Desperate! Need Help Getting My 1 Yr Old to Sleep Independently

I have no clue. I had 2 girls, 3 1/2 yrs apart........both were colicky, when the younger wouldnt let me sleep, she was now in bed with me, in the meantime, I put a sleeping bag on the floor next to the bed and told the older one, if she needs to she can sleep there. I didn't sleep for 6 years, but it worked out fine for me. One has her Masters now, the other is almost done getting her Masters.........mommys girls. Good luck.

My baby girl is 11 months old. She hasn't been the best sleeper either. Someone just told me to try sitting outside her bedroom when I put her in her crib and Shushing loudly until she went to sleep. It was minutes!!! 3 days later I didn't even have to shush anymore. She goes in her crib awake and is asleep minutes later without really crying at all. She is sleeping more soundly and longer now. YEAH! We are still working on naps.
Good luck.

Switch to one nap a day in between the two times you'd normally do them now. Let baby sleep with you. It's not his fault. We are genetically coded to want to sleep with an adult for protection. Some babies just have the drive more strongly than others. My first was the same exact way. I got rid of the crib and just put a guard rail up on the side of my bed. When I had the next two children, I didn't even bother putting the crib back up. The two older ones are now in their own beds and I have a 20 month old sleeping next to me. The time in their little lives is so short. Don't worry, I doubt they'll be sleeping with you when they're teens. lol

C.,

I am 56 years old, and my son is now 29, but he was the same way around that age, right down to the colic and having to rock him every night to get him to sleep, so I have had some experience with this.

First of all, if he's a year old, I think you're expecting him to sleep too much. I would either do away with the 3:30 naptime, or put him to bed an hour or two later at night. Babies don't necessarily have to be tired in order to be cranky....sometimes they just are.
I also would think that he may be cutting his molars about now, if he hasn't already, and, if so, that could be a part of why he's so cranky.

Regardless of what your husband and mother-in-law say, letting him cry it out is the best way to put a stop to this, because it's only going to keep getting worse if you let it go on. He HAS to learn to go to sleep independantly, unless you want him to be sleeping with you and your husband when he's 5, or you have to sit in his room half the night, which will make YOU cranky, and may even make you sick, if you're not getting your proper rest, and it goes on for too long.

The fact that you have him on a bedtime routine is a good thing, but I would add a few things to it other than bathing him, changing him into his PJs, etc. Put him in his crib and stay there with him for 10 minutes or so, giving him your undivided attention. Read him a story, sing songs to him, or whatever you think he might enjoy, then when you're finished tell him you love him, give him a kiss, and tell him its time to go to sleep.
Then leave the room. If he cries, let him cry for 5 minutes (send hubby out on the porch if you have to). After 5 minutes, go in his room. Don't pick him up, don't talk to him, just let him see that you're there, for a minute or two, and then leave the room. If he starts crying again, wait 5 minutes and do the same thing. Do this as many times as it takes, until he goes to sleep. The key is to not touch him, and not to talk to him, just let him know that you're there. Do this for 3 days, then do the same routine again, only wait 10 minutes. Do this for 3 days, then up it to 15 minutes. Keep lengthening the time by 5 minutes every three days, and, trust me, eventually he WILL learn to go to sleep on his own.

My son, when he was that age, gave new meaning to the word "stubborn". The first 3 days he cried for over an hour before going to sleep. It was hard...I actually had to go our and sit on the porch, so I couldn't hear him...it was breaking my heart. However eventually he started to give in and the crying time got less and less until he figured our that he wasn't going to get a lot of attention if he refused to sleep, and he began to go right to sleep on his own. THIS DOES WORK!

You might try pointing out to your husband and your mother-in-law that, at this age, the sleeping habits that he develops is a foundation for how he is going yo sleep for the rest of his life. Mommy isn't always going to be there, so he has to learn to go to sleep independently. Of course, if he's sick or something, then suspend what you're doing until he's felling better.

DO NOT let your husband and mother-in-law bully you into thinking that you're a bad mother. You're doing what's best for him in the long run, which is really what this is all about. If either of them continue to give you a hard time about this, buy them some earplugs, or send them out on the porch so they don't have to hear it. Or if that doesn't work, then tell one of them to do it! If they had to deal with this night after night, as you're doing, they might be singing a whole different tune!

YOU are his mother...YOU carried him inside you, YOU gave birth to him, and YOU know what's best for him, so you need to do this in order for him to have healthy sleeping habits when he's older. It may seem cruel, but his learning to go to sleep independently is a part of growing up, and the sooner he learns that someone isn't going to give in to him every time he cries, the more independent he will be as he grows up, which is a good thing.

I would try this again, just as I explained it above, and I would be willing to bet that he will be going to sleep, on his own, with no screaming, within 3 weeks.

Good luck....letting him cry it out will probably be one of the hardest things you ever had to do, but try to remember that you're doing what's best for him in the long run, which is really what being a mother is all about! Being a mother isn't always easy, but the hard things that you have to do are usually what make the most difference in his growing up to be an independent, healthy and happy child.

P.S. My daughter-in-law went through this with her son, as well, a short time ago, and within 2 weeks he was going to sleep on his own, so I know this works!

D.

