Daughter in Kindergarten Getting Held Back

If I were in the same situation I would be fighting that tooth and nail. I might for a second think about it but when you add the factor that her little sister will be in K next year. NO way. But that is just my opinion.

It is possible she has a different learning style - you could read "Talkers, Watchers, and Doers" by Cheri Fuller to get an idea of what style your daughter has. She may benefit from a different type of school structure altogether. The traditional school setup is designed for the convenience of teachers and bureaucrats, not for the benefit of the children. However, advancing a child through school for social reasons when she has not mastered the academic material sets her up for future failure, further ridicule, and the potential for being labeled as learning disordered. It is painful to be teased and made fun of in school, but believe me, kids will FIND reasons to make fun of other kids. I don't know of anyone who WASN'T teased in school for something. Advancing your daughter if she is not ready for it, won't help your daughter in the long run, and therefore won't be best for her.

Her teacher says she needs to be held back you should. My younger cousin was suposed to be held back and her father chose not to hold her back because he didn't want her labeled or to have that stigma. She is now in high school and is a B to C student despite tutors, and hours of daily studying. It has been like this her entire school career. She has never been eligable to participate in extra cirricular activities with her friends and has been left behind on many occasions because of that, nor will her grades be good enough for scholorships. She has been made fun of for being stupid and is now learning to use her looks instead of her intelligence because it makes life easier for her. She was recently caught trading a date for a paper. She is 15.
The truth is children develope at different rates physically, mentally and soscially and a good parent supports their child in what challenges come their way regaurdless of their personal feelings on the issue. Being in the same grade as her sister might be fun for them and the other kids will just think they are twins. She will make new friends and they will look up to her Besides kids don't remember who was in what grade by the time the real social issues start coming up. Another option is to send her to a different shcool.

Hello K., I would have to recommend holding her back, only because I've experienced this same situation before. My nephew wasn't ready for second grade, and his teacher advised he was passing but not by much. My sister did not want to hold him back and asked me what I would do. Of course I suggested she hold him back to make sure he was ready to go on to second grade so he wouldn't have problems in the future. It was the best decison, because he repeated the first grade, and every year after that was an honor student. He graduated from high school with honors, and is a junior in college and doing extremely well!

Definitely take the recommendation of the teacher and let her repeat this grade. It won't hurt her at all and should really help her mature with some of the social skills that are desperately needed in a group/school situation. Some children are completely different with people they know like family but need some extra time to feel comfortable in this new environment. Usually they will not put siblings in the same class which is a good thing. They both need to develop individually which is hard to do if they are with each other all the time not to mention they would get tired of each other. She'll be fine with this extra time to grow in her learning skills.

She would probably benefit from a good private school over the summer. If that's not possible, sign her up for a series of day camps. She'd get lots of practice following directions and learning in a fun group setting. Then she could try first grade in the fall and move back to kindergarten if her next teacher thinks she should.

I am torn in my opinion in this issue. My daughter was put in transitional 1st grade after Kindergarten and it really didn't help. On the other hand I don't know if she would have passed first grade if I hadn't tried T-1.

I went to the classroom and visited with her K teacher many times. I tried to understand what she was telling me but I couldn't pay attention because of all the clutter in the room. Every inch of the walls were covered with bright, busy, distracting posters. My eyes were constantly distracted by something new to look at while she was talking, music was always playing in the background. I finally asked the teacher how a small child was going to pay attention when I, an adult in college making a 3.9 GPA, couldn't pay attention to her and process what she was saying. She looked at me like I was stupid and basically blew me off after that. I suggested she put M in a quiet corner with nothing on the walls, she said no, I suggested she put M by her desk so she could keep a closer eye on her, she didn't want to rearrange her room layout. I was a college student busy studying every spare minute of every day and didn't have enough brains to figure out the nutrition and the rest stuff, so that was on me. She needed to be assessed by an Educational Therapist so they could tell us what her brain was doing. I finally agreed for M to be held back and I felt like T-1 was play day all day. It seemed like they were just waiting for her to mature enough to go to 1st grade. She didn't do well even in 1st either. When she was 8, in 2nd grade, I sent her to live with her Dad for a while and he put her in soccer. It really helped her development. It used up the extra energy, she learned coordination, team work, soccer taught her so many skills that she still uses today.

