How to Help a Teen Accept a Daddy's New Girlfriend

My Mother's friend (she had/has no biological kids of her own) married a widower with three kids. Two boys one girl. He had been widowed several years, one of the boys was older (middle school age), the other two were a little younger. There were times when everyone got along, and times when things were not so nice. The girl in particular was very difficult as a teenager. It seems with many teens (no matter when they lost a parent), they resent anything that takes attention away from them. Difficulties are worse when the Dad and Step Mom do not make a united front. Situations when kids disrespect the Step Mom ("You're not my Mother!" every time an issue comes up, and then a Dad that does nothing about it when it happens (and this happens with some parents even without Step relations) can be very stressful. The kids eventually grew up, moved out, got married and my Moms friend and her husband are enjoying their retirement and grandchildren now. If the girlfriend is in it for the long haul, she's got to expect ups and downs over time. The kids might grow to love or hate her and a lot depends on the individuals involved.

I am sorry to say this, but I don't feel that 6 months is enough time for them to move forward at all! They need each other and not another woman to replace mom/wife. I agree completely with Jessica's response about him giving his daughter's the time and attention, not this woman. I know he must be loney, but this is most likely nothing more than a rebound...someone to fill the missing space of his wife. She is only a phone gf at the moment, that's way too much for the girls right now. I wouldn't blame them if they hated both this new woman and thier father. I have to say....it's WAY TOO soon! Unless his wife was not a good wife/mother/person, then his mourning hasn't stopped. I would strongly recommend that you help your brother as much as a sister can, and tell him to let this woman go. His daughters need him, not this new gf!
Good luck and God bless!

None of us are personally going through this so we don't know the pain. The young widower is wanting comfort. He is doing the very best he can to hang on to his sanity and do what he thinks is right. Let's not fault him for that. I'm sure his heart is in the right place but it's just on a different time frame that we think is "proper".
The real issue here is the children, as most of you have pointed out. They need more of their father's time and that's for certain. They want to see the memory of their mother being preserved, not replaced. His new relationship, whether anyone approves or not, is his decision but should be kept private from his girls for as long as he can. They need to grieve and that typically takes a long time. Their process will be stunted if they now have to deal with "competition". They are most likely feeling that they have lost 2 parents. First they lost their mother, then they lost their father to another woman because his attention is all on the new woman. I experienced a similar situation. I was 16 when my parents divorced and I thought "finally I'll be able to have some quality time with my mom and really get to know who she is". She landed right into a new relationship and I felt jilted. And I was 16 and had a boyfriend of my own. Kids are selfish...it's their nature. I certainly hope these girls are receiving some good counseling to help them through this secondary issue. We need to pray for the whole family as they are struggling to hang on. The girls are grieving and it's likely the father is showing a grin on his face every now and again because he's found new joy in his life. The girls likely resent that and feel he should be grieving with them. I wonder if they feel they can't talk to him now and share their pain because they feel their dad won't understand because he's not in the same place as they are anymore. I hope he's got an open line of communication with them and tries to find out how they feel and takes that into consideration. He can't turn back the clock on his emotions because his new relationship is already there in his heart but he can get some guidance for himself on how to help his girls. What a sad situation but one that hopefully will have a good union with the outcome. Dad could be turning to drugs or worse.....we need to remember that. He's trying to rebuild his family as best as he knows.
I experienced a close loss 1.5 years ago and am still trying to recover and am still grieving. I resented family members for moving on and being happy. How could they dare be so happy when I was dying inside. How could they laugh and enjoy life when it seemed too soon to have laughter in the house. I'm a grown woman and I had those selfish thoughts.
I truly do hope he's getting counseling not only for his girls but also for himself as he needs to get help on how he can create an environment that the girls can feel free to grieve and not feel that joy is being flaunted and mom's memory is being stomped on. I hope mom is being "celebrated" in a tangible way by bringing out photo albums, watching home movies and openly talking about her on a continuous basis so they know mom is still alive in his heart, even though the other lady is there too. They need to know that mom is STILL his first love (at least for a while until they accept any newcomers). Please tell your brother to hang in there. What a difficult road to travel.....

Im sorry but they do not need the love of this lady. They need EACHOTHER! He needs to get off the the phone and into his daughters life!! It is a painful time, but six months.... come on! I would not be ready for or want a relationship if I had just lost my husband!! His first responsibility is to his daughter to make sure that she is mentally recovered from this tragedy. There are too many cases of little girls daddy's ignoring them and those little girls searching for male appreciation elsewhere.

One thing that might help is if this woman and your brother have a little more respect for the girls' needs. I would be frustrated too if my dad was on the phone with a girlfriend during bedtime routine every night. The girls need their dad at that time of day, especially if they are all still grieving. That would be a good time for him to listen to their woes and hold them when they miss their mommy. Maybe that's what they want and they feel that this woman is intruding on that.

Next, your brother needs to make it clear to the girls that he still loves their mother very much. He needs to explain that dating this other woman sometimes helps to ease his loneliness. He shouldn't tell them it helps with the pain he still feels because that could make them think he's trying to replace their mom emotionally. He should have an in depth discussion with his oldest daughter about the nature of adult relationships emotionally speaking. He should explain in great detail how much he loves her mom even though it will be very hard for him to speak about. She needs to know that her mom's memory will live on. Maybe he could say something like their bond of love with her has not been broken and reaches into Heaven now. He could explain that grown-ups also need a bond of some sort here on Earth. We need that kind word or touch, we need to know there is always someone we can unburden ourselves to, we need to have that counterpart that we can rely on to provide comfort and caring. This is doubly true for someone like him. He has been deprived of the woman that was his partner and the mother of his girls. It's very hard for a man to go through something like that. He needs some female companionship within guidelines that are respectful to his girls and their feelings about their mother of course. He has to find a way to convey these ideas to the girls.

