Dad Won't Cooperate

I have a friend whose wife still feeds their 5 year old son. When he asked me how to get her to stop and make the kid feed himself, I said "Eh, let her spoil him. It's her baby and she enjoys feeding him and he loves the attention"

Hi R.,

I don't know that I have any suggestion other then talking to your husband. You'll need to find out why he keeps bringing the baby back into the bed. Maybe he really loves it and appreciates the bonding time it allows him to have. I wasn't really into bedsharing but my husband was. We compromised and set the baby up in a crib sidecar (he has his space, I have mine and we all get what we want/need). Well now I love having the baby (15 months) close to me. Anyway, you might find that his reasons are reason enough for you to let the baby stay in bed with you or he may find that your reasons are reason enough for him to have the baby in the crib.

Good luck!

I have had somewhat of the same problem...but not completely the same. When I read your story/complaint, my first thought is to tell your husband that you will be sleeping in another room until he supports you in teaching your baby to sleep in his own bed. No nookie, no cuddles, etc till he cooperates. That's just a thought....now realisticly I would suggest that you sit your hubby down and politely tell him how important it is to you that your son sleep in his own bed and that it hurts you that he can't be supportive to your's and your baby's needs. Explain that this bed is your marital bed and that having the baby in bed with you is putting space between you and your husband and is not "helping" your son to become the independent person he NEEDS to be. Keeping him in your bed facilitates co-denpendancy...and sometimes creates serious anxiety for children later on. (ages 2-6,7,8...worste case scenario 14,15 and so on) Children NEED to learn to fall asleep all by themselves and to be able to sleep in their own room in their own bed...or you will end up with a 10 year old climbing into bed with you on an almost nightly basis after NUMEROUS attempts to get that child to go to bed to begin with. Does your husband like going to be at Midnight after argueing constantly with a child? I have LOTS of experience here. My daughter who is now 12.5, just stopped climbing into our bed a couple years ago when our last was born. We still argue for at least 1-2 hours at bedtime though. Nip in the bud, Sweetie. If you tell him how important it is to you, he should be more willing to cooperate.

Good Luck and God Bless you and yours!
M....(Mother of four...2,9,12 and 16)

Have each of you have clearly explained your reasoning to the other?

I brought my daughter into our bed because I was exhausted and needed to sleep so I could work (at 7 wks old). That was 7 years ago. She just moved out of our bed last week. Last night, she crawled in again around midnight.

Show him this. What you do now, lasts a life time.
Stephanie

You need to tell him that if this habit doesn't get broken now it will affect your time to be intimate because he will never want to leave your bed. A friend of mine couldn't get her daughter out of their bed and into her bed in her own room until she was 10 yrs old and her husband slept on the couch all the time.

Hi R.,

Wow, lots of co-sleeping supporters. Not that I am not a co-sleeper supporter, but I am more of a supporter of what makes you happy and comfortable. I always keep in the back of my mind, that just because my kids were born doesn't mean I lose the relationship with my husband. All of my kids sleep in their own beds, and always have. I made it clear to them that their room is exactly that, their room...their quiet place, sanctuary...if they needs some time alone, I agree to leave them alone in THEIR room..and they do the same for me. I seems we as women tend to lose the self we once had when we become Mommies, but we don't have to. When i go to a baby shower, i get the mom a gift...not the baby...something to remind her, she is still a woman as well as a mom. (My kids at 9 and 10 years old, still crawl in my bed about 5am, to snuggle before having to get up for the day...my bed is always welcome to them if they need it...ie: bed dreams, bed days, or just some snuggle time..)

With that being said, if you feel like co-sleeping is what works for YOU and your husband, support it, and who cares what the Dr. said. However, I wanted to support the fact that I was still and woman..and my husband still a man..with OUR needs still there. Even if it's just a little snuggle time of our own. If that relationship is not nurtured, you will have problems. Remind your husband of what it was like before kids...what you used to do before you had a baby in between you in your bed...you might get a little cooperation from him when you **SPARK** his memory!! ;)

Good luck!
D.

I know how hard it is, I did it for 5 years but now that my son is almost 10 I miss those nights so much. He didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 1/2 but then very abruptly decided when he wanted to leave our bed for his own room, no trauma, no drama, just like weaning, it was child-led. They are only little once so make the most of the time. Be thankful your husband is so accommodating to the family bed concept, so many of my friends husbands are not and it is truly heartbreaking for the moms and babies. I promise he will not be in your bed forever. For my family it was the only way we all got good sleep, otherwise there was LOTS and LOTS of endless crying. Now I have a very independant, confident, secure boy with high self-esteen and social skills that are off the charts. I'm totally with Nicole P, Tracy R & Tracey H who responded below. Hang in there and please give a high-five to your husband for me.

Ask your husband at what age will your son "move out" of his bed? The longer he waits, the worse it is going to get. Yes, your son will cry, but he will get over it. Are you getting the rest you need? If not, sleep in another room, maybe he will get the hint!

V.

