Step Son Issues

I have an 18 month old so I can't really relate personally. But I am a martial arts instructor for 10 years who's worked with many kids and I've seen martial arts really change things around for kids who have problems. Something about the focus, discipline, the emphasis on respect really has an effect on them. The key is also to find a good school, with a master who really cares and understands teens. He might not want to but tell him to try it for month and take it from there.
Good luck!
B.

I don't really have much advice for you except that I also am a stepmother that is really involved with my step kids and I love them a lot. It is a hard job to have.

H.

Has anyone thought about having him screened for depression or other mental health issues? How is he when he is with you? It may be more than just adolescent rebellion; I would speak with the child's pediatrician first and go from there.

I have a bit of advice, from a child counselor point of view...I would not necessarily spend time and effort and money over the custody battle, due to his age, at 14, he is likely to rebel even worse after having been dragged through that whole deal regardless of the outcome. Rather, I would deal with him in the most positive, encouraging way possible while you have him with you. Laying down the law, setting rules and consequences over the hygeine might not be the way to go either, it could hurt his self esteem. Careful not to present your case in such a way that it sounds like more of an attack or judgement on the way his mother does things (ex. "I dont care what your mother lets you get away with over there but here..." ) A straightforward and honest approach might work best. Let him know (in a lighthearted way) that he might not care how he looks or smells, and he might not even be able to tell that he smells, but let him know, kids at school, especially girls, can tell and they do care! And at the same time let him know about all his positive qualities specifically, that he has to offer (his eyes, his smile, personality, talents) Building his self esteem is the most important thing to get kids to care about themselves. Treat him more like an adult than you would a child, because this boy has a lot of choices to make on his own. And let him know that is your decision to do so. Let him know he is old enough to make some decisions on his own and that you are giving him this opportunity. Just as an example, when kids are abused at home some grow up to become abusers and some don't. What is the difference? Having some other positive outside influence that accepts him for who he is is what often makes the difference. So remember that no matter what goes on at his mother's house, as long as he is accepted, and is shown a better way by example and encouraged but not forced, then he will learn to make better choices for himself.

Hi, L. S, and God bless you!...I read your situation regarding your step son...From the details you gave about him, is it possible that he might be dealing with some type of depression?....I ask cause I myself am a social worker and know that some of the behaviors you expressed about him can be a result from some type of depression....There are services you can inquire about which can help your step son in the areas he needs assistance in....Please let me know in any way I can help...I will be keeping you and your family in prayer...God bless you...R.

Wow, this has so many responses...

Please take the time to read this to the end...

Sometimes when a teenager lets themselves go, it is a rebellion against those they really want to be like. Because they feel they will never make it on that social level, so they rebel against it instead of risking failure. Perfection is such an unobtainable goal.
Instead of accepting himself as an individual, he sees his differences as a flaw. People around him put forth such a perfect social image that he doesnt see their flaws...there is no such thing as a perfect person, but he feels imperfect so he builds a more imperfect image to show his disregard for social acceptance....
So, maybe it's all rebellion.
Here is some silly things to think about...
Does he show any resentment for the 7 yr old...perhaps feeling like he was given a better hand in life?
Does he have a lot of friends who are like him just part of a rebellious group or is he a bit alone?
Does he consider himself to be dumb compared to others?
Pay attention to him and learn from him by observation, because he will not tell you whats going on in his head.
Sometimes they stop caring for their appearance and status because they feel it is hopeless to strive for it because will never be recognized. One day he may be like a switch went on and suddenly find who he wants to be and will accept himself, cherish his differences and be confident in himself because of his individuality instead of withdrawing from the world.

