Do You Fake Emotions That Aren't There?

But he LOVED her, and to lose someone you love IS devastating. So yeah, give the guy a little sympathy, geez.

:(

You don't have to be sad for the break-up, but you should be sympathetic to his pain. If you can't manage that, stay neutral. No jumping up and down for joy.

Hey... I'm THRILLED my ex is gone gone gone. But its not all rainbows and unicorns.

All my plans for the past 10+ years are gone, too. Everything I've worked for and toward.

I'll probably never remarry.
My face is in the dictionary next to 'Sexually Frustrated'
I'm often exhausted with the work to be done
My self confidence has seen better days.

Divorce is huge.

Whether a FANTASTIC thing, or not, it's huge.

Aww....your poor brother. While I certainly agree it's probably for the best (and believe me, I have a SIL that I wish was GONE) he needs your sympathy!
"oh Aaron, I am so sorry that you are feeling like that. Is there anything I can do?"
"Aaron, it's a real bummer when things come to an end. I am sorry that you are hurting."
"Divorce sucks. Do you need anything?"
Try out that instead of saying, "Ding dong the witch is dead!!" ;)
L.

You might be relieved, he may be relieved, but I don't see the empathy here. This is a major life change, a death of a dream, regardless if its for the best. Of course he's going to go through feelings - he's grieving the death of his marriage. That may feel like a failure on his part. Allow him his feelings and try to look at it from your brother's point of view, not your own.

Wow, really? - it doesn't matter if you all think he is better off. It doesn't matter if he thinks he is better off. He is still going through a major life change, that takes adjustment, and will have a grieving period.

Buck up, and show him you care about him. You can be happy for the divorce, but what he needs is validation of his grieving process - because it is an ending, and a loss, even if the end result is a better way.

You don't need to act like he should be devastated by this - because obliviously, he is not, but you should acknowledge his feelings, his sleeplessness etc., and the changes that are occurring in his life with compassion and empathy and love.

It is not lying about your feelings - it is validating his feelings.

Wow. Perhaps you could at least summon up a bit of honest sadness that your brother is sad that his marriage failed. Whether or not you liked the woman - your brother loved her at some point and believed he would spend his life with her. Perhaps you can understand that his faith in his own judgement about people might be shaken. Do you truly not understand this?

So when your dog dies because he/she is old and eventually dies - do you plan on being happy (because after all she was better off dead) or maybe you will be a bit sad that you are without your pet and your pet doesn't get to live a bit longer.

I would offer empathy in this situation. It IS hard for him. Have you gone through a divorce, yourself? I have (and I've also been the girlfriend who has stood by friends when they divorced their bad-news husbands, so I know both sides.). Even when I *knew knew knew* divorce was the best possible choice, reminding me of the loser my ex had become would still hurt.

It meant:
*I* had made a bad decision in a pretty major way.
*I* had picked the 'loser' to spend my life with.
*I* was the last to come to the realization that he was the no-good self-absorbed person everyone was now claiming him to be.
*I* had a marriage that had failed, and *I* was the one hurting.

It's easy to look on from the sidelines and say "what's the problem?" if you haven't gone through it yourself. IT IS DEVASTATING. Divorce makes us question ourselves-- if we were so wrong in this endeavor of marriage, what else are we doing wrong? What was so wrong with us that our spouse couldn't get it together or what was so wrong with us to cause our spouse to leave? Are we inherently unlovable? *Why didn't we know sooner?*

Divorce can cause us to question our own previous beliefs, opinions and choices. It often shakes us to our core. I found that counseling helped immensely during and after.

So, when your brother is feeling bad, a simple "It still hurts like hell right now, huh?" and quiet listening is the best response, at least from my perspective. Compassion is not about lying about a situation, it's about caring enough for someone who is hurting to have a bit of respect for them. Try not to make this about you or authentically expressing your feelings in regard to this situation. Sometimes, being the bigger person means keeping ones opinions to oneself and offering up a non-judgmental, listening ear.

Well he probably IS devastated, you know? His marriage is ending, and I assume that he loved her, and maybe he still does (even if she doesn't deserve it.)
Just because his brain knows this is for the best doesn't mean his heart's not broken, and that takes time to heal. You don't need to lie about how you feel, but you can still offer him your empathy and support. He will get over it eventually, especially if/when when he meets a good woman who actually cares about him.

Yes, even if secretly I was jumping for joy. Just because the break-up is right doesn't mean it's any less painful. A break up hurts, not matter what the reason is.

Support his emotions or he might find someone worse that will.

First of all, I hope you all drop the "you shouldn't lose sleep....you should be glad" stuff. He is grieving and you all don't need to be telling him how he should or shouldn't feel.

