Behavior - Arvada,CO

You look at them pointedly and say, "Thanks, I've got this. You take care of (name of their kid)."

It won't take long until they get the point.

How exactly do they "refuse to allow" you to parent in front of them? You don't need their permission.

Stand up for yourself and your child.

I agree it's time to speak up directly to BIL.
"Bill--I'm on it. You're right, NONE of them should be doing XYZ or abc. I'll talk to mine--you get yours, ok?"
That should do it.

Have you told them not to do this? If you haven't had that conversation already, it's long overdue. Just call your sister and say "hey, I've noticed that you have a habit of disciplining Johnny when I'm right there. Please stop doing that. If you have a problem with how he is behaving and you don't think I'm addressing it, then direct your feedback to me and not him."

Then if/when they do it anyway, call them out right there in front of everyone, politely, as Christy Lee suggests below.

Have you told your sister how you feel? I used to so the same thing with my cousins kids... I had watched them often enough that I was comfortable in my authority over them, and would automatically react when they were misbehaving... Even if she was standing right there. It wasn't anything against her, just my natural reaction and I didn't even realize I was doing it. She took me aside one day, and mentioned that it bothered her when I parented her kids in front of her. After that, I made a conscious effort to stop. I still caught myself occasionally, but she understood that it was an automatic reaction and instead of being offended would just tell me, "I've got this." It signaled to me that I was doing it again, and served as a gentle reminder to back off. Lol.

Anyway, maybe you could just say, "I know little Johnny's behavior doesn't always meet your standards, but it is something we are working on. It is hard for me to work with him though, when I don't get he chance to be the parent. Could you please just let me know if you think he is doing something wrong, and I will handle it."

Also... I just want to add; Just because a bunch of kids are doing something, that Doesn't make it ok. Rules should be followed, no matter what the setting. Relaxing of he rules should be situation-based, not what-the-other-kids-are-doing-based. ;)

N.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

When you say "sibling" - you mean SISTER, right? Sorry but that just sounds soo freaking cold and distant by saying "sibling".

You first need to find a routine that works for YOU and YOUR son. The more you change your parenting - you say you "are always working on ways to help him behave" - so he might be confused as to what is acceptable and what is NOT acceptable.

How old is your child?
How old is THEIR child?

Maybe they are stepping up because they don't see you doing it. Before you go out anywhere with your SISTER and your brother in law? Set the ground rules...
"Jane, we are going to the park. I realize that you feel the need to correct MY CHILD, however, he is MY child. You are confusing him when you try and correct his behavior."

You MUST stand up and PARENT. You must role model the behavior you want your son to have as well. You MUST be consistent in your parenting. If you are NOT consistent your child doesn't know which way to go.

If you can't handle them parenting your son? Then limit your time with them. MANY people on here recommend 1, 2, 3 Magic for parents who are having trouble with their kids.

I cannot stress enough the importance of CONSISTENCY. Stick with a plan and act on it. It takes at LEAST three weeks of CONSISTENCY to make it routine.

Find some parenting classes in your area. That might help you too.

You need to stand up and tell them ENOUGH. Better yet - SHOW them you know how to parent your child. Take action. If they won't listen to you? Then ask them to leave. You can always state "Thanks! I appreciate you wanting to parent MY child. I've got it."

Good luck!

Talk to them when you are not in the situation. If it's your sister, tell her that you would appreciate it if they do not discipline your child when you are present. It's one thing if you're not around, because someone has to say something, but they're being disrespectful otherwise, especially if they aren't discplining their own for the same things.

If they don't respect you, don't visit. It's not worth it.

You need to learn to stand up to them. You got good advice so far... just point out that "I've got this..." or 'I'll take care of my child and you take care of yours"

They will walk all over you as long as you allow it.

And furthermore.... NO child is perfect ALL the time.

You said..... my brother in law took him and wouldn't let me talk to my son

It would take that to happen ONCE and I would not ever spend time with them again.

I would seek out a counselor so that you can better understand the dynamics of your family and how you can manage them in order to be an effective parent. It doesn't sound like that is a healthy situation.... For you or your son.

