Baptism Etiquette Question

Although I would not think of attending a baptism without giving a gift of some sort, I feel the occassion is more about the celebration than the gifts. My kids have been "slighted" on various occassions but I have come to use it as a learning opportunity. I want them to learn that these celebrations (baptisms, birthdays, etc) are about togetherness with family and friends, celebrating love and blessings, etc. We have a few relatives we are close to that don't give presents for whatever reason. I've never asked and they've never offered any reason. We still enjoy them being in our lives and don't want the absence of presents to ruin our otherwise good relationships. It took awhile for me to adopt this line of thinking. When my second child was born she didn't receive anywhere near the fanfare or gifts that my firstborn received. I was very hurt. Of course she didn't know she had been "treated" any differently. After buying her a few special little gifts, I decided I couldn't control the actions of others and I realized there would come a time when I would want my kids to not expect presents (or presents of a certain dollar amount or of a particular name brand, etc) but to be grateful for other good things in their lives - family, friends, opportunities, etc. That is when I decided to file "not receiving presents" under "don't sweat the small stuff". I have been much happier since doing so.

I'm sorry, but this is going to be harsh. First, get honest. You're "hurt" they didn't give a gift? Please, you're pissed. This is a very materialistic reaction. I mean really, your "hurt" because you didn't get a card??? or is it your put off because people your perceive to afford it didn't stuff the absent card with a check!? My children had people travel from afar, so we were just happy family ATTENDED! People's presence (not presents) is GOOD ENOUGH!!
Gas money and time is gift enough!!! Secondly, you have no idea the possible reality of people's financial picture at this current time! They could have lost their investments and stressed about their future and your worried about a BAPTISM GIFT!!?? Your post is SHALLOW!!! Be more appreciative!! Thirdly, your keeping score girl! It wasn't a gift you gave them, if you are writing it down on a scorecard and expecting something in return at a later date!!! ANd lastly, "hurt for your child"... unfortunately the only compassionate thing I can muster up to say is this will happen a lot, people don't always meet our expectations and that is just part of life. Your disappointments in life are a direct result of your expectations. Remember what the event was... your child being dedicated to learning about Christ is all that matters. Focus on that! My children's God-Parents have never gifted our children anything more than a bible and their time. They are young, and don't have children yet, but are fantastic Christians. Keep what is important in focus and don't let the opposition distract you with Babylonian trinkets!

I agree that it is the right thing to do to at least bring a card. However, you cannot control what others do. Did you invite them so that they would bring a gift? Or are you glad that they came to celebrate with you? I say let it go. We don't always know what is going on with others, so try not to judge.

Hi M.. Isn't it amazing how rude people can be? But following etiquette....turn the other cheek and move along. Best wishes.

I am not Catholic, so I am not up on this kind of Etiquette. However, inviting people with the expectation that they will bring gifts is rude. It's not Christmas, a baby shower, wedding or birthday.

I'm sorry that you felt cheated because you always gave to their kids and they didn't reciprocate. That was probably not intentional. Perhaps they weren't expecting the gifts and cards and were pleasantly surprised .. . . and perhaps they had incredibly busy weeks before the event, and didn't give it a thought, but they DID bring themselves to the event to honor you and your child.

It's okay to feel snubbed. Feelings are feelings, and we can't change them. But try not to dwell on it. All it will do is make you angry and bitter, instead of making you happy over having had so many family come to the baptism. Also, think about this: is your infant going to notice that someone failed to give him/her a gift or card ? Who are you feeling hurt for ?

The other thing that you need to remember is that looks can be deceiving. Also, everyone lives up to and many live over the incomes they have. Not good, but it's done in our country. Given the amount of debt people carry, they may or may not have as much "play money" as you think. It's also April, and people will big incomes just wrote out REALLY BIG chekcs to the IRS. I do people's taxes and I've seen checks written that exceed my own gross income. I've seen people who make really GOOD money get to April 15th and have to ask their bank or Uncle Sam for $$ or time to get the bill paid. You weren't walking in their shoes or in their brains, and none of this may apply -- but do realize that if they had WANTED to snub and hurt you, they would simply have not bothered to come. Really. They may not have remembered the gift you gave their kids, but they did remember that you gave the gift of yourself and your time to attend their kids' baptisms, so they came to yours.

Frankly, I have 4 girls. When the first two were baptized, family attended. When the 2nd two were baptized, we lived out of state, and no one came. And in my faith, we baptize at an age when the kids would notice that no one bothered to show up. And they didn't complain. And I understood that we live 13 hours away from everyone else in my family. C'est la vie.

