I am looking for your ideas and suggestions on what your ideas are for the best ways to teach my 1st grade daughter why "friends" aren't always nice at school. She is very hurt and confused as to why kids that she knows are her friends, people she's played with during the summer and will be in girl scouts with again this school year are not always nice at lunch or on the playground.
I don't want to 'get involved' with their mothers, or be oversensitive to my child's interactions with her friends, but it does hurt my feelings to see her so rejected.
We work hard to teach our kids to be nice, to stick up for their friends and to "treat other people like you want to be treated".
Now I know my kids aren't perfect either, so please don't think I have her on some pedestal.
Is it "normal" for friends to be fickle and be "friends" one week, and refuse to play with a kid the next week? Why do girls have these "teams" (cliques) where they are so exclusive of other kids? My daughter has been nice to this one little girl in particular who has severe allergies and glasses, and I have taught her to stick up for her and be her friend. Now this girl is calling my daughter silly names, that hurt her feelings, and running away from her to play with other kids. Now I don't expect them to be joined at the hip or anything, but her "meanness" is catching me off guard too. What do I tell my daughter on how to deal with this "friend"?
As you can probably tell, I wasn't in the "IN" crowd growing up either. I was friends with most everyone. Being an athlete helped me to break through some of the clique barriers. So I am not well versed in how to help my young daughters to deal with the hurt and frustration that I too felt at their age.
I would love your ideas and suggestions. If you have any books that would help me to coach them through these hiccups I would appreciate those ideas too.
Many thanks Mamas!
We JUST read the Berenstein Bears "Trouble with the In-Crowd" (Or something to that effect) last night ... VERY helpful! We are working with my son to learn that being friends DOESN'T mean hitting, pushing, wrestling, touching .....
Good luck!
By the way, I remember my Mom telling me at a very young age that girls can be cruel. She said to never be that way ... and sometimes, boys were OK friends too. It stuck with me forever.
Hi Mom,
Unfortunately it seems that this is the way some kids are, and it's mostly the girls. I learned in a child development class that boy have more of a tendancy to do well in a group and prefer playing all together, whereas girls will pair up. It's why once they get to middle and highschool there is all the BFF drama with breakups, makeups, and cheating like it's a relationship and not a friendship. I also think it's what motivates girls to find a friend and leave others out and "pick" a friend a day and so on. It's mean. It's uncalled for. And, when it's YOUR daughter, it's heartbreaking.
The thing we have done with our daughter is to giver her her own sense of power over these things. It has been very important to me that she not feel at the mercy of someone else's behavior. I encouraged her to step outside of the girls she knew and to make knew friends, especially on the playground where she might see girls from other classes. I emphasized the point that it isn't really about whether or not they will LET her play but whether or not she WANTS to play with someone who is being mean to her today and will probably be mean to someone else tomorrow.
I did a lot of coaching and roll playing with her on how to respond in different situations so that she was not stuck there with her feelings hurt and not knowing what to do or say. If she wants to play and they tease her she can say, "I would rather play with someone who is nice to me. I don't want to play after all." Because she networked other friends she has others to play with.
Encourage the importance of not following the crowd, although it's tempting in this eat or be eaten society that some girls build, because they are being mean to Lucy today, but it may be her tomorrow and then not only will they not play with her, but Lucy probably won't want to, either. Also, you are using these girls as an example of who she doesn't want to be and teaching her to think empathetically when these situations arise.
That's what I would do and I hope it helps,
L.
Dear MOTG,
I could write a book about this but time doesn't allow for a lengthy response.
Girl trouble started for my now 3rd grader in first grade. Girls are fickle. That is how they are. Friends one minute, shunned the next.
We tried to instill in our daughter the importance of having MANY friends. We also taught her the difference b/n a good friend and an aquaintance. Not everyone has to be your "best friend". Any lastly, we taught her that being mean was never allowed and would not be tolerated. Even if she isn't a good friend, she must always be nice.
My daughter has had trouble with one girl in particular. The mother is a very solid person who has alway been open to a mom to mom dialougue. You have to thread lightly with this but don't discount the huge impact that a solid Mom to Mom front can provide.
Lastly, by the end of first grade there was some definate girl trouble going on during the lunch/recess hour. The teacher invited the school social worker into the class. The SWer had a special girls only lunch and read a story about inclusion and negative effects of bullying. The girls responded tremendously well to this intervention. This is a big hot button issue in the schools now. If the issue becomes larger as the school year continues, I would highly recommend tapping into additional resources within the school.
I hope this brief reply helps. Feel free to contact me if you have further questions.
ADD: I agree with SM. We have also given our daughters the permission to remove themselves from situations where friends can't get along. Better to walk away then stick around for trouble.
