Question About School and Race...

Have you thought that it might not be her? When I was in the white minority at a school I was in many of the others did not even bother to learn my name, I was just "that white girl". It could be that she is being separated by the others for being white, and not that she is treating them different because they are not. In fact, it is more likely this, because this kind of "reverse racism" as some call it is becoming more and more the norm. (I hate that term, I think racism is racism, but it is the term many use for whites being treated poorly for being white)

Does the class or school do anything for 'diversity bridging'? My son's school is very diverse and there are a lot of events, assignments, conversations etc that are geared towards understanding and interacting with different races, religions and backgrounds.

Also, I would have non-judgemental conversations with her for more specifics about what it is she doesn't like. Maybe she needs help interpreting things, making her needs clear (and politely doing so), lumping actions into a racial segment, etc. The other kids may or may not be talking or acting well, but finding out what is the issue is the first step in resolving it. If some kids are acting badly, the school should also help. Who knows, maybe she's being bullied but doesn't realize it.

Oh my! For some reason children know when someone looks different from them (skin color, height, weight, hair, etc.). This is something that I can't explain myself. My daughter does notice race as well. We are the most diverse family (my husband is Indian, I am Mexican, and my daughter is German-Irish-Mexican) so race is out of the question. We really don't think about it. My daughter has said things that get my attention, such as, "(husbands name) is dark, Mami is brown, and I'm white." She has also said "I like to be white, and (child's name) is dark." She attends a daycare that is 20% white and 80% other races (mostly Indian). I don't know if racism is embeded in out DNA (I know crazy thought) but I wonder about this as well. She loves everyone and plays with any kid. We live in a "nicer" neighborhood than my parents. She plays with kids at both. I am more concerned about the habits/manners she can pick up from other kids, rather than the color of their skin.

I think she was being very open about saying she doesn't like how they talk and act...because there can be a REAL difference. She is feeling the pitfalls of being a minority...try to help her somehow Mom.

Poor kid. Don't be mad at her. She is expressing herself to you openly and honestly. If I were you, I would try to take her feelings into account when you talk with her more and maybe even consider a change of school?

~I was one of only a couple white kids in school growing up in CA. I was always just "the white girl" too. It can be hard to be singled out no matter what your skin color/weight/sex is. Racism is real and still alive all around us, it just is. And the way children perceive it is startling but should tell us something. It is just human nature to gravitate towards the familiar and away from the unfamiliar. The kids in her class are probably doing this and your daughter is feeling left out/singled out/or made to feel different somehow.

Wow, I am really shocked at some of the responses to this question. I do not believe you are racist or teach your daughter to be racist. I am an African American woman not "colored" like someone referred to in their response. Also, I was NEVER raised with hostility towards white people like CherryJam stated. Clearly you should not categorize all African Americans as the same. This was your statement "Besides, yes there are the issues of different values, talking, clothes, hand gestures...etc. that your daughter finds distastefull because you did a fine job raising her." I'm sorry this statement clearly shows you have issues with as you all say...black people. The values I was raised with and the values I raise my daughter with is respect, love and to be kind to everyone. She has no way of talking, her clothes are purchased from the same store as "white people" her hand gestures are no different then any child her age, and she has ALWAYS had straight A's. So I know I raise her very well! I find it really sad that people still say these things. And also to Margie M. who made this very thoughtful statement "Her friends have black, kinky hiar and wear braids. She doesn't. They all have dark skin, she doesn't. Their eyes are different, they ALL are similar to each other, she is different." You really are racist. I'm sorry I don't have dark kinky hair, I don't have dark skin, and I don't have braids. My eyes open up and look just like any other persons eyes! Normally I would just write off some of the ignorant comments I have seen, but I feel like I needed to speak up and stop allowing people to be so disrespectful! I wish you all the best in your life and I hope you all learn that you don't have to be rude, mean and ignorant to ANY OTHER RACE OR CULTURE! Please grow up and be respectful and teach your kids to all be respectful!