By 3rd grade she finally started getting "it". Everything started clicking and she just started understanding stuff. But by this point she was so far behind.

I remarried when she was 11. We moved to another town and she was finally diagnosed with ADD but by this time she was so far behind and she eventually dropped out at 15/16 yrs. old.

So what I guess my opinion is about your question is...find out what the issue really is. If she has learning difficulties, if she is not getting enough rest, does she just have too much energy, eating the right foods, drinking enough water, is she too distracted in a room with no quiet space, does she need to do some sports? Good luck, and I hope your child's teacher is a good resource for you.

My advice as both a teacher and mother DO NOT hold her back. Allow her to go on to the first grade because it sounds like a maturity thing not so much acdemics and holding he back will not help the situation. If she continues to have problems at the first grade level and is not advancing there then retain in the first grade not at kindergarten. Work with her over the summer and you will notice a big difference next year. Students seem to change a lot between kindergarten and first grade. They begin to accept more responibility for themselves and their learning. I would not retain at the kindergarten level especially since this is not a grade level students are required to complete.

I would have her evaluated for attention problems and for IQ. You seem to think she is very bright. Sometimes exceptionally bright kids get bored and just don't pay attention, sometimes perfectly normally bright kids have attention difficulties. Not being able to perform multi-step instructions can be classic ADD, but it can also be "I hate all this monotony, I don't feel like doing this stuff I already know how to do!" or they can have such bright vivid imaginations that they're off in their own world and just don't hear.

Wouldn't it be a crappy turn of events if she belongs in gifted 1st grade and she's held back in K.

We had trouble with our daughter's K teacher from "she won't do her work" to "she has a problem with authority."

Well, guess what...she's in gifted classes since 1st, in the 4th grade now, has a bit of trouble with getting distracted during multi-step tasks STILL, but she's at least not bored with what she's learning. And the most annoying part was how the K teacher's attitude toward our daughter changed after the evaluation. She apparently is not all that great at referring kids for gifted evaluation, no??

Your daughter's teacher may be mistaking a different learning style for an inability to learn...call in the experts before you do ANYTHING....the public school system is required to evaluate your child for free if you request it, or you can have it done professionally. Just be sure, especially if your instincts tell you she doing well.

Good luck, and please ask any questions you have.
~K.

I have taught kindergarten and only suggested retention if a student was immature or not progressing at all. I would strongly suggest meeting again with your child's teacher and maybe discuss difficulties with attention. I do think she would be bored with repeating learning colors, letters, etc. Good Luck.

K., I can speak from experience here. We should have had our oldest daughter repeat Kindergarten. At some level, we knew, but her teachers just didn't. They saw what you are seeing in your daughter - decent grades and achievements, etc. But there is much more to school success than just that. It sounds like your daughter needs more time in order to really excel in school (and I know you and your husband both want that for her) and I give kudos to her teacher for being willing to talk to you about it. My daughter ended up repeating 3rd grade and that was much more traumatic than if she had repeated Kindergarten. And, even as cruel as middle school kids can be, NO ONE made fun of her. Not a single kid, not a single time. We just told her and her friends that Mikki needed a little more time before she was ready for the next grade. All kids grow at different times (height, weight, academic achievement) and Mikki just needed more time. Now, she is in 7th grade and LOVES knowing a lot of the 8th graders. She has someone to ask about teachers and what she should wear to her first dance, etc. She doesn't feel lesser or stupider or anything because we never let her feel those things. We do not say she was "held back" because she wasn't. She didn't fail (and neither has your daughter) - we say she needed an extra year to be ready to go on. Or that she repeated because the teacher needed an experienced helper. I think your attitude in this will help or hinder her. You wouldn't buy her new shoes 2 sizes too big if her feet hadn't grown, would you? Please don't put her in a grade she is not ready for. Her teacher can tell that 1st grade would be extremely stressful for her and no kid learns well when under that kind of stress. We always thought that we would rather our daughter be at the top of the grade doing well instead of the bottom and stressed out and not achieving to her potential. As far as your two children being in the same grade, it's kind of cool (especially if you sell it that way as your attitude through this will make or break the deal, either way). You may want to ask the teacher(s) if they thing them both being in the same class is the best thing or if they would do better in separate classes. I would think separate would be better because then no one is in the other's shadow - they can have some different friends and different days to tell you about when they get home.