He should also make a pact with them. On their side, they will give anyone new a fair chance and get to know them before they make judgments and on his part he pledges to listen to their feeings about anyone new with an open mind. This lets them know that if they really, truly can't stand someone, he will listen and think about the problem. Hopefully he would decide that he shouldn't bring someone like that into their lives, but he shouldn't make promises like that because that's a situation that could get out of hand.

Anyways, I hope this helps. We all know what it is to grieve. The kids just need more time.

no one can tell someone else how long they 'should' grieve or when they are ready to love again. this young widower deserves sympathy and support, not judgment and condemnation.
that being said, his girls need him badly, and it would certainly behoove him to wait until they're in bed before he talks to his new love. how can they NOT resent her when during this precious, intimate time of day for daddy/daughter bonding *she* is taking him away from them?
as someone who lost my mother at 10, my perspective is that any woman who comes into their dad's life will be resented, it's a matter of degree and how tactfully it's handled. his new lady needs to be graceful at being kept to the periphery for a while, and the girls need to be constantly assured and reassured that their dad is always there for them, that they are his first priority, and most of all, how very much he loved their mom. that's not to say that discourtesy is acceptable, but resistance on their part needs to be met with compassion and understanding.
and seriously.......no phone calls at the girls' bedtimes.
khairete
S.

6 months is too soon. He needs to process his feelings and allow his daughter to do the same while talking to him and bonding over this with her Father. The dust hasn't settled yet and won't for some time. He is foolish to think that he OR his daughter needs a new woman in their lives at this point.

My experience with loss is that when I was 16 my older brother was killed in an accident. My parents handled it the only way they were equipped to - which unfortunately was badly. I needed THEM - but I sought out comfort from boyfriends cos my parents weren't available. It set me on a troublesome path. Had they been there for me all those years ago - I am convinced that life would have been different for me. I had decades of junk to sort out and finally at 47 have a great life and have sorted it all out.

One of my BIG mistakes before I did get it sorted out was to marry a man who was recently divorced - his wife had cheated on him and they had 3 kids. To shorten the story - in retrospect he was trying to ease his pain by getting involved with me and providing a new Mom for his kids - it turned out a HUGE disaster and we divorced. Thank God that's in my past.

So in closing - get your brother some REAL help. This phone calling/internet stuff is just a bandaid. It will heap on more pain added to the loss of his wife in the longrun. They both need help with this. Blessings, S.

Wow...I can't imagine being ready to date someone in 6 months after losing my husband, even if we were to split I can't imagine that. But everyone is different. Maybe he does need someone to talk to, and she is who he needs to talk to, but can he not talk to her once the girls are in bed? If every night he is on the phone with her before they go to bed, he is not giving them what they need after just losing their mother. They need their dad to be 100% committed to them, not another woman. He should not be allowing his daughters to know he is dating someone else at all, in my opinion. I know that sounds harsh, but your kids should be the first priority...and they need him more than he needs this other lady right now. I hope it all works out for the best.

I don't understand why your brother doesn't wait for the "date" to start until the girls are both in bed and asleep? Even though talking on the phone is very innocent, your brother seems to be placing a lot more on these phone calls than just talking with someone. If you see that enough to call it dating, imagine what the girls think being in the thick of it? Emotionally, it probably is coming across as your dad moving on right in front of them...when they aren't ready yet. It is fine and great if your brothe ris ready, but he should try to at least keep that to himself so that the daughters can get to that point.
K.

I remember how difficult it was for me when I was 13 years old and I don't know how I would have handled the loss of my mother...not well I am sure.Six months may feel like enough time for your brother to move on but obviously it is still an open wound for your niece.She is probably wondering why dad can even think about having a girlfriend so soon.Everyone grieves in different ways but the most important thing is to keep communicating.She may need a third party to share her feelings and get some advice that is objective.Myself personally, I would not be conducting my personal business around my kids until I knew the person I was seeing was serious.Kids can form attachments to new people after the loss of a parent quickly, only to be devastated again when the relationship ends.It is a very tricky subject that could benefit from some professional grief counseling.

The new g-friend is a salve to the father. I understand. It's devestating to lose someone. A quick replacement actually helps to ease the pain because his attention is not on his loss. It's a form of denying his emotions, and it will actually take him longer to heal becasue he isn't dealing with his feelings now.

His daughters need his full attention at this time. They are not ready to accept a new "mother-figure". It takes quite a bit of time to mourn, especially since they are so young. I lost both my parents as an adult, and it took me a while to put my emotions in proper perspective.

So, gently let him know that his daughters need him, and how his hours away from them affect them. He should talk to the women after they go to bed. The daughters shouldn't even know about the new women anyway. You be there for the girls. Dad may need to do what he needs to do for the moment. It's his way of coping.

Gently remind him that they have experienced the loss of their mother and might not adjust well to other women coming in and out of their lives--period. His girls will want stability, and probably have lost all sense of security and safety about life--and, in your 13-year-old neice's mind, he's already moving forward. It's not wrong, it's just probably harder on his girls who are so young and don't yet understand life, let alone losing someone. Right now, he's serious about this lady, but it's only been a few months. Unless he is sure of his feelings for someone else, he might want to keep that side of his life private. He could prepare them for his dating by saying, maybe, Daddy really misses your mommy and will always love her and miss her. But, she cannot return and would not want me to spend the rest of my days alone. I'm not trying to replace her. But, if I meet someone whose company I enjoy, I would like to see where it goes. Until then, I will not introduce you to anyone else unless I believe this is someone really special. This does not change my love for you. Do you understand?