I'm just heartbroken. I have 6 kids but only 1 grandbaby, who is the absolute joy of my life. My daughter left her husband when the baby was only 5 months old - she came home from work in the middle of the night because of a power outage (was worried about her frozen breast milk supply) and caught her husband with another woman. Turns out it had been going on for quite some time. She packed up her and the baby and came straight to my house. Her and the baby stayed here for a short bit until she found a cute little house for rent just a few blocks away. She got a job at our local school less than a mile away and found a great daycare/preschool just 1/2 mile away. She went back to college part-time. She got divorced from her husband and when the baby was 1.5 yrs old, she started "friending" (she stated not dating and no sex since she hadn't been divorced a year at that time and they both have young children in the mix) a nice guy with 2 kids. They have been truly dating for awhile now, but still do not live together. He lives about 2.5 hrs from us in the area she used to live (and where we are originally from before moving down here nearly 10 years ago).
I spend time nearly every day with my grandbaby. On the days I don't see her, I talk to her on the phone or we snapchat (with mom's help, of course). She is 3 1/2 and now really starting to understand and will remember the time she spends with me and memorable things we do together. She has sleepovers here and loves to fish with Pop Pop on the weekends. She is very close with our 17 yr old who has special needs and she cries when he can't come over to play or watch a movie.
I know I have been oh so lucky, believe me. Our situation is such that it is really difficult for me to go anywhere due to kids with special needs, helping my mom and seeing my dad in the nursing home on a regular basis, on top of working a billion hours, and other family stuff going on. If she didn't live so close, it would be really difficult for me to see her.
My daughter doesn't know I know yet, but she is moving in with her boyfriend when the school year is over. She called her older sister (my oldest daughter) to tell her, which means that daughter promptly called me. She hasn't told me yet I think because she knows I will cry. I am super happy that she is so happy - but I know that I just won't get to see my grandbaby like I do now. Right at the time when we are really having that Mimi/grandbaby bond get strong. I know my daughter sees that, but she also knows (as I do) that she needs to be with the person she is going to be happy with (and likely marry). I've known for almost a week and have cried every day. I am super extra emotional right now because I have one kiddo away at basic, one just deployed, and our youngest is being transferred to an out of state facility because there is no facility in this state equipped to handle his extremely high needs.
She is obviously going to tell me soon. I want to handle it with grace and love and support and not be a crying mess and somehow make her feel bad about the whole things. Advice? Thoughts? Us moving closer to her is not an option and her boyfriend cannot move here due to terms of his divorce decree - needs to be in the school district his kids go to since he has joint custody. My daughter can move up there because her ex-husband will be closer there than he is here and he barely sees the baby anyways.
Thanks for any help you ladies can give . . . I'm sure others have been through this :(
Thanks for all the support!!! I know I'm not the only one with grandbabies that are not close to home and I feel so lucky that I got these last 3+ years with her so close to me.
I also know that between my dad ending his journey with us soon, 2 kids off in the military (and 1 of them also getting married), this daughter moving away with the grandbaby, 1 kid moving out of state, 1 will be moving out of the house to a group home soon, my mom is going to move in with her twin sister when my dad passes, and 1 daughter whom I barely see already because she lives across the country, my life is just full of upheaval right now. Not in a bad way, just changing a lot, in a very short amount of time. Just a couple years ago, I had 5 kids and a grandbaby in my house (we have 6 kids total, but one lives across the country and has for a number of years). Very soon, it will just be my husband and I. We look forward to that time we will have together. When you raise kids for 30 years, spending time with your hubby is definitely going to be fun, but it is just so much to handle change-wise all at once.
Thanks again! I do feel better. I decided not to tell her I know, though - she has her own reasons for not telling me yet, and I don't want to push her. I need to remember that she may be having her own sadness she wants to deal with in her own way first.
"Honey, I'm so happy for you."
That's all.
Once she is settled in her new place, then the two of you can discuss scheduling regular Granny-baby playdates/sleepovers.
I don't have grandkids yet, but I can imagine how tough that would be. The only advice I have is that I think that you are allowed to cry a little in front of your daughter, as long as you aren't putting guilt on her. I'm sure she knows it will be hard for you to lose your close contact with your grandbaby.