Something must be going on that she is not telling you or the teacher. Like Jen C said, she may be left out or being treated unfairly. This happens in all situations. White, black, fat, skinny, tall, short, blonde, burnette, etc, I could go on for days. People definitely should not be offended by the post, but who knows. If she were the only red head in the class, she would get teased for that. I have always been on the heavier side and was teased growing up for that too...it defninitely makes some people feel out of place when they are the "only one" of anything. For example, my husband is black and when we go to his family reunions or at least 50-60 people, I am the only white one there. A few are what I term "ghetto" but most are the same as me, just darker skin :o). I feel uncomfortable around the people who are "ghetto" if my husband is not around. Do you want 16 and Pregnant on MTV? A recent interracial couple was on and she was not very "ghetto" but he was, and he's the white guy. Just showing it can come from both sides. But yea, I would try to find out more of what is going on if you can. If not, moving schools might be something to look in to.

Just to add...I was having lunch with my daughter last year (she is mixed) and a little boy name Deovy was sitting next to me on the other side (black). He proceeded to ask me if I knew what a foster home was and that white people were bad. He obviously was treated poorly, but did not think I was white. Kind of goes to show how kids see things. (I am as white as they come as far as my skin tone!! haha)

She is totally allowed to have a preference, it sounds as if you might be walking on eggshells a bit as not to appear racist. There are differences in race because of cultural and familial ancestry and traditions. She just so happens to feel a little left out i think. Would we be having this conversation if this were a black child feeling uncomfortable in an all white school. The topic would be a little altered i think. Im not saying you should move her to a different school, but her feelings on the matter (as long as they dont breach hatred) are fine and understandable.

I value and appreciate everyones answer and opinion to the question, however, just reading some of the comments sent chills up my spine. It sounds like some of you are saying (without actually saying) that black children and/or black people, in general, have no values and that you would prefer that white children be surrounded by any other group than blacks.

Someone mentioned that your daughter may feel different or out of place because the black kids have kinky hair and braids and she doesn't...not every black person has kinky hair and braids. That statement alone sounded like it stemmed from ignorance.

Black children have been and still are the minority in many classrooms and in life, but they have always had to adjust. We, meaning everyone should re-evaluate and educate ourselves on other cultures other than our own so that we can teach our children how to respect, not just tolerate everyone.

What I think you are trying to describe by using the term "reverse racism" is race based discrimination, which does exist, is real and is hard to be on the other end of. However, racism (in it's actual definition) exists only when a marginalized group of people, who are oppressed, are discriminated against by a dominant group of people. In this country, black folks have been oppressed by white folks. Black people can discriminate against white people, but can not be racist because they do not enjoy, in mass, the privileges of being in the dominant group. They do not enjoy, as a statistical group, the social power, economic power, judicial power, etc. that white people do. That is not to say that there are not oppressed, poor, white people, or that there are not powerful, wealthy, black people. I am saying that, sociologically speaking, and statistically, black people are marginalized by society and white people are not. Racism, and racial oppression, are transfered through generations. Much of this has to do with generational economic privilege/disadvantage.

That said, I have lived in poor, mostly black/hispanic/ urban areas as the "white girl". No, it doesn't feel great to be, "the white girl". But, I understand why those dynamics exist. Understanding that made it easier for me to not resent and thus, I was able to let go of my baggage - make an effort and just get to know my neighbors. I was out of the house, traveling, making my own decisions during this period of my life. I was not a teenager going to public school. I think it is harder for teens to break down the misnomer "I am color blind" and become someone who does see color, does see racism (in all of its horrendous glory), does see oppression, does see class, and thus, is able to see people in a social context as well as a personal one. Having an awareness and education of real history, and its affects on our present system/culture, is helpful. But anyway.

As recently as 1863/1865 slavery was still legal. We are talking about a couple of generations ago, really. Racism doesn't just disappear, like magic, the moment black men are allowed to vote (1870) or that segregation becomes illegal (1964/68). We are talking, forty years ago, a black person and white person used separate fountains. Come on folks, the shear cultural trauma (let alone the physical repercussions, i.e. class) of that does and will continue to affect our schools systems, jails, judicial system, class etc.