He may be rebelling against those with stable households and structured lives. Although a custody battle may help him by putting him where he may prosper, it may also crumble his life by adding more instability. And, the worst part.... You are pointing out that he is not perfect to you. Don't try to change him. But, you can simply educate him on responses to his behavior and image. Let him know whatever he chooses is his own thing and as family you will always accept him....but he will be subject to stereotyping by outsiders (which he may not care about).
Ok, fo instance, when you go to a mall, if you look like a social deviant, you are treated like a deviant. Guards follow you, and sales people do not want to help you. When you need help in life, it is easier to get help when you appear harmless. But when you look scary, people will lock their car doors and speed away. I took my daughter to the mall wearing hospital scrubs....LOL... I was wearing flip flops and scrubs...the whole outfit was worth under $25....but I was treated like a working class citizen. Now if I wore a $25 dollar outfit from the goodwill and looked dirty and unkept I would've been treated differently. A $25 outfit new and clean from walmart, would be treated differently yet. Educate him, but do not judge or try to change him. If he chooses to have a grunge appearance despite knowing the consequence, who are you to judge him? He may not care that he won't be invited to be a member of the social elite; he may have better things deep down to focus on. But, he needs to understand that someone out in the world is seeing him as a deviant and a rebel....and he may have to sit in front of them in a job interview one day. He needs to earn respect from the world.

There are other responses to your request I read about screening for depression in youth. Depression is very real in todays youth. But it doesn't always need to be medicinally treated. Depression from chemical imbalance occuring for no reason, should be treated. Depression caused by emotional stress....should be dealt with emotionally, not chemically. Fix the emotional stress and they can balance the chemistry on ther own. Masking it with antidepressants does not help them to find a cure for their unhappiness. Nobody can make somebody be happy. Do not rush for medicine as an answer!! Besides, by giving him meds, you may be stunting his growth in other ways that perhaps you are not seeing yet....stunting his individuality and/or artistic growth.

I am respected in life as being a voice of reason and full of answers. Most people admit I am the most intelligent person they know. But as a youth, I was a substandard student, unpopular, withdrawn and rebellious. But I was very artistic and had better things to focus on....socialization came later in life. Albert Einstien was a terrible student, but his mind was developing in ways far more important that being socially acceptable. When a toddler walks early, it does not indicate that it will be an athlete....when they talk late, it doesn't mean they ae dumb. He is still developing as an adolescent....let him go at his pace....but keep providing good examples.

The best thing you can do, is care. If you are too forceful in trying to change him, you may make him feel inferior or substandard. Love unconditionally....Even if you don't think he is responding, you are still teaching him what a responsible adult / parent should be like. You don't know what his home life is like, but you can show an example of a healthy happy home by accepting him for who he is. He is family and you will always love him whether he has good grades or bad grades....is popular or not...and whether or not he has a socially acceptable image. All you can hope for is that he views your household as a goal. The way he wants to be as an adult. But, it is up to him to decide when to find that path and when to work for it.

But most importantly...you are teaching him - that to truly love someone, is to love an imperfect person.

Just keep at it, doing the right thing. You won't get any kudos for a while, but eventually he'll
probably see the light (years from Now). NEVER bad mouth his mother to him - he'll only have to defend her, and much as you would like to take her place you cannot. He only has one mother in this world, and that's what he got...And don't let his father say bad things about his mother, either! Been there on all sides! Signed: Oma

I think that some sort of counseling would be great. Remember that his mom loves him too, and might be feeling the exact same as you - so don't blame her, especially in front of him. Some of what he is doing may be normal for his age, but with the grades and split family situation, it would probably be beneficial for him/you all to see someone that can help on a professional level. Good luck!

I feel your pain. I do not have kids this age but I had half siblings who were much younger than me (19 years difference). All I can tell you is that this is quite normal for 14 years of age. It is that ackward "ugly" stage. They have not yet learned proper hygiene and their hormones are raging. I would just continue what you are doing, which is making him shower and use deodorant every time he comes to your house and hopefully by age 15 when he becomes a little more interested in the girls he will want to continue to "smell good". As for his grades, I would try and get him a tutor and just continue discussions with his teachers to try and get him on track. Don't start an all out custody battle because it is a losing proposition and your step son is the one who will ultimately suffer and it will possibly exasperate the problem. Good luck!!

L.

I've been the step mother road. I'm so glad you care about your stepson. Besides all the divorce issues and just being 14 is reason enough for being obnoxious. But I'd be worried. He sounds seriously depressed. Poor hygeine is a more dangerous sign than the grades. He's even isolating from his peers. I would take him for professional help immediately. I know he won't like it and it'll cost money but you must make sure you tried to help. Then you pray it's not serious and he out grows it. Good luck!!!! P.