One of mine is undergoing a big change that will have her probably moving overseas in a few months, for who knows how long. Recently she has lived nearby, and it's been nice. Now I will have to adjust to not seeing her for months at a time. I think we just have to accept that our children's lives are going to continue to evolve, and we just need to enjoy whatever we are lucky enough to get from them. Life isn't static.
Well, of all the things life could throw at you, this isn't a bad thing.
It's not death, destruction or financial ruin.
Grown kids need to spread their wings and fly.
Be happy for her as you can and try really hard not to feel sorry for yourself.
You'll have one less thing on your plate and have a chance to gather yourself together.
Being a little more free gives YOU opportunities to go visit the grand kids a few times per year.
Things will be different but they could be good different if you are open to it.
Don't look back on it as one door closing - looking back keeps you from seeing new doors opening in front of you.
Celebrate with her and when her family has moved, then sit back with some friends and a pitcher of margaritas and toast to their happiness and future.
It's good you found out early so you can get used to this idea. Life is always evolving. You stepped up at a really horrible time for her so I'm sure you are thrilled that she will have an intact family now. You don't mention how far away she'll be (or I didn't see it). This is a very healthy situation for them. If you keep reminding yourself of that, it should be easier. You guys can visit back and forth etc. Think of some special things you guys can maybe start together that you can continue over the miles. This news is new so give yourself some time to adjust. Hang in there Mimi!
My son just moved away, so I understand some of what you are going through. But I also think you are overwhelmed with all the changes in your life (deployed kids and probably your daughter’s divorce). You have so many roles you are playing: wife, mother, special needs advocate, grandmother, daughter, sister, working woman…) and you have had some challenging times with various family members.
I realize that logic doesn’t play a role in matters of the heart, so it doesn’t seem like the same burden was placed on your kids when you moved to your current home as is being placed on you now that your daughter is doing the reverse move. But you expected them all to roll with it, and I wonder if your daughter expects that from you now. It’s interesting to me that she told her sister, and I wonder if she was hoping (or even told) that sister to tell you so she didn’t have to. Do you think that’s possible? Do you think she wanted to get some of the emotion out of the way before she spoke to you herself? Aside from the fact that her fiancé can’t leave his home town, do you think it might seem to her that she’s doing you a favor, giving you one less family to worry about and devote time to?
I know you are sad, but you will have – at some point – 2 more grandchildren (the stepkids) to enrich your life, and hopefully you will be able to visit (and vice versa). My husband had 2 kids when we got married, and they were my parents’ first grandkids. It can be a blessing in many ways.
Somehow, you have to find strength in the fact that you raised so many self-sufficient kids who are able to go out on their own in so many ways, to have the strength to undertake special challenges (military life, divorce/cheating husband/new love/stepkids). Maybe all these kids see what you have managed to shoulder and what an incredible capacity you have to take on unending challenges. Be grateful for that, and realize that they all need you to keep doing that.
Perhaps the best thing is to look at how angry and hurt your daughter was when she came home from work to find her cheating ex, and see that she has everything now that you would want for her – a good relationship and stability. And most of us did not grow up with our grandparents in the same town, and we have great memories of wonderful visits and fun with our grandparents from a distance, all before the advent of Face Time and so on!
Hang in there.
I like Diane D's advice.
You don't want to put your stuff onto your daughter. She needs you to be supportive of her decision. It's ok to feel sad - and you can let her know, but let her know you can handle it. No one wants to feel like they're hurting someone by doing what's best for them.
I think what would help you is to find another interest that takes your mind off all your stresses in your life. I know your granddaughter has been such a joy and you will miss your time together. Find new ways to connect. I was very close to my grandmother and only saw her every few years. We used to write to each other.
Just think of the positives for your daughter and granddaughter. My mom has always said she's happiest when her kids are happy. It will be ok :)
I think its ok for you to cry and feel this way. Your grandchild is more like your own child because of how often you see her. I started babysitting for a family when the little boy was a month old. I took care of him 4 or 5 days a week for 5 years until I got married and got another job. I hated not seeing him. I was upset for a few months. I was there when he crawled, walked, and spoke for the first time. I felt like his 2nd mom.
