Am I Wrong? - Naperville,IL

M.-

I am so sorry to hear that you are in such an unhealthy situation. I can't believe that the counselors that you have gone to haven't helped more. You are not losing your mind. You are not psychotic. He is and he is deflecting. He is clearly jealous of the kids and acting out. This is the time to focus on your kids. They will be out of the house soon enough. That doesn't mean you can or should ignore your husband but that doesn't like you are anyway.

My first inclination is to question whether or not he is having an affair. Sometimes when men cheat, they treat their wives at home horribly. This inlcudes making excuses for why he is doing it. Example: 1) He is telling you that you no longer have time for him. He would be cheating b/c you don't make time for him. 2) He is telling you that you don't make him feel special. 3) He continues to ask for a divorce. Cheating when you are splitting from your spouse is always easier to rationalize. Then again, "not getting affection" is also an easy thing to rationalize. So, I would look into this further.

Getting help from a woman's support group is definitely a good step. Continue to tell yourself that you are doing the right thing and that he, for whatever reason, is the one who is acting up. You sound very rationale to me and like a very good Mom and wife. Don't let him put you down. Don't let him make you feel less of a person. Just remember, kids would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home.

I hope that in the coming days, you can find a support group and that your friends and family will help you through this. I hope that you are able to have the strength to stand up for what you believe in and against his negative behaviors and actions. I hope that he can come to see what he is doing to you and his family. But most of all, I hope that you are safe and able to find peace.

Best wishes.
N.

I second the book "Five Love Languages." It also talks about having an emotional bank account. I think he refers to it as your "love tank." I completely agree with Jenn.

Some time ago, before I was even married, my mom gave me the advice to put my marriage first and kids second. She said she put us kids first and it made things hard. I currently have two young kids and have been putting them first since they came into this world. Recently I've been able to take a step back and look at my family. My marriage has slowly declined over time. I am working on putting the focus back onto my own marriage. It is hard, but most definitely worth it. Happy parents mean happy kids.

Find out how your husband feels your love. Read the book "The Five Love Languages." Your husband might not even know what his love language is. My husband read the book and couldn't tell me. However after reading the book and really looking at how he responded to different things I did, I could tell what his love languages were. Hopefully if you can work to fill his emotional bank account he will be more willing to learn how you feel his love.

One way I'm working to show my kids that the husband comes first is as simple as not letting my son interupt our conversations. If my husband and are talking and my son blurts in, I stop and say, "You are interrupting. Daddy and I are talking. You need to wait until we are finished." I agree with what someone else said about occupying your three year old with something or asking that they play alone for a few minutes so that you would have time with your husband.

I wish you the best. Continue to seek support. All marriages take work and all relationships have peaks and valleys. Oh, another book that has helped me is "The Power of the Praying Wife," by Stormie Omartian. Take care.

I agree with the other posts, if its a date night, you only respond to messages from your babysitter. We learned to have a regular time that it is just the two of you having dinner or lunch together and/or seeing a movie together. The primary goal is having shared time together on a repeatable basis - just the two of you.
I also agree that you need to keep an eye out for the 3 year old but there should be some ways that the 3 year old can entertain him or her self for short periods of time (ie coloring or other toys) so that you and spouse can talk at home.
I agree with the suggestion of counseling to sort things out and if you don't like the counselor, get a new one (one that supports the goal of not having you yelled at in front of your kids).
I don't think you can totally ignore your spouse and spend 24x7 with your kids at home. I do agree that you will have more time after your kids become more independent.
Are there any activities that the whole family can do and enjoy (family bowling with the bumpers?). Our kids learned that they could start bowling early with the ball going between the legs...
You don't mention if spouse is spending time playing with your kids and/or doing hobbies with them? If there's a way for spouse to have special time one on one with each child on a regular basis then there is a stronger bond between them. There are many park district and YMCA activities geared at parent/child participation.
YES its good for you to have a support group of other women to explain how they have coped with some of your same challenges.
It is a lot of adjustments to be raising a family, working, and balancing what everybody needs in your household.
C. L
mom of three

Maybe you should see a counselor on your own. Not all counselors are the same.

I wish you all the best.

J.

I would first seek out another counselor. Your husband is abusing you mentally and after you start believing him, the next logical step would be physical. You need to seek out another counselor and have the counselor ask him why he feels the need to belittle you, especially on your special days. To me, (and I don’t know you), I'm assuming you are stronger than he wants you to be and the only way to pull you down is to belittle you. He sounds jealous of your kids and your friend and seems to want to be the center of your universe. He needs to grow up.

Men generally are satisfied with sex, where as if we aren't emotionally satisfied, we aren't interested in sex.

As far as receiving a text message while out with him/family. I'm guessing again that he wants your undivided attention. Is that right? Well, I guess it depends on what both of you feel and agree is correct. If I'm out with my husband, I wouldn't mind if he gets a text message from one of his friends, but that's me. Some people feel that you shouldn't answer the phone if it rings while you are having dinner, others may feel it's no big deal. Again, it's up to the both of you.

What makes him feel that it's "his" house? I do hope your name is on the deed and not just his. Do you guys ever go out without each other? Does he have male friends he can go out with every once in a while? That may do your relationship some good for some alone time. That also means that he should take care of the kids while you go out with your girlfriends too.

But, more importantly, it sounds like he's mentally abusing you and that can be a very dangerous situation to get into. Stay strong, hold your ground and set some rules and get some help.

I agree with other posters about seeking counseling. The one thing I will mention, however, is that even though the children come first, you do need to make time for your marriage - and not wait until the kids are grown and out of the house when the two of you are strangers. Date nights are a good start and even making dinner and watching a movie together cuddled on the couch. You can go away on weekend getaways from time to time. Husbands often feel they get lost because we are so focused on the kids and household. It can be overwhelming... but you can't neglect the marriage. That said, if he is being abusive and belittling you in front of the kids, that is NOT acceptable. So either way, I think seeing a marriage counselor is a must.