I don't know of any books you can read. I, too, was not a part of the 'in' crowd growing up, but I don't really remember it bothering me too much. In second grade, one of my friends seemed to go from liking to not liking me overnight (I found out later that it was because her mom had found out I had been molested :( and didn't want her daughter to be around me anymore) and my feelings were a bit hurt, my mom asked me if I REALLY wanted to be friends with someone who would be unkind to me. No, I didn't!
Now that I have kids, I see how hard it can be on a parent to see their children being treated poorly. My oldest son has some 'friends' that I just do not understand-one of them will only talk to my son, and I quote, 'when no one else is around to see'...my son isn't bothered by this, and while I am, his friends are his decision, to a certain point.
My daughter, on the other hand, wants to be miss popularity and feels terrible if anyone isn't her best friend. On more than one occasion when she has come home upset about one of the kids being 'mean' to her, I have asked her if they were being 'friendly' or not towards her, when she answers no, I ask if SHE was being friendly (sometimes she wasn't!), we talk about how it is hard to want to be friends with people who aren't friendly...why would she want to be friends with them if they are acting mean, and why would THEY want to be friends with her if she is acting mean? Then I tell her 'well, maybe you shouldn't play with them until they decide to be nicer.' My daughter will walk right back out and tell them that they can't be friends until they decide to be nice to each other, lol. Usually things are okay in a relatively short amount of time, but there was one little boy in our last neighborhood who I had to ban from our house/yard because he couldn't be nice to anyone, including me-he didn't like it when I told him it was unacceptable to physically attack another child (who was walking away from him at the time)!
What's breaking my heart here is that you're talking about FIRST grade! I expect it from ten-year-olds, but six-year-olds? Well, times have changed.
If it were me, I'd talk with the teacher. Most teachers don't like this to go on, and they deal with their students about it!
You'll need to tell your daughter that it's too bad her old friends have this new game. Tell her there isn't something wrong with her. Encourage her to be friendly to everyone - to stand up for other kids who are called names - and to wait a bit. Waiting isn't wimpy. (Being bullied is another thing. She mustn't let that go on.) She might find herself with new friends - or some old friends might come back. I know there are children's books that deal with this situation.
It is true that groups affect behavior. You know this already. People are different as individuals than they are as group members. That has to be dealt with in a different way, because there will always be groups. Whether those groups turn into cliques is another matter, and often it has to do with the character of the group leaders.
I haven't read this, but read an article about it and added it to my amazon wish list so I don't forget about it. My daughter is only 4 but I am NOT looking forward to these situations, because I know I will be very sensitive about it. Good luck!
Here's a link to the article:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20100825/hl_time/08599201318400
Here's a link to the book:
Little Girls Can Be Mean: Four Steps to Bully-proof Girls in the Early Grades
by Michelle Anthony
http://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof/d...
Great question!! My daughter is starting first grade this year at a public school after being at a small kindergarten. I am so nervous for her and expect this to come up so I will read the responses carefully for ideas.
We have had very minor hints of this in the past, and here is what I have done/said on various occasions and probably not this clearly.
First, it is okay to not always want to play with the same people all the time or the same games everytime. If a friend doesn't feel like playing your game, then you can't make them. And sometimes you feel like playing with a different friend, right? If someone doesn't want to play with you, it doesnn't mean they don't like you or that you did somehting wrong. It is just how they feel at that moment. It would be nicer if they included you, but it doesn't mean they aren't your friend.
Second, I expect YOU to include everyone in your games unless they aren't being kind to you and the group. Kindness means taking turns, letting everyone speak, and generally not being a bully.
Third, some kids aren't good at using their words to express themselves beacuse they are still learning so you need to be patient and use your words to help the situation. Ask someone if "shat's wrong?" if you feel like there is a problem and maybe you can help figure out a solution. Or tell them, "I want to play together. Can we compromise?"
Some kids, aren't encouraged to talk as nicely as you are. It doesn't mean they are bad, it just means they aren't good about thinking about how others feel So you need to tell someone when they hurt your feelings and tell them it is not okay to be hurtful.
Finally, if someone is treating you badly repeatedly, you need to remove yourself. Not forever, but just until everyone cools off. Try again another day. Ask other friends if you can play with them instead.
Easier said than doen, huh?
By the way, to echo some of the other comments, I once heard a reallly good coping strategy for girls is to make sure they have lot sof sets of friends. School friends + soccer friends + art friends + neighborhood friends etc.. That way, they never have too much invested in any one group of people. It says, "You act you don't like me, but that's your problem. I have lots of friends."
You say, "I'm sorry honey, it's really sad when your friends aren't nice to you. Sometimes people can be mean. Why don't you try to make friends with some other girls."
That's about all you can do, assuming girls aren't actually bullying her. It's life.
