Need Advice About Decision...

You probably did the right thing as this is something she is going to have to go through until she's old enough to make up her own mind or goes to college. I'm one of those parents that runs after my 8 year old at 1 in the morning from my own parents house if he wants to come. What you decided is the better lesson.

I definitely think you are doing the right thing! Good for you!!

Hi J., I have this same problem with my son! You're not the only one out there ; ) He'll be 8 in Oct, and his step-mom has been in his life since he was born. He goes to his Dad's (bout 10min away from us) every weekend, and a week or two during the summer (and whenever there are breaks from school etc..) It's to the point though, his Dad gets so busy with work, he hates going out there and being stuck with his step-mom and 2 half brothers. His step-mom is great, but she does have her moments where she favors his brothers over him = P He was just out there for a week, and not even after 3 days was calling to come home! He usually goes to his Gramma's up the street to see his cousin and try to stay with her instead of his step-mom. I know he's being well taken care of, and he has fun, goes swimming etc... But it does break my heart when he calls cause he's not getting the attention he needs from Dad and just wants to come home. I always tell him to stick it out, and if it gets that bad, he can call me and I'll come get him. He usually makes it through just fine though! It takes some bribeing from his Dad to stay there sometimes, but it works out. I'd go ahead and leave her out there, give her more bonding time with her step-mom and step-brother. I'm sure she'll end up having fun in the long run! Good Luck! Hope that helps to know you're not the only one in this kind of situation! = )

Your dd is likely feeling out of place, which is completely natural (who hasn't, at one time or another, felt out of place?). Spending time there without her father may or may not change those feelings, but since it's only a couple of weeks, she'll be fine. Maybe send her a notebook and let her write about her feelings and her visit (and she doesn't have to let you read it).
In any case, she's young; she'll adapt and learn from this situation.
And you should, too, for next time--if it's possible that her father won't be there for all of a visit in the future, then plan for that possibility ahead of time, and give dd a little advance notice so she doesn't feel completely unprepared. You'll feel better about it, too.
That said, we all have to learn to deal with unexpected situations, and this is just one tiny bump in life's road. No need to spend too much time over-analyzing your decisions; in a few more weeks, it won't even matter. ;-)
HTH!
--A. in MO

J. -

I can imagine how your heart felt a little heavy getting that call and making the decision to have her stay. But, I think that so long as you feel she is safe and in no harm emotionally or physically (other than being a little homesick) then I think it is fine for her to stay the rest of her visit. You may have just caught her at a moment of downtime when she wasn't occupied and had a chance to think about home. Or maybe she worried she was missing out on something at home!
Like I said if she is safe and all then I think that her staying would be best. Like you said, you don't want her to think she can be in charge of these kinds of decisions. I think maybe send her a little care package to cheer her...stickers, a journal, something from home, her favorite candy and maybe a book or dvd. Or give her small gifts inside one box to open - maybe one to open for each day she has left. Little trinkets nothing expensive or fancy. Just something fun to look forward to.
She'll be fine! I bet you are thinking of it much more than her!! We as mommies always do!
God Bless!!!

J. ~ I agree you did the right thing. I too would visit my Dad when I was young and most of the time he was not with me but my StepMom was. I also had a Brother and Sister who lived together that visited the same times I did. (my dad was married 3 times) We put my StepMom through heck! We blamed her for our Dad not being around, we did not care for her much. But I can tell you my Mom made me go and made me stay and today my StepMom and I are very close and I thank her for all she did for us kids. She taught us about love, we did not deserve it but she gave it and that is a valuable lesson. Even though I did not want to do things with her at the time, some of my fondest memories are actually with her. SO take breath and relax. All will be fine.

I think if you just call her and tell her that your thinking about her than she will know that you too miss her, but I think you did the right thing and yes it is good to let them know now that they won't always get their way.

She'll be fine. My stepson (15) did similar things when he was that age. His father works all the time. If Dad wasn't home he would call his mom and want to come home. We have always had a good relationship but he really likes to see his Dad.

Now that he is in highschool we have a whole different dynamic. He doesn't like to spend the weekends with us because most of his friends from school live by his mother. We have loosened up on his visits but make it mandatory for one a week since his little sisters (3 & 5) hold him in rock star status. The visits are as much for them as them as they are for Dad. So leaving your daughter with SM and the siblings will probably be something they look forward to every year as well.

Best of luck!

Well personally, I don't see how spending a few more weeks is going to help or hurt her relationship with her stepmom. I also fail to see a reason why she should stay there without her father. BUT, I have to say I never cared for my stepmom at all and I couldn't wait to get away. Her real life is here. I'm sure she just feels like a fish out of water.

Suzi

I do not think you have anything to worry about. Think as the 8 year old does, DADDY just left, so mommy is all I have now. She may think DADDY has left for awhile, what if my mommy does not want me. JUST assure her you are there to talk to, and to enjoy her time with the step-parent and half sibling.

My husband is military also. He was deployed to Iraq for one year from Oct. 2006- Oct. 2007. Our daughter (who is his step-daughter, but he is the only daddy she has ever had) acted out a lot while he was deployed. Your daughter could be acting out. She could be missing her dad. Don't automatically assume that something is wrong in the household, or that it's her wanting her way. Talk to her and ask her about her feelings about her father having to leave for military duty. You may find that she is just going through a scary transition right now. Good luck!

Praying for the next two weeks to fly by for both of you.

God Bless,
L. B

from what you said i feel like you did the right thing. if your daughter is 8 and the stepmom has been there almost her whole life, i see no reason not to accept her and her "side" of the family as your daughter's family too. it seems as though the stepmom has real affection for your daughter. you're so lucky! and what you told your daughter was right - she'll get to playing with cousins and have a good old time. then you can remind her how she wanted to leave, and wasn't she glad she didn't?? lol. she'll be great, rest assured!