Around 10 months it started o be such a HUGE ordeal to get my daughter to take 2 naps. And she also wasn't sleeping through the night. I decided to skip the morning nap and just go for 1 nap a day. I would try and keep her up as long as possible in the morning, usually until after lunch. The first couple weeks we sometimes had to eat lunch a little earlier because she would be ready for a nap at like 11:30 or 12. She would sleep for 2 or 3 hours and it was wonderful.

As for the night time stuff. I am not a cry it out person either, but when she turned 1 and she still wasn't sleeping through the night I decided it was time for her to figure it out on her own. She was still nursing herself to sleep and then she would wake up and it would be a 2 hour ordeal in the middle of the night to get her to go back to sleep. I finally had enough! The first night I put her in her crib awake she cried for about a half hour and then she fell asleep and slept through the night! The next night it was like 20 minutes and by the third night there was no crying at all. My husband was all for the ferber method and I was the one who was resistant. If it's getting too difficult for you maybe your husband should do some of the overnight duty. That may change his mind :)

Whatever you decide good luck and I am wishing you a good night's sleep soon!

I have a feeling that CIO is not working because your husband is not letting you do it correctly. There really is only one way to do it if it's going to work. It's:

say goodnight, cry for 5 minutes then go in for 30 seconds to soothe without picking up and then leave for 10 minutes, go back and soothe for 30 seconds without picking up and then leave for 15 minutes, etc. It can take up to an hour the first day but you have to do it correctly. Tell your hubby to go for a walk and do it yourself. After all, you are the one sleeping on the floor and not geting any rest. So unles he wants to start camping out - he needs to get on board and suck it up. No baby will die from crying.

Also - a friend of mine swore by the Baby Wisperer book. You can try that!

Also, a 3:30 nap and a 7:30 bedtime is too close together. Try giving him one nap at noon. This is what routinely happens at 1 year. He'll get tired at 11:30 but keep him entertained, feed him lunch and put him down. It will make him sleep better at 7:30. Sounds like he may just not be too tired since he's had a recent nap!

Good luck!

This might not help much, but I agree with your hubby. Crying it out wasn't an option for us, but then we chose to co-sleep. This doesn't work for everyone, but it does for us. Crying it out may work, but finding a more gentle approach is worth a try. A big dark room by yourself can be scary for a little guy. I think he was almost 2 when I decided to just give independent sleep a try. It's nice to have to not have a 1.5 yr old foot by your head lol. He was totally fine with it. I thought the transition would be hell, but thankfully it wasn't. He sleeps in his bed for most of the night then will come to our room in the middle of the night. He has had many full nights on his own though. We pretty much have an open door policy. If he needs us, we are there.

Co-sleeping again isn't for everyone and there are safety issues that you should be aware of but they are pretty obvious like don't co sleep if you have been drinking or on drugs or are obese. I would suggest going on mothering.com and go onto their discussion area. You'll find an area for the family bed and night time parenting. There's a ton of really helpful info. Maybe there you can find a variation of co-sleeping that is more comfortable for everyone than your present one.

Also a side note: all kids are not fans of co-sleeping either. Some kids need more holding and hugs while others prefer their space. I think you've gotta feel each one out. My next one may not want to co-sleep and that's absolutely fine by me! lol I will miss the cuddling though.

One more thing. Would 1 hour later bed time work? Here's our routine for independent sleep: When I put him to bed, we do the usual, bath, change and a few books. I shut off the light and leave the hallway light on to read to him. Probably not great for my eyes lol. I rub his head and play with his hair softly (I love facials and getting my hair washed so maybe that's where that comes from) while I read and I keep my voice slow and low as I read. I don't use the usual enthusiasm for night time reading. On tough nights, when I've had enough reading I hum or sing songs and maybe rub his back. Bedtime favorites goodnight moon, which is great but I have to read it like 10 times b/c it's so darn short and 2 stories Curious George stories from one of their treasuries. I'd say 20 minutes is the avg time, but there have been a few horrible 45 minute sessions. We all have our days I suppose.

Every family needs to do what fits their family's needs the best. This is what has worked for ours. Sorry for the long winded response. I hope something here was helpful. Best of luck to you and your family on getting some sleep!

First of all, it sounds like you are the one putting the baby to sleep ALL the time. Put your food down and tell them, if they have a better idea than letting him cry it out, let them do it themselves! Seriously... let your husband put the baby to bed for atleast a week so they know what you go through...(do they really thinking rocking him into toddlerhood and beyond is the best method for you and your child?) If your husband isn't able to put the baby to sleep because he is at work, then you have the right to do it your way for your sanity (and the wellbeing of your child, he needs to learn to soothe himself and fall asleep on his own)! Also, both my kids went to one nap at around age one. My 17 month old started napping right after lunch around that age... he really wasn't tired enough for 2 naps, and if he took 2, he would go to bed later. Maybe try one nap around noon... you might have to put him to bed a little earlier for a while (maybe 7:00) until he ajusts.
Good luck!

