Adopted Kids and Transition Relapse Question

I adopted my daughter at age 12. She came to live with me when she was 7. As an adult she is still dealing some with separation anxiety/abandonment issues. That's what it sounds like your son is dealing with. My daughter was older than your son and had suffered thru 5 foster homes before coming to live with me.

I suggest that your son will outgrow this. Two is an age during which babies suffer separation anxiety. Are you sure his reaction isn't normal for his age? It sounds like you thoughtfully dealt with the transition to your home. If he'd been with just the one foster placement, I suggest that he may not still be traumatized. It's good that he bonded with his foster family. That gave him a secure environment in which to learn trust. Given a loving and supportive environment we do heal from trauma.

You can check in with a child therapist who could evaluate him and help you better understand what is happening with him. One option would be to have him in play therapy. At 2 I suggest that is the best way to reach him.

I suggest that you continue reassuring him. When ever possible tell him ahead of time when there is going to be a change. Give him lots of cuddles/hugs as you enter the transition. And stop treating him as if he's traumatized. The way we treat children has a direct influence on the way they act.

It might help, if you haven't already done so, look up developmental stages in emotional growth. I suggest that at 2 he's once more visiting the place in which he continues to develop trust. As a baby baby he still saw himself as a part of the mother. Now, he's aware that he's a separate individual. So he learns to trust in a new way.

My little brother was adopted, he was only 4 months old when we got him. But he was a neglected infant that developed Attachment Disorder, very common among adopted infants. He was in professional therapy by the time he was 2... when he was older, he also was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. He eventually had to be institutionalized in a boys home because he was very dangerous to the family. He had very rough child/teen years, but now he is very stable, caring adult, though not very close to the family. We absolutely needed family counseling to get through a lot of the things we went through.

So, I am going to be the one to tell you, that even at this young age, play therapy can be a benefit... to him and the whole family may need some counseling as well.

Or, it could just be normal separation anxiety, lots of great advice on askdrsears.com or babycenter on how to deal with that. I tend to go with more serious measures with adopted children though.

My GS was taken by CPS when he was about 6 weeks old. Although he visited with his mom on a regular basis, he did not get to come home for about 6 months. It has had long-term affects. He gets extremely upset when mom leaves. Much more so than any other child. Also, he has abandonment issues. I believe that he doesn't really remember being taken and all that because he was so young, but I believe that he recalls the feelings and emotions. I bet it's the same for your little guy. I don't know that they'll ever truly "get over" it.

Shoot, some days are hard with our OWN children! Little children react bad to change, so it's completely normal if he acts out. I know several boys (not adopted) who went through the tantrum stage your son is going through, even my son had a phase like that between 2 and 3 y.o.. Please, dont treat him like a problem, he sounds completely normal to me. I don't mean to disregard your legitimate concerns as an adoptive mother, but he's in that *terrible* age range (2 to 3 y-o.) we've all experienced. Try with more tlc and a super stable, very predictable, routine - it'll help everyone. He sounds like a regular child to me.

I'll try to add more later, but I wanted to recommend the book "The Explosive Child". I've found it very useful.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Explosive-Child-Understanding-C...

Play therapy is definately recommended. He may have a slight attachment disorder! get it checked and love him a little bit more!

Not to make a mountain out of a molehill but ... brilliant, controlling, and resistant to change might have more to do with WHO this little guy is than his adoption experience.

He was under a year when he came to you and has been with you more than twice as long as he was away from you. You may need to consider the possibility that this ISN'T about THAT transition, but about THIS child. Again, not to make this more than it is, or armchair diagnose, but he sounds a bit like my son who we are now (at 6) discovering may be on the Autism spectrum.

Might be worth taking him in for evaluation with the psychologist or psychiatrist that is working with your other son. Figuring out how exactly what is going on with him may change the way you help.

Either way, I think your idea of getting him into some kind of therapy is a really good one.

Hope this helps,
T.