I have a second grade daughter. She has always been anxious and shy since she was a baby. She is alert and does well in school, and has many good friends. She has one or two very close friends, and in general she is a one-on-one kind of a person; not a social butterfly.
I had noticed that during the past two weeks, my daughter's best friend not wanting to play with my daughter, so I asked my daughter about it. She told me "I don't know... But she yelled at me in the bus when I tried to sit next to her. She doesn't want to play with me in the park or recess either..." To this, I said "Do you remember accidentally hurting her feelings lately?" My daughter didn't remember doing this. So I went to talk to the girl's mother.
Apparently, my daughter told her friend "Don't sit with so-and-so, or else you can't be my friend." and "You'd play this game with me if you are my friend." After being told these things several times, her friend stopped playing with my daughter. My daughter is clueless about why her friend stopped sitting with her in the bus and, and is upset by this.
I thought all of this is part of growing up. My daughter is going to learn to be nicer to others because she learned that if she tries to control her friends, she might lose the friendship. But I got a feeling that the girl's mother thinks my daughter is a mean girl. I told the girl's mother that my daughter is still not skilled at being socially graceful, so she is clueless that she was upsetting her. So, please let me or my daughter know next time before it becomes a big issue. The mother agreed with me.
I always talk to my daughter about being kind to people even if we don't like them, and respecting differences, not bragging, etc etc. Still, should I be worried about my daughter becoming a mean girl? Should I be doing something different? At what point does something go from "part of normal childhood thing" to "becoming a mean girl"? My daughter has been on the receiving end of the same comments from other girls in her grade too, and I didn't think those girls were "mean"...
It has been a whole year since I wrote the original question. Things haven't changed. My daughter and her friend is still very close and plays a lot, but the girl's mother seems to be unhappy about their relationship still. Soon after I the original post, the girl yelled at my daughter at a party saying "I don't want to play with you!". My daughter came running to me in tears and told me that all she said was "Hi" to her. It hurt me too, of course! But, I didn't say anything to the girl's mother because it was between kids. I comforted my daughter, and found a nicer friend for her to hang out at the party for the day.
Six months later, the girl and my daughter were playing together in our front yard where I could see and hear them. My daughter was being bossy, so I stepped in to remind her that she cannot control everything another person does. My husband who is good at being goofy came out too and made the situation funny-ish so the tense mood would break. I told my daughter to try harder to be a better listener, and asked the girl to speak up to my daughter when she is forgetting to be a good listener. The girls laughed and nodded their heads, then parted for lunch. A day or two later, the girl's mother wrote a note to a guidance counselor at the kids' school. The counselor pulled the two girls out to have a chat with them. I was offended by this because (1) the girl's mother lives right across from our house, but went straight to the school counselor instead of talking to me (2) I don't know if my daughter had a chance to really explain what happened, (3) it happened in our yard and me and my husband intervened, and (4) my daughter was confused and worried that she was in trouble because the counselor didn't notify me of her intentions to give them a talk.
It has been another 6 months since this, and the similar situation is arising. I am getting so irritated of my daughter being accused of being mean. My daughter sometimes gets upset with this girl too, and asks me to "call her mom and tell her about what happened" but since it is not a bully situation (equal powers, just fighting), I don't say anything to the other mom. I just comfort and try to empower my daughter by giving the right social skills for the future.
By the way, I have talked to the classroom teachers, and none of the teachers think my daughter is being mean at the playground ( I asked them to observe my daughter a couple of times). One of the teachers even wrote to me that "...probably the other parent is being over sensitive."
Just yesterday, the girl's mother told me that she is telling her daughter to stay away from my daughter for a while. That same evening, the girl and another friend came knocking on our door. It was late, so the kids didn't play, but I am wondering what is going on with the whole thing. I am really confused.
She doesn't sound mean, she sounds anxious. Sounds like she's afraid that if her friend plays with so-and-so or sits with so-and-so then her friend won't like her.
Good luck!
It really depends on your vantage point, so to speak. If I'm the one being bossy and rude, I'm learning social skills. If I'm the one being treated badly, that kid is mean. So all of you are right.
Second grade seems to be a traditional time for trying out this sort of behavior.
So you can say to your daughter, "That way doesn't work, does it? You said if she didn't obey you, she couldn't be your friend, so she decided not to be your friend. Is that what you wanted? I know it looks as if some girls get away with doing that stuff. But they really don't, and now you can see why. The best girls don't put up with it. How would you really like kids to act toward *you*?"
It's good for a child to know what makes her appear mean to others, and how to appear kind as well. Of this learning, real leaders are made, and sometimes cliques are kept from forming.
She'll also learn she can overcome a "mean" image - which isn't hard to do, once she gets started. If she can learn to say, easily, "I'm sorry I acted that way; please forgive me," her social skills will be ahead of those of many high school kids.
I have two girls (12 and almost 16) and ALL girls are "mean" at one point or another. Your daughter is learning how to navigate girlhood, it is a complex and often nasty place. Just keep talking to her about what it means to be a good friend. What you describe is actually pretty common behavior in girls who have only a few, close friends. They are more anxious to hold on to those friendships so they often do just what your daughter did, try to control the friendship by not "allowing" a friend to talk to or play with another girl she finds threatening in some way.
Buckle your seat belt mama, it's gonna be a long, bumpy, emotional ride :(
first I want to say you are amazing!!! a lot of other moms would have imediately been in the "that other girl is mean and wrong and my little angel is being bullied" mentality. I love that you asked your daughter first if she had maybe accidently hurt her friends feelings! I think, that overall, this is just a normal part of growing up. we all have hurt friends feelings and have had our feelings hurt by friends. your daughter will grow and learn the ins and outs of friendship and being social with a group. I think you are doing everything RIGHT!!! your daughter is NOT being mean, just a typical kid
This is a great time to have a heart-to-heart with your daughter. Tell her exactly what she did that hurt the other child. Have a conversation with her about the difference between what you "mean to say" and how it is received. She's old enough to understand if you are specific enough that what she said was hurtful and why.