It's not about you and your family being glad she's gone, it's about caring that your brother is HURTING. Have some empathy! You don't have to say things you don't mean, but I hope that you are able to say things like, "I'm so sorry you aren't sleeping." or "I'm sorry you are hurting!" or "We love you".

Don't offer him your advice. Offer your love and support.

I think you're mistaking the reasons he's upset about this.

He's a man. Men don't like to fail. It's blow to his pride that he was unable to make this woman happy (regardless of the fact that NOBODY could make her happy because she's selfish). It's not necessarily the loss of a woman he loved (maybe). It's about the failure to fix the problems and keep his marriage happy and healthy. Divorce = failure.

Just because he has made peace with the divorce happening doesn't mean that he's dealt with his associated feelings of failure. He needs time to purge the emotions that are making it difficult to know that he's better off without her. Emotions tend to cloud our critical thinking ability.

I think what you can do is to help him to recognize that HE did everything in his power to make it work. But if SHE didn't want it to work...it was never going to, no matter what he did. Because in a marriage, BOTH people have to want it to work, and have to work together in order to fix any problems. We can't control others. We can't MAKE them do what it takes to stay, make them love us, or make them happy. They have to feel their own feelings.

You might feel like he's better off without her, and he probably is. But that doesn't mean that he ought not have time to mourn the loss of his marriage. Give him that. Support him in that. Empathize. That's what he needs to do in order to move forward in a healthy way...to know that he didn't fail because he couldn't save his marriage.

ETA: Odd1 said it exactly right: He's mourning the death of a dream. Let him. It doesn't mean he wants her back...he's just sad that his marriage failed.

I'm a little surprised that you can't understand how he might feel torn up inside, even if rationally he knows it's the right thing. You don't personally have to feel sad that she's leaving the picture, but have you no empathy for how sad he must be? Have you never loved and lost? Yes, if she's that horrible, than it is for the best that she's going. But this is the woman he loved, and you don't simply turn that off. My brother's wife did horrible things to him. I was mad at her, but I felt sad for his loss. Then, he accepted her back into his life, and my sister was furious and didn't talk to him for the longest time. I couldn't figure that out because I could understand, even if I didn't like her, that he loved her deep down and wanted it to work. So I supported him -- ultimately, it was none of my business. Two years later, she passed away very suddenly from a very aggressive cancer. I was very glad I had accepted her, because my sister who had been so mean found herself in a very awkward position of having to reconcile with our brother's wife and forgive her on her death bed. It was terrible and all those years our brother needed my sister's support were wasted because she was mad about something that was none of her business.
The bottom line is -- she'll be gone from his life, no matter what your feelings about her are, but you'd damn well better figure out how to give your brother what he needs or he will be, too. She's not your wife or your soon to be ex, so whatever your feelings are about her is irrelevant. It's your brother you need to be there for. You can remind him that she's leaving for the best, but be there for him emotionally when he needs it. I'd be furious if my life was falling apart and my so-called family was rejoicing and maligning my spouse.

When someone tells you that they feeling a particular emotion, you need to listen and be sympathetic for what they are feeling. That is not the same thing as faking an emotion.

He's telling you how he feels. Don't try to talk him out of it. Just listen. Just be there for him.

He is mourning the loss of what he had and what he thought he would have. In time he will, hopefully, come to a point in his life where he sees how good things are now and how that was not the life that was going to make him happy. But for now, he needs to mourn his loss.

You don't have to fake emotions. He is going through a big change and you should be able to connect with him about that. His life is changing and even though in the end this may be a positive change, he may still be feeling loss, he may be feeling like he failed, and he's alone. He also may not be sleeping because he doesn't have someone physically beside him anymore and that can be an adjustment. Figure out a way to connect with him on this and just listen. You don't have to shed any tears, just be there for him.

You don't have to be devastated to show concern that the man can't sleep. As I often have to remind people close to me, EVERYONE'S feelings are valid, and it's not up to anyone else to decide if someone should feel a certain way or not.

When he says "I just can't sleep" you ought to feel compassion that the man can't sleep, not tell him "Why in the world not? You dodged a bullet!" To him, he did NOT dodge a bullet...he devoted love and time to this woman, she ended up being selfish or whatever the case is...and he is heartbroken. You ought to leave your own feelings out of it and consider his feelings more.

Your statement, "It's hard for us to give him sympathy when we all feel he is better off" makes me sad. Maybe YOU feel that way, but I certainly hope his entirely family doesn't feel that way...or you're all a bunch of insensitive clods. Sorry. Again, you don't have to EMPATHIZE with the man...there's a huge, huge difference between empathy and sympathy.

