Dealing with Differing Views on Race

Newsweek did an excellent article recently (maybe last year) about kids and racial perceptions. It said that we need to speak with children more explicitly about race issues and acceptance. We can't just say things like "everyone is equal" or "we should treat everyone with respect" because they will have no idea what we are talking about. By talking in generalities we imply to kids that skin color and ethnic background are something that is forbidden to speak about. It's hard for those of us trying to cultivate a color blind society to get used to, but the fact is that kids do notice that different people have different colored skin and we need to be up front about it.

Here's the link to the article: http://www.newsweek.com/id/214989

Four your four year old I would suggest that you actively seek out the wonderful preschool videos available today that reflect diversity and friendship with everyone. Let your child see these, talk to him or her about it being great that people of every color can and should be friends, and even more importantly mirror the behavior you what to instill.

Your work with the older kids is going to be tougher. You have your work cut out for you. It sounds like the other parents have already instilled their prejudice in them (how did the mom ever date let alone have three kids with thier dad????). If talking to the mom is not an option then you have to be more vigilant with the kids. When they make inappropriate comments in front of you, be sure to nicely tell them that you understand they are basically repeating what they have heard but they won't hear that from you or dad and you don't want it said or acted upon in your home or in front of their siblings.

Dad should take the opportunity to explain his (and that side of their) race and as a family you should explore the heritage. The best way to combat ignorance is with knowledge!...Not saying anyone here is ignorant :)

It doesn't seem like you can do much more than you already did. Kudos to you for addressing the issue at all! It's unfortunate, but I am confident the children will change their habits once they are out in the REAL world and encounter people of different ethnicities and races. They will learn to embrace all of their heritage. If you really want to try to get them to be more enlightened, you can get history or biographies from the library and leave them around the house so that when they visit, they can learn more about all of the fascinating people that shaped this nation. Fun projects are also genealogy studies/family trees. Once they learn about all of their ancestors, they might have more respect for all of the beautiful diversity within their family. When we do not know our history and are not allowed to mingle with others, we assume the lies and stereotypes are truth. They will learn in time as they work with others, go to school with others, or have to serve others that we're all more alike than different. It's a sad situation, but unless they are with you, it's hard to combat the evil that is racism.

Updated

I forgot to add that, as you live in Washington, DC area, there are tons of museums that have programs around different themes. May is Asian-Pacific Heritage Month, so there are quite a few programs celebrating the culture. Most are free! The Smithsonian is really good about including diverse programs and might be a fun activity you can do without being so obvious in attempts to counteract the negativity they currently endure. May 9-16 is European Union nations Passport week, also, and you can visit different embassies.... Seeing the beauty of what we all contribute might help.

the child may have been trying to see what you thought on the issue,
so she said something that she thought might start the conversation.
children do that. talking about race is not the elephant in the room that it was when i was a kid.. yes, i am that old..deal.
if your in laws dont want to deal with non whites, then thats their right
doesnt make it right, or wrong, for that matter, just the way some people are.asking someone to step outside of their comfort zone is not a good ideal,without their ok first.and, no i am not all white, i am native american and scot-irish.
K. h.

You just have to show and tell by your own positive example! I remember when I was a little girl we would go visit my grandfather. Now- my grandfather would ABSOLUTELY not have considered himself a racist. He had served in WW2 in the Navy with black men and often spoke fondly of his comrades and what hard workers they were, great guys, etc. BUT- he thought NOTHING of using the 'N' word, making totally racist statements about 'ghetto babies' etc.!!!

Whenever we went to visit, in the car on the way, my mom would give my brother and I a little talk. She would say that grandpa used words that we should NEVER repeat and if we had a question about them we should ask her later on the way home. She said that we love grandpa and we respect him- but that does not mean we agree with everything he says or thinks.

She always made it perfectly clear that loving and respecting him as our grandfather was a totally separate thing from buying into everything he said! I learned that lesson as a child and it still holds true for me in difficult situations (political disagreements within the family, etc).