Dear R.,

Maybe it would be good if your husband could read this. I have a six year old who is just now really learning to sleep alone and the road has been rough. It is for the exact same reason that it has taken this long for him to adjust. Can you imagine him sleeping in your bed at sixteen? I mean it just gets worse the longer we wait to get that worked out.

My husband and I have an only son by adoption whom we dearly love. We are also older parents which has made it easy for my husband to want to spoil our little boy. Spoiling isnt good and should not be confused with love. I mean on top of it, he is a strong willed little boy.

I am now picking up the pieces of my husband allowing our little boy to sleep in our bed. He has cried bitterly to come back and I have even had to sit in a chair near his room to keep him from being afraid of sleeping alone. It is just now starting to smooth out but I am still sitting in the chair for the first few hours.

This is extreme I think but it is all down to my husband not taking sound advice and me feeling powerless to fight any longer over it.

When he was little, he would go to sleep with a story or a song and no fight at all. My husband started laying next to him and holding his hand. Thats when it started to go down hill.

Having worked with Children a lot, I knew that this wasnt going to have a happy ending. Like I said, it is now starting to smooth out but has taken an abnormal amount of work and anxiety and it could have been prevented.

Cuddle during the day and spend a little time before they go to sleep. We read the Bible and sing and read other books and then it needs to be enough. We will cripple them if we dont allow for the normal t hings that need to happen in every childs life.

I think it is great that papa wants to spend that much time with his little boy. Mine does too and he is a great dad who sits on the floor with legos and so on but this sleep issue is really important for their normal growth and independance and for the peace and rejuvenation of mom and dad.

Our relationship suffered for it too. Someone had to lay down with him every night as he got so used to it. That meant at night when the kids should be asleep and mom and dad can talk, in our case someone had to lay down with out son and the other one was alone with their own thoughts and frustrations. We had no time together to talk.

I hope this helps and it is no way meant as a dig to dad just meant to show what happens down the line and how hard it can be to fix it.

Hope it helps,

P.

Just tell him no more sex! That might make him start thinking at least!

Maybe if you start leaving the room and sleeping somewhere else when he allows the baby in the bed he will get the point. Ask him if he is okay with allowing your baby to co-sleep for years, because that is going to be what happens if he doesn't learn how to sleep on his own. I would also ask him why he gives in to the baby.

hope this helps

Have you read about some of the benefits of co-sleeping? Dr. Sears has some good resources in his Attachment Parenting Book. My husband and I were going through the same dilemma. Now that we let our son sleep with us, everyone is sleeping much better.

I'm sorry you and your husband are not seeing eye to eye...it's a tough job being parents and trying to be a couple too. My husband and I are just figuring that out in the last year since our daughter was born.
I was completely obsessed with the sleep thing up until about 6 weeks ago. After trying SO many different methods (CIO which totally sucked, and then bed sharing which was OK, etc.), I finally gave up worrying so much about sleep. If I stopped worrying, my mother assured me, things would get better (she thought my daughter was picking up on my anxiety about the sleep) and as usual my mom was right. :-) My daughter goes down much easier now, but still doesn't sleep through the night. When she does wake up, I quickly reach over to her crib and put her in bed with us. We're all sleeping a lot better now.
Anyway, I'm the product of co-sleeping. I slept with my mom until I was 5 years old. She married my step-dad, and that's when I got my own bed. I still slept with them occasionally when I was scared at night. No problem. Then my sister was born. She co-slept, and eventually slept with me instead of my parents! We ended up co-sleeping in a twin bed until I left home for college! (At which point I hear she had a really hard time...) Anyway, we are both totally able to put ourselves to sleep now, and both of us still hate sleeping alone...but who cares?
I'm all for co-sleeping. I hope you and your husband can reach some middle ground on this issue. Good luck,
N.

My almost 4 year old son still sleeps with us -- he has ever since he was just over one year old and was VERY sick for 3 weeks and wouldn't let me put him down. He ended up in our bed as a way for me to get some sleep and he's been there since. Frankly, I think it's one of the best things we did. He is secure there. Why do we stick kids alone when it's dark and scary? Why do we expect them to "just deal" when we run to them quick as can be when they cry during the day? It's a funny thing. Anyway, lots of people think kids should be in their own bed. If you're interested in the "experts" opinions, google the phrase "The Family Bed" and you'll see lots of articles, etc on the subject. It's also a book, by the way. I personally like infants to sleep alone because I have concerns about SIDS and about my deep sleeping husband rolling over on the baby (which he NEVER has, so it's likely unfounded)...but my 10 month old daughter may just end up in our bed too. Just so you know, we have a big bedroom and our king size bed is on the floor, no frame, with my son's twin (also on the floor) right next to it. His bed is in the corner, so we have lots of room. Good luck to you with whatever you decide because it is you AND your husband's decision on what's best for your family. (I wonder if he's talking to his friends and network about how to get YOU to cooperate with letting your son in your bed) The other resource that helped me out was to read the first part of the book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" which describes how it must feel for a baby to be left to "cry it out". It made a lot of sense to me and made me much more compassionate. That's a good resource for you too if you decide he stays in his bed -- how to do it as painlessly as possible. Sleep deprivation is the hardest thing for me to deal with, so I feel for you. Good luck!