I agree with all of the statements here advising you to not spend time with family members who treat you badly. Your son needs his mom to make parenting decisions, not his aunt and uncle. I would suggest you take a parenting class in order to gain the skills you need to parent your son without outside interference.

If you have told people what you need, and they refuse to do it, you need to stop spending time with them. There is no excuse to parent someone else's child when the parent is right there. Relatives or not. ESPECIALLY when you have told them not to. Tell them you don't want to hang around them until they stop doing that. Also, if you are having discipline challenges with your child, your child DOES NOT NEED to see you being undermined by other people. It further takes away your power in your child's eyes. When they refuse to allow you to parent, you physically stand up, put up your hand, say, "Thanks, I've got it" and remove yourself and your child from their presence either to enforce discipline in another room if YOU feel it is warranted, or to just leave because they are being creeps.

Love and Logic is great. For some kids. It is not firm enough for some other kids. Try the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson if you think your child's behavior is more difficult than it needs to be, and once you have more control, you can revert to Love and Logic most of the time.

It might be worth it to spend less time with your sibling's family.
In the mean time I'd tell your sister and husband that if they feel something needs to be looked after then they can bring it to you but they should NOT be telling your child to do anything.
You're the Mama, it's your child - they need to butt out and mind their own kids.

Get right up close to them and say quietly, "I will handle this."

Then decline the next invitation, and the one after that. If they ask, just say that you and your child haven't been having much fun so you'll do something else with some friends on that day. If they persist, tell them that your child gets too confused about who his parents are and you're going to spend "together time" with him so he is more supported. Tell them you'll try again when he is "a few years older" and can handle their rules. Wish them well and go home.

And if my brother-in-law took my son away and said I couldn't talk to him, I'd be forcing my way in, cuddling my son, and putting him the car to take him home. No way would I allow anyone to tell me I can't see my child.

Do not put up with this.

Is there some sort of cultural structure that makes this more permissible in your family? It's really very uncommon in American society.

why are you letting anyone else deny you access to your own child?
i would refuse to be around someone like that at ALL!
:O
khairete
S.

"my brother in law took him and wouldn't let me talk to my son"

I'm not really sure I understand what you mean here. Did he stand in between the two of you and physically stop you from talking to your son? Did he take your son into a different room and not let you follow? Maybe he was talking to both kids and you just felt like he wasn't giving you a chance to say anything.

If you could give some more details, it would really help.

I know when I am e caught off guard, it can make it hard for me to act. My brother has done this to me a few times, where something happens between our kids and he just jumps in to handle the situation without thinking about the fact that one of the kids is mine, not his. But we have a very good relationship, and it can almost guarantee I've the same to him once or twice.

A really great thing that works for me, be it my brother or SIL or a friend or a stranger in the park is to simply say, "I've got this, thanks!" Then put your arm around your child and guide them to another area or room so that it's just the two of you. This might catch them off guard at first, but they will grow to respect you for it.

That's just plain weird for him to take him away and to tell you not to talk to him. He's not even your brother???

When I was in a group of parents MANY yrs ago, we had an agreement that any parent in the group could redirect a child that needed discipline.

You need to tell your sister EXACTLY how Love and Logic works--and that you will step in and discipline your child-- unless u are not in the house.

Have a talk before u get together again.

I just l'ost a long message to you and I'm not doing it again. I'll just say this:

Get away from your family and completely change your life. Are you a passive parent? Your child is very little and he needs the security that only a mothers love can give him. Put lots of love and attention in his life. He needs to be hugged and kisses and accepted. Everyone is setting him up for failure at this rate. Stop the madness and educate yourself. There is too much education out there to short change yourself. Go to the library and get a book. It takes more than logic, what does a four year old know of logic.

From birth to about age eight children literally soak in everything from their environment, each person and thing, especially their mother. Think about how big this is. There is no difference in themselves and their enivornment. That why tv and games, and electronics affect them so deeply. So do away with it. Remember, what goes in must come out.