Accountability (Or Lack Thereof) of the Non-custodial Parent

This is exactly why I created this petition!!!!
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/2/-protect-the-children/

I am so sorry you are having this difficulty.

I am a single mom too and I know how frustrating this must be for you. First of all, look into a Rainbows group for Aaron. It may help him to talk with other children going through grief (divorce and death). I loved my Rainbows group and my 5-year-old did too. I didn't notice until after our first meeting that she'd stopped laughing. On the way home she couldn't stop giggling and I started crying b/c I hadn't noticed how sad she was from the divorce. I got a lot of support too. It helped to be able to talk to others who were going through some of the same stuff. It also helped listening to others' stories because some were worse than mine!

Here's my input...

1. Document, document, document. Keep records of everything. I e-mail my ex after we've had conversations (ie "Per our conversation..."), or after any event. That way he knows everything is documented. It helps him behave. I also keep a record of expenses. You never know when that will come in handy.

2. If you ex has a drinking problem, you may find some help in attending Alanon meetings. People there may be able to help you set healthy boundaries that help you and your son.

3. See a therapist who is experienced in these matters. He/she may be able to help you navigate these situations and help you make good, legal decisions.

4. Check with your lawyer to see what your rights are. For example, if my ex changes his mind at the last minute, he's responsible for childcare expenses. I put that in our original agreement because he's not dependable. For him, a financial consequense is what it took to keep him accountable.

5. After you have things documented and you've made sure your side of the streeet is clean, consider contacting your attorney for advise on changing visitation.

Good luck and remember; it takes 5 (five) friends to help us through tough times...it helps us to be able to tell our stories to several friends and it keeps us from wearing just one of them out!

Wow I do really feel for you!! I could offer this or that advise but the best I could offer I think would be to get a lawyer. A really good lawyer. A shark(you know what I mean). One that'll make him wish he'd never started this ugly little war he insists on playing. And as for picking him up DUI, next time I know it might be hard, but call the cops. No judge in this world would ever hold you in contempt if you said "no way is he going with you when you're like this". Stand your ground. You're right in this situation and you've just gotta get someone who'll fight for you. Your son is the only one getting hurt in all this and as the good mother you obviously are I know that's the last thing you want. Good luck and let us know how it turns out:)

Hi, my name is Angie. I can comment on part of your story. I am married to a man who had 2 sons when we got married. They both lived with us for a while right after we got married due to their mom living with another man she was not married to. My husbands ex would say she was coming to get the boys, and not show up. It got to be heart-breaking to see them disappointed when she did not show up. So, I finally would not tell them she was coming. I would have their stuff packed, ready to go, and them ready without telling them. Then, if she showed up, they'd go, but if not, they were not disappointed. It really is sad that someone has children and does not care for them the way they should.

Hope this helps
Angie C.

Hello dear, I am so sorry to hear about all this. I thank God that my son was only between 7 months old and two when I was truly fighting with my ex-husband. First and foremost, as the other lady said, document everything. Second, you are letting him control your life and you can't do that. That is exactly what is he is doing, and he loves it. It is going to be very hard to get that control back, but I know you can do it! Next, go file the paperwork for contempt of court. When the court date comes, let them know that exactly what has happened, ie: the phone number (see if the court has it), showing up drunk to pick your son up (which you are totally within your right not to let him go and if he wants to call the police, let him or call yourself!), waiting until the last minute to call you to cancel visitation etc. At least one of these should be contempt of court. I ended up filing and winning sole custody, but I admit I bribed him too. I told him he could quit paying child support if he signed the adoption papers. He never actually did, but we got around that this past year since he lives in Virginia and we live in Georgia. (The laws are different here) Anyway, once he figures out that he doesn't scare you, then he loses all control. We are dealing with my husband's ex-girlfriend on all this same stuff, she takes us back to court once a year for more child support and trys to take visitation away from us. Since Matt is in the military, she is adamant that Alisa will not go out of the country, even for visitation, and while he's in Korea, she doesn't want her to see me or her four siblings. In Virginia, I know they have stepparents rights, which I am going to check into once I move there. Good luck and let me know how things go!