I know it isn't an easy decision, but if you truly want what is best for your daughter, than heed her teacher's advice. I have NEVER met someone who repeated a grade who had regrets and wish they hadn't. Good luck!

A few questions...
K.,

1. Does she eat breakfast? If so, what does she eat?
2. What time does she go to bed / wake up / and does she sleep well?
3. Is she physically active or sedentary?
4. How much time does she spend watching tv, on a computer, or playing video games?

I had some of the characteristics you are describing, as a child, and found it was very much related to my diet, activity level, and amount of quality sleep.

Here are a few recommendations.
1. Breakfast EVERY morning.
A whole fruit (like an apple or blueberries)
Protein is critical.
Whole grains.
Avoid quick things like cereal, muffins, or sugary items.

Have you seen the book, "Eat Right For Your Type"....an excellent resource.

2. Sleep in the dark...no night lights!
Maybe even add a fan for some white noise.
She will sleep better and longer.

3. Bedtime of no later than 8:30 pm...the earlier the better.

4. Supplement her diet with DHA...the brand Nordic Naturals has a strawberry flavor that my son loves (can be purchased at most health food stores).
DHA is BRAIN FOOD!!!

5. Cut out processed / packaged foods / fast foods.
Do your best to serve whole foods as much as possible.
Anything with preservatives, added flavors, colors, etc has a MAJOR affect on the brain and mood.

6. Limit sugar and white flour products as much as possible! Even juices are loaded with sugar.
We have learned to LOVE pure filtered water and only occasionally drink something else.

7. Drink pure filtered water.

8. Get a little sunshine every day! (the vit. D. is critical!)

9. Get her away from the TV, Computer, and video games as much as possible. More involvement in physical activities, sports, etc. will do wonders for her!

10. Ask her questions about school and listen.

11. Check out Dr. Mercola's website for an excellent resource. www.mercola.com

Is it at all possible for you to home school your daughter?

Hi K.,

I totally understand your frustration, but it may be best to hold your daughter back now rather run into problems later, and be held back later on. Trust me the year will make a huge difference. both my niece and nephew were held back in kindergarten and they have had no one make fun of them, the kids dont know the difference at that age anyway. i really dont think her friends will make fun of her. But with my niece and nephew, their teachers said the same type things as your daughter's teacher did. so my brother held them back. it was probably the best thing ever. They never lost any friends due to this and they are both making A B honor roll and are well adjusted.

I have my B.S. in Human Development and Family Science and so I do know a little about development. I personally do not recommend holding her back if you are able to work with her at home during the summer to get her to where she needs to be. I would recommend asking the teacher exactly what areas she needs help in and work with your daughter. The reason I feel this way is because I have seen children held back and then they are ahead of their class the next year because they have learned those skills previously. The school recommended that my brother be placed in transitional first after kindergarten and my mother said no. My brother went on to graduate high school with a 3.85 GPA. Just my opinion!

I think you should talk with her and ask her why she does these things in class, help you understand...does she want to be held back or does it matter to her. Maybe its because she doesn't like the teacher. my son hated his kindergarten and first grade teachers, they didn't help him, and i was unsuccessful getting him in another class because of all the class sizes, long story short, he went on and has suffered because of it. If she has to be held back now is the time to do it, as bad as you hate to.

Also is there a way you could have her tested thru an outside party, such as someone at your local health department and try to find out where she really stands with her learning abiliites, good luck and keep us updated.

J.

K.,

I am a Pre-Kindergarten teacher in OKC. Is the Kindergarten program that your daughter is in a full day or half-day? There are a lot of factors when making a decision about holding a child back a year in school. I would say that if your daughter is in a half day program, then you need to let her go to first grade. With the academic skills that Kindergarteners are expected to master, a half day program is not long enough. My husband and I had this same debate with our son last year. We went ahead and put him in 1st grade and have now made the decision to hold him back next year. Our decision was based on both skills mastered and maturity. I hope this helps.