Hey C.,

If he is giving you that much of a hard time going down for naps then I would try to just put him down for one nap a day. I would give him his lunch and then put him down for his nap. I think a 3:30 nap for his age may be to late for him to go back to sleep by 7:30. My son slept from 7-7 with a 2 hour nap and my daughter slept from 9:30-7:30 with about a 45 minute nap. She was never cranky she just didn't require as much sleep as my son did and still does (he's 24 LOL). Do you have a routine such as dinner, bath, story, and bedtime so he can wind down. Children thrive on consistency so a regular routine is key. Have you tried a revised version of cry it out where you do not actually leave the room just sit in a chair so he can see you and just keep using key words like night night time, rub his back, sing him songs, just don't take him out of his crib. Each night move the chair closer to the door until you are out of the room and he is sleeping alone. Sleep training is a process and if your husband is not on board then this can be a problem. When my daughter was a baby she had constant ear infections so once she had tubes put in her ears and I knew she was no longer in pain I like you was at my wits end. For the first year of her life I did everything but stand on my head to get her to sleep. Car rides, walk her inside with the stroller until she fell asleep etc. I was so sleep deprived that I did cry it our at a year old as well. My husband however was on board with me and was a great source of support when I wanted to give in. If you are the one who is responsible for getting him to sleep then I would tell hubby and his mom to get some ear plugs. Cry it out is difficult and heart breaking but I am a firm believer in teaching our children to self soothe. To me it is a gift to teach your child to sleep alone not a punishment. I did it with both of my kids and in three nights I had a sleeping child. I never left them for more then five minutes. I would go in let them see me lay them back down say night night mommy loves you and leave the room again. I would do this until they fell asleep. I didn't just put them in their cribs and let them cry for hours. By going in every five minutes laying them back down saying night night all you are doing is teaching them that you have not abandoned them but it is time for them to go to sleep. The first night it went on for an hour, the next night half hour the third night maybe 10 minutes and by night four no tears at all. If you pick them up during the process you are only sending the message that the longer he cries you will eventually give in which is why I think it hasn't worked for him. I now you don't want to hear this but short of just letting him sleep with you I really don't know any other way. Have you tried the book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" many of the mom's here have said that works well for them. Good luck to you I know how you feel and I hope you get some good sleep soon.

I agree with those who said to cut out one nap. But I think you should start having your husband put him down for bed at night. If he's the one against letting your son cry it out, and is willing to undermine your parental authority in the matter, then he's the one who should figure out what the alternative is.

When we went through this with our son, my husband always did the nighttime routine (after I spent 2 nights in the hospital when our son was 10 months old). So I started putting him to bed and he did not fuss nearly as much for me as he had for my husband. We were able to get him to sleep by himself within a few weeks. He is 6-1/2 now and never gives us any trouble--pjs, toothbrushing, reading, singing, goodnight!

Dear C.,
I hear you. I'll tell you what I did if you are interested, but it may or may not work for you. I have 5 kids, ages almost 12, 10, 7 1/2 and 3 1/2. They all slept with me. The baby still does. I nursed them to sleep or nap or the fell asleep in a stroller after some exhausting time at the playground. The reason they slept in my bed is because this low quality sleep for me is better then no sleep at all. Eventually, around age 2 they all left my bed - voluntarily. Sometimes 3 1/2 year old still comes, especially if he is sick. Trust me, they all grow out of it. Besides, reasoning with a 2 year old is much easier then with a 12 months old.
On the other hand, if your husband is against letting the child cry it out, let him parent your son to sleep.
My kids NEVER cried themselves to sleep - not for the lack of trying, either. I let each of them scream, sometimes for 30-60 min. It took that amount of time + more time for them to calm down after the fit. Then I could start putting them to sleep. So that's the reason they slept with me.

Read, "the No-cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley

Dear C. - OH do I understand!! We just recently started getting our 13 month old daughter to sleep thru the night. From the time she was born to about two weeks ago, she NEVER once slept thru the night. I know you said you didn't want any cry it out emails but thought I'd give you my thoughts anyway.

Our daughter would ONLY fall asleep with us holding her or patting her back then, once she was asleep we could move her to her crib... praying that she didn't wake up - the fun would start all over again. We have two older children (who we are always worried about waking with her crying)and both work full time so, needless to say, we NEEDED our sleep. Honestly, we just got fed up. I brought Lauren upstairs to her room, rocked her in the rocker for a few minutes (singing her a lullaby) then said good night and put her in her crib. She cried, but I didn't go back to her, nor did my husband. She fell asleep within 5 minutes. We've been doing this now for the past two weeks... she still cries a bit, but it's not for long. We also don't get her at night - we know she's not hungry - it's just a habit. We do listen and would check if there was a prolonged or diff type of cry, but we haven't heard a peep out of her yet!

With the Furber, since your son is used to you being there, going back after he cries for a few minutes is not going to soothe him... it may even make him more upset, especially since he's older now and may be starting to experience separation anxiety anyway. Sleep deprivation is not healthy for anyone and sooner or later your son will need to learn how to self soothe.

I would talk it over with your husband. You need his support to find a mutually beneficial solution for all of you. I appreciate that your MIL doesn't like the baby crying, but it's your and your husbands child. Get a fan for her room or put a fan in your son's room to muffle the crying or turn off / down the monitor.

I wish you the best of luck!

