Daughter Whines/cries Anytime She Is Told No

When I am dealing with my 1YO who is going through the TT's I always think back to my PED visits. The Doctor is so calming when she talks to me and always praises me telling me I am doing a good job, even if she corrects me. It feels so much better than negative comments, which some doctors can do. I can't remember ever being scolded by the doctor and I know some doctors will do that. So anyway, I try that with her and eventually we both calm down. So far it has worked pretty good. They are little but they learn how to fight back early.

I agree with both of these mother's advice. I would add another suggestion that sometimes works for me. Don't hear the whining. Completely ignore it. At first say, I can't hear you when you whine. Do this even when she's asking for something. When whining doesn't get her attention she will eventually stop.

Attention. I suspect that is one reason that kids whine. They feel like their feelings are being ignored and the whining is an indication that they need more positive attention.

And never threaten to take away something that you are not able to follow through on. Are you really willing to keep her out of kindergarten? And I could see that making that threat could make the whining worse if she is looking forward to kindergarten.

Consequences need to be something that you can immediately do, such as not "hearing" her to have an effect. At 4 1/2 kindergarten is too far away in time and she's unable to comprehend very little about what that means. She hears no kindergarten and she has an emotional reaction because she is aware of wanting to go but sees no connection between her whining and not going. If anything she feels that something is being taken away from her and that she has no control over stopping that.

The other things that you've tried also don't work because whining is caused by emotional issues unrelated to them. Whining and bossing her brother are probably indications that she feels powerless. Ways of giving her some power will work better. Choices is a great idea that works part of the time with my strong willed grandchildren. Paying attention to them before they get whiney helps. Anticipating the request and giving them an alternative before they ask helps.

Whiney is a common beaviour at this age. It grates on our nerves to the point that we get cranky or whiney ourselves. That only makes the problem worse. If we can remain calm and matter of fact at the time and figure out how to give the child a feeling of having more power we can get through it.

I think the more that you try to stop her from whining and crying the more she will do so. You can't really control someone's feelings. I would continue as you have been, firmly stating no. Maybe letting her know she can have something at a different time or later, if that is a possibility. If she is sad, I would tell her that you understand that she is sad and explain your reasons for no. I think acknowledging her feelings will help. It is important to maintain the parental relationship and control, but I think that it is also important to respect your child's feelings, however irritating they can be and let her feel what she feels when she feels it. When children feel that their feelings are respected, they are likely to get over things more quickly, than if they are taught to suppress their responses.

I graduated in Early Childhood Education and everything we were ever taught about a whiny child is to IGNORE it! I know how hard this is but when my son is being unreasonable I take a deep breath and walk away. It always works because lots of bad behavior, especially whining, is done for attention. Others on here have mentioned this too and it really works. She will probably get worse for awhile because she will realize she is no longer getting attention (negative attention but still it's attention) and will probably whine more. Soon though she will realize that it's not working and stop. I wouldn't say no or take away things because this is really just reinforcing the behavior, even though it is a punishment, because she is getting a reaction from you. So ignoring it gives her no reinforcement and so she will eventually quit the behavior. Just my opinion, there is no use battling with a 4 year old, you'll both just end up frustrated and upset.

I really should take my own advice on this one but my only advice for you is kids don't like the word NO. it implies an emergancy for not doing something. like "NO dont touch that outlet in the wall" you know what I mean. I think you should say "we can't have candy but we can have a banana" or "we cant jump on our brother but we can jump on the floor" you know what i mean? give them another outlet for fun because if there having fun doing it and you tell them NO its almost like telling them no fun alloud.

My 3 year old does the same thing. I've tried similar things you've mentioned but it has no effect and in fact seems to make the problem worse. The best thing that has worked for us recently (and someone else mentioned this earlier) is to just ignore the whining. it may not stop it immidiately but does increase the amount of time she does it. Just go to another room or focus on something or someone else, like your son. talk to him or do a fun activity with him and soon she will be done whining and want to join in the fun. as far as being mean to her brother, we don't have that problem yet so i dont really have any advice... im sure that problem is right around the corner for us though LOL. good luck!

