Double Vessel Cord, Stillborn, & After

There's a book you might appreciate, I think it's called "Trying Again." I've seen it at Cascade's Web site, which is www.cascade1.com. . . or maybe www.1cascade.com,I can't remember off the top of my head. But it was in their clearance section, and they have other excellent items in their library section, too. I also appreciated "Gone Too Soon," but that's about loss from a religious perspective and I don't know if that's for you.
I am sincerely sorry for your loss. I'll carry a little of your heartbreak for you. . . . You might want to talk with an experienced midwife. They typically only attend low-risk pregnancies so you may not be a candidate for midwife care while pregnant, but they are trained to look at pregnancy and birth as a transformative experience for the mother as a person, not just from a physical, medical perspective. A good midwife might be able to answer your questions and talk about how your experience relates to others, and maybe even get you in contact with mothers who have been through something similar.
Best wishes.

A friend of ours lost a baby around 36 weeks. She now has a lovely little girl who embodies the spirit of the son who died too soon. Check out the books: Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss by Ann Douglas, Pregnancy After a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death by Carol Cirulli Lanham or Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Revised Edition: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L. Davis. No one will ever replace your son, but maybe you'll get the chance to have a baby again, which I'm sure would be wonderful. If not, you are so blessed to have two sons. Just listen to your body and your heart (and your husband's heart) and do what feels right. Hang in there--you are not alone!

Dear Rachel,
I have not gone through what you have had to deal with, so my letter is not going to help you with that trial in your life.
I just felt so sad for you, I needed to write to you and tell you how sorry I am for your loss. If you are religious, maybe the best thing for you to do,would be to pray for the right answer to your questions. My mother lost a baby during her seventh month, and always planned to try again, but she was gifted with a group of women, and a hobby that brought her so much joy, she never got "around" to trying again. She had asked for an answer to if she should have another baby, and she was given her answer.
Until you get your answer given, please accept my deepest sympathy on your loss of your son, because I know nothing will ever make his loss okay.

You sound like an amazing and beautiful person! Your children are lucky! I think that your instincts know what is best and your heart will tell you what you should do. My friend had a stillborn about a year ago. She had a medical condition in which her uterus stopped growing and so they baby couldn't grow. She is now pregant and due in the Spring.
Don't let other people tell you when and if you should get pregnant. I believe that is between you and your husband, and your doctor. But I think it's wonderful to get other people's stories when they have been through something similar. You sound so strong! I hope you can find other mom's to relate with and to gain strength from. Not ones that tell you what they think you should and shouldn't do. Best wishes to you!

Rachel,

I am so sorry for your loss. I miscarried my first child, and had such a difficult time emotionally with that. I didn't fully grieve until during my second pregnancy, when all my fears and griefs came up again. I wish now that I would have dealt with my grief more fully before getting pregnant again, as I had such a hard time (emotionally) with the pregnancy and dealing with my grief. It is of course, a totally personal decision of when to try again, I just wanted to throw out my thoughts on the matter from my experience. I wish you the best when you do decide to try again, and again, am so sorry for your loss.

Rachel, I wanted to write and offer my condolences. You sound like a very strong person, and I wish you the all the best. I am sending lots of positive thoughts your way. I have not been through anything similar myself - my son was born healthy, and my pregnancy was very easy. However, my mother, my brother, and several of my friends have lost children either through miscarriage, stillbirth, or SIDS, so here is some advice I have gleaned through their experiences.
1. Join a support group. It often helps to talk to other moms who have been through a similar experience. Perhaps they can give you the advice you seek now. Many hospitals have support groups for mothers of stillborn children - call the maternity ward of your local hospital. There are also many support groups available online - look at ivillage and babycenter (MOMS club international also has online support groups. Talk to your board if you are a member. If not, I recommend it or something similar to any SAHM, you can find a local chapter at www.momsclub.org).

