So we cant go everywhere and see everyone for every holiday... we tried it when my dd was a baby and it was way too much. So what we do now is one year thanksgiving with my family and Xmas eve with my inlaws, the next year we switch. Xmas day we spend some quality time, just us :) This year I am preg- due dec 27, so we cant really make plans for xmas. Luckily it is my family's turn for xmas and they are going to florida, so its no big deal. So the issue is that my MIL has invited herself over for xmas. My dh has some issues with telling her no and she takes advantage of him often. If I put my foot down make him telll her no, it will be a big fight between us, which I dont want. On the other hand I dont want her doing this every year and i dont want to entertain people when Im about to give birth. We cant be the only people who alternate holidays, am I being mean/unreasonable to expect them to make other plans e/o year?
*Due to reasons too lengthy to explain we do not allow my MIL to babysit, and since her idea of 'helping' with my dd when she was a newborn was to poke/shake her awake after I just spent 1/2 hr nursing her to sleep, I do not really think I would like any extra 'help' once the baby comes, lol. Thanks for the suggestions though, im sure under normal conditions it would be great to have a grandparent around to help with a new baby :)
Hmm...well if my younger sister did that (which she isn't good at because she doesn't know how to stand up to her fiance at all) then my mom would want to see them.
If you want that time to be only for you guys, then keep it that way.
I love to be around my family...regardless of if I am about to have a baby or not...but all people are different and no way is wrong.
Don't make him tell her no. Have a conversation with her that says "I am so glad my family decided to go to Florida this year so I don't have to worry about going to them or entertaining ANYONE this year. With being so close to my due date, it will be a welcome repreive." Gets your point across without saying "you can't come"...lets you point out it is your family's turn for Christmas and you are happy to not have plans.
just slap me now! Instead of being exclusive & solitary.....embrace your time together. How will your DH feel when she's gone....let him have his time with her! Kudos to her for breaking your rules this year....
One Big Happy is so much easier on all involved if you just open up your heart & home. It's something we should all strive for....it's a gift which many discard simply to have what they "think" is best for them.
& on the other hand, she'll be a built-in babysitter if you deliver early! Anything can happen....embrace it while you still have it. I'd give anything to have my Dad & MIL here with us. It's a loss which still aches - 2 years later.
I think in your case, I'd let this one slide. Pick your battles carefully, especially if you think it will cause stress between you and your husband. I'd let her know that you are in no condition to playing the true role of "hostess", and therefore will not be cooking, cleaning, etc... Prepare her for how you want your day to be, and if she can cooperate and enjoy that and not expect to be waited on because she is a guest, that's great. If she wants a big "to-do", then she should go elsewhere. Good luck and try not to stress too much! Congrats in advance on your baby. :)
I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I also don't know that it is worth getting in a fight with your husband about. It's also not clear to me where your MIL lives relative to you. Is she coming over for the day or flying across the country for a week? That changes the situation a bit.
And am I the only one that thinks you might not be about to give birth, but instead be caring for a newborn? It seems like you should just play it by ear and see what the new baby decides to do before you make any plans.
Nope. Just be gracious and tell her how nice of her it is to come but you want to just be home with your hubby and child and keep it very peaceful. You are totally fine. You don't have to have a hard and fast rule, do what works. In our family, we are a little loose but generally split holidays between my parents and my in-laws. We try and keep it fair. But we also like to do stuff just our family and they understand that too.
Is she able to watch the other kids if you go into labor? It might not be bad to have another able bodied adult around with a new baby on the way. She could stay with your dd while you all go to the hospital.
If she's not able to do that, try to get your husband to understand it would be too stressful. Don't worry that its setting a precedent... next year you'll be back on your rotation so it won't even be an issue.
Good luck, and happy delivery!
Its not unreasonable for her to DESIRE to spend it with you since you can't travel with your family. But she needs to be respectful of your wishes for low stress since you are pregnant.