You are afraid of losing that bond. You can Skype, send pictures, meet halfway. Its going to be a difficult transition for you but you can get through it but you can do it. Don't feel guilty for not jumping for joy. Take it 1 day at a time.
It could be a lot worse - your daughter could be moving out of state.
I made the decision at one point to take a job thousands of miles from my parents. I always appreciated that my mother didn't tell me she was sad. She put on a brave face for me. Once in a while she would and still does comment but I respect that she tries not to make me feel guilty or burden me bc that's what it would be. A burden. She is a fantastic mother and we've always had a very good relationship. But it was her job to raise me and let me go where it was best for my future. So I wouldn't even say much more than you'll miss them. Cry to your husband and other kids. Try to hide it from her.
I would simply suggest you be honest with her. She sounds like a strong woman (she learned from you, I'm sure). Trust that she will have an appropriate response to your feelings. It's ok (and honest) to tell her how much you will miss having her around, and especially her daughter, who is such a joy to you. BUT, you are also so very happy for her that she has found someone who treats her like you know she deserves. That you know she deserves to make this decision to move her family to the place that is best for them, and where they can thrive. That you are grateful for the time you've head, and will look forward to as many visits as you (all of you, you and her and her new family) can manage.
She knows you'll be sad. Don't deny that you are. But you are also happy for her. And she needs to hear you say that as well. It's a mixed blessing... as is much (if not all) of life. No need to feel guilt. You love them and want what is best for them, even if it means you will get to enjoy their company less frequently. It doesn't diminish your love.
It seems overwhelming, I'm sure, in particularly in light of your other children in the military life. I'm a mixed bag myself, with one just sworn in and planning for boot camp. I'm so very proud, and yet, worried and sad and I know I will miss him more than I could ever imagine. I'm trying to figure out how to keep from crying when he ships out (at least in front of him). Even focusing on what a strong, brave, mature, young man he's grown into, who's embarking on his new life, a life he is choosing, I will cry with joy and pride. Even though it will be mixed with tears of sadness to see him leave. You've got that, and one deployed, and this with your daughter/grand-daughter. You must surely be a basket of emotions. But, your daughter is a bright young woman who understands all of this. Right?
Give her a little credit here, and be open and honest. Tell her both--you are happy and sad. And you do not want her to feel guilty for living her life.
Hugs.
Cannot imagine how this hurts...hugs.
Just want to point out....this daughter has already left the nest once, right? How did you handle that transition? What was helpful to you? You are getting a second chance at preparing for her leaving the nest. Use the past experience to make it special, helpful and know you will be fine.
Which leaves me to conclude this is more about Grandbaby leaving nest. You have created such a good home for them, I'm sure it's hard for them to leave. Does Grandbaby know?
I think keeping your sad emotions at bay for Grandbaby will be best. She will likely take cues from you if this is 'leaving Mimi or starting a new adventure'.
What I might do, is make (or buy) a matching bracelet set for you and Grandbaby (and maybe 17year old) that signifies this time together. Then tell Grandbaby that whenever she thinks of you or misses you she can rub the bracelet and you will feel her in your heart (you can do the same).
She is so young that I try to make them from supplies at craft stores. This way if it gets lost no one is out significant $$$ or emotional stress, and it can be 'instantly found'...by making another, LOL :-)
I wish you were my mom. You sound like someone who deeply wants to do what's best for your child. As long as you continue to act from that place of love, I'm sure you will do no wrong. Diane has good advice.
I think others have given you great advice. I just want to add something that may enable you to view things from a different perspective.
Several years ago I had a conversation with my father prior to moving to another state. My dad's only comment at that time was that he would miss us but we had to put our family first. I had heard him tell people that same thing over the years -- 'You have to put your family first and do what's best for your family'-- and I never completely understood what he meant.
Two weeks ago, my mother passed away and I had another conversation with my dad. He told me that he knew that us children would be o.k. because we had strong families, and he mentioned the conversation we had several years ago. He told me that he always knew that the time would come that he and my mother would die. And he knew that when that time came it would be important that he had other people that we could lean on for support. If we had avoided moving, we always would have looked back and wondered what would have happened if we did. His simple blessing years ago ('You have to do what's best for your family') enabled us to live a life with no regrets.
