Is Is Appropriate for ME to Discipline My Nephew When My SIL Does Nothing?

I have the same problem with my niece's kids. They were over at Christmas and the 2 1/2 year old was just a nightmare. Granted, he was doing typical toddler behavior, but my home isn't child-proofed anymore and his parents knew it - we discussed it with them before they came over. His parents didn't care. They spent most of the time either smoking in their car or texting their friends on their cell phones. Fortunately, said nephew's grandma (my SIL), volunteered to watch him. My other SIL and my oldest girl kept an eye on him too. I was too busy being a hostess to watch him. Another nephew threw food at his brother. I witnessed that and reprimanded him right then and there. "There is no throwing of food in my house. I don't care what name your brother calls you." His father (my BIL) heard me and took the kid aside and echoed what I said. It was nice to have the back-up.

I'm a pretty big proponent of "my house/my rules" and "kids need boundaries." Actually, most kids are better behaved when they are at my house. The parents are suprised to hear that their kids were good or were no problem.

I don't buy the excuse of "boys will be boys" either. All children need to learn and abide by the rules - boys don't get a free pass just because they are boys. They have to learn to sit still and listen too. Parenting any child can be tiring - so don't give me that BS. Good parents are consistent - even when they are tired.

Lastly, when my kids were little and we were invited to someone's house, I watched them. I didn't expect my host/hostess to run after my kids! Sure, I couldn't necessarily relax and enjoy the time - I'd have all these partial conversations. My husband and I would take turns. I always thought that was part of being a good guest - I would keep an eye on my own kids. When we wanted to go out and have a relaxing time, we hired a sitter.

In your case, I would keep an eye on the kid and if he did anything dangerous or something that could harm someone else, I would step in and tell him no. Or if he was screaming. I would pick him up and put him on his mother's lap with a not so subtle, "Watch your kid!"

Good luck!

Hi there! I just wanted to add that I feel for you! We have a similar problem with my neice and SIL. My husband and I are trying to instill manners in our daughter who is 18 months old. While I understand that she is still young and doesn't understand everything quite yet, there's no reason at all that we can't teach her some manners. That's what it boils down too is manners. One mom on here labeled you as "strict" it's not being strict, it's teaching your child to have some manners when they are in other people's homes. Nothing wrong with that at all! I love when people say..."Oh they're 2, that's what 2 year olds do." That's just an excuse for the people that are too lazy to discipline or teach respect and manners.
So I say, it's your home and they need to respect your rules. Just as you would respect other people's rules.

Is there anyone else in the family who will also say to her, at big family dinners, "You need to get him to stay in a seat" or say directly to him, "You have to sit in your seat?" I think if everyone is saying the same thing to mom and dad, they need to listen up. It's not right for him be allowed to stand on chairs or crawl under the table if the other children can't, and if it's your house and children aren't allowed to do that. You may have to pass on inviting them over, and not be the one to host the big holiday dinners if this is such a problem. It can be hard for a toddler to spend a long time sitting at the table, once the food is done, they don't really want to sit and talk. But when my kids were small, one of us would have taken them away from the table to not disturb others (or one of my niece/nephews would have done it, they were teens when my kids were little)
I believe that people use the "boys will be boys" as an excuse not to discipline their kids. I don't believe in "boys will be boys." I believe in boys will behave. When you expect good behavior, kids can give it! But if she just believes that this is how he should behave, then it gets her out of having to discipline him.
I didn't accept different behavior from my son than I did for my daughter.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I expected my kids to follow the rules at other people's homes, and when they were very young, I helped them to do that. Nephew's parents are not doing him a favor by not expecting good behavior, both at home and at other people's homes

Sorry I didn't read the other posts, so if I am repeating I apologize. IMO-it is your house, your rules! If a child comes to my home, I expect them to follow the same rules as my child does. Nothing ridiculous, but no jumping on the furniture, no throwing balls in the house...etc Pretty basic stuff. I do expect manners of children also such as please and thank you. If a child is here and they are acting up, I would pause first to let their parent jump in, but if they do not, then I have no problem telling the child no or that the behavior is not allowed in my home. I don't yell, but I use a firm voice so they have no question I am serious. This is the warning. If they proceed to act up, I will send them to the time out corner as I would my own child and expect an apology for the behavior when the time is up. If the mom has a problem with this, then I can show her the door. This business of parent's that let their kids behave like wild animals in someone's home is ridiculous! They should be embarrassed at their child's behavior and lack of simple manners. How can you take a child like that anywhere? I don't get it. If you are not at your home, then your hands are tied. I would just leave the situation myself until the other parent gets things under control. But in your home, you have every right to expect a guest to control their child. For the other adult not to do this is mind blowing! Yet another child that is confused about who the parent is.....how sad!