I don't know anything about Baptism questions, but if it is expected that they bring a gift they should have. It's okay to feel hurt, but I'm sure the child will never know unless you tell them. Just realize that some people are like that.

When we had our first child, she got a lot of gifts for different occasions from my husband's relatives, but after the birth of the second, third and fourth, they gave almost nothing. I was hurt at first, but I let it pass. I never mentioned it to the kids, and they will never know.

Nothing ticks off a parent more than the feeling their child has been slighted. I can relate.
Maybe they thought it was a religious celebration and gifts were not appropriate or expected? Hmmmmm..... Well, there's really nothing you can do about it at this point. If they DID get your child something and it was lost, stolen, overlooked....it still is! If they were just oblivious...they still are! I would just chalk it up to different strokes for different folks. O. day, the 'reason" may be revealed.

Well, Aimee's post is wrong... when it comes to "etiquette" one must refer to an expert not their own "opinion" of what is correct. Therefore the following is an excerpt from MISS MANNERS herself Judith Martin. You can find her books at a bookstore or local library.

According to proper etiquette: "For a baby's Christening/baptism, a bay wears white, and the parents and guests wear dressy afternoon clothes. At the luncheon or tea following the ceremony, which can be held in church or at home, it is traditional to serve a white cake with the baby's initials in icing, and either a champagne or the hot egg-nog punch called "caudle". Although gala occasions, these events are of a religious nature, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH CHILDREN"S BIRTHDAY PARTIES. Presents are customary BUT ARE NOT MADE to seem a central part of the occasion. MANY OF THE GUESTS BEING INTIMATES OF THE FAMILY, WILL ALREADY HAVE SENT OR BROUGHT BABY PRESENTS AND NEED NOT DO SO AGAIN. What is obligatory is for the guests to coo over the baby, announce that it is the most perfect creature they have ever seen, shows signs of vast intelligence and so on."

The book goes on to describe the duties of a Godparent: "Traditionally, the godparents' duties are to hold the baby at the christening; give it a lasting present, traditionally something silver, engravable, and of unknown utility; and act a s second-string parents to the child, providing moral and religious instruction, birthday and Christmas presents, and asylum when the child becomes a teenager and quarrels with his parents. The godparent relationship is often connected with he willingness to assume guardianship should the the child be orphaned. There is no mandate to do this by any standard other than that which you can mange financially_although there have been parents who have considered wealth when choosing godparents in the hope that these tasks would be performed lavishly. SUCH ULTERIOR MOTIVES need concern you only to the extent of resolving to work extra hard at teaching spirituality to a child from a MORALLY DISADVANTAGED HOME."

So, there you have it, [MANY OF THE GUESTS BEING INTIMATES OF THE FAMILY, WILL ALREADY HAVE SENT OR BROUGHT BABY PRESENTS AND NEED NOT DO SO AGAIN.] If your "very close relatives" already gifted you for your baby's birth or at a shower, then it is NOT REQUIRED that they GIFT AGAIN at the ceremony of Baptism.

I think your reaction is a sign of the times. Young people today, have a feeling of entitlement that overflows into almost every area of their lives. Be happy with yourself for giving and don't look to see what you can get in return. I would refer to Rachel J's post... although harsh, (as she describes in her own words), I believe it to be straight forward. Also something to keep in mind, when you tote (bring to other's attention what you have given to others) about your gift giving, your heavenly rewards are lost. Only gifts from the heart that have no attention brought upon them by the gift giver are rewarded from our Heavenly Father. Think about your event, the baptism. To focus on selfishness during this occasion is to muddy it. I would suggest you turn your focus to creating a list of all of the things in your life that you have gratitude. After you focus on gratitude, you will not only feel better, but easily be able to let go of your resentful feelings towards your "very close relatives". And by the way, if they are "very close relatives" I would think you wouldn't have even noticed the lack of card, but to have been so thankful for their attendance?

oh and P.S. IT would be a TOTAL BREACH OF ETIQUETTE to ask them "if their card got lost" like some others have suggested. That is worse than them not giving one in the first place!!! Inquiring why they didn't give a gift would be an INCREDIBLY TACKY thing to do!!

