can just send a mini stocking filled with candy...anything very small, from the dollar store, etc just to say, "thinking of you".

W.

L., it's not about the presents. It's about the presence. So what if the family does not send gifts to your daughter. Do you want her to grow up thinking of special events in terms of "the loot"? And, if your nephew's parents were killed before he grew up, and if your husband took his responsibility as godparent solemnly and took his nephew in to raise him, would you do everything within your power to aid in the boy's upbringing? Of course you would. It's the right thing to do.
You don't need to weigh your quality as a human being against what your husband's family does or does not do. Their actions reflect only on their quality as human beings. What you do reflects on your quality.
Do you feel compelled to give your neices and nephews small tokens for their birthdays or Christmas? Then do it. And then you might want to take the opportunity to teach them a little something. (Their parents, too.) Regardless of whether they offer verbal thanks at the time of receiving the gift, they should learn to write thank you notes as well. It will be a gift in itself and a quality that will hold them in good stead in the world when they grow up.
A few weeks after the celebratory day, the next time you see the recipient, ask him about the gift. Draw him into conversation about it. Then, gently mention that, "You know, people don't have to give gifts to others. So when you receive a gift from someone, you are supposed to send them a little note to let them know you appreciated their gift and their thinking of you." Ask about other gifts the child may have gotten then volunteer to take him out to buy some little thank you cards to send to everyone. Sit down with him and help him to compose a short note to each gift giver - "Thanks for the toy truck. I like it a lot." / "Thanks for the shirt." / "Thanks for the cash. Cool!" Not a lot of words and an easy project. And it may make more difference in the child's life than a world of bad manners from his parents.

Don't be afraid to go against the family's tradition of bad etiquette. Give all of the nieces and nephews a small gift if you wish. But, afterwards, take the opportunity to make them better people. Maybe your efforts will shame their parents and make them better people, too. Then, if, after a couple of years, they don't seem to be taking the lesson, let them know, as the next gift-giving time nears, that apparently they don't appreciate your gifts because they have never acknowledged your efforts. Tell them that, "This will probably be the last year we can give you a gift for _______. Since we have never received a thank you note from you, that leads us to believe our gifts are not appreciated. So, in the future, we will be making a donation to charity instead."

And, if your daughter doesn't get gifts from the family ... So what? If she asks, just tell her some people are like that. Let her know she shouldn't stop being the best she can be just because others are not. After a visit with the outlaws ... er, in-laws, have her write them a short note thanking them for the visit. "Gramma and Grampa, It was fun to see you today. I really enjoyed the visit."

A few small drops of water can wear away a mountain. And a few kind gestures can melt the coldest heart.

Good luck.

I found this on a website called families.com It may apply in your situation.

Can someone explain the role of godparents to me? I think it is a neat idea, but I also don't really understand their role in the child's life. How does the relationship work? How do you choose godparents?

In the early Church Adults were prepared for Baptism by 2 or 3 years of instruction and were kept isolated from the Christian community to some extent. Simply because you never knew who you could or could not trust. So a person inquiring into this new "Christian faith" was given a contact person or sponsor to help instruct them and help them along. As we moved away from adult Baptisms and to more and more infants in the 2nd and 3rd centuries. The Sponsor turned into what we see as Godparents today. Parents are the primary teachers of the Catholic faith to their children and Godparents are to assist them in doing this. Canon Law requires that all Godparents meet certain requirements. They must be practicing Catholics registered at a parish, in good standing with the Church. More and more today Godparents are required to provide a letter from their pastor stating that they are registered Catholics and practicing. Only one Godparent is needed, either a male or female, or one of each. You cannot have two females or two males. They do not need to be related to each other in any way. You can choose them or your pastor can suggest someone from your parish.