If you care so much for him does it really how much it costs to get him in a home where he will be more loved? My neighbor just got custody of her step daughter because she was 2 grades behind in school. It really sounds like your step son needs to be with you and his dad, and it sounds like you know that too.

I believe that if this problem isn't nipped in the bud, he will probably go down the wrong path in life, and yes you may say that this is just a phase but it may lead to and even bigger issue. I advise you to take charge because I can see by your story that the mother of your step son doesn't want to slove or doesn't care or realize the problem that is in front of her. It is your duty as a responsible parent and caring mother to ask him what is going on in his mind or what is going on at home(with his actual mother) beacuse there might be something fishy going on there. maybe he feels that because his mother doesn't care than he shouldn't care about the way he presents himself.

14 is a funny age. Have you met his friends? Do they dress/look (smell) the same way? I have 3 nephews that are now 25, 23 & 21. They are wonderful, amazing young men. But, my sister-in-law and I laugh over the fact that when they were teenagers, they lived in the same shirt/clothes for days on end -- even sleeping in them. She warned me when my son went away to sleep-away camp for the first time to bring a garbage bag with me when we picked him up from camp to throw away the clothes/shoes he probably wore every day. Sure enough, in most pictures from the camp, my son, and his friends, had the same shirt on every day. My son just turned 13 and he takes a shower every morning, but by the end of the day, after sports, and sometimes just hanging around, he's a bit pungent and dirty looking -- all of his friends are this way too -- it's the age and the hormones. The boys seem to like their hair long too, which doesn't help! If your step-son looks and acts like his friends, and you should know his friends and have them over to your house, then he's probably okay. If he's sad, a loner, doesn't have friends, seems angry, etc., then you should have him talk to someone - the school psychologist is an excellent place to start. Hopefully he's involved in sports & friend activities when he comes to your house too. Participating in sports (swimming is excellent and they have to shower before/after practice :)is a great way to see your son interact with his peers and have the chance to talk to other parents of children the same age and know if your son does indeed have issues or if he's just being a normal teenager.

Hi L.,

This must be a tough and frustrating situation if your husband isn't the custodial parent and he is limited in the action that he can take. Do you know whether your stepson is happy at his mothers? Would he like to spend more time at your place?

It sounds like his mom doesn't expect much of him, and kids do often give us what we expect. Is it possible for him to spend more time with you during the week rather than weekends, so that you and your husband can monitor his schoolwork more closely?

Lack of attention to hygiene is common at this age, typically there gets to be a point where interest in the opposite sex kicks in and the hygiene improves.

Good luck!

L.,
At 14 most boys have already gone through the bad hygiene thing. This child must be going through a real hard time, and probably feels very lonely and misunderstood. There are a few things going on with this child and it's not only hygiene. He is also having trouble in school. You also state that his mother doesn't want to discuss these things.
One thing that will really work with a boy his age is becoming his friend and earning his respect that way. At his age he will rebel against anyone that is trying to TELL him what to do, teachers, parents,etc... If you become his friend then you will have a way to help. Offer him a new wardrobe if he promises to bathe and use deodorant. Explain to him what girls like. I'm sure he doesn't have a girlfriend. Does he like coming over to your house? Could there be something else going on at his moms? Was he always like this? Because if he wsn't like this then something is really wrong and this child needs help. I would suggest enrolling him in Karate or Judo where hygiene is strongly enforced. It may also be an outlet for him. If you become a friend to this boy instead of trying to be his stepmom you will have a better and stronger relationship. He may want to come and live with you guys only because he will feel so much better.
S.

i wish i had some advice,we went through something quite the same.my step son is now 11,he was messing his pants up until he was 10,she let's him play video games 24-7 and he is on like a 3rd grade reading level.he is 5th grade,supposed to be in 6th and they weren't even going to pass him into 5th.the funny thing is his mom works in a school system with troubled kid's......but thats something new,she was on welfare for yrs,she has 4 kids with 3 different men,and has been evicted from 7 places in 4 yrs.we tried going to court to get custody,of course she got a free lawyer,we paid thousands,still owe,and she purposely kept not showing or because she at the time didn't have a vehicle at the age of 38.so we just eneded it due to funds.it was a never ending battle.not to mention the brain washing she used on him,god forbid she lost one of her child support checks coming in.i mean,she shares a house with a male "roomate" and works fulltime and collects child suppt from 3 diff dads with no house payments or anything unlike us whom have 5 children,mortgage,bills,food,etc....well i wish you all the luck and i know it's hard but if you don't keep plugging that boy will just be a lost soul,he is old enough in the court system to voice who he wants to live with,he can have a law guardian and usually they don't charge to see the law guardian,they usally just have you bring in the child when u have him on a visitation or they come to your house and speak with child and go from there.