Wow. What a jerk. What does the court say when you tell them all this? Have you told the court/judge any of this? Do you keep a journal with the dates and times of each irresposible thing that your ex does and says? Maybe have witnesses keep a journal also? Never under any circumstances let your child get in a car with someone that is impaired, no matter what you think the court will do to you, call the police if he shows up that way again and insists on taking your child. Why are you the only one accountable? He should be held accountable for the things that he does that affect you and your son. Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

T., I have been in your shoes. And they can be very uncomfortable. I suggest you document everytime he doesnt show up, changes his mind, lack of a phone number to contact your son...everything you can think of and then contact an attorney. And continue to play fair, it will pay off. But the next time he shows up drunk for visitation you can refuse and call the police. You do NOT have to let your son go with his dad if he is physically impaired. Feel free to contact me if you need to talk more...it does help to have a friend to listen.

If you do find out any information can you please pass it on to me? I am in a similar situation. My ex-husband is remarried with 3 other children, as am I. The thing is that I feel like he only get my son(every other weekend) to spite me. He is hardly ever there when Alex is, he is always working, or riding his motorcycle, or hunting. Alex is very involved in sports and in 3 years of football & basketball his bioligical dad attended 3 games. His stepmom picks him up and drops him off. His brothers are 6,3 & 5 months. Alex comes home constantly telling me that they were mean to him, and he has bruises or scratches on him. He even has scars on his face. I have talked to his dad about it, but with no avil it never changes. I too would like to know my rights as a custodial parent. How do we protect our children from the pain & suffering or sorry dads....Sperm donors is what I like to call them....

It looks as if you've gotten some very good advice I just thought that I would say to you "Never change who you are your reward will come from being true and it sets such a clear example for your child to be a responsable and honest person so never change even if you want to stoop to his level and I understand it's tough to always do the right thing" I live by this: Honesty, enthusiasm, peace, endurance, determination and, vision! I use those as the guide line for my life and it really helps to keep things in perspective for me so I thought I would share it cause I can only kep it if I give it away! Your gonne be fine and take the advice to document EVERYTHING and take a stand to have peace in you and your childs life by making him accountable through the courts! Good luck!

#1 - Are you in the state of Georgia?
#2 - Does the court system know what he has been doing?

You can contest the visitation rights. A friend of mine is having a similar problem with her ex-husband. He shows up late, doesn't come get his son, things of that nature.
If he is showing up under the influence, he is putting not only himself, but also the childs life in danger.
We have told a judge and lawyer, that if my sons father ever shows up and wants to see Michael, he is to have a drug test and alchohol screening before my son goes anywhere with him. It is also supervised.
its men like Mike that make me happy my sons father chose not to come around. He pays his child support, but he leaves us alone.

T.,
My advice to you is to document everything. Write down everything cause that will hold up in court as evidence. I would talk to your Lawyer and ask them what your rights are and it there is anything you can hold him in contemp on. Does your ex not realize what this is doing to your son? I went thru a situtation a little different than yours cause we had to go to court for my husbands children. It is a very long story but in the end it all worked out. Just hang in there. You may even want to start recoding your phone conversations cause when he calls and says he does not want him that visitation you have it on record that he said No when he was supposed to have him. In Georgia you can record a converstaion as long as one of the parties knows. Definetly talk to your lawyer and see what you can do. I hope this helps you. Please e-mail me if you have any other questions.

Thanks,
J. D.

From what I have read I am surprised your own attorney has not told you to go back to court to modify the visitations since he is violating the order himself.He has to give you the number so you can communicate with him and not use your son as a middle man,which the courts usually state in custody and visitation orders. I would of course document everything.Time he calls either to cancel or say I want.The court will need to see that he is not following the guidlines of the order and then you'll see the law work in your favor.He may think he can play aroung the system but I know how to work the system too.

