I have a friend who has been there for me for my ups and downs. She is there without even me asking for help. I always feel like I owe her big time. So I always want to be there for her when I think she needs it. But, she does not let me. She disappears at times. She shuts me down most of the time when she knows I am trying to help. I tried many times but she ignores me. However, every now and then, she reminds me that she has been always there for me. Sometimes, I too want not to have her help me or get involved in my situation because it is becoming too much. I am always feeling that I owe her but cannot even pay her. I know I should not feel that way but that is how I feel. Does anyone else feel like you owe it to somebody all the time but cannot ever pay it back?
Sounds like she likes it this way. If you don't then it needs to change.
And some people just have an easier time giving help than receiving help.
I tend to be a person that soldiers on in the midst of problems. Some people just don't like asking for help or maybe there's really nothing you can do to help with her type of issues.
I am always "there" for my friends... but when I am having issues I turn into an introvert. I am not the type who can lean on others or express my emotions very well. True friendship doesn't run on checks and balances, she probably doesn't expect to be "paid back" for being a friend. and it's probably enough for her just to know you are there if she wants to talk about it...even if she most likely won't.
I feel like it is never "tit for tat", you help me I help you. It's more- Mommy A helps me when I need it, then I find opportunity to help Mommy C when she needs it. Later it's Mommy D who helps me and I help Mommy E and I'm too busy to stress over it I just hope it comes around, goes around and winds up fair.
I can relate to your friend, to a point.I always want those I care about to know that i will help if they need it. Because I want to, not because I feel obligated. But when things are going on in my life I'd usually rather deal on my own. Depending on the situation. I dont like being the center of attention, or feel like people "have to help me" . If I need it or want it, I'll ask. But at the same time I try to realize that they are trying to help. But I will usually let it be known (nicely) that i'm okay, and again if I need them I will tell them. So she shouldn't be "reminding" you of all she's done. Unless she's specifically told you or asked for help and then you shrug it off. Friendships are hard, just like a marriage to maintain over the years!
She sounds like she suffers from depression.
When she is up she is way up, when she is down she is way down.
I get that way. I have a few friends I can say, I am really having a hard time right now. It has taken me until about 2 years ago to do this. It is embarrassing and frustrating for me, so I know it is even worse for them.
At some point when she is way up.. speak with her and tell her how much she means to you. tell her you wish you could help her as much as she has helped you. Let her know you feel like she may not understand exactly HOW MUCH you really do want to help at any time.
I have a friend that told me she loved me very much and really appreciated everything I do for her. She gave me very specific examples of things I had done. She then said, "I want the honor of doing some of that to you. I feel like sometimes you disappear and I get worried that you are mad at me or do not want me around>"
This helped me open up to her about how sometimes, I just shut down. That I get depressed and overwhelmed and just trying to get through the day takes every bit of the little energy I have during that time.
So depending on how close you are to your friend, do tell her sometimes, you miss her or feel like you do not get a chance to help her. But that you are always there for her and appreciate her.
With people that I owe - I thank. I make them a cake and thank you card and call it even. With people I want to help but wont let me help - I help anyway. If they are going through something stressful - I might make a basket of calming teas, flowers, a good book that is relevant to the situation, bubble bath, with a card offering my prayers and help. Or I disguise my help - "Hey I really need your kids to come help me with a special project this weekend, can I borrow them for a few hours" I sometimes hear - you just seem to know exactly what I need, or I don't know how you always show up at the right time. It's a gift. :)
I would explain this to your friend when she's in a good space. I would simply say, "I'd love to be there for you when you are going through a rough time as you are always there for me. I want you to know I love and support you but what is it you need from me. I feel like you push me away and its like me giving you a gift you don't want which in return hurts my feelings. Let me know whats best for you so I can know what type of giving you need." She may be the type of person who deals with things on her own and just by being there when she comes out of her cave may be exactly what she needs. Just because she is different and her needs may be different try not to think you are not doing anything for her. I think just by calling and letting her know you are there is enough to her? I could be wrong but you need to ask her. we all see love differently so maybe she wants it different than you do. Try not to take it personal unless she tells you otherwise. Maybe she worries you'll judge her? Maybe she has her own fears? It's ok to even give her a card and say, "When you need an ear, a shoulder, a good cry partner or a laugh I am always here for you"
Maybe she thrives on helping you, like you guys are in this rut of co-dependancy.
Perhaps, helping you is an escape for her from difficult areas in her life.
Not sure why she feels the need to remind you of her helping you. Maybe she is either using it as leverage, and just has a difficult time accepting help from others, or she brings it up to remind herself of good things she has done.
It just all depends if she is being genuine or not. Maybe it's just as simple as her being a great friend, that doesn't want to talk about her areas of need or she doesn't want to burden you with them.
And if you feel guilty about how much you need her, then don't involve her in certain areas of your life.
Can you just talk to her about it?
Everyone... has different abilities to 'help' and different thresholds of ability and patience and stamina for 'helping.' So you do not have to be, comparable to her.
But if she is hanging over your head, that "she" is always helping you... then speak to her about it.
Tell her how you feel.... but in a neutral way.
Some people help others, and treat it like you "owe" them later. But others help people just because and do NOT expect anything back in return.
It is hard for me to accept help. That being said, I try to realize it isn't just about me. And maybe helping is their way of achieving grace. And even if it something that I can't pay back, I like to think I can pass it on one day by helping someone else.
I'm not sure why your friend would bring up that fact that she has always been there for you. Is she saying it to hold over your head, to feel superior, or is she only being defensive? (maybe after you confront her on her disappearing act).
I have a friend who kinda disappears when she is having a hard time; when she is depressed she withdraws and doesn't even like talking on the phone. I know it isn't just me, she pretty much withdraws from everyone. I miss her when she withdraws but I try to accept that is just the way she is. She has a lot of positive things to offer when she is around.