C.,
What may be happening with Benjamin is that he does not play in his room and only sees it as a play that is not fun. If this in fact is the case then you can try letting him play more in his room so that it becomes an enjoyable place to be even when it is time for bed. The other thing is during the day I would lay on the couch, shut off the phone, T.V., etc. and place a blanket on the floor for him to either lay with you, by himself, or have him lay on the couch with you for some "quiet time." This is what we did with our son and it worked wonders. Something else to consider is he may be ready to cut out one of the naps as this is the age some kids start to do so. One other thing tell your husband and mother-in-law that a little crying is good for his lungs. Hope these ideas help.
Hugs,
T.

I know you feel like you're in hell right now--I remember the feeling! I ran on 2 hrs of sleep a night with my middle guy for over a year and a half.

I have come to realize that each baby/child is different and has different needs. CIO is not right for every parent, nor will it work--even if done "correctly"--for every child. I had one perfect sleeper, one who never slept or napped, believe it or not, until he was two, and a third who was a perfect sleeper UNTIL he was two. For the last year and a half, sometimes he needs me or his daddy to lay down with.

I tried absolutely everything and then resorted to CIO the with the middle one (who never slept, and like yours had issues--reflux, extrasensory, etc.), even though it was against everything I believed in. And it didn't work. He screamed and sobbed for 3 hours and then fell asleep. Sitting up. :( I still feel horrible about it and he is almost six!! We just decided to stop fighting against nature and rocked him to sleep until he didn't need that anymore. Then we layed down with him until he didn't need that anymore.

Of course he grew out of it. He's actually a great sleeper now--first of all the kids to go up to bed. He just needed me more than the others did at that age, and the third one is starting to outgrow "needing" me that way too. No one goes to college needing to be rocked to sleep. This too shall pass.

No advice, your not alone. My just 10 month old (tomorrow) has to be put down sleeping or ready to, then holds your hand until he is asleep. That only lasts for a few hours. We have a bed in his room and recently stopped brining him in our bed and started taking turns (mostly me) sleeping in the bed in his room with him. He sleeps much more soundly.

I thought it was our mattress, so I bought and cut to size a memory foam topper to trick him into thinking it was our bed, tied my shirt I wore that day on the rails....nothing works.

My first son was perfect in everyway...this one is too except for the sleep thing, he just requires physical contact.

We too attempted the cry it out, but it did not work and neither of us could take it for very long. We also have a 4 year old and we work very long hours, it just works better for us to not interrupt our nights anymore.

I bought TWO books "the no cry sleep solution" and happy baby, happy sleep-whatever it is called. Neither have given any real suggestions that work for us.

I do have to say though that if you are willing to do the cry it out method and your husband is not then HE needs to get involved in the bed time routine and/or sleep on the floor mattress like you do. He can't dictate your methods if he is not willing to put himself through the consequences of doing nothing!

Have him call me if he has an issue with that, I will set him straight!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD LUCK!

At around 12 months old, I would suggest you transition your son to one nap during the day. Feed him lunch at 11:30 and put him down around noon.

Also, babies wake up through the night, if he knows it's OK that mommy's not around, he'll put himself to sleep. That's the key, for him to 'put himself to sleep'. He will cry if you're not there because you are the crutch to get him to sleep.

I'm going to suggest a few things:
1. Have your husband start putting him to bed and dealing with the issue. He may then have a change of heart with the cry-it-out method.
2. Have your husband take his mother away for a long weekend so you can work on getting your son to learn how to sleep on his own and know that it's OK. Children are quick learners, if you do it right, it'll take only about 3-4 nights. Then voila! you'll be wishing you did it sooner!

A friend of mine has a 4 1/2 year old. Never did the cry-it-out method. They STILL have sleep issues with him. He sleeps in their bed, or they sleep in his bed and he doesn't go to bed until around 10pm. It's very difficult. They're planning on another baby - it's going to be very difficult to waste time getting older child to bed and tending to the infant.

Good luck!
J.

There are several other methods out there which I don't have time to write about now - hopefully other respondents will tell you about them - but I do want to say that if your child is yawning, lying on the floor, and cranky, it is because you have waited TOO LATE to put him down, which is why it is harder for him to go to sleep. Start putting him down about 15 minutes earlier for a few days, then another 15 minutes earlier so that his naps are a 1/2 hour earlier than before - that is probably when he is just starting to get tired. Should work out better without changing anything else. Good luck.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is incredibly stressful. We used the cry-it-out method when my son was 8 months old. It took literally 4 nights and it was over! One night he literally cried and screamed for thirty minutes and threw things out of his crib. Now... he will point to his crib when he's ready for "a night-night" and will go down drowsy and pretty happily. It's very difficult, but it does work.

Just a thought... can you talk with your husband and ask him AND his mother (whose opinion really doesn't count in this one) to go away for a long weekend? Give yourself three or four nights with nothing scheduled so you can focus on teaching him to calm himself.

I would also suggest removing "stimulating" items from his view- mobile, toys, etc and possibly replacing them with a soother. We have the Fisher Price Rainforest soother and my son loves it! If he wakes-up in the middle of the night, he will crawl over and turn it on himself.

This is a conversation that you need to have openly and honsetly with your husband. Explain how frustrated you are and how this situation is going to impact your relationship with him- you are sleeping in your son's room! In the long-run your son needs to know how to soothe himself without you there or you are going to have a very rough time.