Also the notion that a child can't behave because they are a boy is absolute garbage! Gender does not determine bad manners and bad behavior....parenting does. I have done daycare/nannying for almost 10 years and have watched children of both sexes. Sometime the boys are better, sometimes the girls. What really matters is what the parent lets them get away with and the excuses they make for their child. What a bunch of baloney. That nonsense is right up there with the whole "Husbands cheat because they are just men and prone to it." Stop stereotyping boys into being insensitive Neanderthals by the time they are 5! Kids are kids and they like to play, but they can also be taught when it is appropriate to sit and eat dinner and not jump on couches. And of course if a child is special needs, then there are going to be different expectations as far as behavior goes, but this is just an average child you are talking about.

I have your SIL's kid and I feel for you and her. It is a hard situation to be in. But, my kid really cannot sit still for more than a couple of minutes. At 3, he was diagnosed with aspergers so now I know why is was so much more than most kids at 2. People also complained that if I disciplined him more, then he would be able to listen better. What those people did not see is all the things we tried at home and all the "normal" discipline methods just did not work for us. So, I know it is hard for you but maybe you can try to understand where she is coming from too. I bet you that she wishes her kiddo stayed still and she is probably doing the best she can. I don't mean to defend her but I just want you to look at it from a different perspective. It really is hard to have that kid. Trust me!

Its your home and you have the right to say what you want. Just because she doesn't want to say or act on anything doesn't mean you let your nephew run your home. Step in and say anything to him. Thats your home and you do have rules and if he's not following them then don't expect your children to follow them either. Why shouldyou have it tense or let a 2 year old have the say about what goes on in your home!!!

My bil doesn't like that I say anything to the kids about when they do something in my home but too bad its my home and they have to follow rules. The kids act better for me than him and listen to me and my husband when we ask them to or not to do something.

It depends on how close you are to your family.

My nephews are just like my kids...always have been...always will be...and I discipline them when they are at my house, even when their parents are there too! My sister and I have two totally different parenting styles as well but we each let the other dictate how things are at our own houses. You should just sit down like adults and talk.

Keeping them out of your house is pretty harsh...I can't even imagine? Why would you want to do that? Your nephew is only 2...you guys should sit down and come to a "happy medium"...after all they are your family and will be with you your whole life...better to get this taken care of sooner rather than later.

IMO-There is something to be said for the fact that you do only have girls...boys are a different breed of kid, then girls, no doubt about it. They ARE very busy especially the "boy-boys" so your SIL does have a valid point. You might want to reevaluate what you deem to be acceptable and not acceptable in your home...I would hate for you to miss out on the very special Auntie/Nephew relationship you have the privilege and option of cultivating because you have no patience for his exploratory nature! I have several boys and I can tell you for certain that they can/will/do jump off/on everything/anywhere...no matter what! Maybe just try to embrace this new challenge...you might just surprise yourself...it's a lot of fun to be the Auntie that spoils and buys them the stuff you no for certain his parents don't want---Like drums! :)

Crawling under the table I think is universal...we all have had that conversation before...it shouldn't have ruined your Christmas.

You're absolutely right - this is a REALLY annoying thing to happen as well as a very touchy subject.

First off I think you need to discuss this with your brother and not your sil and enlist his help in keeping the reigns on his son out of respect for your home. I think it's okay to redirect our guest's little ones, especially family, but I dont think it's okay to discipline them.

Since he is a rambunctious 2yr old boy, you do need to give him some wiggle room and understand that girls are different from boys and that dinner is not going to be as peaceful as it will be in a couple of years. A 2yr old isnt going to stay seated on his own at a different table for a meal much longer than 15 minutes - he may leave and come back but I dont think it's reasonable to expect him to maintain formal dinner party manners at that age. It's also your responsibility as a hostess to make sure ALL of your guests feel welcome no matter what their age. Perhaps next time, distract him with some special toys or cars, etc. that he can play on the floor nearby or set up a movie in the next room while you all enjoy your conversation. Perhaps even "hire" one of your older children to keep him entertained for a time or hire a babysitter to watch all of your kids.

As hostesses, we have to take all of our guest's needs into consideration and that includes helping to manage their little ones in a way that is fun for all and not overstepping our boundaries.