If a man puts you down he has ego issues. He isn't adressing his own problems because he is a MAN and men don't go there, so they put it on you and you start to believe its all of your fault! He is immature, infantile and should be glad he has 2 beautiful healthy children and a wonderful wife! If he keeps up this behavior and you keep believeing it you will become a shell of your old self. Go to counseling if someone really loves and respects you they do not do theses rotten to you, and try never to fight in front of your children it changes who they are, it only creates negative energy and they will start to walk on egg shells waiting for the next screaming match! I really hope your okay believe I have been there done that it not good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M.,

You need to stop doubting yourself. It sounds like maybe you husband is someone who needs a lot of attention? Was he like that before the children or after your first child? I do think that every family needs a strong foundation, which is your husband and you, but it seems like there's more going on here. Your husband yells at you in front of your kids? Asks you for a divorce on "your" special days? How do you respond to that? What would happen if you told him okay?

This is my opinion obviously, I am not in your shoes but I have had experince in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship. My husband means the world to me. He is my soul mate and we have a beautiful little 6 month old baby. If my husband was acting the way it seems your husband was, I know it would be hard, but I would no longer be in that relationship. I have been in a horrible relationshipbefore but there were no children involved. I can't imagine going through that with them experiencing it too. And there is nothing wrong (in my eyes) to adore your children and give them nonstop attention. I always tell my husband that I love him but I never realized how much I could love someone until our son came along. He doesn't get offended by that in any way. It's the truth. He knows how strong a mother's love is and how much of a bond we can have as mommies.

I think seeking support from a Woman's Group would be great...but I also think you need to re-evalute your relationship with your husband. This isn't a very good relationship that should be played out in front of children.

You are not alone. Many couples has gone through this and they can survive. Marriage come first, as the others mentioned. And together we can focus on the children.

I read five love language from Gary Chapman too, and it helps us a lot. Finally I understand that when my husband doing dishes at night, instead of watching tv together with me, he is showing his love for me. For him to feel love is when I clean the house and cook for him. No wonder my hugs and kisses didn't mean as much for him. I thought I show him all the love I have. When we can talk or at least understand the language, our relationship is a lot better. My suggestion is to read the book and find our what is your love language.

But we don't yell at each other or belittle each other in front of the children. I don't think it is good. The children should be able to respect the parents, and it is hard if we never show them how.

It's true that our little ones take a lot of our time and attention. But when they are off to bed, than that's my time for him. Or we do things together, so no one feel left out.

Find a support group. Church based is better. Because they won't easily suggest on separation or divorce. We went to marriage rebuilders in Community Christian Church. They usually have it in several locations. It helps us understand each other better, including the family of origin, where we can understand the why behind one's behavior. They help us communicate better and giving us tools about how to handle the situation. There should be some other couples sessions too. I know Compass Church in Naperville has it too.

I'll be praying for you. Hope you can find a good way out.

C.

Here is my opinion: Men think and feel completely different than women do. They are more literal and visual than we are if you want him to feel that you love him tell him and make it clear " honey I love you more than you can imagine" also in my marriage I am constantly touching my husband (hugging, kissing or just a simple rub on his arm or shoulder) and telling him he’s gorgeous! We get a long great and I truly do love him to death.

As far as the kids go, your marriage should come first. When your children are in college or teenagers for that matter you will need to have a strong relationship with each other for your marriage to last. Unless your child is hurt or in danger there is nothing wrong with saying honey right now daddy and I are talking play with your brother or find a toy until daddy and I are finished with our conversation. Your children need to know that your relationship with your husband is as important as your relationship with them (this will help for the future too when they start misbehaving and you need to show a united front).

As far as him insulting you that's a no no. All couples fight, my hubby and I fight and sometimes things get said in the heat of the moment that you may later regret but once everything is calm talk with him (not at him) and discuss what is bothering the two of you and plan on fixing it, then follow through. I hope this helped good luck!

Well, you definitely have your hands full!

From what I can tell, it sounds like your husband is looking for attention, too. Much like children act out to get attention (even negative attention is something).

You've been solely focused on your children's happiness for 7 years and prior to that, I can imagine that your husband was the beneficiary of all that attention. So, for 7 years, he's been essentially left out of your focus and I think he's missing it. Does that excuse bad behavior? Absolutely not! Much like it's not ok for children to be naughty in order to get attention, it doesn't work for grown-ups either (particularly trying to get attention on someone else's important days). So, what to do?

I was in marriage counseling for over a year for some of the same problems recently and my counselor really emphasized that the marriage does have to come first. For, within a strong marriage come strong parents. Your children will not suffer if you put some emphasis back on your husband. I know I really liked seeing my parent hug each other in front of us. It was better than seeing them fight. After all, if you neglect your marriage in favor of the kids, when the kids are gone, what will you have left?

I've posted this to others in the past, but one of the biggest things that we had to do was make "bank" deposits to each other. What I mean is this: imagine your marriage as a bank account. Right now, yours sounds like it is overdrawn and if it's something you want to have around for a while, you're going to have to make deposits without expectation of a return-on-investment. So, an unexpected hug (without expecting a hug in return) for your husband...a kiss on the cheek...a hand on the back. How many times a day do you hug your kids?? And how many times do you hug your husband, who helped you bring those kids into this world? BUT...you cannot expect him to change overnight! It takes time for the bank account to regain a balance that then allows withdrawls. If you do these things, you are doing them for you and for your marriage. Not in the hopes that he'll magically change. Given time, he may just surprise you and come back to being a bit more "sane" :)

Good luck to you and I hope things get better for you!