Being Flexible with Parenting Time, but Getting Screwed Over

Well it seems like its hard to accomodate the both of you when you want her and when he wants her.... Perhaps get a parenting order in place, then the days are set. and if there needs to be arrangements here and there then work on them then. But for now seems like you need a parenting order. Just becarefull how much you let him have her because it can backfire on you and he can bring up "well i have her majprity of the time" and he could win... But look in to a parenting order :)

I ask you to please not screw your daughter over on the water park because you know they have talked about it and she is excited about going. Let her do that, but from here on out, if you don't want to give the extra time, say "no" --- you don't have to give any reason. It is your time, and you are not required to sacrifice your time for their convenience. If you take away the water park, you are the bad guy to your daughter. Do this for HER, not them. She will be very happy. And you call a friend and go to lunch, get a pedicure, see a movie or whatever you like and enjoy some down time to yourself -- you deserve it!

Hi A.,

From what I remember of your previous posts, I would stop giving them this "extra" time and stop being "extra" nice to them. You do not owe them anything, just follow the parenting time order issued by the courts. It seems to me that they are working at getting full custody of your child down the line. You need to nip this in the bud NOW because it will hurt you in the long run, not to mention the relationship with your child. I've been there, done that. My daughter is now 15 and finally, she understands what happened and we are rebuilding our relationship. But since your child is so young and doesn't understand, your ex and his wife can turn this around and make it look like you are pawning off your child on them because you don't want her.

I feel you need to focus on your daughter and NOT on the 'X' issues, and as others have said -Do NOT take this event away from your daughter as she did not do anything wrong. You need to get your schedule in order or stick to what was decided.

As I have said before - you NEED to sit down with all of those that are caring for your daughter and All of You need to come up with the solution of days. If this cannot be done on 'neutral ground' then you need to do this with a lawyer for the custody to be arranged.

This is for the emotional well-being of your child~ you really need to be the bigger person and care for her and not so much over what the ex's are doing to you. Your child is now around these other people, they are apart of her life whether you like it or not. All this anger, angst, etc. will affect you and your daughter's relationship down the road if you do not take control of your self and your behavior and get over the issues vs. working them out. Are you really willing to risk that?

With the holidays here, I am pretty sure everyone in your daughter's life would like to have time with her for the holiday celebration, just as you want to be. Sit down and talk with everyone and get this schedule arranged.

Trust me, I have been in the middle of my parents and I remember the let-downs and I felt is was all my fault~ even though it was not. I really wish now that they all communicated then so that perhaps I could have a better relationship with those in my life.

EDIT~ You have said that your daughter isn't aware of the water park... Have you asked her if she knows she is doing anything special with her dad? If not, then please do not underestimate what your child may know even at this age. Little children have BIG eyes and ears and notice more than you think they would.

I agree. We teach people how to treat us and it seems as though they are taking your kindness for granted. Consider your daughter before you decide anything about next week and be very stern about your decision with little explanation as possible (you owe them nothing only your daughter)to cut down on any arguments and start planning with your daughter on your time and give up time if you can (on your time) but do not go out of your way to do so. It maybe a good idea to find someone who truly supports you to watch your daughter on the days you have her if you need to work.

Since you already promised this time next week, and your daughter is looking forward to it, keep your promise. Change things from now on. You can see now that it has not worked out for you. It is only one more week and you can get things back to normal. You dont want your daughter to get caught in the middle.

You have already gotten some good advice, I just want to add something to it. When you tell them no, stay non-emotional. Don't make out like you are punishing them for lying to you. Be very factual, don't give out too much information. You could say something like next week will not work for me, sorry maybe next time & just repeat if they try to get you to say why. My ex would always try to get me to give him a reason & when I would give him one he would say that's not a good reason, then I would find myself making up reasons. You don't have to have a good reason other than its not his time to have her. Now that's not to say when his family comes in out of town that occasionally you can trade, but that needs to be worked out ahead of time & ya'll need to switch times, he doesn't get double. Stand your ground. It will be hard but you can do it. Again don't let him get to you. Focus on being a great mom to your little girl!

Good luck & God bless!

I understand you wanting to keep the peace for your daughters sake. But I agree with you when you say enough is enough. You have to put your foot down and let the X and his girlfriend know that you are the mother and you deserve respect and consideration for your time with your daughter. Stop letting them control your life. Because that is what they are doing by not being considerate of your time. Good Luck!!

A.; yeah tough situation, but if they throw a fit and you give in, you are teaching the adults they get what they want, any time, this is also why the courts say every other weekend and then on wed, and every other holiday, stick to dates programed ahead of time, and be consistant, this consistancy will make everyone happy and they will know exactly when to get her and when to bring her back, consistancy works for adults too, you have shown that you dont care about consistancy and since you dont care about that and give her to them any time they want it, they now feel they dont have to be consistant, so make your yes mean yes, and your no no, and the consistancy will benefit your child too, and she wont be confused as to when she goes to dads, that way you can put the exact dates on the calendar and she can eventually know for herself where and when she is going, im glad her surgery went well, your time is your time, his time is his, if you step outside of this, it confuses everyone, and even the adults want more and more, so stay consistant, if you dont have courts involved, then set up times that will be consistant, one similar to the courts, or as needed per your family, take care and keep trying to do what you can to be consistant in all your ways and dealings with life, D. s