Both my kids at around age 1 started only needing one nap instead of two, so it may be that if he is sleeping as late as 3.30 in the afternoon then he is not tired for a 7.30 bedtime. Why not try one nap after lunch and see if that helps?
If your husband and mother-in-law are calling the shots as far as how you deal with this problem, then why are they not the ones sitting with your child for hours trying to get him to sleep?? It seems to me that if you bear the brunt of dealing with what sounds like a nightmare, then you should have the final say in how best to deal with this.
Have you tried having someone other than you settle him at night? Get your husband to do it and you might consider going out so that no-one can cave in and make you do it again! Maybe if he had to sit there night after night getting exhausted he would change his mind.
I do agree with your other reply that teaching a baby to put themselves to sleep at night is not cruel, it is a useful life lesson which will stand them in good stead all their life.
It is much easier if you do it young - you start at birth, making sure you put them to bed AWAKE but not hungry and they fall asleep on their own from the start. Also, one thing I did with my second daughter was to feed her and then put her in her crib with some classical music on low and an interesting mobile to look at, and then she would fall asleep naturally when she was ready. If you start with these habits then you never need to do the cry it out thing.
But from where you are now, you need to stop doing what you are doing or it will only get worse as he gets older. Cry it out is the only thing which will work given that you have already done all the "softer" things.
Have a family talk about how desperate you are, and how your husband and mother-in-law's views are preventing you from doing the only thing which will actually work in this situation.
I have a friend who did not believe in her kids learning to settle themselves and always cuddled and soothed them to sleep all through the toddler years. They are now aged 7 and almost ten, and they are STILL not good sleepers - they are up late into the evening and the older one has to read in bed for hours til she finally drops off. They are in school and they need more sleep than they get, and I firmly believe that if they had learned good routines and sleep habits as babies and toddlers they would be much better off now.
Good lcuk. I really feel for you - it is very draining being that tired.

C.... I hear you. I've been there. You said you would like a "normal" child. Ben sounds perfectly normal to me. There's nothing wrong with having to "parent" your child to sleep...be it with rocking, nursing, lying down next to him, etc. That to me is normal. A baby who can lie down and soothe himself to sleep is definitely not the norm. There 100s of sleep books, websites, "experts", lovies, lullabies, light up crib thingies to prove that most babies need help getting to sleep.
I believe that babies instictively want to be next to their moms when they sleep...Especially at night. My son is 15 months old and has slept with us most of his life. I struggled like you to get my guy to sleep in his crib and finally just gave up and did what felt more natural.... Now he falls asleep next to me in bed and I transfer him into crib until he wakes around 11-12 at which time I take him into bed with me until he wakes at 6am.

Rather than sleeping on a mattress next to him and making yourself uncomfortable, why not just bring him into bed?

C.-
i struggled with sleep with my boy who is a twin and i ended up using ferber and it worked. my advice is this. try keeping the door open or a light on until he falls asleep--maybe he is afraid of the dark. I would also make your husband put him to bed (sleep) on the mattress etc if he feels so strongly about it. you are the one getting the brunt of the punishment here. good luck!
you could try cutting down the napping--cut then short or drop one all together. he'll be fussy for a week or two but it might help.

Since your husband is soooo against letting him cry - Let HIM get the baby to sleep. Perhaps a few nights of HIM (instead of you) not sleeping will change his tune.

C.,
I understand once you have tried the CIO and now when Ben cries - you are upset.

I used a swing. Nope, not supposed to, but you know what? He outgrew it. Worked like a charm for about 4-5 months. (he decided it was too hot and fell asleep in his pack and play after that).

I would advise other things, but I am going to guess that along with not allowing Ben to cry it out, Your Mom and Husband are averse to him sleeping with you two. THAT would make more sense. He wants more comfort from you being there. Again, it won't last forever, no matter what anyone tells you. (Dr. Sears, attachment parenting book, $11).

Your routine is great - except the parts that Ben objects to. My thoughts? Don't *make* him do anything.

Add a song or two to help him remember to calm down and unwind. We use a song I'm guessing comes from the Waldorf tradition - "now it's time to put our toys away/we will play another day". We use it before naptime, and we use it before bed - not consistently, but mostly now when he has a hard time just calming down. It's a great association for him - a soft song that reminds him there are other days to play in.

I rocked him until he didn't want it anymore. I sang to him, same thing. Soon he will go on his own and he won't need me to get to sleep. It'll happen. I can't say I look forward to it - he might be my only baby.

Good luck, and I wish Benjamin happy dreams,
M.

My daughter is 11 months old and I've been struggling with the sleeping thing myself for months. She normally goes down right away, but not always, and still doesn't sleep through the night. I've tried various things, and have finally come to the conclusion that the worst thing to do is stress and spend hours "trying" to get her to sleep.

I do different things at different times, and now usually get her to go to sleep and back to sleep in short order and with very little struggling. Naps are a little harder, but night time usually is smooth.

The key is: if she goes through her normal bedtime routine and wants to play instead of sleep I LET HER. That was my big discovery. If I let her play for 10-20 minutes, and then restart the end part of her routine (basically breastfeeding), she goes right down. Sometimes she seems just needs the extra few minutes to wind down and get really sleepy.