This is hard specially the "teen years" they are not easy, however I think therapy will help. At least he can express with someone else his frustrations and anxiety. Kids at this age do not relate to parents. It is difficult but a lot of love will come a long way. I feel he needs a lot of love. His relationship with his mom may not be that great either. I feel therapy will help a lot. Patience is a virtue and you need a lot of that. Good luck.

Hi loving mother S,Wow this sounds so familiar...I too have a step-son that is now 16...I've been with him since he was 9 and 1/2 and have had the same hygiene problem....Right up until this past Sept...I tried everything and then it hit me.....He loves computer games and PS2 so I laid down the law....He is not to use anything until he has showered....So first thing when he gets up he is required to shower and brush his teeth before he can play computer games or the PS2 or even watch tv....And it worked....Finally....He lives in AZ now so we don't see him every other weekend any more...I hope this helps....Sincerely D.

The only thing I can suggext to you is, while you have your step son keep doing what your doing. One day he will know who did what for him. It may not be now, or tomorrow ,it could be 10 years from now. But keep an open line of communication with him, and maybe act more as an equal then a mother. I soon to will have a step daughter. And she said to her dad "well at least we arent going to need the Super Nanny When A. moves in" Its hard when you dont have the support of the ex. Your fighting 2 battles. But just stay focused on the one and like I said one day he will respect what you have done or tried to do.

Hi. Don't mean to sound like Dr Phil, but your stepson's behavior/grades/hygiene is most likely his way of dealing with the divorce/separation of his parents - well, that's kind of obvious, isn't? But it is obvious that until he begins to resolve this issue in his head and in his heart, his grades and behavior will not improve. It is a cry for attention. Is he at least seeing a social worker or a school counselor at school? I do not know what the situation is at his mother's house, but the hygiene issue could be seen as child neglect. Has anyone looked into this? Is he eating properly at his mother's house? It's absolutely essential that you keep providing your stepson with support and a place he can come to if he's in need. It seems you've been doing a wonderful job at it.

I understand EXACTLY what you are going through. However, we did go to court to fight for custody and yes, it did cost a lot of money. We had to refinance our home. But, I think it was all worth it because my stepson (now going on 17) is happier than ever....has a social life and the love and attention he deserves. We are there each night to help him with his homework or even just to ride his butt about doing well. He is doing great. You have to think past the hygene and the grades and wonder what else isn't getting attention given to....like his self esteem. He is 14 and he can virtually make his own choices by this point. You may not need a custody battle, ask him what he wants to do and have a talk with him. If he wants to move, get him a counselor and start documenting things. This is really important, write every little thing down. Then you can talk to someone about him moving to your home. Maybe arrange a meeting w/ his mom and his counselor to help tell him. Getting him a counselor isn't a bad thing for him ....it just gives an alliance on your side that is not partial. Good luck!! I do not agree that it is necessarily a depression or drugs involved, could be, but wouldn't jump right to that conclusion. My stepson was depressed, because of the lack of attention in his life. Oh, and boys at this age need to be reminded to shower, but the parent has to care enough to remind them.

You can lead him to the water, but you can't make him drink. Also, as a step-mom, remember, you are not in control. You can only be a good example and a friend to him. His mother is his mother, and his father is his father. Just keep showing him that you care about him, be there for him to talk to, and never bad mouth either parent. I am also a stepmother and know how frustrating it can be. Just be as good of a friend as you can be. And raise him up to the Lord. Pray for him, pray for his Mom, and just keep praying. He will come around. He may be doing it for attention! - Children of divorced parents act out in wierd ways - this could be his way...Hold tight and remember to pray! & deep breathing helps too! Good Luck, A fellow stepmom

Can you get him into therapy? It sounds as if you are doing what is best for him, but it is a very confusing age. Add to that the fact that he goes between homes...it sounds as if his mother's home may not be as stable as yours and he is really having a hard time dealing with the differences. Maybe family therapy with you and his dad? This could be the first step to gaining custody.

