**Need Some Advice on Dealing with Son's Father!!**

have you changed legal custody or are you just trying it?

Honestly I wouldn't worry about the 50-50.. document his behavior (school etc)

dad no having a job will not make the judge want to give him custody either

First off ~ you are a great mom who definitely has her son's best interests in mind ~ as evidenced by doing whatever it takes to ensure your son has a good relationship with his father, spends enough time with him and is interested in making sure that your son comes first. Let me tell you that no court would look down upon you for these actions ~ so having that in mind your next step is to contact your attorney (if you have one from the divorce) or get an attorney right away. Explain what's going on ~ the bad mouthing in front of you; child falling asleep in class; child not listening, etc. Ask for a mediation appointment through your court system and ASK FOR FULL CUSTODY with third party visition (you could ask for no visitation and use as bargaining tool ending with third party visitation). Also, make sure your custody order is very specific as to days, times and whose responsible for pick up/drop off.

Also get your son into counseling right away. Go with him as you can benefit as well. You might be surprised that his behavorial problems may be his way of sending you a message that he's not pleased or happy with the divorce; and, the counselor can ensure that he understands that it's not his fault things didn't work out, that he needs to learn to express himself in a more appropriate manner. When all is said and done and his behavior doesn't change, then you can decide if medication is another viable option.

So in the meantime, I would suggest that you stick to the visition schedule without additional time; hold your son accountable for his actions and make sure you discipline him lovingly (i.e., time outs, toy/game/activity takeaway) and reward him with special activities when he has a good day/achieves a goal. Get an activity calendar you can set up that lists his responsibilities (i.e., chores, etc) and put up stars or sad faces as appropriate. If he gets so many stars one week with 1 or 2 sad faces, he gets a reward; too many sad faces and he doesn't get a reward.

As for your ex-husband, it's time to write a letter (with a cc to your attorneys) in which you outline all his behavior that is not acceptable (i.e., bad mouthing you in front of your son) and be specific with incident dates, etc. In this letter advised that if the behaviors don't change, you will seek full custody with NO VISITATION; that you have contacted your attorney who is on board to file necessary papers as soon as possible. Invite him to sit down with you and a neutral party to discuss a parenting schedule and plan that will benefit your son. Remind him that it's not about the two of you, it's about your son.

I wish you all the best.

Why would you agree to a 50/50 time split with a father who is unemployed and plays computer games all day? If you have full physical custody, you are in control. Why don't you just stop all the drama between your ex and yourself, which is clearly damaging your son. Step up to the plate and say NO. If your ex takes you to court over custody, what are you worried about? He doesn't work so how could he get custody?
Take your precious son out of this situation and stop listening to and talking to those who tell you your ex is bad-mouthing you, since you don't communicate.
Your son must come first. Stop feuding!

B.-
I have experienced something similar to this recently. Every situation is different so I'm not saying you are in the same situation as me, but, I was being very lenitent too and my son would have behavior problems as a result of changes in his routine to see his dad. Finally, I found out that my ex was doing drugs and drinking, which was why he was bad mouthing me and acting inappropraitely around my son. That may not be the reason why your ex is talking about you in front of your son, but regardless of the reason, it is emotionally damaging to your son to hear him talk like that.
In my situation, the only thing that worked, and it was SO HARD for me to do, was completey withhold visitation from my son's father. It seems that you would be taking valuable time away from him that he should be spending with his father, but at what expense? If he is being damaged emotionally by visiting with his dad, then what is the purpose of his visitation?
The one thing I had to find the strength to do was to set VERY strict boundaries and follow through on them because I am the protector of my son. You are the only one that can protect him from damage such as this. It is very hard because he will probably blame you and say he doesn't love you and all that, but this is his way of dealing with his emotions. You should feel blesssed that he feels comfortable enough to express those types of feelings with you.
You and your son need to find counseling with a VERY good therapist that deals with family separations! My son is only 4 years old and it has done wonders for him!!!!
Be stong and know that your love for your kids will get you through this!!
Good luck!