I also have a 4 1/2 yr old, I have tried everything with she is a huge Whiner! It drives me insane. She has been this way for as long as I can remember. I have tried everything that is mentioned below and still no hope. She has nothing left to take away all of her toys and even her dresser with all her cloths are in the garage(so she has nothing to destroy during time outs). I have spanked her to point I felt like all I was doing was spanking her. I have gotten to her level and talked to her. I have given her other options to what she is doing. I also have the problem with the baby sibling she does the same thing. So I know what you are going through dont feel like a bad parent, I honestly hope this is an age thing and will pass.You have my sympathy but dont feel alone because you are not alone with this problem.

not saying your the culprit but children repeat what they see. as for the word NO, alot of children go through this when they want everything. the most important thing is do not give in if she is crying EVER. be consistant the one time you give in you'll ruin any progress you have made. But when finally she's ok with NO, reward her with something other then what she asked for! (hugs and kisses are good rewards too)

I have a 7 year old daughter that whines when I tell her no sometimes too. I tell her that I cant understand her when she is whining and I will talk to her when she is done. This usually works and she will stop the whining and then talk to me. My son also does this sometimes and I tell him the same thing. I dont mean to sound rude but if they dont want to stop whining then they dont get to talk to me about what ever it is that they wanted in the first place. This is something that you could try and see if it works for your kids.

One thing I can't stand is a whining child. The first thing you have to ask yourself is what is her payoff for whining? is she getting what she wants in the end? if so, there is your answer, it works for her. If it wasn't working she wouldn't do it. You can not give in even once on this, once you decide that this behaviour is not appropriate. You and your husband have to stand firm. No is no. If you can't take the whining. You place her in her room or in time out and you walk away. If it continues you tell her that she will have additional time out until she stop. You may have to get ear plugs for the first few times. But you have to stick to a method and stand firm on NO being No. Good luck to you. -W.

To be honest I think it is a stage all children go through. My best friend has a son almost four and her husband has a set of twin boys around the same age and when they are in town visiting her son does the I'm the boss thing. Keep your head up it will stop soon.

Hi C.,

I'm no expert, but when my child was that age and was doing those kind of acts we would send him to his room and he was not to come out untill he was not crying any more. We let him know that crying was ok, but not to get things his way. It took alot on our part to be persistant and not cave in when he wouldn't stay in his room. After time he knew that crying wasn't working, and using his words did. We kept sending them back, and ignored the loud screaming he did when he did stay in his room. After awhile he knew if he started acting up, he was going to his room and he didn't want that. It sure makes them think of there actions.

It will take alot on you and your husband part to not give in. Kids learn at a young age that they can cry and get things their way, because us as parents don't want to listen to the crying. Be strong it doesn't last long when they know your not going to give in to their demands of you.

A few things that come to mind are;

1. Have you tried explaining to her exactly why she cannot have whatever it is you are taking away. At 4 and a half, she may be the type of child that needs to understand exactly why these things are happening.

2. It is good to want for her to express her feelings, but this is not something that comes naturally for children. They dont always have the exact words for how they feel. Have you tried telling her, "I know your upset but..." "I know your mad but..." "I know your frusterated, but..." (give her reason she cant do what she would like.) Giving them that word will help them to understand how they feel, and be able to express it in the future. Not only that, having that word for their feelings, and having you tell them, gives them a sense of control they didnt have before (when they didnt understand their feelings.)

3. Have you tried giving her choices, and subsiting one thing for another.? When she would like something, tell her, "you may not have this because...but you may have (such and such) instead." If she doesnt like this too much, try, "You may not have this because...but you may have have (such) or (such.)" Giving her an ultimatum (what she may not have) as well as other choices in what she may have, gives some of the control she desires back to her. She has a choice.

4. One other thing, you said that you tell her, if she doesnt stop (behavior) she will not be going to kindergarten. Is this realistic? Would you really withold her from kindergarten? And, how does this effect her now? How will it effect her then? Does she have enough of an understanding for this to really effect her?

One thing I'd like to say, is that...negative reinforcement comes so naturally for us! "If you dont do this, you dont get this." This is effective sometimes, but not really helpful in the long run. Positive reinforcement if what I am going to push for here. Anytime your daughter uses her words without whining or crying, tell her, "wow, I like the way you used your words" "good words" "thank you for asking so nicely." And if you can think of a way to say, "If you do this, you can have this." If she uses her words all morning, take her to the park, or to the store. Something exciting for her.

If you have any questions about this, feel free to respond back to me.