Hello, my daughter is five and will be six this year. She will be repeating pre-k this year. I had issues with is but after speaking with a parent who had her son repeat pre-k I knew I needed too. She told me they went ahead and put him in Kindergarten but realize he struggled termendously and had behavorial issues with him that they never had before. She said he was stressed so they took him out and repeated pre-k. She said it is the best thing they could have done. She said her husband had a problem with it at first but after what he saw he was totally for it. It is not about what age they are, it is are they ready developmentally ready for the next grade. Sometimes they are not. I realize that my daughter will be repeating with two others in her class. You don't want your daughter struggling through school. I would rather my child be held back in pre-k or kindergarten then realize it later when they are much older. That is when they will start making fun of kids. I don't believe at the age of five you have too much to worry about. I am completely comfortable now with my daughter repeating. It will benifit her better and take the stress away. Plus if your daughter is one of the older ones in class, maybe she will take a leadership role instead of a follower. My daughter will be one of the oldest next year in pre-k, I am hoping she will fall into a leadership role. I would rather her be a leader than a follower in these days. Hope this helps. Good luck.

some children dont like to be called upon in class maybe she doesnt like to speak in a crowded room or maybe she doenst like the teacher because she calls on her. You might set your daughter down and talk to her and see if she tells you something different. i didnt like to speak out in class and i still dont like to speak in large crowds, but if there's only a few people then im ok. so there might be something that is missing and a different teacher might help. i know its hard for a child when the friends have moved on and they havent. its harder when shes older and have been with them for longer period of time. my stepson was in the 7th and they wanted to hold him back, he had been with his friens for 7 years and the teachers didnt think he was ready for the 8th so they held him back and it turned out bad they mad fun of him and he went down from there. so just talk to her good luck.

Have you had your 5 year old checked for ADD or ADHD? My son will be 4 next month and 2 months ago was diagnosed ADHD and we started on a very low dosage of short release stimulants. He gets it after breakfast and after lunch. He stays on the green apple at school for the last 2 weeks except for the second day of being on meds. It is my choice whether I give the med on weekends or when my son is out of school. The dazed look when the teacher is talking is a symptom of ADHD and the reverse hyperactivity at home is another sign. I totally am against kids being so medicated that they walk around in a zombie state, my kid is on a 2.5 mg dose twice a day and he weighs almost 50 pounds and it lasts up to 3 hours per pill.

My kid is in a 3 pre k in a headstart program. At the beginning of school he was one of the brightest, he knew his abc's, numbers, his whole name, his home phone number, his street address. Because several other children in his class did not know the basics the teacher had to think of new ways to keep going over the same things in circle time which is when my son got bored, and then no longer cared about the behavior apples and came home on the red apple every day.

I am a kindergarten teacher (and a mom of 4). It sounds like you have a lot to consider; holding a child back in school is never an easy decision...for you OR the teacher. It does sound like your child's teacher wants what is best for your daughter (since she works one on one with her to help). Our K teachers rarely hold back for academic reasons. We usually look at the whole child, particularly the maturity and the readiness of the child. I would never want to send a child to first grade if I didn't think he/she was ready emotionally (which is probably why your child's teacher mentioned the following directions). I try to picture that child doing first grade work which is a lot more than kindergarten work (even though kindergarten is so academic now too). If I cannot, I talk to the parents about retention. I don't know that I would be too alarmed by your child's behavior at school versus home...that seems to be the norm. I have had so many conferences where I will mention the personality I see in the classroom and the parents will just laugh and say that at home the child is very different. Children feel safer at home to be themselves. (I have experienced this with my own kids even though they love school) I haven't beenf aced with the retention issue with my own kids...yet. When/if I do, I will probably rely more on the teacher for that recommendation. But some of our teachers have faced it and have chosen to do it. I will say that I have yet to hear a parent regret holding a child back, while I have heard others say they wish they had. Good luck with your decision!
R.
PS At least at our school, we just don't make a big deal out of retention. Our retained kids usually settle in with the next group of kids and I have never heard anybody make fun of them. Also, if you do decide to retain your daughter, I would really advise not having your kids in the same class next year. Our experience has been that the siblings don't branch out as much as they would in different classrooms. Plus it would give your older child a sense of independence.