2. Seek counseling for your family, or at least for you and your children's father. My brother's daughter died from SIDS when she was 4 weeks; the loss was too much for them individually, and though they had two more children, it ultimately was the source of the rift between them, resulting in their divorce. It was also very traumatic for my neices - the oldest because she remembered her, and others because their mother remembered her and constantly talked about her. Children are very perceptive. For the strength of your marriage, and the mental health of your family, please seek counseling. Some insurance companies do cover mental health. If you can't afford it, there are many local agencies that offer counseling for free or minimal cost.

3. Allow yourself and your family time to grieve. Your body is not the only thing that needs to heal. The emotional wounds from this loss should be allowed to heal, too. Listen to your family. Is the father of your children ready to try again? Perhaps he is not willing to risk the loss, even if you are. This is a difficult time for all of you, make sure any decision you make is with a clear head, not one due to grief over your loss. By this I mean, I have seen many women have a child as soon as possible after the loss of a baby, having been told it will help them heal emotionally; it doesn't always work that way. In many cases, the woman begins to resent the new child/pregnancy as a challange to the deceased, compares the new baby to the one they lost, or becomes mired in depression due the difficulty of dealing with a newborn compounded with their grief.

4. Follow your heart. Many people will offer you advice. Some are well meaning, others do it to advocate their own agendas, but ultimately, you are the only person who can decide what is right for you. Would you be okay adopting a child? Would you be happy not having another child, and focusing your energies on the two you have (not always wondering what might have been)? Or is having another biological child the most important thing to you?

Also in the follow your heart category, you said that you knew something was wrong, he was in distress but they told you he was fine. I am not trying to say you did anything wrong, but I think women know their bodies and their children, and if you feel like something is wrong, it probably is - don't stop looking until you find somebody who takes you seriously and can give you answers, or an explanation to how they know nothing is wrong. Listen to yourself, trust in your own judgment. If you don't, who will?

***And on a side note: you wrote "Most of my time is spent being distracted from what I thought I needed to do, but can't remember what it was anymore." and somebody told you this is a sign of extreme stress. This is not necessarily true. There have been studies that show a woman's brian changes during and after pregnancy. What we call "mommy brain" (which is basically what you are describing, we've all been there sister) is very real, biologically speaking, and happens to the majority of women. Many women's brains will even change again when they stop nursing, or return to a professional job (SAHMs, no such luck, at least until the kids go to school), reducing mommy brain.

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby at birth, and four kids later, still sometimes miss what I don't have, although our life is joyful, active and full.

This is not an option that you mentioned, but I thought that I would throw it out there...what about adoption?

When we knew our first son's birth was imminent, (membranes ruptured and I went into pre-mature labor) I prayed that he would live. I didn't care what the problems were, I just wanted a baby to take home. Honestly, fourteen years later, I still remember that prayer and thank God for His infinite wisdom. I am not so sure how I would have done with a lifetime of caring for a child with major, physical problems.

When we didn't get pregnant right away we pursued adoption. I wanted a newborn, without known problems..ie. no drugs etc. Race was not a factor, so we said that we would take the first available baby. Being extremely motivated, we were all over the paper work, and from the time we first contacted the agency we went through, to when we were taking our son home from the hospital, it was a little under two months.

Our family now consists of four children, two biological and two adopted. If I could give women one experience in parenting it would be to give every adoptive mom the gift of birth and every birth mom the gift of adoption and they would then understand the love, excitement, passion and commitment you have to your children is exactly the same.

Rachel,

I have never lost my child, but I wanted to offer my condolences. That is such an awful thing to experience and I am so sorry you had to go through this. I agree with you that children are such a blessing and miracles. My sister lost my nephew at 17 weeks and she went on to have my beautiful niece to join the 3 great kids she already had. You seem to be a very strong woman. There is not a timeline for another baby, just what you feel in your heart. I pray that you will find comfort and have the joy of becoming a mother again.