So. Is your daughter being discriminated against? Maybe. Are there reasons that our school systems are still racist? Yes. Does that affect all races? Yes. Is there reverse racism? No, the term is nonsense. Edit to add: I think you might help her by sympathizing and empathizing with her (it is hard to be one of the only X kids in any situation), helping her understand the reason why things are the way they are (together you might read the books "a people's history of the united states" and "Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria"). Continue being a good ear and being trustworthy and then help her get a better education about racial dynamics. Our school systems don't do a very good job with this - I think. The knowledge will empower her and hopefully will help her to not feel alone.

Not much you can do if it is "reverse". You can only teach your child how to behave, but I think if the other children where being mean to her she would tell you.

I hate saying this, but it might be exactly be what you've said. The children are getting older and are modeling themselves after the adults in their lives. If the majority of the black students are surrounded by poor influences they could be adopting the negativeness of those around them. This is also where the "reverse" comes from, if all they hear around them is bad things about whites they are going to bring it with them to school.

Try to help your girl learn to judge people one on one, some people are good some are bad. Basically, if Tommy and David and Greg are mean and black doesn't mean that little Michael who is also black will be mean too. Try to get her to look for nice people, to keep trying to make friends and that it isn't nice to avoid the other black students just because a few of them have been rude.

Good luck.

First, I LOVE all of thes responses so far! Recognizing that it's about feeling out of place because of differences, not necessarilly a racism issue, and figuring out how to approach such differences and carry the discomfort of feeling different. Gosh, such a human experience huh?!

I was introduced to differences from the perspective of curiosity as apposed to what feels bad...almost like curiosity in solving a puzzle. Maybe the teacher can incorporate some team-building assignments into the curriculum to help the kids learn fun new things about one another? Because maybe some othe the other kids feel different than your daughter too and because they are the majority there might be more comfort for them in keeping company with similar looking kids. In a way, the kids are acting the same in regards to comfort with familiarity so this is a wonderful opportunity for the teacher to explore the excitement in things that are different...probably not race related would be the best idea at first.

Imagine how much more difficult this situation would have been 30 years agobefore society could progress to a place where we help our children accept and appreciate and embrace differences? We still have a ways to go I'm sure of it, but everyones post so far is so encouraging!

i agree with jen. it's more likely she's picking up on something from the other kids. any minority, in any group, will eventually feel it. you can teach her not to see color as much as you want, but don't assume other parents will do the same. sounds like it's time to talk to her about this.

I am completely dumbfounded by many of the responses. My whole life, including now, I was the lone black girl in a room full of white people. This is the reality for many black children. I was the only black child in many of my honor classes growing up. I was actually more inclined to seek out other white children. I went through a period of self hate. I thought being white was so much better than being black. As a teenager, there were many times when they would not interact with me at all. The numer of underrepresented minorities in college and universities is low. I did find comfort with those who resembled me. Since, the minority population was small, it was easy to group together. Now as an adult, I am the only black female of a total of two black employees at my company. With my son, I am trying to instill love of all people without losing himself. Yes, there are cultural differences. However, bad behavior is universal.

Do you have any close friends that are of a different ethnic background than you? Other than school what other multicultural experiences has your daughter had with other children? You can talk as much as you want but experiences hold much weight for children.

I'm saying this because my son is now in highschool and has developed opinions and makes statements regarding other races that is just frustrating to me. Unfortunately in the circles I flow in there is predominantly my race and perhaps one other but not much beyond that.

My son will be off to college and there he will learn even more about people and the world and perhaps there he will develop some new philosophies. Even to this day I miss my best friend from grammer school who wasn't just like me. I remember Angela being the sweetest, kindest, nicest girl. I wanted to be nice like her. She was my best friend when I was 6, that was a long time ago but I still remember her well.

Perhaps your daughter will have a different kind of experience or you may need to take the reigns on this and reach out and develop some friendships and help her see by example that people are just people.

