Adult with Stepmother Strife

wow! my story's plot is different but boils down to a similar dynamic.
i don't have answers, but thanks for asking this, and i'll be reading with a great deal of interest.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Wow, I LOVED Nervy Girl's answer and I can't really improve upon that.

Good luck and I hope this works out the way it's meant to. <<hugs>>

You talk to your dad every week. What do you two talk about? Why haven't you ever told him the truth?

Your father is responsible for this mess, K.. He's a grown man. You need to tell him what he has put you through.

Your description here of her and the way she has treated you could have been in that note you wrote her. It was the perfect opportunity, and you let it go by. You have been enabling her behavior all this time and by not calling her out on it, you've let her blame YOU for all of this.

If your dad wanted to know his grandkids, he'd come and see you. You need to let the guilt of this go and expect something out of him instead of blaming yourself for his behavior.

If you can't do this, go to a counselor to get help.

K.,

Here's the thing-- you can only handle yourself. YOU. From what you write, your stepmom is putting a big guilt trip on your shoulders even though you say you've offered to have him come visit several times a year and to even pay for it.

This is my guess, and it's only a guess-- he might only want to be in his own home because he needs to have contact be on his turf and to control the situation. Or because she's controlling the situation...but he's also letting her.

I'm a fairly introverted person myself, but that doesn't stop me from having an opinion and stating it with when necessary. If your dad feels he can't visit because of something your step-mom is saying, then he is allowing her to be in charge of the relationship and you have to accept that this is his choice. SHE is his choice, even to the detriment of other relationships.

You have a choice: have expectations and be constantly disappointed or have NO expectations and protect your own heart a little better.

Your father failed you in a lot of ways, K.. Had he been a more stand-up sort of guy, he would have helped to ease the transition of having a new step-mom in the house. He would have waited until you'd all done that work together to smooth that transition (family counseling), married her first and THEN brought her home. He chose himself and his own happiness first and foremost, and the fact that he chose a manipulative woman is secondary fall-out from that decision. My guess, truly, is that he does not want to do what is inconvenient for him AND it's easier for him if you are upset with his wife instead of with him and the fact that he has let you down on many occasions. It's unfortunate, but I do think that some of what you are feeling toward your step-mom may stem from some misplaced anger which should really be directed toward your dad.

I'll say this from experience: parents *choose* how to prioritize their children in relationship to their adult relationships. He chose to date, shack up with and then marry someone who was coming between he and his children. HE made that decision. So, my suggestion would be to go talk to a counselor about this. Grieve the loss that you really did suffer-- that your father really let you down, that he didn't choose you and your brother first. Learn how to accept this--which doesn't mean being happy with it or doing what your step-mom wants, but just accepting your dad for who he is in all his faults. Start with that and see what comes of it. It's a place to begin. You've done an amazing amount on your own--wouldn't it be great to have some healing in that area of your life? You must have been a tenacious gal to have taken on and accomplished so much, so don't let this be any different for you. Good luck!

Your issue should be with your dad not your stepmom. Your stepmom is the easy mark. She is the safe one to blame.

Regardless of how horrible she is..... that is NOT the issue. You need to be angry at the "right" person. Only when you acknowledge that YOUR DAD is the issue and not your stepmom will you ever be able to heal.

I wish you luck on that journey. Grieving for someone who isn't what they should have been is the hardest grief, in my opinion.

You need to talk to your dad. If you can't by yourself, then seek a counselor to help you guide and direct these conversations. If not WITH him.... then by yourself. You are the one that has to do the real work anyway...... his work is up to him.

Reach out directly to your father. Ask him why he always declines your invitation...does he decline because he doesn't want to come without his wife? Does he decline because she insists? Does your invitation exclude her?

If my stepmom had ever told me I couldn't stay in my father's home (even though I didn't grow up in it), I would have asked my dad myself (if I had the kind of relationship with my stepmom that you do with yours, I would have asked my dad in the first place).

You can't fix the past but you can reach out and hopefully change the future. go see your dad (not because his wife sent you that email but because it is right for you, your dad, and your children.

My response to her email would have included something along the lines of "I have never meant to hurt your feelings and I love and miss my father very much; however, you changed the complete dynamic of our relationship when you made me feel unwelcome in my own home and have done nothing to change that in the 15 years I have known you. If my father is truly the one that has given up on having a relationship with children and grandchildren, that is his call but not your place to relay the information."

You know something?
If your father wanted anything to be different, he could change things any time he wanted to.
He just doesn't want to.
HE lets his wife run his life.
You can only assume that this is the way he wants it.
If he's not going to take an active role in his own life and family, who's fault is it?
HIS!!!
So - stop emotionally dumping on your step mother.
She's not taking him anywhere he doesn't want to go.