First of all, YOU should not be discussing this with his mother--as the stepmother it will only add further conflict to the situation. That is his father's job. In the words of my favorite radio psychologist, Dr. Joy Browne, as a stepparent your role is to be a good host and a good friend, not a disciplinarian or parent. Try to be a friend to him instead of a parent. Try being inquisitive and asking him what's going on at school, asking him about friends, what his interests are, what he likes to do and try to nurture those things that will get him to trust you and develop his own sense of self worth. By telling him what he should do you will probably just get more of the same--bad attitude and rebellion. That was always my reaction as a teenager when someone tried to tell me how to live my life! Good luck!

My step son (we're not married, but have been together for 8 years) is 13 years old. He is obscenely fat, and also had extremely poor hygiene and grades. I was able to start with him while he was young. He is taking medication for ADHD, and had a bad temper. I worked with him every time he was at my home with "in this house, we wash when we get up in the morning". If I left before everyone was up in the morning, when I came home, I would make him take a shower, brush his teeth, and check his ears. Consistency has fixed most of the hygiene problems. The hair and his weight are the current issues we are trying to get a grip on right now. I don't think talking with the mother will help, because your step son wouldn't have reached the age of 14 if she cared. You have to just lay down rules in your home and every chance you get explain to him that girls don't want to be around a person who does not smell fresh. He must also be getting teased in school, try to talk to him alone about his school and what is going on. We also decided against fighting for custody. Just do whatever you can to make sure your step son learns good values and gets a good education.
By the way, for the grades I tutored my step son every time he was with us until he started getting passing grades. I told him for every A he received I would give him a reward of his choosing. He is passing now. Most of the time the reward was extra time playing video games, or his favorite food. Good luck!

First off stop calling this boy your step son, he is your SON. You took him on when you married his father. If your so respected and have good jobs why are you worried about the cost of a lawyer? This boy is 14, in most states that gives him the right to choose which parent he lives with. If you care about this boy stop worring about what it's going to cost you and go get him. Make him a loved member of your household, teach him the respect and pride he needs in himself to get through life.

Welcome to my exact situation . Know that you have done all that you can and just try to keep soliciting good advise . Unfortunately his mother and what happens there will prevail over all that you do .We have spent the thousands of $$$ and are still in the same boat , he is old enough to now make his own decsions It is so difficult but you really have to choose your battles , as it will effect your home life . Best of Luck - You are only one person and can only DO so much .Remember that ..... I H. I have helped....

I kind of hate to say this but you might have to get Children and Youth involved. They can place him with you and your husband if they feel that that is where the child needs to be. YOu and your husband would be better off with your stepson in your custody. that might be what he needs. his grades could be a sign that he misses his father and wants to be with him. In many states the age for deciion is usually 12 so your stepson is old enough to decide where he wants to live. have your husband ask him if that is what he wants before you get children and youth involved though.

Fourteen is an age where children (especially boys in my opinion) are going through a lot. My son went through the poor hygiene thing a little earlier than 14, but he went through it. Then he discovered girls and that was the end of that. As the mother of a child who has a horrible attitude and poor grades, I can tell you that when you are dealing with the child on a regular basis, seeing how they don't apply themselves to schoolwork, listening to their back talking and bad attitude, it becomes like the "boy who cried wolf", and the child has made it difficult for you to believe them over the teacher because of the child's past behavior. While it would be nice for all of us to believe that our children are angels who can do no wrong, you are a better parent to see the imperfections in your child and try to work with them.

I don't know what state you are in, however, in most states (including NJ where I am and FL where I used to live), there is no free legal assistance for custody disputes unless Children Services are involved, so I don't know where you got the impression that she would receive a "free" lawyer. Is it that the mother does not want to discuss the issues with you and your husband, or she doesn't want to discuss them with YOU. You could be a perfectly lovely woman, but you are not this child's mother, and you participating in these issues with your husband is likely only going to make matters worse regardless of the reason they divorced. Think of how you would feel if the wife/girlfriend of your son's father began trying to tell you how to raise your son. I doubt it would go over well. Encourage your husband to communicate with his son's mother in a non threatening, amicable way.