V.

Hun, I haven't been there. I was pregnant twice and delivered two healthy children, thank God for that miracle. But I just want to tell you how much I admire you for having the courage to try again after this. God bless you and give you a successful pregnancy the next time.

I am so sorry about the loss of your baby. I don't really have any advice I can give you. But I do have to say that I would put it in God's hands (as to how many other children you have or when you have them). I'll be praying for you and your family!

Rachel,
I know how you feel. I gave birth to a stillborn. She would be 26 now. I grieved a long time and it has taken years to really feel that it was for the best. I had 5 children after her and all went well, but I did not have your health problems. I think part of the reason I had so many kids was to try to fill the void left by her death. Take time to grieve and heal. Talk to your husband and grieve together. Don't rush but I think the death of a baby puts life into a different light.
C. B

I just wanted to say that I admire how strong you are. I will say a prayer right now for you and your family and your little one who passed away. I hope someone on this site, has gone through something similar to offer you advice. What has your doctor said about the future risks of getting pregnant again? Take care of yourself.

Rachel,

I have no advice or words of wisdom. However, I wanted you to know that I am takeing a moment now to pray for you and your family. I pray peace and health will surround you, your family and your next pregnancy.

M.

Rachel,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My beautiful little girl, Paulina, was born at 40 weeks, uneventful pregnancy. We were about to take her home from the hospital when we found out she had some very severe congenital heart defects. She passed away 37 days later after numberous surgeries. She was our first child. We proceeded to have twin boys a little over a year later & then a little girl another 18 months after that. My children are beautiful, rambuctous and healthy. I am so glad we went ahead and tried again. The loss of Paulina was unbearable, but she is our 3 kids' little guardian angel and will always play a large role in our lives. I wish you all the best in the world.

God bless you, you are so brave and loving. With your good attitude, I would proceed with a future pregnancy.

If you were a person who has a lot of anxiety, or pessimism, I would suggest not proceeding. The baby would probably be fine in either situation, but the scared/negative attitude would put a lot of stress on the family.

Hi Rachel,

WOW, you have been through and Im sure continue to go through some very hard times. Its hard to lose a child. I have had 6 pregnancies and 4 sons, we lost 2. I miscarried my first pregnancy and my 5th pregnancy. But I knew that I wasn't done having kids yet so I did try again. Time was not much of a factor, I just told myself that if and when I felt ready to have another baby, I would try to get pregnant. After my last pregnancy and having to be on bed rest from 20 weeks on, I decided that I would rather be here for the children that I have than risk my health on trying to have more. I have pre-eclampsia that gets worse with every pregnancy. It was affecting my liver and my whole body really, so that is something to really think hard about before you try to get pregnant again. Talk to your doctor and ask what the risks are and if you should proceed with another pregnancy. Ask your husband also, he needs you to be healthy for him and your children and if that means not having more biological babies, then so-be-it. There is always adoption. If you get the doctors ok, then I would try again, but really think about it and give you body and soul time to heal. My condolences.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

"Most of my time is spent being distracted from what I thought I needed to do, but can't remember what it was anymore."
You said a lot here. This is extreme stress, you need to back off and give yourself time to enjoy what you have. Take time to grieve and to rediscover your joy. You have two healthy children be thankful for them and give all of you a break. I guarantee this has been and continues to be tough on them.
You said children are priceless, why not skip the high stress pregnancies and give more to the two you have? Then find some creative outlets to further develop your self?

Hi Rachel,
As far as more pregnancy's maybe you should put that on the back burner for a while to deal with the death of this child. I have a friend who had a stilborn daughter and joined a support group for other mom's in the same situation. This was years ago but she is still involved with the group and this event really changed her life. ( And now she is pregnant with her 4th!). You sound a little in shock and sad( which is totally understandable). So maybe your OB can give you a reference for a group, you need to heal emotionally and physically. Bless your heart, good luck.