My step father especially over the last couple of years, has taken an active interest in my 11 year old more than he ever did with our older son. He texts with him, he wants to spend as much free time with him as he can get and has even planned an overnight camping trip with him, before talking to us first. My problem is that my mother and my SF do not seem to be able to accept that it is all a little too much, and in my gut borderline inappropriate. My step-father is younger than my mother by a bit, in fact closer in age to my husband than her, and it feels like he's crossing the line in what should be special time with grampie, and over into replacing my husband (and his biological) father as the father figure in his life. (he's taking away alot of the "firsts from him - first time running a lawn mower, ect, things that he should be sharing with his dad) Subtle hints that they need to back off don't seem to work, it only has made my mother accuse me of thinking my SF is a molester, which is in no way the case, I just think he needs some boundaries. Our son is hi s grandson, not his BFF. Any suggestions on how to remove this elephant in the room so we can get back to normal?
Ran out of room in first posting, the thing is, my husband coaches my son, and spends alot of time with him, he's a busy kid, with alot of invites to friends house in between sports, which leaves little family time as it is. The subtle, "he's busy this weekend" has not worked, it just becomes like we are keeping him from him. And yes, he should spend more time with the other grandchildren, that would make it seem a little less focused on the one child. He never spent the quality time he does with our older son, who could have used it alot more, back when my husband did not have the time to spend with the boys that he does now. Thanks for the input, I'll follow up when we have reached a better resolution, this has been ongoing for awhile.
See if you can schedule specific times for Gpa and let it go at that ... you all are busy and would like to keep track of what is going on ... and tell him that he needs to run activities by you guys before he runs them by the kiddo b/c some things are already being planned out and we do not want to cross wires.
This is a little weird. I read so many posts about parents WANTING their grandparents to take an interest in and spend time with their kids and you're saying it's too much?
I think we all need to get these ideas out of our heads about who gets to do which "firsts" first! Does it really matter that grampie taught him to mow the lawn? What DOES matter is that he is there and present for your son, right?
What we have done with our kids, since they were 2 years old... is, we taught THEM... that 'we' are the parents... that for ANYTHING their Grandma/Aunty asks them/invites them to/wants to give them...that they need to ask US first.
So they do.
We explained to them, that we are their parents... that others may not know what is allowed or not... or what OUR plans are... so they must ask us first. Not just say "okay" to whatever the others tell them. So because of that, it is not a problem. My kids' Grandma and Aunty are very strong personalities... and this is how we solved it.
My Kids Aunty for example, will call my DAUGHTER... and ask my Daughter to go places etc. She will even say (if I answer the phone first), "I called for Sally... put her on the phone." Then I tell my Daughter the call is for her. My daughter will THEN tell her Aunty "Wait, I have to ask my Mommy/Daddy first if it is okay..." so then, that nips it in the bud... from their Aunty, "deciding" what my Daughter does.
IF my kids are out with their Aunty/Grandma... they will ALWAYS call me first.... and 'ask' if they can have such and such or go to somewhere else.
My kids ALSO know what is allowed or not, and I brief them first, before going out with their Aunty/Grandma. AND I tell the Aunty/Grandma... TOO. First. Clearly.
I do not 'hint.' I TELL them, clearly and succinctly, and nice but firmly.
all the best,
Susan
Is this bothering your husband? Has he said that he feels left out and wants all the extra curricular activities with Grandpa to stop? If not, leave it alone. A boy having a very close relationship with his grandpa is not a bad thing, but a very good thing.
If your husband does feel like he's getting pushed out then encourage him to talk man to man with grandpa and tell him that dad needs to be included on plans before they are made. There are some things that a father wants to experience with a son first.
Either way, try not to cut down the time they spend together. If your son has someone he can talk to and spend time with, that's great! Not inappropriate at all.
Nope, sounds wonderful to me that he wants to spend all this time with him. But I do find it sad he is giving one child special treatment and not the other. I would approach it from that angle. He needs to take both boys out...
As far as you feeling his competing for special father-son bonding, just learn to tell grandpa no on certain things.
"We are busy that day" or "His dad is taking him fishing that weekend, but you can take the boys next weekend."
Of course, if dad isn't spending the quality time with his kids, that's one thing he needs to change. Grandpa can't do all the firsts if his dad isn't making the time to do it himself. If dad is spending time with the kids, then just let grandpa have time later, tell gramps the kids need a break to study or have another activity planned, then tell him what a good day would be.
Really though, don't put so much stock in those "firsts" what really matters are the subsequent activities that follow and that is what lasts.
I would drop the subtle hints, and move to being blunt. Let them know how you are feeling. After all, you're family and should be able to talk about things. They may be a little hurt, but it would be for the best.
Best of luck!
I think maybe just have your son start saying "no" to some of the requests. If he obliges every time he is asked to do something, or promptly replies to all texts, it only helps to encourage your SF. In the meantime, perhaps your hubby can be more proactive about planning things with your son so that he can preempt your SF.
On the other hand, my dad spent most of my childhood out in the garden or garage, so we didn't have much time with him unless we went to his man cave. He is not any better with his grandkids, so perhaps the grass isn't greener on the other side.
Talk to him. Tell him that you really appreciate that he is taking an active grandparenting role with your son but you are concerned that your hubby may be missing some of the "firsts". Ask him to please understand that you are not saying he can't be involved but maybe take a step back so your hubby can preserve some "father son time".
The situation is up to you to control. If you don't want your son to be with his grandfather than just don't let him go, no explanation necessary, you are the parents. That said, please take a look at the other side. I would give ANYTHING if the grandparents of my kids gave them a moment's notice. The one grandfather that did died when they were young and my son only vaguely remembers his grandpa that played with him, gave him gifts, and treated him special. We made a conscious effort to connect our kids with special people to make up for their lack of family when they were little and they (15 and 17) are still very close and have amazing relationships with these people. I know they will always be there for them, something our families never have been.
My son is 7 and has already had a lot of the same "firsts" with his grandfather that I thought my husband would have with him - using tools, mowing the lawn, working on the car, etc. Daddy is not upset & actually was happy to see that he is so well rounded from spending time with Pepe that now he can help Daddy without having to be more closely instructed on proper use of the equipment so they can just get into the projects that they do get to do toghether. Talk to your husband and see if it bothers him, if not then let it go and be happy that your son and Grandpa have a special bond. Maybe this son shows more interest in doing things with Grandpa than your other son did and that is why Grandpa seems to show more interest. I spent every Friday evening sleeping over my grandparents house and looked forward to it but my sister only stayed when she had to because she wanted to be at home with mommy so my grandparents somewhat showed more interest in the things I did because I showed more interest in wanting to be with them.