Your stepson sounds like he is exhibiting Sx of depression not uncommon in this age group or possibly drug induced depression you probably should seek out the guidance counselor or some other professional for assitance before he withdraws more Your husband even if he is not the custodial parent can still have him evaluated and treated if he needs to be treated.

I myself have a similar situation. I have two stepsons at home the oldest being 9. The 9yr old has suffered the most as he is old enough to really see what is going on. His parents have been apart for about four years now and he is still not coping with it well although better than he was. The first year of their seperation custody was awarded to dad because of a dangerous situation the mother had involved the kids in. After this happened she had dragged us in and out of court for two years or so with multiple CPS reports etc trying to regain custody as she too is a "free lawyer type". It is not a fun battle and adds extra strain on the kids with the constant changes in circumstance. They come home from moms in the same clothes they left in only usually lacking socks, underwear, good behavior and a bath. My advice is to make sure he has a good environment at his mothers, if not, maybe he should come live with you! That is why "weekend visits" exist. A relationship with mom is necessary but not necessary as a live-in relationship. Realize that he needs a strong STABLE environment where he is comfortable and can see what the "norm" is on how to live and keep clean. Counseling is a must I think. It gives him a relationship with someone outside the situation. The counselor pointed out the problem was mainly feeling as though he was "betraying his mother" when he doesn't do and say as she does (which by the way is not very healthy at all thus her never-ending loses in court) The advice that he gave us was to stay strong on the rules in our home as rules are different everywhere you go. I wish I could say it will get easier but it probably never will. The only thing you can do is stay strong for him and remember, he loves his mom very much, even though she may not be the best influence possible. Mom also may have some guilt of her own from the divorce and is trying to overcompensate for it and allowing things to slide at home. Remember, be firm with the rules even though "mom doesn't make me do that." Good Luck to you!

Hi, I feel for what you are going through. My question is this, what is his home life with his mother like? Does she talk bad about you and his father to him or in front of him? He loves his father and if he has expressed love for you, his mother may be making him feel guilty about his feelings and how he may like going to your home. I would try talking to his mom and let her know that you all need to come together for your sons sake. He is your son also. You married his father. He may feel torn between you and his mom and this could be his way of driving you away from him. Let him know you love him and want him to be apart of your family. You might want to talk to his mother about talking to a professional and possibly mom dad and you going with him and all talking. With any luck if he sees all of you getting along he might feel more at ease with this whole thing.
I would like to also bring up a bad subject. I have a 15yr. old son and found out recently that he has tried pot. We talked long and hard about this. I know something was up when his attitude and his whole outlook changed. This might be something to look into. They sell home drug tests in any drug store. I hope that is not the case here but I thought I would mention it.
I hope things get better for all of you.

Mom of three teens.

you didn't really ask a question so I can only guess you want someone else's opinion. well I guess you need to ask yourself and your husband if your stepson is worth a couple of thousands of dollars, from what you've said he seems to be a child in pain who needs help. I guess my not so gentle opinion is... what you've tried hasn't worked so you need to decide if you are truly willing to go that extra mile. Get a lawyer, get a therapist and get over what the ex does or doesn't do. The right road is hardly ever the easy one. Good luck!

L....you need to do what you would do if he were your son, no matter what the cost. Fighting for custody will be expensive, but not nearly as expensive as the life that is being ruined and the damage you and your husband will be cleaning up for the rest of your lives.
I believe that no matter what you and your husband have a responsibility to your stepson. No matter what. If you want the best for him..prove it. Get him into counseling, get a law guardian involved, call CPS..do whatever it takes. Get him involved with a 'big brother' or a youth church organization. Peer pressure can work to your advantage.
My husband and I spent a HUGH amount of time, money and energy fighting for his 2 girls and I will never regret it. How can anyone just throw away any child. Fight, fight hard and save that poor kid. he doesn't deserve it and he didn't ask to be born into his problems. It's your job to free him.

It sounds like he is really depressed. It's great to hear how much you care about him. Would he consider going to talk to someone? You can make that suggestion. If he refuses, I would just keep trying to build his self-esteem. Show him how much you care by talking to him and giving him positive feedback. Teenage years are so difficult. I feel for him.