Having AS, I don't actually empathize with anyone or really understand why ANYONE feels the way they do about things, but even I am certainly about to sympathize with people. How you respond to him seems cruel. He's reaching out for emotional support from the people who are SUPPOSED to love him, just like his wife was SUPPOSED to love him. Don't prove to him that you all are no better than his insensitive wife.

Having been dumped by 2 guys who in hindsight I am way way better off without but I just deeply loved at the time, of course you need to be sympathetic to him. He's hurting a lot if he loved her. You can't be sad she's gone but doesn't it make you sad he's sad? I wasn't even married to these guys and couldn't sleep at times. He has a great job and a house etc but maybe he's very scared he will never meet the right woman and be happy and have a family. That was a big part of why I was upset. I was sad about the particular guys but also really worried I'd be alone the rest of my life. Have you asked him if that's his fear? My husband went through that before he met me... It can be a real fear for men as well as women. They don't have the biological clock issue as much but still feel it. I have guy friends who got married really late and they certainly were lonley and worried at times.

He's looking for sympathy not because the wife is leaving, but because his life is changing. Doesn't matter to some people if the change is good or bad, sometimes change is just plain scary and keeps us up at night. Acknowledge his feelings by patting him on the back and letting him know that you understand change is hard, but sometimes for the best.

Okay there is a huge difference between getting used to not having someone else in your home and actually regretting the circumstances that cause it.

I filed for divorce, I really don't like me ex, I was more than glad he wasn't in my house but I did have trouble sleeping at first because I was used to a body next to me. I would have liked to think my family could have compassion for the changes I was going though without thinking it means anything more than it does.

What I am saying is separate the symptoms from the cause. You can still help him figure out how to sleep better, get used to the changes, while still being happy the changes are being made.

There is no "should" when it comes to emotions. People feel what they feel. You can express sympathy for your brother without pretending that you're sad about his divorce.
When he says that he can't sleep, you can tell him, "I'm so sorry that you're down. Is there something specific bothering you? What can I do to help?" That would be sincere without sounding like you wish the two of them would reunite and live happily ever after.

Look at it this way. He IS suffering a loss. He may know he is better off, knows this should happen and that it is for the best. That doesn't change the fact he is losing a relationship and a DREAM of what might have been. He married her because he saw a future with this person. How sad to lose that! You can be sympathetic to the fact he is going through such a life altering event and the fact he DID lose something!

You may be happy that he is getting rid of this woman but he apparently loved her and isn't happy (even if he's made peace with it). You should express your concern for him (what can we do to help?, so sorry you are having a tough time, etc.). You ARE sorry he is having a tough time and loves a woman that doesn't love him...aren't you?

Despite everyone's feelings about her, the marriage, and the end of the marriage, he made an investment of his time (many years of his life?) and his emotiosn with this woman. Let's say he really wanted to have kids, he is probably mourning a lot more than just the end of a marriage, but also mourning the loss of the investment of his time and emotions with someone who didn't participate or fulfill long term goals. Did he get married with the intention of getting divorced in a few years or spending the rest of his life with her? He may not just be mourning the loss of her, but also the loss the years he can't get back that could have been devoted to a person who wants to have a lifelong relationship. Like many married couples, he likely shared his deepest secrets and wishes with this woman and now she is leaving him. He is facing a lot of loss emotionally, he probably feels quite vulnerable.
So to your question - what would I do? On one side I was totally glad that my best friend's husband left her because I did not like him and did not think he was good for her and didn't like the way he treated her, but I didn't tell her that (although we had discussed it many times during their marriage). On the other side I was devasted for her because she lost so much that was her life. And thankfully, they did not have kids. Try to see past the idea she won't be in his or your physical life and focus on the journey he is on and the pain he may be feeling. Listen, encourage him to talk, focus on the feelings. He will mourn the way he needs to and in a year or so (maybe less) it will be different.

Yeah, that all makes perfect sense intellectually. He has a right to grieve and mourn his lost dream, his lost intimacy. He has a right to feel like he failed at something that he tried. He has a right to feel rejected. He has a right to feel angry that maybe he wasted his time or should have known better.

You guys are wrong for not trying to see it through his eyes and for trying to force him to see it through yours. You don't get to say how this should make him feel. This is his experience/journey. This was his marriage. Only he and she get to ascribe real value to it.

I would empathize.

You and your family sound very cavalier about the fact that your brother's life has fallen apart. Good for you that you're happy. But take a few minutes, close your eyes, and try to imagine how you would feel if your hubby decided he just wasn't happy and he was moving on. Even if your family thought it was for the best, YOU would be devastated. That's how your brother feels. So, empathize with the man! Tell him you're sorry he feels that way (if you are sorry - I doubt it - you don't know how to empathize).