Don't talk in generalities- be specific so she doesn't do it again!
My 3.5 year old came home the other day upset because one of his classmates told him that if he didn't play Batman he wouldn't be his friend anymore. We talked about why that was hurtful and what he could do if that child did it again. My advice to my son? Don't play with that little boy anymore. My guess is that a similar conversation was going on at your daughter's friend's house with similar advice.
She's learning a lesson and I'd bet she remembers EXACTLY saying what she did. Let her work it out and ramp up the reminders about not having to *like* everyone, but having to *respect* everyone!
I'm glad you posted this question and I've enjoyed reading the responses! I also have a 2nd grade girl (as well as one in 5th grade). When my 2nd grader was in preschool we often went to the park afterwards with 2 other children (a girl and a boy) and their parents. One day my daughter came over to me and said "they're leaving me out!" I tried to stay out of it, but since they were only 4 I eventually gathered the 3 of them together and asked them what was going on. They'd always played so well together! Well, the other 2 pretty much said that all this time they'd been playing what MY daughter wanted to play. They were done with that. And then one of them said "Yeah, we're a little sick of her." Broke my heart! But at the same time, who could blame them? I think I'd be a little sick of Miss Bossy Pants too! So my daughter and I had a conversation about being bossy, taking turns deciding what to play, etc. So far things seem to be going along fine. Another story - just last year my 5th grader got on the bus to come home from school. Since she was in the middle of a conversation with a friend she sat down with that friend, instead of sitting with her BFF as usual. The BFF walked by and said "Have fun with your new best friend" and then stalked away to another seat. My daughter got off the bus and told me the story, and she was really hurt. I chalked it up to the BFF just being incredibly insecure. I spend a lot of time with this particular child and have seen insecurities all over the place! So, it's tough being a girl. Even though I was 8 years old 30 years ago, I still remember ALL of that angst!! You're doing a good job by talking to your daughter about it. Keep the lines of communication open. She'll be fine :)
The point that it goes from normal to mean girl is when parents do nothing. You are stepping in, and I think that's a big part.
I can only talk about my personal experiences with my daughter. When I see things that start to look shady to me, we do a lot of talking. We need to get down to the bottom of why. We also talk about what happens when you get in those situations. We talk about if she is feeling insecure, scared, or whatever. We go over the mean girl thing a lot. Why not to be a mean girl, what to do around a mean girl, what makes a mean girl. This is a conversation we have over and over again.
It sounds like she is a little insecure. She isn't maybe trying to be mean, she is just manipulating her friend because she is afraid her friend will drop her for someone better or more fun. I would talk to her about why her method will backfire, build her self esteem, and coach her on skills to make friends. Then she won't feel such a need to cling to one.
I agree...this is a good lesson learned. I think you just need to keep coaching her on the right behavior.
Boy do I not look forward to these things....
I think it is good that you found out and are going to speak with her. Children will test and some will think their parents will never know. When you do find out, it is a good time to remind your child, that you never know who is listening or watching, so it is best to always try to be on our best behaviors..
And yes, she sounds insecure, so you need to work with her on not depending on others to make her happy.. Also it is more fun to play and be friends when we are not bossy.
You could have described my daughter. I have found that second grade girls are still learning how to be socially correct. My daughter freezes when there are more than 2 girls involved in play. They will often throw out that they only want the other girl to play only with them. I have told my daughter it isn't nice to control others this way and that if other girls say this to her and it upsets her then she needs to say that to the other girl. She would much prefer me to call their mom but I have told her that it is her job to speak for herself and I let them try to work it out. Because of the different personalities in her class, the school guidance counselor has also tried to intervene and teach the girls tips on how to work things out on their own. This mom may think of your daughter as the "mean girl" but eventually she will realize that her daughter has probably said the same things to others also. It usually blows over in a few days. Tell your daughter to tell the other girl that she is sorry that she upset her and that next time could the other little girl tell her when she is upset.
I don't think she's on track to be a mean girl, I have seen this from all the kids in my daughter's 2nd grade too, at different points since kindergarten. Her best friend is a boy, and he said those sorts of things too. I understand the mom's reaction, if she hadn't seen it before, it's very upsetting. I think you are doing well to talk about it a lot with your daughter, and to ask the mom to look out for such behavior and to bring it up to you. That's the exact reaction that keeps kids from becoming mean girls later -- you take it seriously and take appropriate measures. It's the ones who ONLY shrug and say "kids will be kids" or who pretend they didn't hear it who will be creating mean girls.
Make sure when you talk to her about it that she remembers what it felt like to hear it from other friends. If you can get her to put words to it (I felt sad, or lonely) it will help her think of how NOT to make her friend feel next time. And remind her it;s OK to be frustrated with friends, and to want your own way -- what are other ways you can express what you want without making a friend feel sad? Practice the words, she'll feel more comfortable next time in real life.
We're in for a load of girl drama in the years ahead, I never thought it would start so early, did you?! You're doing great!
This is typical behavior for kids that age -- not mean girl behavior. She is being overprotective -- jealous, if you will, of the friendship. So, I wouldn't worry, but I would talk to her about it -- basically that her friends will have other friends and it is okay if they spend time with them too -- in fact, that's how you make more friends, etc. Just coach her on how to manage relationships -- its one of the hardest things human do and they learn it as children. As for the other child, her mother probably told her to not tolerate being told what to do and that is correct as well. So, I wouldn't worry about what the other mother or child thinks, I would only worry about your daughter learning from the experience and it ending up being positive for her.