You say you can't help feeling hurt for your child? Don't feel hurt for your child!!! You're the ones who are understandably hurt. But gifts are never mandatory. Yes, they should have brought one. Yes, you are right. Maybe they are wealthy and decided not to bring one just to be rude. Maybe they didn't know better. Whatever. You don't give to receive. Easier said than done.
Send a thank you note for coming and be sincere.

I know how you feel, my husband's parents have done NOTHING for our kids.

While my mom (she and her husband are broke) has hand knitted each child numerous pairs of socks and sweaters, and made them each kitted blankets and quilts with their names on them, and my dad and his wife send little holiday and birthday boxes...

HIS family has sent one or two random boxes of broken junk AFTER YARD SALES WHEN THEY FAILED TO SELL IT-and they said so. Not on anyone's birthday or holiday- just random unwrapped rattling clutter with a scrap of paper saying it was for the kids. Maybe twice since our first was born over 3 years ago.

They too have plenty of money and love to talk about new things they have bought themselves traveling, fine art, designer furniture for their new big house, cases of wine recommended by their international friends, art books and boutique clothes for their neighbor's new baby WHOM THEY HELPED THROW A LAVISH CHRISTENING PARTY FOR, etc. But never so much as a birthday card for our kids.

Some people are just weird, but don't feel bad for your child based on other people's gifts!

Hello.

You may want to ask in the event it was lost at the function and they may need to cancel a check.

It has happened to me at our wedding and at our baptism. Some people did not give gifts at our wedding and at the baptism a cousin forgot to bring it but she mentioned it to me and sent it in the mail.
Good luck.

After reading the other responses, I'm going to try to avoid preaching as much as my initial reaction after reading your note. I will simply sum up my feelings by sharing that one of the most important influences in my life was my paternal grandmother. She didn't buy me presents or give me money. She simply spent time with me and demonstrated (never lectured me about) her exceptional faith in God and others. I will pray for you and your family to heal any hurt relationships and to teach your children to love each other in the most important ways.

********** EDITED WITH THIS ADDITION **********

Like Aimee, I am appalled at the responses to M.'s post. Talk about passing judgment? I very seriously doubt that the ONLY thing M. was concerned about was a monetary gift, and feel fairly sure that she was more perplexed, as gift giving for these types of events may be customary (not necessarily EXPECTED) for her family. That is the impression I got. And that's the way it is in my family. I take a gift to a baptism, even though it's a close relative, even if I gave a gift at the shower, even if I gave another gift for the birth, even though I am not wealthy,and EVEN THOUGH I UNDERSTAND AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE that the significance of a baptism is to welcome the child into the spiritual community into which he was born. I do this because I want to and I don't give the gifts for accolades or thank you's, or because etiquette dictates it, or becuase I expect to get anything in return. So in that way, sometimes we anticipate that others think or act like we do. And maybe M. is like me, and that is why she was perplexed by her situation. Additionally, M. has 2 other kids, so it may be safe to assume they were also batized, and those same close family members came to those baptisms, and perhaps even brought gifts... maybe that's why M.'s perplexed.

My main reason for editing this, is I am really disgusted about the way some of you have personally attacked M.. One might expect that on a gossip or debate blog, but I certainly didn't expect it here - where this is supposed to be a place of moms connecting with other moms, not crucifying them. I feel sorry for M. because I have gotten some really good, and supportive advice from the women on this site... and if I were M., heck, I myself am a little discouraged from posting here again, now realizing how one might be attacked for a relatively innocent question. I thought this site was about offering support, not criticizing or judging others. Seems like we are a bunch of self-righteous, holier-than-thou's around here. Not nice.

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After reading your post, my first thought was -
Is it possible that maybe the cards got lost? How long ago was the baptism? Perhaps they forgot to place the card in the designated gift area? Did these same relatives attend your other childrens' baptisms? If so, did they bring gifts for them? If they did, then I would be inclined to think it was some kind of oversight or mishap, rather than an intentional slighting of your third child... especially in light of the fact that you said they are financially secure, although in this economy, few are actually financially secure.

I am sure that you didn't invite those folks to your child's baptism solely for the purpose of them giving your child a gift, but I can certainly understand your confusion in that they didn't even bring a card. Seems suspicious to me... I would be dying to ask them about it, but there is just no tactful way to do that. On the flip side, if I took a card, especially with a gift, to a baptism and the child didn't receive it, I would certainly hope that someone would ask me about it, because 1) I would want the child to have the gift, and 2) I wouldn't want the family thinking that I slighted their child.

If you find anything out, please post it. I am curious now too!