Hi R.!

It's really not a "bad thing" to have your little one snuggle with you for soothing. I applaud your husband for getting up and helping!

When it comes to raising kids with our spouses, sometime we have to simply "pick our battles"........ :o) Think of it this way, YOU are the one to stay in bed, and HE is the one to get up in the middleof night :o) I think there are many moms reading your posting that would've LOVED to have had ANY help from their husbands during the night :o)

My feeling is, just go with it!

~N. :o)

There are good point on both sides about whether to let your child sleep with you or not. My personal feeling is to let it happen. Letting you child sleep with you fosters a great relationship and gives your child a sense of peace. Your child wants to be with you. Why fight it? Don't you sleep better next to someone who loves and cares for you?

Both of my children slept with me until they were 2-3 years old. If that gives them security and allows them to sleep better, I'm all for it.

The bigger picture here is that you and your husband need to get on the same page about how to raise you children. With a preteen in the house (who is also a step child) you know there are much bigger issues then what bed toddler sleeps in.

Try explaining to your husband that you need your sleep also & bringing the baby into the bed is robbing you of your rest. Babies do have the ability to soothe themselves & they do sleep much better in their own cribs. This has been my experience. I have a 22 month old daughter & I was the one bringing her into our bed. Once we decided she would stay in her own bed- the entire family slept better. She did not like it at first- but it did not take long for her to get used to it.
A.

Hi, R.,
I am with the moms who advocate sleeping together. If you don't like sleeping alone (but would like to sleep next to your husband), it is only natural that your child also does not want to sleep alone. Our culture is one of the few that advocates independent sleeping, if only because we can afford houses with enough bedrooms for everyone to sleep on their own. I am a firm believer that allowing kids to feel secure with you at night will lead to very independent individuals in life. If you push them away when they need you the most (at night, when it is lonesome and scary), they may develop fears later on. There are many moms who advocate the family bed. You can check out mothering.com and there are several posts about family beds. My husband held the same position as you did, wanting our son out of our bed. I ignored all his protests, because I believe that it is IN THE INTEREST OF MY CHILD to have him sleep with us. He was in our bed from age 2 until 3.5. At that age, he felt ready to sleep on his own and in his own bed. He transitioned beautifully, with the help of a night light that changes colors, soothing music and his blanket tag (which he plays with to self-soothe). Now we have our 8 month old in the bed with us and I intend to keep him there until who knows. If you really think about it, this time in their lives is precious and VERY short-lived. Before you know it, they will not want the hugs and the cuddles and will be striking out on their own. A year or two in the bed with you is such a short time in the larger picture and they will not be in the bed with you until they are 10! I cherished my time sleeping with my first son and it is so weird that now he is nearly 4 and has no desire to sleep in our bed! Best of luck. Sorry I did not address your question on how to get your husband to cooperate, but I did want to present a different perspective.

Hi R.,
In the end, it's what works best for you and your husband.

Family bed worked great for us. My boys are older now (8 and 6)and I miss that time with them. They were in our bed from the time they were infants up until the age of 3-4.

The pros...wonderful togetherness with no bedtime battles to speak of.

The cons....alone time with hubby requires creativity and understanding.

Both boys chose when it was time to sleep in their own room and neither feel the need to come back in and sleep with us. Both are independent and secure about themselves.

On the positive side, at least he's an attentive dad.

I'd say, pick your battles.

I, too, was frustrated that my hubby would keep our eldest son in the bed with us beyond what I wanted or thouight was normal, since my daughter was in the crib from day ONE and most doctors suggested against it at the time.

Anyway, in the end I LOVE the co-sleeping NOW. Plus, it gives my some sanity when I can get a full nights sleep. And I find that my children who co-slept are more affectionate and want more hugs and kisses than my daughter, who didn't co-sleep EVERY night.

So, now I say - go for it. Although, there are nights that I just put the new baby in the co-sleeper (attached to the bed, but in his own space) so I can have MY own space - or we can have OUR own space. I think co-sleeping/family bed type situations provide a sense of security that many American families lack in providing these days.

Enjoy the tender loving moments with your children while you can. They don't last forever.

Mom of 4: 19yr girl, 11yr boy, 6 yr boy, 3wk boy. ONE girl before marriage, THREE boyz after.

p.s. Each of my children transitioned to their own beds at the appropriate time as well. The 11yr old only snuggles with us during the day - or we'll have a camp out as a family in the living room. The 6yr old sometimes wants to crawl into our bed after he awakes in them middle of the night, but since the baby came, he goes into his 11yr old brother's bed. It's the sweetest sight in the morning to see them snuggled up together! Any the 19yr old will snuggle with any of her brothers at any time. Beautiful...