I think you said it all with "it is way past time to let them know you are not a doormat". While it is nice that your daughter has opportunities to have fun with her father (although is he even going to be at the waterpark?), you are letting them control your time with your daughter and they are taking total advantage of your tendencies to avoid conflict and confrontation - from your prior posts, I would say that they figured this out long ago. Until you put your foot down, start being her parent and set boundaries with the ex and wife, this will continue -- you should tell them you didn't appreciate that they wasted your time the other day and that is unacceptable and inconsiderate of your schedule, you should tell them that you know that the friend is not a sister (the lies will keep getting bigger, I have no doubt) and that you are on to this - you should seriously question letting your daughter go away with people who think nothing of lying to you to get their way - I don't think they sound trustworthy - will they watch your daughter with as much care as what you would provide? This may be the time you want to take back control and plan something equally fun with your daughter instead of the waterpark. Just ask yourself - what would be the worst thing that could happen if you put your foot down now with them? Maybe the Dad gets a little bent out of shape, but so what? I am sure he will get over it and you will have the added bonue of knowing that this is a good step for you in setting boundaries with them as well as the time you are entitled to with your daughter. Good luck.

A. ~
OK, I think I'm gonna be the Devil's Advocate here...

I have been on both sides of this type of situation ~ my son has a step-father with me, and I have step-children.

This really sounds like it's more about you, your ex and his wife than it is about your daughter. So maybe you should stop and think about her. OK, so it's a friend, not a sister, but maybe they're as close as sisters...or maybe they knew you'd say no for just a friend. You said yourself your daughter would have fun...so let her go. My ex and I fought, but we never had court-appointed visitation. If he wanted to take my son on vacation, he took him, and vice-versa. You keep talking about you giving and not getting...but your daughter is getting some special times. And it's the holidays, so alot of people have more going on this time of year than usual.

I promise, that in the long run, your daughter will know who did what for her, not for themselves.

I'm not saying to agree to everything all the time, but if you don't let her go and you just stay home with her, who wins? not her.

good luck!
D.

I would tell him that you are sorry but she can not go!! Tell him that you need sometime with your daughter and lying by calling this women his Sister in law to get you to agree was wrong. Tell him that there has to be honesty or you may never agree to give him extra time again. You have every right to know where your kids is at all time. The fact that she was with grandparents or step grandparents does not mean anything. You have a right to know anytime they go very far from home. Especailly if he is not there.

You've shown flexibility. You've been more than generous and accomodating. But you've been taken advantage of and lied to, and the "Oops! I forgot" stuff is old too.

Time to 1. talk to your attorney, 2. Put an end to it. Sure your daughter could have fun at the waterpark, but that's not supposed to be an all the time thing anyway. If you have fun activities planned, follow through. And if they remind you or they get inconvenienced, "Oops! I forgot!" back at them. Make out a schedule, keep one, give them one, and stick to it. If you have custody, they are the ones that have to plan around your schedule.

Be careful. My ex took my son an extra day a week for about 2 months...then went to court to get an extra day added to his visitation for good...the court said that a pattern had been established and he was granted the extra day permanently.

My parents were divorced when I was 5. They had a strict schedule and stuck to it. (Monday/Tues. with mom and Wed/Thurse. with dad, alternating weekends). You should tell your x no more extra days and late drop offs. If they want to take her to the water, they can do it on their own day, and if they are "the adults" about it, they won't tell your daughter about the missed water park opportunity and she'll never know what she is missing.

Tell your husband that consistency, predictability, and routines are ESPECIALLY important for children of divorced parents. Your daughter needs to know that every Monday (or whatever day) she will be at dad's house and every Wednesday (or whatever) she will be at mom's house. No exceptioins. If my mom couldn't watch me on her day due to a business trip, she left me with my grandmother (not with my dad) and if my dad and step-mother had an anniversiary date, they hired a babysitter. This was not to be spiteful, but to stick to the routine for me.

If he doesn't believe it's important, tell him this...
Even though my parents DID keep the routine, I STILL have this dream to this day (and I'm 36) - I'm in high school and I have a basketball game, but I'm at my dad's house and my uniform is at my mom's house and I can't find it and my coach won't let me play without it and I can't figure out how to get to my mom's house to get it. I have variations of this dream (a project due at school, my pompoms for cheerleading, etc), but it always involves confusion due to my living at two houses.

STICK TO THE ROUTINE!! And if he doesn't abide, see the judge.

Remember, your daughter is most important in this case, not your ex-husband (or you).

So sorry he is doing to this to you. I hope he works with you.

Good luck,

A.

I think it's wonderful that your ex wants to spend so much time with his daughter. I think it's even more wonderful that his partner wants to spend time with your daughter. We all know how often that's not the case. Fathers are often absent or reluctant participators. Step parents even more so. Perhaps just expressing to your ex and his partner that you miss her and feel a bit frustrated and used, while still allowing your daughter to enjoy the waterpark might be an acceptable solution.

I'm sorry that you're in this situation. It really stinks when you feel like you're being taken advantage of. For the most part, I agree that you need to stop giving more time and just stick to the original schedule. However, I would worry about changing the plans about next week now. Does your daughter know that she's going to a waterpark? If so, she may be very disappointed and resentful (I'm sorry, you didn't say how old your daughter was, or maybe I missed it, so maybe this isn't a concern?). I guess I would weigh her feelings and reactions with your need to stand up for yourself and get more time with her. Either way, it'll work out for next week and from then on you can start being more firm. And if you don't have a parenting schedule that's set from Friend of the Court, please do that! It will make your life much easier if your ex starts trying to strong-arm you. (Trust me, we've been there!). Good luck!