If you just can't seem to empathize with your brother', then just keep your cold heart away from him. You are not going to do him any good and he may very well end up resenting you because you couldn't at least empathize with him.

Sheesh, I hope you never experience a loss that no one else considers important. Well, actually I do. That way you can feel what your brother feels. And I hope no one empathizes with you!

Someone already took my, "Ding dong the witch is dead" quote.

But that can be exactly what you are thinking as you put your arm around your brother with a gesture of sympathy for his lost hopes and dreams of a future with a loving and adoring wife...and future kids.

Now he has to start all over..and it is daunting,overwhelming and downright scary right after a break up. Life can be perfect with a home,social life, good job etc. But everyone wants to feel loved..and to love someone.

Don't do too much talk about all the good things in his life. He needs some time to talk and commiserate. Answer with, "I understand", " I hear you...and our family is here to come spend time with you on weekends. Hey, c'mon over for dinner this week." Give him things in the future to look forward to.

He is hurting...have compassion for his hurt even though you want to give your ex sis in law a tongue lashing!

It is always so convenient when this happens BEFORE the kids come along. He can cut his losses and just move on...no need to keep the wench in his life on behalf of kids. And..it makes himself more marketable with ladies.

Good luck holding your tongue and with faking the sympathy face!!

But... it IS a sad situation and it SHOULD devastate him. He loved this woman enough to marry her and commit to her and, presumably, have a family with her. He didn't want the divorce and she did.

Don't you think that he deserves time to mourn? Don't you think that he deserves some support and comforting? Don't you think that he deserves sympathy for having a marriage where his wife didn't love him enough to treat him well, work things out, and stay even though he (presumably) treated her well?

Giving him these things and acknowledging them doesn't mean you would be lying and even if it did, it's not about you. It's nothing at all to do with your feelings about his soon-to-be-former-wife or anything else to do with her. It's about your brother and what HIS needs are.

He doesn't need to hear how poorly you've ever thought of her. He doesn't need to hear how it's such a great thing that she left him. He doesn't need to hear about every horrible quality about her. Those things will make him feel terrible for not seeing those things himself; he'll be angry and defensive and start to resent hearing those things about her because he hasn't seen her that way and still doesn't; he wishes she didn't leave and still loved him; he's not being supported in the way he needs to be and has been trying to tell you.

Bashing her is not being supportive of him.

Acknowledging his feelings as being valid is being supportive of him. Sympathizing with him is being supportive of him. It's not saying you wish they stayed together even if you acknowledged that they had some good times together.

"James, I'm so sorry you're feeling sad. It's okay, you know. It's normal to feel that way when a marriage ends."

"I'm sorry you're upset, James. Hopefully that feeling will decrease soon."

"It's okay to angry and sad and wish she were still here, sweetie. It's never easy in situations like this. That's why you have an awesome sister like me to help you through it."

"I know it's hard right now. I wish that she had appreciated you more when you were together. Why don't we have some sibling bonding time and go see The Hobbit?"

Things that make sense logically, don't always feel "good." She's terrible for him; he's way better off without her, fine - great, even! That doesn't mean that he isn't dwelling or at least thinking about the wasted years with her, the reality that what he pictured his life would be at this point just isn't so, missing companionship because he got used to having someone around, etc. He has every right to feel the way he does and he may not even understand why he feels that way. Haven't you ever been sad about something irrational? A moment of melancholy that your children are growing up too fast, but when you think of it logically that's ridiculous - you should be happy that they are growing and healthy?

No matter what he feels, it isn't wrong. No matter what you and your family feel, it isn't wrong. Feelings can seem unwarranted, but they can never be wrong. No one can help how they feel. It's what you do that matters and can be wrong. You don't have to "fake feelings that aren't there," but you need to support him if you care about him. You can let him know that you don't feel sad that she's gone, but you're feel sad that he is sad. Support him and let him know that however he feels isn't wrong, whether you understand it or not makes no difference.