I see you are very busy, is the income worth the effect on the children??

Please do all possible to see to it her grades are made for her to proceed to first grade. As this can be devatating to a child

Make sure to have her ears and eyes checked, this may have be done by the schools, if so take them to a specialist and tell them the reason you made the appointment.

Since there is such a difference between her home and school behavior make sure you get to the bottom of this.

I would also get a special tutor for the summer and have her re tested so she can move forward.

Somewhere, either at school or home, this child has fallen through the cracks.

One would believe that something happen at school for her behavoir to be so different at home. Have you considered changing schools.

Please put your children first and take the proper time in al phases of their lives regarding love, and studies.

God Bless

As a first grade teacher, I would recommend taking the advise of your daughter's Kindergarten teacher. Many times their recommedation is based on a lot of different factors. It sounds like your child just might not be developmentally ready to handle first grade work. In our state (LA), there is a huge jump in the expectations for kindergarten and first grade. After the first six weeks of school, the students are taking 20 word spelling tests, taking timed math facts tests, etc. I have a student this year who passed K. with a 75D average (74 is an F). His parents insisted on him going on to 1st grade because his brother was going to be in K. this year. He is smart but failing. He is not able to keep up with the work that we are doing because developmentally he needs the type of activities done in a kindergarten class. The first grade classroom is developmentally not where he should be this year. Next year, I feel that he will do well in 1st grade. If you are worried about how your daughter will feel about repeating K., I always recommend to parents that they make the child excited about repeating kindergarten. This is easy to do if you make them believe that they are going to stay in kindergarten because the teacher needs a "big kid" to be a helper in her room and she was the one that was picked.

Please Please Please hold her back. The kids might make fun of her at first but the harm of not holding her back with be life long. I have a nephew who's parents were told to hold him but they like you say no.He not have a easy time in school and never went on to college although his parents would have be able to pay for it easily. He hate school and never was able to completely catch up. I was hold back in first grade because I miss so much of it because of asthma problems it never cost my any problems in fact I have a 2 year degree the most education any of my sister and bother. This is just my two cents worth. No one ever make fun of me at least not about being left behind. I make fun of because of my last name and my son was make fun of because of his wonder red hair. Kids who are going to pick on kids with found something to pick on , so please do not let that stop you from doing the best thing for her. Oh my the way the nephew had a very smart brother they had a fine time gowning up. Your girls will be fine together and fact being in the same grade might help them be closer to each other.

Don't be opposed to having your child be held back. It will help her out in the long run. My nephew was held back from the first grade and did just fine. He was not made fun of by his friends and they actually transferred him into T-1 in the middle of the school year. My brother and sister-in-law are very glad that the teacher recommended that he be held back because now he is doing great. If your child are acting the way you described in your request above, then I can see where your 5 year old may need to be held back for maturity issues. I have a 5 year old as well and I know they can be a lot to handle especially with 3 other children. Good luck with this decision. I think holding her back would be best for her in the long run.

K.,
My son is 5 and will turn 6 in May. He repeated pre K this year and is moving on to kindergarden next year. It was a hard decision to make, but we decided to hold him back because he was a little on the young side and just needed time to grow up a little. Each higher grade is more demanding and we wanted him to be more prepared. I was worried that he would be made fun of and that he would be older than everyone else, but I found out that several other kids were in pre K again also. I'm so glad I made that decision. I have no doubt now that he will do well in kindergarden next year. He has really grown up alot this year. You may want to think about your daughter's size as well. My son is small for his age and is the same size or smaller than some of the other kids in his class, so he fits in well with them. If he was much bigger than them, it might have affected my decision. Also, look ahead to when she graduates high school. Do you want here to be 17 her senior year, or 18? My main reason for keeping my son back was to give him as much time to prepare for adulthood and the real world as possible. My son will turn 19 a couple weeks before he graduates. I think he will be more ready to go off to college at that point instead of just barely being 18. Anyway, just some things to think about. I hope it helps you make your decision.

Does your school have a transistional 1st grade? If so check into that. It sounds like a maturity issue. If the child will not demonstrate what they know- the teacher just has to go on what is demonstrated. I hope you and your teacher can work through this isssue together. I wish you guidance and clearity to do what is best for your child.