Don't be dumbfounded. Kids do not see the color as you are seeing it. I am sure in her innocence she noticed that she was just "different" and with only being one of two in her class, she does not act the same way. Does not mean anything is wrong with the other group either, but it means they are different - values, culture, way of life, etc. What you can do is encourage her that they ARE different and teach her HOW to interract with someone different. Maybe the other kids isolate them from the group because THEY also can't relate to your daughter and the other one, so she feels left out. I honestly think she just wants more of her color to relate to, has nothing to do with prejudice, etc. Teach your child how to accept differences. Learn about the other kids and how they dress, interract, etc or have the teacher do that and then educate your daughter. I would not remove her from the school either. She needs to associate with other people because we live in a diverse world. Just as an indian, mexican, african might feel isolated being in America and want to associate with more of their group for the sake of famililarity, your daughter wishes for the same.

For joke - I think as a kid something probably went wrong (like the other kid didn't share her pencil or something insignificant) and your daughter felt bad and wanted to be included. Good luck on teaching her how to associate.

Rachie-we all know you don't have a mean bone in your body! Will you be happy when your daughter "talk and acts" (her words) like her classmates? If you truly don't judge and accept people as they are, as I do, regardless-then be prepared for your daughter to slowly take on their speech and mannerisms and assimilate into their culture-instead of bringing the majority kids into hers-that is a law of nature. I was raised in a home void completely of racism and bigotry. However, where I was raised, in a rural area, there were no other competing races. My children went to school with kids from all over the world- tolerance was never an issue. One year, during Black History month, my oldest son designed a postage stamp to honor the man who developed the technique of separating plasma from blood. While this man's discovery saved thousands of lives in WWII-he was taken to a white only hospital and they refused him treatment. He died-tragically, because of racism. Racism makes me physically ill-like any injustice towards my fellow man, but if I had to choose-I would want my kids to emulate a "Condi Rice" over a Kanye West all day long.

Very hot topic. Well, here is my two cents:

This is not reverse racism, as your daughter has no social power over the rest of the student body.

The true definition of racism is bigotry combined with a big power force, usually political or economical. So I would say the more offending comments here are are full of simple-minded bigotry at this point. But bigotry can contribute to the force of racism, by showing public acceptance of it as a social norm.

We are in a racist society, no joke. Accepting that fact is the only way to truly eradicate it. Painting a scene of how we are friends with everyone regardless of skin blah blah blah.....that actually conveys the message that skin IS a factor to consider. We do have differences that define us as individuals, and as members of collectives in society....we should embrace them as part of ourselves and move on already.

Back to your daughter....at this age it is quite normal for her to want to have a little gaggle of friends that resemble her family dynamic....and she could also do very well in mixed groups making friends at this age too. But an interesting thing I learned in a multi-cultural education course last year is that those mixed friendships tend to lose steam during the high school years...because both ethnicities are experiencing completely different societal treatments and cues...and the two friends lose ways to relate to each other. Pretty sad when our racist society can cause that kind of a wedge between teens who have been friends since childhood.

Also, it is unrealistic to tell your daughter she is friends with everyone, when she is not. Would you be friends with all the people you have met on this forum, even without knowing our skin colors? Probably not, because I am sure at least one or two of us speaks in a way that you are not comfortable with or willing to even try to be comfortable with:) So I would want you to give your daughter the same respect in choice of friends. Friends either click or don't. And sometimes yes, it is based on a collective identity, and she perceives that as being related to skin color. No harm, no foul on her part....sounds like she just wants to find where she belongs in the scheme of things:)

It really is up to you how to handle this, it is your life of course. You could choose to talk with her more about identity at this age. You could try to reach out to other parents and include her into the social groups. You could start playgroups. You could host a get to know you party. You could do all the things that all parents do when trying to make it easier for their kids to create friendships:) Or you could move her to another school and do all those things with a different demographic. But whatever you do, just know that she is not a racist, she is just a little girl looking to fit in somewhere:)

ps....food for thought their is only one race, the human race:) The human genome project proved that there is no genetic marker that distinguishes the "races". Outward features such as skin pigment are evolutions of communities of people living in different environmental conditions for thousands of years and adapting to those conditions:) I love science:)

I had to laugh. My youngest got in trouble on her first day of second grade when she looked around and blurted out, "Holy cow! I'm the only white kid in this room!" Whoever says skin color doesn't matter is lying; it does matter, in many different ways--one of them being that it's something kids notice and comment on before they get too "sophisticated" to censor themselves. Skin color is part of who we are.