You make it quite clear that you have a serious problem with your SIL. You need to realize that everyone has different parenting styles. It sounds like your parenting style drives her as crazy as her pareting style drives you! Obviously she is "relaxed" and you are "strict" in your styles. You two need to sit and talk. You need to agree to disagree, and start to show each other more respect. She has made rude comments about your parenting, so she needs to show you respect too. Can you two agree that you won't talk about each others parenting styles, and you will stop all rude comments?

Parents who choose to raise their children with more relaxed discipline are not bad parents. You say yourself that your nephew is NOT doing anything inappropriate or unusual. He's not setting your house on fire, he's not hitting your children....he's just being a typical two year old, right? Your SIL must be doing something right. Unless you see him about to do something that can hurt himself or someone else, then I think you need to keep quiet. He can't be in your home for too terribly long, maybe a few hours? You need to grin and bear it for a few hours.

I find it sad that you are trying to keep them out of your home. This is your nephew. This is your daughter's cousin. Family is irreplaceable and life is too short! You and your SIL need to work out your differences. You both need to stop being so judgemental of each other and enjoy ALL the children while they are this young. Because that is who you are really hurting by all this silly bickering and avoiding each other. I wish you luck and I hope you and your SIL can mend your relationship!

I think what you said above is key - it is YOUR house and you expect guests in your house to follow your rules. If she doesn't like your attempts to step in when she doesn't curb her own child's behavior and wants to leave, then let her leave. You can't control that. And she is going to have to make the decision to either control her own child, or isolate herself from the rest of the family. Let her decide.

I have 2 boys (5 and 3) and my identical twin sister has 2 girls. We have very identical ways of raising kids, but have realized that raising young boys (in our case at least) is MUCH more difficult than raising young girls. While her girls is much more calm my boys are both extremely active and have trouble sitting still. My advice is that you realize that it is much more difficult for boys to sit still, and let her do what she thinks is best for them. If they do something that is more than just annoying (e.g., hit people, break things) and your sister then doesn't discipline, I think you have a right to step in. And I think you have made your feelings known to her about the annoying things. But I don't think you hsould keep pushing the annoying things or you may hurt your relationship with her. If it bothers you that much then don't invite her over as much I guess. I realize I am a bit biased because I am in her shoes (not yours), but this is my advice. Just know that it is HARD HARD HARD raising very energetic boys so maybe have some sympathy for her.

Good morning! I have had to deal with this issue with several friends AND my sister.
My answer is YES, go ahead and tell him no, and tell your sister in law not to come over unless she can have her child behave. There is no reason that a visiting kid should make you miserable in your own home. If she is so derisive of your parenting style then she can stay home.
I am so sorry that you have to endure such a blatant lack of manners!

It is very hard for an active 2 1/2 year old boy to sit for a meal. I have 2 boys and the older one was terrible at meal time. He just didn't want to stop playing and eat. Before he turned 4, I tried to avoid going out to eat with him because I knew it would be a battle. Now that he is 4 he can finally sit and we can actually enjoy a family dinner. My younger son has no problem sitting for a meal so I think some kids just have a harder time than others. Your Nephew probably eats quickly and then gets bored so give him something quiet to do while everyone else eats. It should get better over the next year.
Also, have some compassion for your SIL. She just wants to sit and enjoy a meal like everyone else. Active 2 year olds can be exhausting and you can't understand unless you have been there.
Also, I would only discipline the nephew if he is being destructive with your belongings or doing something that is potentially dangerous.

If you break this down into what is your business, and what is your SIL's, it might make it easier to sort out. How she raises and disciplines her children is her business (unless it's so hazardous or neglectful the law gets involved, anyway), but the behavior you request in your home is your business.

Before you invite them over again, you might wish to have a conversation with your SIL applying the prinicples of Non-Violent Communication (google NVC for more info and tips). Here's a brief overview of a basic application of the technique:

1. Make a factual observation. Do not load it with judgement. Just the facts, so that she might have described the situation in pretty much the same words. "The last time you visited, all the other guests appeared to be distracted and uncomfortable when your son was crawling around under the dining table, and you didn't intervene."

2. Describe your emotions during the event. Avoid loaded language, drama, or judgement, but don't hold back from stating your feelings, simply and clearly. People can tell you your ideas are wrong, but it's a lot harder to argue with your feelings. "As hostess, I was distressed and felt angry. I was worried about the safety of (my guest's clothing/my furnishings/your son). I was confused about whether to ask your son to stop."