If she seem to really not want to go to sleep, and I'm very tired, I lie down with her in our bed for about 10 minutes and she generally goes down. Every few weeks nothing works and she's up until 10 or later, but most nights she's down between 8:30 & 9:30, occasionally a little earlier, if she seems tired earlier. And the best part is that the actual routine takes only around 30-45 minutes depending on how long we do the bath and breastfeeding, and there's no stress and no crying. And she generally sleeps until somewhere between 7 & 8 AM, which is fantastic for us.

I also discovered that this seems to be one of the most written about and controversial topics in child rearing. If all those other kids were happily sleeping like angels, there wouldn't be all those books, would there?

I wandered around the library and the web, and finally found the following site by searching for "does ferberizing work?"
http://www.parentingscience.com/infant-sleep-training.html

This is a great site that talks about the actual research behind all the parenting theories. Look it over, and then DON'T stress. Your kid will not die if he doesn't sleep 15 hours a day, no matter what the books say. And you don't have to let him cry for hours and hours to get him to sleep. I think it is a vicious circle, because you are making the whole sleep thing a stressful experience for him, and that makes it harder for him to relax and get to sleep!

Try to look at the whole routine from his perspective, and maybe that will help you figure out the best way to get him to relax and get to bed.

Finally, I won't bore you with my various opinions on Ferberizing and crying it out, but will ask one question - if you were still having to let him cry after 2 weeks, how well was it really working?

Hi C.,

I was compelled to respond to you because my heart goes out to you and your situation. As a mom of two, and the oldest of nine kids, I learned some really good advice from my own mother as I went through this same thing (and my son was also colicky). Our babies are so smart and learn very quickly how to tug on our hear strings. Your son is depending on you to help him to relax and fall asleeep.

This is obviously taking its toll on you, and it's actually not helping him to learn how to get to sleep by himself, which is what he needs to do. Your little boy is going from ready to sleep to suddenly fascinated with everything around him because he went from really needing to sleep, to overtired and wired.

That's why, unfortunately, the cry it out method, going in every 2, 5, 7 minutes, etc., is the only way to go at this point. It is not pleasant, and I've cried along with my own children as we went through this. It takes persistance and knowing you are doing right by your son and yourself. Learning how to relax to fall asleep is a learned response and you need to help your son to teach himself.

It's too bad you also need to worry about your mother-in-law as this is unfair to you. Your son deserves a mom who can love and enjoy him. If your so stressed and tired out you will be robbing your son and yourself of enjoying each other. if you have the heart to teach your son how to get himself to sleep, you'll have to have the heart to be strong with your husband and mother-in-law for your son's sake. The longer you wait the longer it will take. Be strong and persistant because you and your son deserve to be happy, healthy - and rested!

I understand where you are coming from!! This is such a difficult issue for new parents and so many people have so many different opinions, so its really confusing! I think you can go to one nap at this point, I would say 4-5 hours after waking (that is assuming he slept well the night before). Do you have an Ocean Wonders Aquarium or similar device? You put it on the side of the crib and my son associates that with sleep. I put it on when I lay him down and he can turn it on himself if he wakes up at night and needs a light and some music. I don't think Ferber works for everyone and its soooo traumatic for the moms. I tried it for like 15 minutes and it was not for us. A little crying is ok, but not hours. Do you still nurse? That works really really well. At his age he can still get a bottle before bed if you don't nurse. If I put my son down and he is not drowsy, I turn on the music and keep my hand on his chest. No playing, smiling, ect. If he tries to flip over then I know he's not really tired. I keep my hand on there until he is in light sleep then I leave. Also, I think your bedtime is too early. I don't know when you guys wake up, but at his age, he only really needs 10-12 hours a night. My son goes to bed at 10:30 and we all get up between 8:30 and 9:30. Now remember, if he's sick or teething, all this is MUCH harder. Good luck!

C.-did you read Dr. Ferber's book? I read an interview he did where he states that people who equate his name with "cry it out" have only read a small portion of the book. I have it and am reading it because we also have similar problems with getting our son to sleep in his crib.

I agree with the other posts about his nap times. At this age they usually phase out a nap themselves. Our son usually naps anywhere from 3-4 hours after he wakes up, naps for 1.5-2 hours (sometimes longer, sometimes shorter) and is ready for bed around 10:00. Eventually we will get that bedtime moved up, but as I am home with him now, he is able to sleep until 10 am.

If you haven't read Dr. Ferber's book, I suggest doing so-maybe he has other suggestions that could help you and your situation. Good luck!

I have three items for sleeptime:
1) play some light baby sleep music
2) turtle nightlight:shines the stars on the ceiling.
3) Let them grab and rub their favorite blanket on their own cheek.......
Sometimes, I see their eyes drift off to sleep with the first stroke of the blanket on their cheek, like magic... ..... if that doesn't work, it's because they want more food.. and then they're out cold.
I have a toddler and infant twins(boy/girl). all three are very different, and my infant daughter was impossible to get to sleep.
I pushed this pattern with her too and it works! I just believe that giving them something simple and soothing to focus on will help relax all that baby-brain activity.....so they can fall asleep.
My toddler(2yro old) recently started fighting the going to bed routine.... now it looks like if I tuck him in with his stuffed animal too ... he's done for the night.
Good luck!!

I read this the other day and have been pondering since...

It's taken a year for your child's sleep habits to develop. You can suddenly expect them to change over night.

He doesn't understand WHY you want to change things. They work just fine for him and as far as he knows they've always worked fine for you.