After reading everyone else's responses I guess I'm the oddball here. In my opinion the visitation is suppose to be with the father. If the father isn't there then why should your daughter be?

If it were my child and she wanted to come back I wouldn't have hesitated since she's already been there a couple of weeks. If Dad knew when he was leaving town then visitation should have been worked around that.

By the way, I have been in this situation before with visitation and a step-parent. It isn't an easy place to be. I always looked at it like this....would I want to be force to stay somewhere that I really didn't want to be? Who does? Being a child shouldn't change the facts and they should't be sweet talked into staying with whatever event.

HI J.,
I pretty much knew what advice I was going to suggest prior to reading, but I wanted to peak at a few to just see what others thoughts were. My first thought was--visitation is for the natural parent and if the natural parent is not there then what is the point? My next thought was---being an ARMY brat---whenever my Dad was deployed I missed him deeply and I could not even imagine having to be away from my mom as well.
I honestly do not think, at the age of 8, that she is just "trying to get her way" but rather she can not deal with the emotion of being away from her Dad and You at the same time. The world is a harsh place for us to be making our children do things they don't want to do at such young ages. Let them be children. She has plenty of time to be away when she becomes a teen, and will actually want to be away, then you and your husband will want her around more, then there is college. She is too young. Let her come home--She needs You, she misses her Dad and "step-mom" could never replace your hugs and kisses. Plus, I have seen how my friends children whose parents are deployed are, they only want to be with the parent that is home. They want their friends to come to their houses, not vice-versa--they honestly just do not want to be detached from the parent that is home.
I say all this with heart.
With Prayers, M. N.

I think you made a good decision. She's a lucky little girl to have so many people that care about her. And it's refreshing to know that people can be grown up and civil with each other after going their separate ways. After my mom left my father, we barely saw him ( I think twice in all my years growing up ) because of the animosity they held for each other. It wasn't until I had my own baby that I got to know him again and meet the wonderful woman that's now my step-mom. In later years I'm certain your daughter will appreciate all you did and the decisions you made that ensured her chance at knowing and loving everyone in her extended family. And as far as the worrying, I'm pretty sure that's what moms are made for:) Hang in there!

HI...
My husband was deployed for almost 2 years and we had a 10 month old and 1 one the way(which he missed the birth of). He also had a 14 year old (who is now 16) son from a previous relationship. I know my girls were too young to know what was going on, but my stepson didn't. My opinion (after seeing what he went through) is that you should bring your daughter home. She wants to be somewhere that she feels safe and loved (not that she isn't geting that from her step-family), but she needs her mom. I don't think it will be the case that she is "getting what she wants", but that she needs to be "home". Again, this is my opinion.
Hope this helps!
D.

Good Morning J., I think for her to stay where she is with her second mom is good idea. Obviously the Mom wants her to stay also. Everyone agrees she will be fine and enjoy her time.

So enjoy your time also and do things for yourself, while you have the time.

Blessings sent
K.

Hi, J.. I think you did the right thing. If this woman has been in her life since birth, she knows her well, and is probably used to being around just her for short periods. I think it will help your daughter feel even more comfortable and confident in the situation she is in.

I think your little girl needs and is asking for YOU right now, not her stepmom. While stepmom may be a great lady she is not MOM, nor is she the reason for visitation. Your daughter went to visit her DAD, he is not there now so why should she have to stay. In my opinion an eight year old should not have to tough it out for 2 weeks without either parent. It is probably hard for her to see Dad leave and she wants to feel secure and you are the one person she is seeking security from now.

I would have brought her home in a heartbeat. She's there to see her dad not his wife and his new kid. So really there's no reason for her to be there. Why bond with her stepmom. I'd want her with me.

Ths can be a touchy situation, but if I were you, here's what I would do. Let her stick it out for a few more days, just to see how it goes.....let her try and have a relationship where she can depend on her step-mom if needed. If she is still complaining ask her why it is she want to come home so badly.besides she misses you. Does she feel out of place with her dad not there? If she wants to come home badly enought, have her talk to her dad and explain why and talk to her step-mom and explain why. Make her stick it out, unless she's willing to stick up for herself and express her own feelings so it doesn't have to go through you.

My daughter is now 11, and for the last few years, if she wants to do something or go somewhere on a day she is normally at her dad's house, I make her express her feelings, so it doesn't seem like I am asking.

On the flip side of it all, if she really is needing you now for the comfort, then take her home. She also needs to know you are here for her when she needs you. So you will need to use your best judgement................good luck with it all.

Good luck.

Coming from the side of the stepmom (I have 3 SS) I think your decision was a good one. My 2 older SS's mom is wonderful. The youngest SS's mom isn't. She refuses to have him stay here unless his dad is here. We have tried to tell her that he IS here to visit his dad, but I am his wife and he needs a relationship with me just like he has with her live-in boyfriend of 5 years. It is very frustrating to be the outsider and not get a chance to connect with him and spend one-on-one time with him. I can imagine it is hard since you are her mom, but I think you did right.

Also, we have had a huge struggle with my youngest SS crying or whining about not wanting to stay here (when he was younger) and his mom always came to get him even though we told her not to. It is his time with us and we had fun activities planned, etc.....but she always ignored. So, he got used to being able to doing that and she would call and say her didn't want to come or make up excuses. We have since gotten past that b/c she FINALLY pushed him to stay and made him stay....so I think you are thinking right on that!

I think you did the right thing. It will be over before both of you know it.