Love is blind, so he probably really is devastated and mourning the loss of the relationship. Give him time to do that and keep your true feelings polite, but honest... you are right not to enable this behavior by faking your emotions. I truly believe things happen for a reason. Every.single.thing. I think people come and go in our lives for a specific reason-the potential is there to learn from someone or to teach them something regardless if it is a loved one or the mailman. Godly interventions are all around us.
Ten years ago, I met the man of my dreams, we fell hard and fast for each other and I knew I was going to marry him. About a year into our relationship he broke things off. I was truly devastated. He was a nice enough guy and my family liked him, but they were also of the mindset of "there are other fish in the sea so pick yourself up, brush off your big girl pants and get on with it". I still mourned this relationship for a year. I was depressed and went on auto pilot with my teaching job. It was really taking a back seat to my suffering. Luckily, there were special people that came to my rescue to help me get back to giving my full potential at work. I am forever grateful to them because I would have been so ashamed to lose my job because of my breakup. Through all of this I prayed repeatedly for God to bring my boyfriend back. When that didn't happen, I finally came to a place were the prayer changed to a plea of 'help me move on with my life without him'. One morning I decided to make a drastic change. For years my brother and his family had urged my mom and me to move closer to them, but I was always the one to drag my feet. I had a great life right where I was: great friends, great teaching job, great boyfriend. Moving was the last thing I wanted to do..but when I lost the boyfriend everything else seemed to unravel. As much as I loved my friends and would miss them dearly, I needed a new start in a new place. My mom and I got online and started looking for jobs and apartments that very morning and on the last day of my school year, we packed up our belongings and moved to Omaha. That summer was a season of renewal for me. I was finally getting over that break-up and looked forward to meeting new people and starting a new school year in my new school. Six months later I met my husband. I married him exactly two years later. Our son was born about 13 months after that and our daughter 16.5 months after that. I also achieved National Board Teaching Certification which is an advanced teaching credential and a long and rigorous process to endure, but I did it even through all of the challenges I faced at the time.
For all the pain I suffered that year, it was like God was saying to me, "Ok, this might sting for a bit, but I PROMISE I have something SO much better planned for you if you can just have faith to hold on..."
If someone would have told me ten years ago, I would be living in Omaha, I would have laughed at them. Now I cannot imagine living anywhere else. My whole life is here.
The point I'm trying to make is break-ups are hard and they deserve a fair amount of time to get over. How long that takes depends on the person, but if I were you I would just be as tactful as possible, but honest with your brother. Something better is out there for him, he just has to hang on during this yucky, bumpy part. Good luck and God Bless.
HTH,
A.

FOrget whther or not you liked the ex-wife. You're glad she's gone - he will be one day soon. But you love your brother right now, right? It's like he's gone through surgery. The cancer has been removed but he still has to recover from the surgery. He's grieving the loss of what might have been, he's grieving the loss of a wife, a partner, what he dreamed the marriage could be, etc. So forget the glee you have that she's gone and feel the sadness that your brother is feeling. A true friend rejoices in the joyous times and grieves during the painful time. Let you emotions for your brother's sadness help you feel the appropriate emotions.

The time will come where he'll realize he's better off without her. When that happens you can react with glee!

Who's faking? I can't see a matter of fake behavior. It's more just support. And being family and seeing it from a detached perspective, you continue to support him. It doesn't matter if this is the best thing or not. Any end to a relationship is very much like a death. The parties involved have to grieve in most cases.
Your brother is coming to terms with it. He's mulling it all through and that's normal to wonder if you really did do everything possible, if you're lacking something that killed a relationship, building self esteem back up, etc, and talking about it helps.
My youngest was in a relationship too that the rest of us are overjoyed it finally went south. Too much controlling behavior on her part and alienating him from his family. It was just a very destructive relationship. She was nice to me, to be very honest. Always had a hug for me. But she controlled just about everything my son did, and ultimately it was all about her and he was always so encouraging to her to get her education over and done with and quit making excuses. My son took a lot of heat when he ultimately had enough. He was overseas in the air force and there aren't a lot of options for breaking up except over the internet. Calling would've been a long and ridiculous waste of time. Coming home to do it would've been a waste of money! But her friends couldn't see any positives in breaking up and it was all his fault.
He is so much better off. And she was still the snot when he was home in spring and had to go see her to retrieve his varsity jacket and a couple other things.
So stand by your brother. Just keep him up in spirit. He'll get through it, but it takes time, as his emotions were more deeply invested. His self esteem has to rebuild and that can be a slow process. You're doing fine. Ultimately you'll be able to let him know he's way better off and the family is happy for him. It's just one of the many curves life throws at us and we learn and grow from it.

Everyone has feeling and unfortunately his are crushed and by you guys not being supportive of his feelings and being joyful of your own about the situation makes him reach out! It's not you your mom or dad going through this its him its his life its his heart being ripped out! He proposed to someone it's not easy for men to do that its not like use woman. Men actually feel different sheesh half the time we as won have to mold n tell them what we want! Lighten up its te season it's hard for him because he is in love with her and she isn't with him and its the holidays who wants to be alone?