3. Make a request that is within your SIL's ability to satisfy. "If I were to invite you next month, I want the situation to be different. Will you either take steps X, Y and Z to control these distractions, or allow me or another guest to take those steps? I don't want our next get-together to be so distressing for me or my other guests."

4. If you want your SIL to hear you out, you will reasonably need to do the same for her. You could ask whether she remembers the event in question, and whether she recalls the situation differently. Acknowledge that 2-year-olds are by nature impulsive and don't take to following rules very well. Empathize as much as possible with her wish to give her son free rein, then use the magic word AND. As in "Yes, your son is playful and spirited, AND I want all my other guests to be able to enjoy their time, too."

Good luck. It's a tricky situation. And NVC can really help.

Personally, I would call her out. I would tell just say, "Jenny...he is under the table and we don't do that here". Soon your girls will start ratting him out and you can just call her name and everyone will announce he is doing something wrong. That is how kids are. Either she will stay away or mind her son.

Is there an older adult (like your mother) or someone else who "demands respect" that can lay down the law for family meals and time spent together? My whole extended family (from my older uncles to the young children) are "afraid" of my mom ... and of me to a lesser extent (but afraid in a good way). If so ... talk with them and find out what is the best way to handle it... if not then I would make it very clear (about two months before the next get together) that these are the house rules and that everyone (adult and child) should abide by them... If she doesn't like it ... then she need not to come.... but that's why I would do it two months in advance so she has time to cool off and make a decision. If he is doing something to disturb others during this time and she does nothing but yell then I would say in a very firm voice "We do not stand on the chairs in this house" and if she says something just repeat that... No One Stands on the chairs in my house. It's not safe. Or suggest that she take him outside so he can be a "boys boy" and burn it all off and then come inside and be a good little boy and sit down like everyone else.

It's not ok for her to yell at you or make you feel bad for your own house rules. She is in your house... then her child needs to abide by those rules.

But give it time to blow over til the next event as it might be needed.

Is it appropriate? Yes & No. In your own home, absolutely... "In our house we don't _______." At that point your SIL can choose to leave or not come back. At another person's house... nope. At that point YOU can choose to leave.

I periodically have to do this at my mom's house when my (childless) sister or brother decide to discipline my son at family gatherings. I give them a warning ("I told him x, or y is okay with me, or my kiddo guys")... and if they persist we leave. My mom has different rules than I do, and as it is her house we follow HER rules, but my sibs have no business disciplining my child.

Ditto, I've left gatherings/ don't go back to friends or family houses where their rules are in direct conflict with what I feel is okay.

I learned to vote with my feet from my father. I remember thinking it was fairly extreme when I was a kid but it's become SO useful. I have a fairly broad range of parenting styles I don't agree with but can accept... but when it crosses my mental line and I spend my time upset instead of enjoying myself... easy easy... vote with my feet. I don't do it passive aggressively, I just hug and kiss and go. My leaving isn't a threat, it's just what I do. There have been a few upset people over this, but it's easy to respond to... "Would you rather I have bashed so and so's parenting? That's not my job. They're the parent. I don't find their actions or inaction acceptable. I'm not going to force my views on them and create a big angry scene." or the reverse.

I have the only boy on both sides of our families so I will go from there my husbands brother and his wife I feel like they are some what jealous because they never had a boy and they don't treat him well at all when we are all together they hardly talk to my kids and interact with them when holidays and birthdays come up I get the attitude of we have to get them something instead of we want to get them something. My 7 year old niece and him get along sometimes they act more like sister brother than cousins but here goes where are parenting skills come in there girls are so unappreciative of everything so I started just getting them Gift cards for everything cause they never liked anything I got and they would show it while we were there I found that very rude they are very girlie as far as attitude I always make sure my kids respect anything they get and always say thank you for any gift! But when they are in my house I will discipline them and tell them to stop or whatever it is. My sister I feel is harder on him as well but she's getting better cause I bring it up to her yes he is a boy and yes he has a lot of energy but so do both of our girls mine is 3 and hers is 2 I watch her during the day and run an in home daycare. So as my sister goes we both discipline each others kids when we are together as well so I think you have ever right to say something when he is in your house you could be quiet about it and say we don't do that her at Aunt so and so house and if he keeps doing it then ask your sister to make him stop.