I've seen this a few times with fathers of some of my high school friends.
The re-married dads just seem to want a woman to run things for them so they don't have to.
The step mom's agenda doesn't seem to matter - what ever she wants is what he'll go along with.
As long as he has a warm form in his bed, the hell with his prior family/kids/relatives.
Do not rake yourself over the coals for this.

Sounds like your stepmother is probably jealous of anyone having a relationship with your father. She has him right where she wants him - all to herself. She talks a big game, but when it comes down it, she probably no more wants you to visit as you want to visit her.
At the same time, your father has to own up to the fact that he isn't innocent in all of this either. Sure your stepmother is manipulating and controlling, but he lets her get away with it. He lets her isolate him from his children and grandchildren. He is partly to blame.
If you can, try to find time to visit, just you and he, face to face. Tell him your feelings and lay it all out there. It's going to be hard to do. Just make sure you do this without your stepmother around. You might also benefit in a one-on-one with her as well. Her tune will be different when she's alone and has to face the music. You may not get anywhere with this, but your conscience will be clear and you can move on. It does you no good be burdened with this load.
If you can tell, I have been down the exact same road...

All you can do is reach, you cannot force him to reach back. It is a shame this happened. Your step mom sounds like a nightmare.

He is your one and only Father. I say you fix it any way you can. Get over the fact that you let this woman get I between you and your Dad and stop allowing it.

My feelings would have been severely hurt by the 'stranger' comment but I wouldn't have allowed it either...I would have told her right away that I wasn't a stranger, I was my fathers daughter! I probably wouldn't have asked her permission in the first place tho...I would have asked my father!

Go around, over or through her...whatever it takes to get back to your Dad!
Be polite...but stop letting her dictate your relationship!

~I miss my Pops...I lost him 10 years ago...he never had the opportunity to meet my kids because I didn't have them until after he was gone!

I smell a rat. I have a very manipulative person in my life and I kind of got attuned to their ways.

Is it possible that your father's health is failing? Mentally or physically?
Or has he started to stand up for himself? Or has she found someone else?

Some part of this dynamic isn't working for her at this point and she is looking for a way to either get out or foist him on you. She is narsasistic.
You can trust whatever she does, she has a reason and it's to manipulate or pacify.

If I could I would stay at a hotel in his city and try to arrange a first meeting with your Dad without her knowing. You might then get pieces of truth.

You just described my step mother to a tee. My Dad tried but my siblings and I couldn't and would NOT kiss this woman's %$%. Dad died, this woman took everything and sold it one wk after he died. She showed us. 3 years later we are still fighting in probate. So I'm going to give you a look into the mirror. Maybe your story can end happier. Take the first step, second step and if necessary third. Be overly nice to this woman, let your father see how much you DO love him. (Once he's gone all you'll have are tears and what if's) Maybe your father will see her true side. If not at least you won't be left with a feeling of "What I should have done" and there won't be any unanswered questions or feelings. There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish I could have changed the way we all treated each other before my Dad passed. Just typing this makes me cry. Call Your Dad and tell him that no matter how things are YOU LOVE HIM

"Stepmother strife" -- awesome phraseology.

I think you should write her back again, and tell her the truth -- that she is the reason you don't see your dad. Say it in an adult, non-confrontational fashion, laying out the facts. Maybe she will respond, explaining herself, and you will be able to see her in a new light. She may not have meant to exclude you.

Then, I think you should make plans to see your dad. If it has to be somewhat one-way -- so be it. Women are usually the ones who keep family ties intact. Go there, or fly your dad out -- whatever you can work out.

Good luck!

I think you need to stop talking to your stepmother and talk to your dad.

If she's really controlling, you don't even know what kind of lies she's feeding him!

You need to talk to him, and him alone. See if you can get him to at least talk to you on the phone when she's not around. Usually when there is a controlling person in the picture there are lots of lies and things that need to be unravelled. You can only do that when she's not around.

Other than that, your father is a grown man, he either is so befuddled by her that he can't see straight (which happens) or he's made a choice. You can only control what you do.

Tell your dad. Tell him everything you feel and are thinking. He can't read your mind and his wife probably manipulates him. Give him exact details and tell him exactly what she said to you. He probably has no idea what you feel and think. He just thinks you do not talk to him. Seriously. He's probably clueless. My dad and stepmom have this same dynamic. My stepmom only wants to go visit her 2 adult daughters and not my brother and I...we are not her "real" kids and our children are not her "real" grandchildren. Why my dad does not put his foot down with her I will never know. He's a total pushover who lets her manipulate him and he believes all she tells him. When you do tell your dad know that he will side with his wife and not you. He may get angry and defensive (like my dad does). He might even blame you for things and try to turn it around to make you the bad guy (like my dad does). BUT at least you let your feelings be known. Do it every time. Let him know. Eventually it will give him something to think about.