I'm not sure what you're looking for here, the ok to ask these people for a gift? You can't do that. Maybe a gift is still coming, or they're not sending one. Many people believe the Baptism of a child is a blessed event, not a gift-giving occasion. I think you just have to let it go. Your baby need never know, so don't worry about his or hers hurt feelings.

I can understand why you are hurt/surprised that they did not bring a gift, as it is customary to give a gift or at least a card to mark a special occasion such as this. However, I think dwelling on the issue will bring nothing positive to any family involved. I have seen issues like this ruin relationships. I would advise really trying to focus on the positives of the time that family took to come and celebrate your child's special day. It will be a weight off your shoulders if you release any negative feelings and you will be the bigger person.

I agree with Aimee! I'm surprised so many people would think to show up at an event with nothing. I think it's okay to feel a bit hurt. When you go out of the way for others...you tend to expect the same back. I'm sure it wasn't the monetary amount you were hurt by not getting...but the thought! I would NEVER show up at ANY event without something! I definitely feel it's just the proper thing to do. It doesn't have to be much...even just a nice card. I actually had very close friends come empty handed to my wedding. I didn't care about the money...but just that they would come with nothing...not even a card. You can't help but be hurt. However, I will never return that "favor". I may not be as extravagant...but will still show up with something to any of their events. Feel good knowing that you think of these things and follow proper etiquette! God sees your generosity and thoughtfulness to others:) Don't let anyone make you feel like your feelings are wrong. EVERYONE is entitled to their own feelings.

My first instinct was to tell you to let it go to avoid any embarrassment of any parties, but then I thought about the thank you cards. Assuming you would be sending thank you's for the gifts, they may get upset if they don't receive one. And if they're anything like my relatives, someone's going to hear about it. Maybe you could try calling them and asking something like "I wanted to double check what you gave so that we can write the correct thank you note, the gifts/cards got mixed up, or even say something about misplacing some of the cards". It's a sensitive situation because you don't want to seem pushy and selfish expecting a gift, but at the same time as you said they are close relatives to whom you've given several gifts and it's just odd that they wouldn't bring one. Good luck with this one.

You have a lot of responses, but I am going to agree with the majority, and say, the important part of the baptism is that it is a spiritual occasion, gifts are nice but not required, you should thank them for their presence, and let go of your hurt. Your child has no idea who brought a gift and who didn't so don't be hurt for your child.

M.,
I would simply send them a thank you card for attending the event. This is a sacred event. Although they didn't bring a gift, they took the time to get dressed and attend the event. My son was Christened at 10 months (he is 5 now) and I don't even remember who bought gifts. What I am trying to say is that in the spanse of time, it won't matter. If you dwell on it, the hurt will turn to bitterness, which could cause you to miss out on a good friendship.

Also, you may feel that they are well off, but they may actually be financially strapped. A lot of people are not doing well now, but want to keep up the appearance that they are.

Don;t let the gift hing get in bewteen u and a long outstanding friendship. This year alone i had to pull off 3 birthdays and Easter, I didn;t want excpet anyone to bring anything to the twins party and i noted that on the invites, And then my husband we didn;t except any gifts then either..Even thou his mom asked if we where excepting gifts...

Try to bring your kids up where gifts are not everything. That all that matters is that the people are well enough to be there to help celbrate the gathering for what ever it might be.

I'm sorry that you're hurt, but IMO, expecting a gift or a card is a little too much. The fact that they came and supported your child is more than enough. Not everyone believes that an event warrants a gift. Although it may be important to you, it's not to everyone else. Would you rather them not come if they won't bring something for your child? If so, I'd make that clear when you invite them.

Everyone knows (or should know) that when you are invited to an important life event such as the sacrament of baptism, wedding, communion you bring a gift or a card. PERIOD. That is just what you do. I am AMAZED that anyone would even take you to task about this. The harsh responses on this board really surprise me. It was a breach of etiquette for your relatives to show up empty handed. Furthermore it speaks to the etiquette of many posters here that they would take you to task for this.

This is edited to add that I cannot believe the number of women who have turned this into a vicious personal attack on you M.. They are making so many assumptions about you that they are not qualified to make. And for all you "religious" women who have chosen to chime in I seem to recall that the Lord has said to "judge not thy neighbor"
(Why is it that so many "holy" people always seem to forget that one??) Poor M. just came here looking to vent a little and get some advice from fellow Moms. You have chosen to judge her and how she is raising her children. That is not what this board is about.If you did not agree with her there are so many better ways that you could have said it-or just keep your opinion to yourself if you can't be nice. I have enjoyed this board for a while now and really expected better from it.