Your son need the consistancy of having the same routine. If the teachers see a difference in his behavior at school when he is in your EX care try and get something in writing from the teacher documenting this. This is great amunition if you are going back to court as it is a third person's point of view. And indicates that something is not right at home with your son when in your EX care. It has been proven that consistancy at night helps with school during the day. That is why they usally give weekend visit to one parent and care during the week to another parent. Your son is old enough by California/Sacramento Family court rules to talk to the mediator to tell them what he wants to do. You need to ask your son who does he want to live with you need to know this.

In the mean time follow to the letter what the original custody order specifies as the orders are usually written with the kid best interest in mind. The more times you are flexable and leanent the more your EX will think he can get away with. Do not be afraid to get the shariff involved if you do not get your son back on the days he is supposed to come back. Any additional time that you did not know he was keeping your son comes down to kidnapping and the sheriff and the courts do not put up with that.

If you have joint Legal custody he may have the right to change schools but he has to get your approval before he can do that. School should be the one he has always attended and the court recommend this unless he has changed school frequently due to moving or other circumstances.

As for lawyers I can not recommend a good one but I can suggest one to stay away from her name is Sharon Hoyle.

Stick with the court order, it will save your life!!! I lost custody of four out of five of my children as a result of my leniency and my ex was a batterer!!! Go back to the original plan and stick to it; do not budge. I do not get along with the father of my five children, either and he did go back to court and, mind you, one child at a time, he won!!! Mind you he is a deceptive fellow, who wooed several judges and got over on them. He does not even help in the care of his children, his mother and girfriend are taking care of them, while I am being robbed of precious time with them. I spoke up and did whatever I could to address the issue, but it was not enough. Your concerns are very valid. If you do not want to lose your son and go through the heartache I am going through, get back to the original plan and stick to it. I am sorry, I just cannot say it enough. I worked all the time and had no support system and I needed help for the kids, but in the end, I lost them one by one. If you have a support system, use it, if not, build one. My ex had a mom and a very nice girlfriend that he uses profusely. The girlfriend is saving up so she can leave him, but too little too late, she helped him and a good mom is sans some precious children. My ex is manipulative, I hope yours is not. One of my kids wants to come home, my 16 year-old daughter, two are confused, my 11 year-old daughter and my 14 year-old son, and my 17 year-old son hates me and is just like his father. The three that I think I should have are afraid of him and have an attorney that was appointed by the court; he has the children fooled into believing he is the better parent, so they won't speak up to the attorney, who can defend them in court. My ex also talks bad about me in front of my kids. For a while he even had his girlfriend fooled, but she soon found out how I really am. People say such deception always comes out in the wash, but it may just be too late for me. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Save your son while you can. You will be glad you did. I can go on about the ill behavior of my ex that led up to all this, but it may fill a book.

As far as a family lawyer, depending on your income, you may qualify for low-cost or even pro-bono legal assistance. It depends on where you live, check for the services offered in your area. Contact the bar association in your state, as well.

AND if you need support, email me at ____@____.com. I live in the Sacramento area in a city called Antelope.

I have a daycare child that has gone through this same thing. Every if he takes you back to court he will not get any more time then he already has. They will not give him full custody so don't even let him try to tell you that. He can not change schools without a court order. In all of the cases that I have seen the child is to remain at the school that they have been going to all along. If you have full custody then he would stay at the school closes to your house. These parnets also tryed different schedule and what has worked the best is every other weekend and one week day visit with dad.

Hi B.~
You and I have the same schedule and I stick to it. When it comes to holidays/vacations I become more easy going, but lately since it has back fired I have gone back to "by the paperwork."
Start a journal of everything that is done and said by the ex and by your son from returning from dad's house. In the long run if returning to court, the journals will help show the judge your ex's behavior. Letters from teachers are always nice, but not be surprised if they don't want to get involved. If they email you with your son's issues, print them out and put them in the journal. Fwd the emails to your ex and print that out too ~ so the judge can see you are trying to communicate with your ex.
Counseling is an excellent suggestion ~ Eva Anson, Fair Oaks ###-###-####. My daughter saw her a few times and it helped.
Also, try not to let your ex get to you. You can't change him so stop thinking he will. Your main focus should be your son and that is where all your energy needs to be. Screw the ex and let him dig his own grave!
Good luck and please email me if you need to talk. We have a lot in common after reading your post.
____@____.com