I'll be honest and say I don't agree with CIO at all. I do think that it works with some children at some stages, but I also think you have to catch it at just the right time.

The reason CIO doesn't work is because your son doesn't understand what you're asking from him. He doesn't understand lay down and go to sleep.

I think what would work best is to start small. Don't expect things to take a night or a week. I think to get really good habits out of your son you need small steps. (One thing I have heard with CIO is that you have to do it every time there is an upset to baby's sleeping schedule, ie teeth, sickness, etc).

There's no magic bullet to make him sleep better it's going to take consistancy on your and YOUR HUSBAND's part.

As for the naps, my son went through a hellish nap period right around 1 yo. He still needed the 2 naps, but if he took 2 full naps bedtime was a nightmare. I'd say it took about a month of messed up naps/bedtime for him to be down to 1 nap/day.

My daughter was also colicky up past 9 months and I can completely understand where u r coming from. We tried the Ferber method as well, but she would end up crying so hard she'd vomit. It was horrible & the advice we were given along the way about not letting her sleep w/us, let her cry, close the door - it wasn't worth much at all which only made me feel worse as a mother. I remember sitting outside on our front steps & telling my husband that our daughter hated me - she just wouldn't stop. The pediatrician told me outright that they had never seen a child w/this extent of it so we had to unfortunately ride it out. I'm sorry I can't offer you anything positive that will help end this for you, but just know that if you need anyone to talk to I'm here. Good luck!

We had almost the same problem. My Ben would go to sleep for a couple of hours and then wake up, we tried everything..all we got was a family of fustration. I gave in and realized that about 1/2 hour of interupted sleep was easier than being up for hours and feeling useless as a mother - our pediatrician agreed with us and asked if we do not have a problem with him sleeping with us then do what works for us..before you know it they are 6-7 and asking you not to hug them in front of their friends and sleeping with you - don't even think about it. We figured that he just needed a little extra comfort....he is still a hugger - but on his terms. Now his sister is completley opposite - when she is tired she just wants to be put to bed and left alone..go figure. Good luck, but most of all enjoy the cuddle time while you have it!!

hey
i can help.
for my son's recent 11 month birthday, i got him to cry it out. if you want more info, i'll share it gladly--now that he sleeps, i am a new woman. i feel that he can conquer the world.

my first one never slept.
gave up nap at age 1. so i hear you girl
but read, and we can chat if you wanna know more.

read this:
http://melissaski.wordpress.com/2009/06/30/621/

HI C.
It is my experience that no children are the perfect ones we dream about, or hope they will be. They are just people just like you. They are not programed to do certain things.
My first child slept like an angel through the night, but didn't nap in the day at all pretty much ever. You may have read that our younger son, never slept. It started around a year old. He required less and less sleep til 2hours in 24 was the rule. I wish it was the exception, but 2/24/7days a week. He was not fussy, and we did have reading/quiet time, but he never slept. The twins were the same following their brothers habits. The older twin sleeps about 5 hours in 24.
I brought them to the MD, and he assured me that there was no sleep deprivation in them although he could see I was.
The easiest way to live is to follow their natural schedules. No I could never have let them cry it out either. We tried that one night with our oldest, 10 minutes was all I could stand. I went to check and he had diarrhea everywhere. I felt terrible. Never let any of them cry like that again. Thinking about that mess was enough to cure me even if I thought about it.
Hope you find a solution
Hope you can find some humor in my situation
God bless you
K. SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 38, coach; 33, lawyer, married with son, and still sleeps about 2 hours in 24 but his wife says he's up with the baby and it doesn't bother her now; twins 19, sleeper decided to commute and the non sleeper lives on campus, 3.7 GPA in journalism, 3.8 GPA in Fine Arts.

Both my children were colic - acid reflux, food allergies. As a result my daughter had failure to thrive, she fell asleep only laying on someone's chest b/c laying down was uncomfortable.
I believe,you must do what works for your family and sanity. Everyone I know has sleeping issues.
What worked for my children is the heart beat bear than music, I purchased a boom box w/ a sleep setting and left the lights on. Ikea has a seahorse light that uses 3 night lights. Than we went to a dimming light ceiling fan. And routine seemed to help.
My friend put a queen bed in her kids room to put them to sleep.
Good night.

C.,
I can relate to you 100%. Please let me know how your situation turns out and what is working/not working. I am SUPER stressed about the same issue and have been reading books/blogs/websites for the last several days. I recently went back to work so my husband (who works nights and has her during the day) has been letting her cry it out during the day for naps (which hasn't worked) and he feels like I am undermining his efforts because she sleeps with me at night (and for naps when I am home). The only way to get her to go down is to nurse and let her sleep on me/next to me. I have tried everything, e.g. sneaking her in her crib after she's asleep, putting her down when she's drowsy, swings, strollers. I even got in the crib with her the other day, which worked, but of course I was stuck there!

I see some of the responses to your issue are from moms who clearly had an easier time than you and I are having. While my little girl is only 4 months old, much younger than yours, there is NO WAY she's even close to being able to put herself to sleep and I see myself being in your shoes in a few months. Please let me know how it turns out--I will be looking for your response!