Hello T. - Nice name. Well, first no disrespect - but this guy is a jerk, unfortunately he likes playing games. You as a women and a mother will have to put your foot down. 1st - stop being available for this guy. Do you have caller ID? Don't always answer the phone when it's him. He obviously hasn't gotten over you. So to keep your life as miserable as his - he will make it that way. 2nd you need to write down everything that he is doing against the court order. Dates, times, etc. 3rd you need to have a number where he can be reached. If he can't give it to you - then your child can't go. To many kids are being hurt by their biological parents to allow that risk. Get another court date - You can appeal to the courts that he isn't doing what he is suppose to do. He isn't giving you a number, he cancels and ruins your whole schedule. You have to be an advocate for yourself and your son. Demand respect from him and the court. You have to play hard ball - don't think about his feelings - think about your sons and yours - what it is doing to him mentally. You may not see it now - but as your son gets older - he will have the same respect for women as his father does. NONE!! I was a single mother of 2 girls, before getting re-married. My ex-husband was scum of the earth. But I didn't allow him or the court to dictate to me. My children were at risk - to many fathers are killing their own children - you need to take this serious. His behavior is very selfish - and its not about being fair - its about - your life, and your sons life. Do it the legal way - but hard ball it all the way. That's why you have to write down everything he does or doesn't do. So when you go to court - you have everything. Stop thinking if he doesn't see his father - it will hurt him. No if his father doesn't get his life together its going to ruin him anyway. Please don't get offended - I'm a very strong person, and I have been in your situation before - and I don't think women should just take it - fight for your son like his life depends on it.

Hi you have received alot of good advice.What I would like to add is do not allow him to control or for you to live in fear ( the what if's) I too have lived this and your story is like looking back at a page of my own life. I allowed mine to control situations. first, always have a back up plan for childcare. I had a part time job when my ex was suppose to have visitation and I gave it up. I allowed hime to have power over me. that hurts your children because you are frustrated with the ex. kid's know and can read your emotions. document everything get caller id when it's time for him to make arrangements for weekend or he might be calling to cancel allow you machine to pick up let him leave message so you have it on tape. I had several tapes just incase to back up my claims. next the drinking call cop or the neighbor suggestion sre both good. what I can tell you you be true to self and God. my children are 17 &16 they know and saw for themselves whom he truly is i never stooped to his level but it was years and theropy before I realized I'm the gatekeeper the one whom protects the kids. my 17 yr old has little to do with her dad 16 yr old loves his dad but truly sees him for whom he is. and they both will stand up to him to protect or defend me. so being true to your self does pay off.please feel free to contact me

My advice would be to put it in writing. I have a friend who does a calendar quarterly. She goes strickly by the divorce and if your ex is not there when he's supposed to be document it, call his cell phone so theres a record of your call. It's almost impossible to play fair. My daughter calls me a door mat. Luckily my kids are almost grown. Good Luck

Hi, I am a mom of an 18 month old. I don't have your situation and I have not experienced it, but your story was compelling enough for me to respond. It sounds like you need to have a talk with your ex-husband about this not being about getting you back for something. This is about the child and what he is doing to the child-it's not hurting you but hurting the child. Your 5yr old will grow up and realize what his dad is doing to him. If, he wants his son to grow up respecting him, then he better show his child some respect by living up to his word and beig a good role model. If that does not work, I suggest documenting everything. Keep a log of all the things that he has not done (not picking the child up on time) and all the visitations that he has cancelled. If you have to go back to court to fight for full custody, then you can use this documentation to prove that he's not being a good parent. Good luck!