Having said that, I would encourage you to talk to her about whatever bothers her in a way that separates behavior from skin color, and point out to her that throughout life she will run into people who may aggravate her. She may never like certain games, or certain music--and that's okay; that's who she is. But these are not things determined by skin color, though it may seem that way to her at this moment.

And what's wrong with more white friends? If a black child in a mostly white environment asked for more black friends, we would view this as an expression of healthy sense of ethnic identity. So see what you can do, while reinforcing the lesson that skin color is only a part of who we are--by no means the whole picture. The way to really defeat racism is not to teach kids that "skin color doesn't matter"--it's to teach them to accept themselves, and others, as exactly who they are, skin color and all.

Maybe she really doesn't like the way the other kids talk and act. I don't think it's a matter of being racist or discriminating, I think it's a matter of her knowing there are value differences and behavior differences and she seems the minority in more ways than skin color.

I'm wondering what the big deal is. She's not saying she hates the black kids, she's saying she doesn't like the way a lot of them talk and act. Can we please stop skirting around the acknowledgment that there are some obvious differences between the "cultures" here?

Wow to some of the responses here, some people responding are racist. I am AA and I was not raised to speak, look, wave my hands, etc. any differently than whites. We live in white society, we assimilate to white society. I am married to a white man and so I am not racist or exhibiting some type of reverse racism as some may suggest.
It seems to me she is feeling a little left out. It is natural to want to be around people who look like oneself and since there are so few in her class, she is having a little trouble finding where she fits in. If you go to diverse schools you will see kids of the same race sitting together at the lunch table - it happens everywhere because that is how kids feel most comfortable. While they all may get together in the classroom or on a sports team, etc. we can all note that (in general) our kids closest friends look like them.

i'm not racisit either, but was actually disappointed that my daughter is one of 3 white girls in her class (only 3 girls, mostly boys). i like the diversity, and well, there is no diversity in her new school. but no issues other than childhood drama :)

I'd probably just tell her that at the moment, she was at that school and that people come and go in this life. She may be in a situation in life at some point where she is in a group of only white people and misses the diversity. We can't always control our surroundings but we can always learn to make the best of any situation. Maybe there is one kid who is loud or hard to deal with and because that kid is black, she is just making that association. I personally wouldn't make too big of a deal about it. She's just a kid, that's how she felt, and she has no politics behind her statement. It's not wrong that she feels more comfortable with the white kids. I mean think of this, if she was more comfortable with hispanic kids and came home and said so nobody would care, but bc she said she likes white kids more, it's racist. I don't think so...I think she had a feeling, it's ok, and now she needs to realize as we all do that life doesn't revolve around us and there are things to be enjoyed in any circumstance. That's how I teach my kids. My kids are both white and black, so they live diversity everyday, like it or not!!:D I really don't think it will be a big thing, if you don't make it one...good luck!!

There was a study published recently that found that children naturally gravitate toward those who are the same race as themselves, and that this happens more frequently in more diverse schools than in less diverse schools. It was a very interesting study.

What to do about it? I'm really not sure. I think "we love everyone, no matter their skin color," may be a little to vague, though. I would talk to your daughter about what explicitly she doesn't like about how the black children talk and act. Talk to her about the history of race in our country (in age-appropriate terms, of course) and what it means to be black and white.

I think you should have play-dates at your house with some of the girls from her class (both white and other) so that you can watch how the kids act and how the kids interact. Also, get her involved in activities outside school, like girl scouts. I wouldn't pay any attention to the races of the kids in the girl scout troupe, but see if you can swing it so that the kids in the troupe are new friends, not classmates. I know that I had problems with a group of kids when I was little, and they were all white. I am, too, so I don't think I ever linked their behavior with race. There may be a clique in her class that is by chance made up of black girls, and so it may be to her advantage to see that not all black girls act in that manner.