If your hubby is not comfortable telling her no, just call her yourself and tell her that you don't want to make any plans or have anyone over because of your due date. If she argues with you just tell her that mommy hormones are making you stressed out and it would be too much. If she still doesn't want to give in change the conversation and insist your hubby tell her to back off. Men don't like to rock the boat with their families, I am sure he doesn't want to bring it up. If its a simple thing with their family, we should be able to handle it. If its complex then its hubby's job since its his family.
Honestly you might have a newborn already, be in labor, etc... so it could be a non issue. But straight forward communication is always best.
I had to do something like this once with my grandmother. We lived close one year and my in-laws were coming. I called to invite my grandma to our house and somehow in the conversation she got the idea we were coming to HER house and that we would make one of her favorite meals instead of the traditional Christmas dinner I had planned (and asked several people to make food for already). It was really awkward and I had to call her back later and explain that we were not coming to her or eating that food, it was a misunderstanding, and that she would come to us... ULGH! it went better then I was afraid of and everything worked out fine.
Best wishes!
Wow...in your "so what happened" you could be describing my MIL. In 13 yrs, she has never been alone w/ my kids and barely sees them but once or twice a year (and lives 10 minutes away!) My husband doesn't even want to talk to her when she calls...sad, really. We do stop by her house on Christmas, out of obligation.
That being said, I have to agree w/ "Mommyloveskids" and just spell it out for her...she is welcome to come and visit, but you are NOT able to do much because you are tired and uncomfortable, so you are keeping it simple. And just tell her, you are hoping to keep the visit short...and who knows, maybe all this worrying is for nothing because you'll go into labor and baby saves the day! :) Good luck w/ everything and Merry Christmas!
I think you should let her come. I don't have a whole lot in common with my husband's family, but I could never bring myself to tell my husband his family couldn't visit us if they wanted to because I would never want him to demand my family wasn't welcome to visit when they wished. I think it would really hurt your MIL's feelings too. My oldest brother, his wife and daughter in recent years have chosen to travel on the holidays and not be with anyone-and it is hurtful. My younger brother is in Afghanistan so I never get to see him. My dad lives in another state so I only seem him occasionally, but my mom usually joins us for festivities.
Having said that, there should still be boundaries if she comes. I think it goes without saying, but make it clear if need be that you will not be preparing a holiday meal or should be expected to play hostess especially in your current condition. You should be able to rest as needed and so forth. Make this holiday really casual and let your MIL and DH handle all the housekeeping issues. You can usually get a complete holiday meal from a local grocery store or restaurant for around $50 for a family of 4-6. My guess is your MIL would be happy to oblige and you may realize she will be a blessing in disguise. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday and congrats on your new arrival! A baby is the greatest Christmas gift of all!
HTH,
A.
I would suggest to him that he tell his mom to wait and see but at this point you don't truly know what your Christmas day will be like. Anything can happen in the next few weeks - from a healthy baby and uncomplicated delivery to being overdue to having an emergency C-section and having your turkey dinner in the maternity ward. My SS was born on Christmas. I would make NO additional plans if I were due that soon.
My ILs pick a day at the end of December to "do Christmas". We see my family at Easter and host Thanksgiving for them that come. You aren't the only ones who don't try to do it all every year.
My guess is that she is local. We do the same as far as switching holidays. When I was pregnant at Xmas and couldn't travel, it was his family's turn. They don't travel here much but my family was willing to make a 12 hour trip so my family came, even though it wasn't their turn. I think making the exception is OK but you need to decide where you will pick up again next year and make it clear. I would also make it clear to her that you are not preparing a feast. Last Thanksgiving I had my son 2 days before so we planned ahead and ordered one of those prepared meals from one of the local grocery stores. It was excellent and you basically just heated it up. If she is local, she's just there for the day and leaves. As much of a pain that she may be, it is nice that she wants to be with you guys for the Holidays.
Maybe she wants to come to help out, since you are expecting. I would let her come and just politely let her know that it won't always be this way. You may want/need some help when the baby comes.
I wouldn't want to entertain people when I'm about to give birth either. I think you have every right to tell her Sorry, given my due date being so close to Christmas I'm not up to hosting this year. If your husband won't do it, maybe you can. Good luck!