My father use to do the same to me when I was younger. He would tell me he's coming to pick me up or to my birthday and no call no show about 90% of the time. All this did was made me more distant from him as I got older...now he's the one calling me up begging me to come over! I firmly believe in letting a parent see their child, it only hurts the child to keep him or her from the other parent. HOWEVER, if your husband is constantly dissapointing ur son and only showing when he feels like it then be sure to let ur son choose on his own how he feels about his dad's lack of parenting skills, dont put thoughts into his head and don't speak badly of his infront of ur son, believe me he will make his own choice based on how bad of a job ur husband is doing when he's older. I can't help u legally sort this out but it does sound he does it for kicks (something a teenager would do) then u have to handle him as if he were a kid. If he calls or shows with no warning and dampers ur plans, as much as it makes u angry don't allow it to show to him. If he feeds off of it then ur only giving him what he wants and letting him dictate u as if u were still married. Each time he does something try to find the one positive thing out of it...like well atleast he came and got Aaron or w.e it may be and run with it. In other words put on a face in front of the ex and show no weakness to his antics. If he is feeding off of ur anquish then cut his supply off...atleast he wont get the satisfaction of making ur life hell.Now this may not change his lack of being a responsible but atleast ur not feuling it by letting him know it gets to you.

I wish I had some great nugget of wisdom for you but do agree that you should write everything down, down to the minute. And for the DUI, definatley call the cops or if you have a neighbor that you trust have them do it. Your in my prayers for wisdom and strength in this situation. I'm sure it's not easy on you or your son. Best of luck and keep us posted.

What you are seeing is the old child support collection system bandaided up with a few new bells and whistles.
This is called Welfare Reform.
The federal government pours billions of dollars into the states for all the
programs you are seeing in the family law system.
The system is understaffed and is attempting to deal with the noncustodial
parent somewhat the same as you would deal with trying to catch a fish
in a huge fish tank using a straw.
What is required in this entire scenario is System Analysis.

Day care providers and other sources of exchange systems for visitation don't want to get involved in visitation exchanges any more becauses it puts them in liability. And they have that right. The police are already overtaxed with their own jobs,, and that leaves the custodial parent to have to do all the exchanges. There is a question now whether or not
there is a conflict of interest here, because the person who is getting
charged wih visitation violations is the very person who has been put
in charge of overseeing it!!!!!!!! The custodial parent. There has been
some idea here that the states should come up with a state funded
visitation station that can be recorded by the state since this area
of the law is so critical to access. Might be good idea.

Either the custodial parent is in the welfare system, or they are paying for
the child themselves and doing the exchange themselves. If it can be done this way and you have cooperation between parents.

The system is about the kids. Period.

People divorcing, and paternity suits always seem to have emotional conflict problems, and the loopholes on both sides of the house for custodial and noncustodial parents need to be closed to remove the
game playing that is going on in the system. Instead of looking at it
like a big family fight, it needs to be looked at as a System. Just
like any other system. And this is what is missing.
The DMV, the tax systems, aerospace, and other systems are seen as systems and perhaps this system needs to be more standardized than
anything. Understaffing a system makes it less effective and this is not
really the way any system should be run for be effective. Oversight of
both sides of the aisle is really necessary here. And this was our thought.
Professionalism in the past decades in almost every system in this country has gone by the wayside, and it is showing big time.

So your complaints appear to be standard across the board. If the DMV,
aerospace, Medi-cal and other systems have to follow rules than this system should be no different. And this is our input here. Thanks.

You keep mentioning that you are accountable and he isn't-why is that? It seems to me like your fear of what he may do is enabling him a little bit and that he is obviously taking advantage of the situation. Don't let him have this power over you. His actions don't show that he would want full custody, so if I were you, I would force him to comply, too. Call his bluff. If he is supposed to provide you with a number but refuses, then don't let him get your son. The worst thing he can do is call the police who will ask to see the paperwork and then they will make him give you a phone number before they allow him to take your son(they can't force you to comply and not force him to as well). If it does come to this, verify the phone number by calling it before he and the police leave, too. Then if he does decide to take you to court, you have all of your documentation of his actions as evidence. My best friend went through this exact same thing and was actually living with me at the time, so I have seen this happen more than once. I understand you are trying to be the bigger person in all of this, but sometimes doing whatever it takes to ensure the safety of your child is part of being the bigger person and it is always the most important thing you can do. Good luck.