First of all you're doing a good job, and don't ever forget that. If his dad doesn't have a job, then how can he provide for him anyway, and/or get full, half, and/or anything else. I suggest you go back to the original plan and stick with it. Don't bend over backwards for anyone whose not doing the same for you. I know that you want your son to have that relationship with his dad, but it is what it is. If you're allowing him to go when he's not suppose to and he can't even bring him back, then forget it. You're son needs stability and it sounds like that's what you are. It's okay for him to do the Thursday and everyother weekend, becuse that's all his father can handle. Your son doesn't visit his father to hear him ridicule you, so the less he sees him, the less he has to listen to that mess. I'm a single mother and know how it is. My son's father doesn't talk bad about me, not that I know, but he has a wife that regulates everything. He has no backbone and since he's been married to her, my son has been the back burner child. They have no children toghether, but his two olde sons from a previous marriage live with him full time. It's hard when you have young men to raise, because we can't show them how to be real good men. We can only give them the basics of life, and pray that someone else will be a positive role model in their lives, and/or their dads will step up to the plate and stop being so bitter. It's obvious your ex still has feelings for you, because if he didn't, he wouldn't waste his time talking about you so much. I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, you have to seek him and know that he'll take care of you and your beautiful gifts. Hang in there and continue to be consitant with your boys. It'll always get worst before it gets better, but it will get better, and in the end, your son will respect you for not allowing his dad run all over you. Good luck and I'll be praying for you and your situation.Oh yea, and conseling for your son my be a good way for him to get those angry feelings out, because my son and I talk, but he won't talk to me about everything. Just a suggestion!:)

Kristine Cummings (not sure of spelling) on Madison Avenue is a fabulous lawyer. Give her a call. I used her when I lived out of state for a divorce in California that I was having problems with. She is reasonable and does not use your $ up quickly. She is gutsy and gets things done. I do believe she is a family laywer.

B.,
You need to do what is best for your son. Keep him at home with you, and let him get his sleep. Also, keep the
custody papers with you at all times, put a copy in the car,at home and at work. It sounds like things could get sticky, but you have to keep him in check. Get him to a
neurologist for a formal Add diagnosis. The less change in things (ie spending every other week at dads) and more
sleep will definetly help the situation. Our son does
horribly if he does not get enough sleep, or if things are not what he is used to. (he has add and a processing disorder) As for the talking bad about you, my real father spoke like that about my step dad and my real mother. We ended up formulating our own opinions as adults, and making educated decisions. Neither one of us
speak to our real father. Our mother was there for us,
he left and did not contact us for 10 years. And he still
can't let things go even if she has died. To bad for him.
In short your kids will figure it out, but if you can seek
a counselor, and see if she can help you get some strength with keeping the weekend only boundaries, and how to get your ex from talking like that to you/or about you.

Go back to the court order. Dont' let your son play you. He knows that he gets away with stuff with dad, that is why he wants to stay longer. You are the tough parents. Make them follow the rules. If he tries to get custody, I'm sure the teachers will let the courts know how the child is when at dad's vs mom's. Do what is right for the child, if he is ADHD or ADD he needs structure. If dad wants to do something special on your day, let him know he needs to tell you atleast a week in advance, and don't let him to it often.

How many ways can you spell sabatage!!! You know this is not helping your son and is destroying you're relationship with him. 50/50 doesn't work. Your son must have structure and a rigid routine in order to function at school and in life. You say you work full-time, do you have EAP where you work? They can help but you need to get control legally and have your son at home, going to the same school with the same teacher Monday through Friday period. Explain to your ex- that it is for his son's future for this is the time that he is forming character for the rest of his life. Its' common for your son to have short attention span, to wonder, and the teacher is telling you that this situation is not working. Cut the apron strings. If you can't cut them how do you expect your son to in order to get what he needs. And shouldn't his needs come first, not an ex? Good luck. Hope you get many, many responses for there are many out there in the same situation.

Dr B.