Bless your heart for caring so much about him. I agree just keep letting him know how much you care. Hopefully, he'll get it. Most kids only see one way to live, he's lucky to have good positive role models. Keep up the good work. Keep talking to him, even if it seems he's not listening.

Is there another family member he likes or might listen to? Is there a teacher he has said he likes? If so, perhaps they could help you help him. His school should also have a guidance ounselor who could reach out to him as well as to his mother to point out to her the problems with his hygiene and how that can affect his time at school. There is a wonderful DVD program available by James Lehrman called the Total Transformation Program that I have used. It's worth every penny for the simple, practical advice he gives. Some of it won't apply to you, but he has an extensive section on children who have divorced parents. The Program also has a call-in line that is quite helpful. Your stepson is lucky to have you.

Have you and your husband spoken with your step son? Have you told him how much you want him to succeed in life? Have you explained because you care so much that you really want him to succeed in whatever the future brings. Have you asked him what he wants? He is 14 now. He is at the age when he should start making some of his own decisions. Make the conversation about him and his wants and needs, nothing negative about his mom or how he dresses,etc. If I new my son or my husbands son was suffering in anyway I would not (and have not) spared any expense to have them with us if that is also what they wanted or if it was what was best for them. But I would also make it very clear by telling them Hey I love you and want what is best for you every time I saw them. Sometimes conversation and unconditional love is all that is needed. Sometimes you may also need a therapist. You may also want to consider a support group for yourself and your husband, this may help you with some ideas and be more patient and supportive for him.

There are a lot of variables that are unknown. One thing though this is not unusual behavior for a 14 yer old. Its a transitioning time. As his birth parents are not together I am sure there is wondering and conflict about authoritarian roles. Perhaps not dictating to him but letting him know what house rules are and then leaving him be. There has to be a reason why your husband and his mother are not together. It would seem that his birth mother has issues that are perhaps responsibility related. There is nothing you can do about that. Perhaps just giving clear guidelines about house rules and that you care about him. Perhaps he will choose to live with you on his own and there will be no need for "a custody battle". Best regards and prayers for the best for all involved, E.

Continue doing what you are doing...consistence is everything.

First of all, 14 is a rough age for kids period. It sounds to me like he needs to get out his feelings about his parents divorcing. You don't mention how long his parents have been divorced, or how long the whole process took. This takes a real toll on kids. We are so involved with our own stress, struggles and confusions that even when we try hard not to drag the kids into the divorce, they are very attuned to what we are feeling and going through. This is very confusing to them. On the Oprah website you can click on Children of Divorced Parents and it will show your husband how to have a discussion with his children and how to encourage them to talk to him about their feelings. You also don't mention if your step son is an only cild or if there are other siblings involved.. Even prior to my divorce, my youngest was struggling in school. She felt she could never be as smart as her older siblings. I brought her to one of those chain tutoring programs and it really did improve her self esteem. We all need constant sincere affirmations to feel good about ourselves so maybe that needs to be addressed too. I feel for you. Being a parent is the toughest job in the world...being a step parent is just that much tougher.

Good Luck

This is a strange attitute that the boy has adapted, it seems to me that he's trying to get some attention and this is the way to get that attention. It looks like the mom doesn't full fill he's needs and not cleaning, not caring about school etc. is the way to get some attention. Since you and he's dad are doing so well, and I'm sure the son is on the father's medical plan, why not first try speaking to he's pediatrician, or family doctor, see what he has to say about this situation and ask him for a thearaphy someone this boy can talk with, or maybe do a family theraphy session, I'm sure this kid is suffering from depression or maybe something worse.

Hi L.,

I'm a kind of quasi-stemom to my quasi-husband's (we're not officially married but live like we are) three kids ages 7,5,4. We also had hygiene, attitudinal and messy problems (they didn't know what a garbage can was and everything went on the floor).

Although I understand that your problem is a bit tougher than mine was since he's a teen with a tude, I still believe that it's important to set rules. Regardless of how he lives with his mother, when he comes to your home he has to abide by your rules or face consequences. Either don't get him once or twice or enforce some sort of punishment or even public humiliation doesn't hurt in the LONG run.

