I'm beginning to get really stressed on possibly having to explain a death of his Mimi. She hasn't passed but this passed week was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, even though she has never smoked a day in her life. The doctor explained that the cancer she had 50% of people with will pass within 8 months of developing it. She started Chemo yesterday and the doctor had said depending on how her body responds to the Chemo will determine how long they will expect her to live. If she responds well we could be looking at a year or more. If not we could be looking at months. I myself haven't ever had to deal with the passing of a parent or grandparent, all still living, so I don't know how I am going to handle it or be able to help my son handle it. A few years ago, my son was 4 or 5 at the time, we had to put our dog down and I explained to him that she was sick and went to be with God. He seemed to understand what I was saying but now that he's older and would understand more of what it means. I took him to the hospital with me when she first went in and he understood that she was sick but not the severity of it. We are still hoping for the best. My father recently won a battle with a rare cancer and now is in remission. But I still feel like I need to prepare myself for the worst. As you can see I need suggestions. Sorry if I repeated anything or rambled. I forgot to mention that he is 8, 9 come Sept.
You can tell him that She will be playing with the dog in heaven. Try to explain that when people get older, sometimes their body gives out but their spirit lives on in heaven. It is hard for anyone one to deal with at any age, explain that it is ok to be sad that she is no longer with us in body, but ok to be happy that her spirit lives on and his doggie now has grandma to play with. I am sooo sorry.
I am so sorry to hear about Mimi.
I think that you should just open the lines of communication about her illness, explain that the doctors don't know if they can make her better but they are doing their best and all you and he can do is make sure she feels especially loved during this time of her life. I would tell him there is a chance she may die and that if he EVER wants to talk about it you (and gma, gpa, whoever else) will be there to answer any questions or just be a shoulder to cry on...maybe you will even cry with him, it's okay to cry and to feel sad when people are sick and/or die.
At 8 almost 9 he will be able to understand more , I think you should be honest but basic , tell him she is not well and that she will be have treatment , but it may not work , and that if it does not work then she will pass away , and explain a little about what that means. My grandad died when my son was 4 1/2 and he asked alot of Q's , so I just had to be honest and give as much detail as I could to a 4 yr old. He is now 7 and still remembers what I told him , and understand death to a certain degree.
Death is hard to explain to a child. There are books written just for children for different ages. I have custody of my sisters grandchlildren, in 2003 my only grandson at the time was killed in a car wreck. The three children I have custody of were very close to him. They played everyday together. The hospital where he was taken gave me a book for the children. I don't remember the name, sorry, a lot I don't want to remember. My oldest wore the book out and has it stored away in her special box. To this day the oldest (Tore') she has a journal she writes how she feels about him and how she misses him. We built a memorial garden where they have benches. They share their toys and read him stories there.Tore' and Treyce had planned to start to school and ride the bus and be best buds forever. She says he is on her shoulder doing things with her. We bury every spider, fish, animal that dies in our yard and have a ceremony. They understand it better that way. Good luck death of anyone is hard, it is part of life. I now have 2 grandsons, and 2 granddaughters. They know of Treyce but they don't understand it. Your son can write or draw to mimi and get all his questions out and have a release of emotions. I am sure the hospital she has to go to have books on the situation just to help children understand. Ask the nurses or doctors.
You have some great advice for your son, but I want to add that you need to prepare him for your sadness. It is okay for him to see you sad. Be sure to give him something to do. Tell him that when he sees you sad, you would really like a hug.
Giving him something to do for his Mimi is also a good idea. He can draw pictures, write a poem or letter, or make something, whatever he would like to do to help her feel better. Remind him of how nice it is to get something from someone when you aren't feeling well.
I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this.
First and foremost i am deeply sorry for what you're all going through. My 7yr old has been to three funerals, two grandparents and an uncle. He did well. More curious than anything. And it seemed to help telling him that they were in a special place and now protects us from above like and angel. Our special angels in the sky. In my opinion, If he is really close to his Mimi, have her talk to him as well. She should let him know thats its okay to be sad. Of course you, his dad, and grandpa will be a positive force for each other. But maybe it might not hit him as hard if Mimi explains some things to him. Maybe do something special on one of her good days to produce another lasting memory. Just hold on strong and if its is her last few months make em as special as you can :) Please let me know what happens. We just lost our grandma to bone cancer a year ago. If you need another mom to talk to im just a click away :)
Mom,
THere are some great childrens books out there on death and going to heaven. I think newcaster/author Maria Shriver has written some good ones that are beautifully illustrated and know there are plenty of others. I think a talk and some books would be the best way but I dont know that you need to get into tons of details, they dont need to know all of the specifics nor do children always understand them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Hugs to you
Hi M., sorry for such tragedy in your family. My father past away when
my oldest child was only 3 yrs old. He had cancer. I explained to her that my daddy's term on earth was coming to an end. God gives us permission to be on earth for years but also God was calling Grandpa to come home.
God's decision was very painful for everyone but we had to accept it with no complaint. I also explained that Grandpa was in pain everyday and it was no fun for him to continue being here on earth. My daughter is now 8 and she has good memories of Grandpa. Death is such part of life that we need to be honest and clear about this subject to our kids......it's our duty as parents.
Best of luck,
M.
An 8yo is completely capable of understanding the entire process. Let him visit his Mimi as much as possible. Explain to him what her illness is and what is going to happen to her over the course of the illness.
THere are several great books about explaining loss to children. Just google or go on Amazon.com.
My personal opinion is to not shelter him from this process. He will have lots of questions and this is a great learning opportunity for him.
Good Luck and God Bless.
M., I am so sorry for you and your family for what you are going through. I think everyone has given some great advice already, so I only have a small thing to add.
I noticed you mentioned you had told your son before about your dog being with God. I know that understanding death was easier for my kids when I told them that I believed the person is in heaven with God and we will get to see him/her again and all be together (I only recommend this if your son already understands that we all die eventually and it sounds like he is).
My father was in a terrible car accident when my daughter was 5. It left him paralyzed from the neck down & a hole slew of other problems. I was not comfortable at 1st telling my daughter all that happened. However, she knew something was wrong with me, so I told her. She would go to the hospital all the time. Even saw him with tubes up his nose, down his throat & a trak. It was scary for me but she handled it very well. Decided she wanted to be a doctor. He died 1.5 yrs after then wreck. My daughter was sad but since she had seen all he had to go through it was easier on her. She always tells me now he can run in heaven again & this comforts her.
So my advice is dont try to hide it from him, kids look at things alot different then we do. Let him go to the hospital and spend as much time with her that he can and be there if she should pass. We talk about my dad all the time, and she says he watches her in heaven.
We just went through this with our 8yo this summer. At the age of 8, they are capable of understanding what's happening. So explain gently, and give him time to ask questions. And, as another poster mentioned, make sure he is prepared to see you and others expressing sadness. I think that was more difficult for my son than his own sadness.
Be open and honest. You want to do your best to make your son feel safe while also being upfront and honest. Don't bog him down with a lot of details, but don't try to over protect him either. Let him be a part of the grieving process.
I would probably say something like this: Mimi is very sick. Sicker than you or I have ever been, and of course she is much older. We don't know what will happen, so we will just love her as much as we can right now.
As questions come up you can share your beliefs about God and the after life. I would advise you to allow your son to be open and express his thoughts without judgement. The two of you may grieve differently.
My thoughts, and prayers, go out to you M.. Loss of a loved one is part of life, yet so unimaginable.