In my opinion, and from personal experience, don't judge a book by its cover. You may think your guests are well off but don't know what financial responsibilities they have or even how today's economic conditions are impacting their lives. Politely send a thank you card thanking them for thier attendance at the celebration. If by chance a card/gift was lost or misplaced and its not mentioned on the thank you, it will alert them that you didn't get it and hopefully prompt them to contact you. Meanwhile, don't be hurt if they didn't give a gift/card. The party is to celebrate, not to get gifts and that is what I'd explain to the child too. Once again, thank them for their gratefulness in attending and be happy with that. Sometimes we are too wrapped up in expectations and forget to be thankful for the little things. Someday those people won't be here to celebrate with you, embrace this gift of their presence today. (I like Jennifer Y's response!)

Hi M., I know how you feel with our first child we had her baptized and my husbands bother was the godfather and him and his wife did not even give my daughter a card and he was the godparent. And just a couple of months before that they had their first child baptized and we gave her a gift. The way I feel not saying you have to give a gift or money but everyone can buy a card just to say things, You can even go to the dollar store and buy a card for 50 cents.

In our faith our children get baptized at 8. People are encouraged not to give gifts so it doesn't influence the child's decision and they can make it without the risk of being bribed our lured by material things. This may be more to do with their beliefs than the fact they have money.

Maybe they didn't know that a gift is usually given to the child being baptized. I didn't know that. Now I do thanks to you though. Thanks!

Why did you invite these people to the baptism? Was it to get gifts from them or was it because you wanted them there to witness and celebrate an important event? Why did you baptize your child? Was it to bring your child into God's family or was it to make people give gifts to your child?

I totally agree with Aimee's post! That being said, I would not be mentioning to anyone how much this has hurt you. I don't see how you could ever say anything to the close relatives about it either? I would simply send a "thank you" card and clearly thank them for "coming" and being a part of your childs special day.....being sure you don't mention "a gift".....just a thanks for sharing in it. Maybe, they will possibly get the point? I think it is very bizarre to not bring something, anything. Even if they would be having money issues and others don't know about it? you can still stop a the Dollar Store and pick up a card for under a buck! They could have just given a card with no money in it.....it would still have been more thoughtful than nothing at all.

Hi M.,

Baptism is not for gift giving. It is a holy occasion that brings the new born into the church family.

Hope this helps. Don't give gifts unless you want to, not for someone to return the favor.

D.

possible you lost the envelope?

I'd let it go, cause more grief down the road and honestly the baby isn't gonna know a thing.

Hi, congrats on the Baptism of your little one! Because Baptism is such an important milestone, the norm is to give a gift. But it may be that if they are not Catholic or practicing Catholics, they didn't understand the importance of it. (For example, if you were attending a Jewish Naming ceremony, you might not know what was expected.) Maybe they are not as well off as they appear. Or maybe their manners are just not what they should be! But because it is a religious experience, I would just let it go. Focus on the wonderful memories of the event for your child, and don't dwell on the hurt feelings and become bitter. As others have said, the real importance is to witness your child's becoming part of God's family. BTW, we adopted both of our children internationally. I have to admit that I was a bit hurt that I received nothing from my co-workers. I had contributed countless times to others baby showers, etc. At first I felt very hurt, because I felt people thought adoption wasn't as important as having your own baby. But after talking to my Mom, I decided that maybe people were unsure what to do because there was no "due date" and the wait kept getting longer and longer. Anyway, I know it can be a little hurtful, not because of the gift itself but because of the respect that the gift represents, but I think we always have to focus on what is really important. Congrats again and God bless!

hi M.,
Maybe they are BROKE ...... we are in a $$$ crisis @ this time ...they may have ' LOST' all of x-tra monies ..
today ; your friends may be live'n pay ck to pay ck and embassased to let peoples know ...
I am almost 60 yr . old .... I HAVE NEVER EVER cOUNTED OR REMEMBERED WHO WAS WITHOUT A GIFT FOR MY CHILDREN OR MYSELF .....
this is ODD that you 'n-e-e-d a GIFT ???????
no rules about 'gift' give'n [ a gift is simply a gift'
then another possabitity; they changed their religion ...
get over it .....
perhaps they were at your shower/ home and you have too much stuff already...
a grammy