The fact is that loving him and begging him to be "clean" is simply not enough. Action has to be taken to get results, and honestly teachers can't really help in this aspect. It's better to endure a few months of agitation and frustration by enforcing rules and consequences, than having this kid grow into a young and old man that's socially inept.

If the mother doesn't take action for whatever reason (spite, inability) than the other parent should step in and take over. I also have a six year old son, and I would never want him to follow suit (and as you know little kids idolize big kids).

Think about it.

the only thing i can suggest is to go to the courts 1st. go in and sit down with someone explaining what's going on and how you want to try for custody, but can't really afford a lawyer, PLUS you don't think he's properly being taken care of (of course most of this should be coming from your husband's mouth since he's the one that has to actually file for custody). have as much proof as you can, letters from teachers, parents of friends, anything you can get signed and stamped (libraries i think charge $1-5 for that). there's a possibility that you may be able to get some kind of lawyer through the courts, whether free like she would get, or even $100 for court DA...i've had to use one (just not for custody).

at the moment my friend is going through the same thing, but since neither side can afford lawyers, they're just going through the courts, and eachother not bringing lawyers into it. if all else fails, you could always try to go that route. i'm not quite sure how either way could help or hurt you...just talk to the courts, they usually give some good advice, usually to get things done quick to your satisfaction (if there is a legitimate reason as you have) and not have to waste too much court time. good luck with the situation. i do believe that if his mother isn't being of any help that trying to get custody is in his best interest! good luck again.

I think the first thing i would do is ask your step son if he would like to come and live with you. at his age the courts would take on his opinion, and maybe if he wants to live with you there would be no need to go to count. There may be some underlining issue as to why he has declinded in his life. maybe you should get him a councilor to see, not a school one, but someone who is qualified to help teens. sometimes young teens just need someone to vent to just like adults.

I went through the same thing with my Son...I talked with his Dad, and we agreed that He should finish raising him and teach him how to be and become a Man. Has your Husband asked the Mom if HE could finish raising his Son (without throwing in all those negatives)? I'm sure she is DEFENSIVE...
I strongly suggest that you stop wasting your time talking to the teacher and request a School meeting with the Principal, Assistant Principal, Guidance Counselor and School Psychologist. Make some noise at your Son's school
(without notifying your Son of your intentions.) and I guarantee you'll get some results. Request this meeting Immediately with the above I listed. As a matter of Fact, Call the school Next week and as soon as you get a meet date, make sure you and your husband can both be there...Also make a list of all of your concerns,
(ESPECIALLY since your Son is in "ACADEMIC CRISIS")
This is sure to get the attention of the School, because they have an obligation to provide your Son with an Education...I wish you so much luck. Your (step-son) is so fortunate to have the Love and Support from a Loving Mother (you). Please keep in touch with me and let me know if I can be of any further support to You... C.

Hi
I would like to make a few suggestions. The first step is to not refer to him as your step son but your son. Whether you realize it or not he feels the separation and that's primarily his battle. It is difficult because you don't know how his mother refers to you and your spouse. Helping him feel accepted just as he is, smelly and all, will start to have an impact on him. I don't know if he has his own room when he comes to your home, but whatever space let him feel like it is his,place his clean clothes, towel, personal hygiene items there for him to see and use on his own. Take away the power to make him comform, he will do it when he feels he belongs. Continue encouraging him with his grades. Perhaps try a reward system with things he likes to do or like to play with.
Believe me I went through the situation with my daugther after divorcing her father and remarrying. Her father also remarried and has a daughter with his wife. When I had my son with my new husband, she had a difficult time and gave us a HARD way to go. Our star student began failing classes, doing things she had never done before, she acted out horribly for about 2 years . I had very little help from her biological dad and wife. I will not lie it was tough on us as a family. However, my husband and I just joined forces and refused to let her continue going down. We kept as many positive influences around her and made a big dealt out of the smallest accomplishments. Such as her hygiene, grades from a F to a D and so on. My husband has always referred to her as his daughter. We never talk negative about her father and wife to her. My daughter now is doing excellent and is preparing for college.
Just hang in there and don't give up believing in him and the power of LOVE in a family.