Maybe you can talk to your stepkids in that way- the way that the other part of their family views the world is just ONE way of looking at it. You don't agree with it.

It doesn't mean you are telling them not to love or respect their mom or other stepparent, but it does mean that you will not tolerate bigotry in your own household. They need to really grow up and look at both ways of thinking and when they are a little older, hopefully they will see the right path in YOUR good example!

You could also help them by looking at their family tree or yours or most peoples- hardly anyone is just all one thing anymore! Most of us are 'mutts' and are proud of ALL of our various heritages! It's a good thing to have so many wonderful cultures and traditions, etc. Try to emphasize all the positives to them of these various backgrounds and hopefully as they get older, they will just appreciate it even more.

I have a son with a great stepdad- good for you for trying to do your part to raise these kids right! Good luck!

Just keep educating the kids yourself. You can do a lot to fight against prejudice and ensure their self-esteem. Also educate your 4 year old.

You don't have to say a lot or make a big deal about it -- if you are racially tolerant, and model that, your child(ren) will grow up the same. Use daily opportunities that present themselves to explain to the children that people are all the same.

You're right that there's not a lot you can do about what is said and observed in another home, but when they're in YOUR home, you can do exactly what you did -nicely and easily offer them a better route to take by saying things like, "Hey -you're old enough to know who you should be friends with -the people you like who like you and you enjoy being around. You know, it doesn't really matter if they're "brown" or "black" or whatever." I have to say, I grew up in a VERY segregated society and quite a bit of racist and prejudiced ideas and behaviour and being around people who pointed out the obvious (like it not really mattering what race some one is as long as they're a nice person) and seeing tv shows and movies where different types of people mixed together and were friends made me NOT be a racist. I never felt that way, so you CAN reach these kids even if they're not with you all the time. They'll always remember a really nice person who made them feel comfortable and at home, and that will go a LONG way when they get even older and really start making all of their own decisions.

there's a very interesting chapter on race and teaching your kids about race in Nurture Shock (http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Chi..., which is a fascinating book unto itself, so you may want to check it out.

Other than that, just be open: people have different skin colors, it has nothing to do with what's underneath, it has to do with where their ancestors are from and how they developed over time in response to differing climates. there are good and bad, industrious and lazy, etc. etc. people of all races, no race is better than any other, and limiting yourself to one race means limiting your opportunities to learn new things about yourself and your world, not to mention the opportunity to make a good friend. repeat these facts as often as possible. talk about it. I wouldn't condemn the mother and step-father, of course, but you can point out that limiting themselves to being friends only with white people is just that: limiting. it's closed and ultimately hurts only themselves. I wouldn't even engage with the ex on this issue, just show the kids, through words and actions, that their racism isn't the only way to view things (without, of course, overtly calling the ex a racist....).

good luck.

Wow! What truly horrible people!

If your stepkids don't live with you, there probably isn't much you can do to influence them. You should always model tolerant behavior. Call them on any racist or hateful comments and explain that you don't talk like that in your family, and why it's wrong and offensive. Your own child will grow up with your values, though, in spite of what he hears from his (her?) half siblings.

I've got a similar situation, though not nearly as nasty. My stepkids are being raised "classist" rather than racist by their mother. For example, I once overheard my eldest stepdaughter explaining to my daughter that "poor people are only poor because they're too lazy to work." I took her aside afterwards and "de-briefed" her -- letting her know that her stepsister's opinion was wrong, and gave her information and facts she could use in the future to counter such hateful generalizations. In spite of being around these kids, my daughter very much mirrors my values, and is growing up very open minded and compassionate.

I wish you, and especially those kids, the best of luck.

i will pray for your ex. and kids. I don't know how to answer this other than people shouldnt be judged by skin color. now blacks are actually black and white mix so does that make them black or white???? it makes them both. My dad was racist and some of my best friends are black and I pray they don't think Im racist but I am sure if they did they wouldnt be my friend. I am part indian with the indian complexion but my brother is pale white does that make him more white than me. we both had the same parents. just because parents are racist doesn't necessarily mean the kids will be.