You cannot be subtle with people like that. You need to enforce the rules in your own house. That is not being rude. If anything, she's being rude by not controlling her son and letting him run slipshod over your house. If she doesn't like it, then she will stop coming over to your house... and that might just be a blessing in disguise.

I would recommend that she take a parenting course, seriously. I have two boys of my own, and even I know that mine are a bit out of control, so I'm taking my own parenting course, and I'm impressed by how much I'm learning. If she's willing to learn, she'll discover ways to teach her son to behave and still be a boy... and she'll also discover that both she and her boy will be much happier in the long run.

Good luck!

Edited to add on Sept. 13, 2011: This year, both of my sons were diagnosed as high-functioning autistic. So that explains why I've had so much difficulty with getting them to control themselves in spite of my parenting classes! However, I stand by my previous answer!

I have a similiar situation with my SIL, and I think i would say something to your nephew. If you don't mind what he does at their house, then definately say it's your house rules, and come up with a consequence if he keeps acting up.

My problem with my BIL and SIL is that they let their daughter do whatever she wants, eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants (candy for breakfast... sure!) and it mostly drives me crazy because my daughters pick up bad things every time they see their cousin. I want them to be close to her, but at the same time, i cringe whenever they are there and I'm not there to referee.
My girls play together so nice, and their cousin, who is used to playing by herself (even at daycare with other kids there!!!!)... taught my daughter to do that thing where they put their arms over their toys so no one can take them, or to pick up the toy and run away whenever someone comes near. Nice. If I see any of them do that, i tell them that "it's rude and we don't act like that."
My SIL also has all the junk food in the pantry right within reach of her 4 year old. HELLO?!!! Why wouldn't you put the healthier snacks at the bottom. Even at our house where there are always good choices... and the bad choices are usually my husbands things, put out of view of the kids... my SIL will offer the bad things to her daughter first!!! I was like "out of ALL the things here, WHY would you offer that?" And she said "you have it in your house", meaning like why would I have it if I wasn't going to give it to them... and I said "it's my husbands!!!"
They have not taught their daughter manners either. i always feel like I am so hard on her, but I won't allow her to be rude to me. I honestly don't even car what my BIL and SIL think... someone needs to teach them to her!

There are rules for everybody. Adults, and children.
We do not stand on furniture.. EVER.. We do not play under the tables, EVER. My sister ended up in the emergency room after playing under a table and a sugar bowl fell and cracked on her head.. It knocked her out!She ended up with a shaved area of her head for the 5 stitches too.

I do not see a problem just saying it out loud, "Is it ever ok to stand on a chair during dinner?" Or "we do not play under the tables, it is dangerous. You may play quietly on the floor next to your parents." Or "you may stand on your parents lap so they can hold you."

I just had a conversation with my sil about this same thing. My belief is that, "when in rome, do as the romans". In my home, you follow my rules. I always say, "Nephew X, in our house, we don't eat snacks on the couch", or "You can watch tv when you get home, but here we are playing with the tv off right now". Good luck!

Since you are already aware of the tension between the 2 of you on the issue, I don't think you should discipline him unless your SIL is not in the house. If as he gets older and starts wrecking your home, that's a different deal.

You just need to address the issue with your own kids. Whenever naughty kids come to visit my home, afterwards I praise and compliment my kids on their good behavior, then talk about the inappropriate things the other kid did. Even though I may not be able to stop other peoples kids from misbehaving, I want my kids to know that I noticed and find it unacceptable.

I think you need to take a step back. You can have "house rules" for things like, we don't track mud in, we don't throw toys, we don't hurt one another. You can't have "house rules" that say toddlers must sit in one spot at dinner time when that child has never been asked to do such a thing. Yes, a toddler can probably learn to do that, but not a couple of times a year at his aunt's house when he's never asked to any other time. My boys would not have been able to, especially not at an exciting time when other cousins are around. There must be some compromise that will work that everyone can be happy with - maybe have the toddler-age kids eat before the adults, and play in the playroom while the adults are having their meal. It seems like you are very focused on things being exactly as you want them to be, instead of focusing on the desired outcome (a peaceful meal with family.)

I hope you will try to enjoy your nephew as a person, and the future older playmate for your little boy. A friend of mine is going through this (she's the only sister who had a boy, and her sisters have been awful to her) and it will probably tear their extended family apart, because her sisters don't stop at picking on her parenting - they are really unkind in talking about her son, and it has hurt her deeply and permanently. Be careful about the path you take, because your choices about this really small issue may affect your entire family for years to come.