I wish you good luck. I think I would be bewildered in your situation, as well.

Yes... I wouldn't be shocked. Without being racist at all and being half of an racially/ethnically blended family, I would say that divisions between races in the U.S. are deeper than skin color. Your daughter may be reacting to simple differences in culture or experience. I'm not saying that any of those differences are negative -- they are just differences. It's very hard to cross cultural differences or differences in the way people communicate and almost impossible for a young child without guidance. It takes a lot of understanding. For example, my husband is Latino. When Spanish is translated into English, a lot of times it sounds rude. For example, in Spanish, when you want to ask someone to do something or let them know that something is a social expectation, you say, "You will do x." In English, you say, "it will be best if you do X" or "could you do x please." Spanish-speaking people aren't rude -- this is a difference in the way they express themselves. But, if you don't know that, you could respond very negatively. On the other hand, whites come off very cold to Spanish-speaking people (just like I believe that we come off very dry to African Americans). So, my guess is that both the African American kids and the white kids have trouble crossing the differences in expression and culture that exist between these groups and so self-segregate. If you can help her understand the specific things that bother her about her African American classmates, then you will help her reach across the gap, as well as give her a really valuable social skill set in being able to relate to people different than herself.

Put yourself in her shoes. She is 7. Her friends have black, kinky hiar and wear braids. She doesn't. They all have dark skin, she doesn't. Their eyes are different, they ALL are similar to each other, she is different.
The culture is also different.
In CA my son went to a predominately LAtino middle school. In one class my son was the only white boy who spoke English at home. I told him to learn Spanish from them, he came home and said he could repeat what he had learned. :o)
It is hard to be the one singled out. Does she have one really good friend? Have that girl over for sleepovers and such.

I think your daughter has the point. Listen to her. You may be acceptive of everyone but not everyone is acceptive of you. In your daughter's world it is not that she needs to be inclusive and accept the colored kids in her majority world. No...now, it is reversed...and she has to hope that THEY will be nice to her and accept her...and, frankly, they have been taught for so long the hostility towards white people that they are not that accepting and friendly to her. Besides, yes there are the issues of different values, talking, clothes, hand gestures...etc. that your daughter finds distastefull because you did a fine job raising her.
There was a good article not long ago about how upbringing varies in white and black families (and for that matter any culture will be different not just black and white) and how it affects the kids success in life.
The choice you have is either to make your daughter comfortable (enroll her in a school where she will not feel like an outsider and will be with the kids that come from households with values similar to yours) or continue to force her into this race issue which is not yours nor hers to fight...but she may get hurt in the process.
My son was just like your girl about it and I listened to him. Glad I did. I am not making the same mistake with my little guy. His classmates are white, asian and mix races and he is very happy at his school.

Hi R.,

Is this really racism or is she just looking for someone like her? We all want a best friend that is like us and likes us for who we are. Why else would little ones have imaginary friends. We all have a picture of who the perfect friend would be.

The teacher says she's not having any trouble. Don't make this bigger than it is. We don't force our boys to have girls as best friends. There are definitely differences. Acknowledging them is not wrong. Only hating the differences is....

God bless,

M.

What a great post and a lot of interesting answers. I grew up as a religious and economic minority. While this was less obvious as a young child, it was a big deal as a preteen and teen when I was left out of social activities and not allowed to date certain boys (by the boy's parents, not mine). Although I didn't like it at the time, I learned a huge lesson in being a minority (in a country where once I left my town my religion would be common). I learned to see things through other people's eyes and to be compassionate. I hope your daughter learns that too.

It frustrates me that while little kids play so nicely regardless of race, ethnicity, and religion, later on they segregate themselves at lunch and afterschool. There is a program that tries to shake this up by having kids switch seats at the lunch table. I live in a very diverse area with no little overt prejudice but social segregation kicks in by about 6th grade. No kid wants to be the one changing things up but someone has to step up.