This is not going to be easy at all, but it is pretty simple. You pick up the phone or get on a plane and talk directly to him. Of course, I don't know that your impression of her is not spot on, but my stepson thinks that I keep his father from doing things that he (stepson) imagines his father would jump right on if not for my presence in his life. Maybe he would do different things without me, but he's a grown-up , and this is his call. To a kid--no matter your age--anything different must be due to the new person. House rules change when another adult moves in as an equal partner, especially when he/she is trying to establish his/her own space and role. There are lots of moving parts when people attempt to blend families. Yes, this is your childhood home, but you moved out, and it is now (and had been at the point when you wanted to stay alone) HER home. My stepson is 19, and he is not allowed to stay at our home alone when we go out for the evening. He is not allowed to "hang out" in our bedroom the way a child would hang out in his parents' bedroom. If she never felt like she got to have a relationship with you (You moved out abruptly and never felt welcomed by her. How welcoming were you? I'm not saying that it's your fault or that you had even half the responsibility because the adults getting together were totally in charge of that, but this was new for everybody, and she had feelings, too.), then you are, at this point, a virtual stranger to her, and she has the right to create boundaries with strangers in her home. I mean, she wouldn't tell you not to come at all or send you away for overnight if they're gonna be home, right? Maybe if you hadn't moved out so abruptly.... My husband and I bought our own house together, but my stepson still treats me like I am an equal party to him living in his father's house. One morning, he unexpectedly walked in with friends. He thought that it was okay because it was his father's house. With me, it was not okay. At that time I would spend my weekends walking around my house naked from the waste up nursing a toddler. Or otherwise unclothed beacuse I live there alone with my husband and young child.

Sometimes a stepparent has to draw a line in the sand, to create a safe and peaceful boundary for his/her own existence.

You're a grown-up, now. You feel wronged by this woman and your father. As an adult you should be able to understand that it's not always black and white. Adult relationships don't always go as smoothly as we'd like. You never lose the desire for your parents to parent you on some level, but it's time out for you to wait around for this, if you want it.

She was out of line approaching you about your perceived mistreatment of your father, but consider this: If she perceives that, what might your father perceive? Perspective, perspective, perspective. Before you decide to write your father off, I suggest that you stop operating on assumptions and use your words to find out from his mouth what his experience has been and what he's willing to do and accept moving forward.

dad and stepmom are a package now. offering to fly him out, will make her open her mouth and say 'see, she doesn't want a relationship with me or her half siblings.' i think you should approach your dad as a member of a family and if you want him to visit you must be able to invite them all. yes, invite them all and start anew. how she was when you were young may not be who she is now, older, a mother herself etc., and if you are willing to forgive her and make her feel like you want to have a relationship with her and the half siblings, things may turn around for you all.

I would write her a letter and in it state every single reason why I didn't want to be around her. And that she was the only, sole, reason that I didn't come to "my own childhood home" and I would start that letter with the story about the "We don't want strangers in "our" home". Then be done with it. If she shows it to your dad then she's going to turn it against you. If she never shows it to him at least she'll know why you stay away.

Have you talked to your dad about any of this? My husband's father was similar, let the new wife push his kids away, to the point where they only really reconnected right before we got married, after more than ten years, and he never met his granddaughter because he allowed the wife to move him across the country to be near HER granddaughter. He expressed this regret to my husband shortly before he passed away, when he couldn't meet his granddaughter because I wasn't flying her across the country as a tiny baby only to not be allowed in the ICU. Honestly, I think you need to talk to your dad about this before it's too late and all you have left is regret.

You should simply tell your dad that your stepmother wrote you an nasty email, and that you are now DONE talking to her. Period. Give him your side of the story. Tell him about the way she's treated you. Let him know you would like to see him, and only him from now on. Make it clear that you want him in your life (even though he's been hurtful to you) If you go to visit, stay in a hotel and go to lunch or dinner with him alone. Make her feel as unwelcome as she's made you feel!

I think that if you want a relationship with your father, you need to communicate with your father. Ask him what he wants, if what she said is true (not in an angry way). See what he says. See if there is room for a day visit where you do other things but meet at a neutral location, with or without SM. Somewhere low pressure where you can see him face to face.

I had a falling out with my sister when we were in our early 20s. We missed each other's weddings because of it. That is time I will never get back. If you truly want a relationship with him, talk to HIM. You may need to see her as well now and then, but if you cut her out, you may also cut him out. It is a fine line.

It may be that he chooses to never put any effort in and you can say you tried, end of discussion with SM. But I would not discuss your relationship with your father with your SM at this point. You say she's controlling so maybe this is another control tactic.

Good luck. Maybe it's also time for you to spend more time with your brother so that your children have that extended family connection.