I am a mom who has been through this phase with her babies. I can tell you that I tried that crying it out routine and it is something I look back on with regret. I too did anything I could to sleep when possible. I layed with them in their beds, had them in mine, let them fall asleep everynight on my chest, etc. Whatever it took. You know what I say SO WHAT!! Believe me. One day your kids will be young teens and you will wish for just one of these precious munitues to spend with them. Your son needs your closeness right now. There is nothing wrong with him or your parenting. Just go with it and don't worry when other parents tell you that their kids have the best sleeping habits because they have the "best" method. Don't even talk about it with them. Just do your own thing that's right for you and your son and enjoy these times that go by oh so fast. Bye the way- the son I did the same thing with is now entering medical school this fall. He is smart and sociable, so who's to say what's right for your kid. Your husband is right. Don't make him cry it out. He is still young and needs you.

Hi C.,

I agree with many of the other responses - I would try removing one of the naps and try putting your son down right after he eats lunch. He may not be ready to go to bed if he's taking a nap at 3:30 p.m. and it could be the very reason why you are having so much trouble getting him down.

Children need to be taught to fall asleep on their own, and you can assist him in learning how to soothe himself and settle down to sleep. Does he have a blanket or special "lovey" that he sleeps with? That may help with the nap/bedtime routine. I know my son can't sleep without his blanket. No way, no how. Keep up with the bedtime routine, and you may (unfortunately) have to let him cry a bit while you are sleep training him. It's hard, terribly hard, I know.

Or better yet, if your husband thinks he knows best, have Daddy put his little boy to bed! My husband adores that quiet time with our son and he always puts him to bed. It's their special snuggle time.

Keep your chin up! Good luck!

The only advise i can give is what you have already gotten,, except roking your 1yo to sleep is not bad,, i rocked my son until he was 3 yo even after i had my daughter they are now 2 and 4 and they have great sleeping habits.. they lay down immeiatly after lunch and fall asleep almost immediatly and both of them go to their beds when it is time to problems.. my daughter i also rocked but because i was home at night alone and had to put both to sleep she was rocked in a fisher price infant to toddler rocker i rocked it to sleep with my foot and rocked my son, than when he was gettign ready for preschool i decided it was time to stop and started reading him books in his room i sat on the floor next to his bed and then sat with him for 5 minutes(i would play soft music and tell him i was leaving befor it ended..) and now both of my children go to bed and dont get up till almost 730...
so again it is not a bad thing to sit with your 1 year old and rock to sleep.. enjoy the time to cuddle...

First thing I would do is go to one nap. 1 yr. is about
the time when they give up the morning nap. Give him an
early lunch, and then naptime. I would wait until about 12:30 to put him down. By the time he goes to bed,
he should be very tired.

I would also put the side of his crib back on. Sit by
his crib and slowly over days work your way out of the
room.

Good luck.

Dear C. is your husband and mother in law italian? Sounds like my father n law and let me tell you something i give you a lot of credit for putting up with that but the fact of the matter is you are the mother and you have to decide what works for your son if you do not do this you will have sleeping problems with him for years to come and you know what if your husband and mother in law want to rock him to sleep for the rest of his life let them but you shouldn't and can't do that. Everyone has colicky babies and everyone has difficulty getting their child to sleep but the difference between my baby and yours is that I let him cry and now hes two and a half and has slept through the night with no problems since six months. My father n law was over one night and used to come over every week and i found him one night going in when the baby was crying and rocking him to sleep i told my husband he cannot start that because that is something i will not finish. You are not doing anything wrong you are doing everything right by teaching your son to be independant that is our job as parents is to raise children up to be independant we forget that sometimes all animals and humans are their to raise their children to be independant and the first steps are now for your baby learning how to be comfortable in his own skin and comfort himself traits that he needs for life so important for him. I suggest you get outside help i.e. pediatrician etc to tell your husband and mother n law what is necessary to make this work and then just refer to the pediatrician when you have a problem tell them oh the doctor said this is what i have to do so you don't get blamed. It will only take two weeks of this crying and it should subside otherwise it may take ten years if you let it go on like that.
Good luck!
From H.

I think you need to read No Cry again. She doesn't just tell you to put a mattress on the floor. She explains step by tiny step how to get the child sleeping on their own - it was a lifesaver for us. You can skip the stuff in the beginning about sleep cycles and such, and go towards the back. She has sections on getting your nursing baby to sleep, getting your co-sleeping child to sleep, etc. I would think there might be one about getting yourself out of the room or the co-sleeping section might be right for you.

The mattress on the floor is the first step in a process. You need to now work on getting out of the room. I started with rocking to sleep while singing a particular song; then moved on to rocking til drowsy and standing up and swaying to sleep; then to rocking, swaying and lying into crib right as she was asleep; etc; etc - until it got to the point I was able to put her down awake - then I worked on moving toward the door. It was a long process - 5-6 weeks maybe? But now she says 'my bed' after I read her story, she lays down and says 'good night, mommy' and I walk out of the room not to go back in until morning.

Aldo, I would think a 3:30 nap would really mess up a 7:30 bedtime - no way he's tired enough for bed at that point. My daughter transitioned to one nap around 1 year. I would just try to do something fun around 11, so that I could hold off getting her into her crib until noon. Then I'd again try to do something really fun in her cranky afternoon time, and in about a week she was perfectly fine with one nap.