The best way to make friends will always be finding an activity that your child enjoys, like scouts or sports or theatre, where friendships are based on common interests that transcend differences.

Good luck. You're a great mom!

Anderson Cooper... did a study on race and kids....
Here are the links on it:
http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/18/kids-test-answers-o...

http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2010/05/14/study-white-and-bla...

http://celebrifi.com/gossip/Interesting-Study-On-How-Chil...

all the best,
Susan

maybe its just that the other white students have the same interests as your daughter does, and she figures that if she has more white friends, then they will all share the same interests and hobbies.
K. h.

This is a loaded situation. If she says specifically she doesn't like the way they talk and act, what is her point of reference? She's obviously gonna form a stereotype of those kids that's going to shape her mindset. People think she's too young to know the difference, but she's already formed an opinion about a set of students in one school environment, and I think she does need more adversity but it sounds like you are living in a district where you are the minority in the demographics. Although the teacher says she's not having any difficulty doesn't make it true. YOU SHOULD OBSERVE THE CLASSROOM ENVIRONMENT.

I doubt it's racism, so much as a natural thing that happens with most kids. When they become aware of differences, they tend to gravitate toward other kids who are similar to them.

It would seem to me that you, as her mom, need to just help her have opportunities to interact with children/people of all races and help her think through how to choose other girls to be friends with (based on similar hobbies, how they treat her, etc., not race). Guide her along the way and she'll get it.

I think that she feels like she doesnt fit and maybe they make her feel that she is not like them my sons came to a primarily white school after being with lots of races and they seem to fit in alot better over here (we are hispanic). She perfers to be with people she looks like and can identify with dont make it a big deal she just perfers to be with people that look like her.Kids are brutaly honest with their feelings and maybe one of her friends has said something to her. Let us know what happens

not read any of the other responses, but it sounds like she's having the same response that many black children have at that age, and other ages, to have people around her that look like her. There also may be some differnce in behavior due to culture, economics, other family dynamics. She's responding n my opinion in a logical way to her circumstances. As a Black woman,it's refreshing to finally see that all the things we as black kids in primarily white situations happen the same way when the shoe is on the other foot. My suggestion is continue talking to your daughter and goto places where there are people who she looks like and behaves is enforced, which is what we as black people do. Also, goto the class, and maybe be a room parent or something if you have the time. Get to know some of the parents so you understand some of the dynamics of the students and parents in your class.

With all love and affection and no judgement, welcome to what Black people ahve been dealing with for a very long time. It's nice to see that you are honestly and respectfully trying to deal with it. Good luck.
A.

wow, what an interesting situation. i'd be dumbfounded too!
i have no doubt that your kids have been raised to be accepting and familiar with a diverse society. you are such a lovely thoughtful person that i'm sure your attitude infuses your parenting.
but you can't just talk away or rationalize what a child is experiencing. she needs to feel heard and understood. so you need to sit on your reactions and let her express what she's feeling. then mirror it back to her so that SHE knows she's been heard, and she can correct anything you may be misunderstanding.
the next course of action, i think, would be to encourage her to gravitate toward the kids who talk and behave in ways more in line with her own, who may or may not be white. it's natural for her to think this would be white kids but i'll bet that with a little prompting and guidance, she can find friends and like-minded companions of various hues in her class who are also tired of the more unpleasant mannerisms and ways of speech. you may be able to point out to her (without invalidating what she's seeing!) that ugly behavior is pandemic, not restricted to one race. our local high school is overwhelmingly white, and some (by no means all) of those kids are disgusting. and i'm no prude.
there's not an easy fix, i'm afraid, but it can be a really important episode in your parenting overall. you do need to help her identify and form relationships with friends she's comfortable with, and to courteously avoid and not get assimilated into the nasty crowd. keep listening and learning. be the safe place she can come and express her concerns. then she will work them out herself, with you as her sounding board and advisor.
keep us posted!
khairete
S.