I have been divorced from my ex for 5 years. We have 3 children together. Our oldest lives with him and the 2 youngest live with me and my husband. I am re-married. Since the get go my ex has had a serious problem paying child support and following visitations schedules. . We go to court about 4 times a year and he keeps getting a slap on the wrist. He doesn't have anything to do with my 2 young ones. We haven't heard from him since Feb. This is not something new. He likes to pick and choose when he would like to talk to them and visit. During our marriage there was drug and acolhol use on his part. It affected our marriage and many other things. He cheated during our marriage and ended up having a child with another woman. He does not have anything to do with that child either. He is re-married and they have 3 children together. So, to total it out he has 3 with me, one with one other girl and then 3 with his new wife. That makes 7. My children honestly don't understand who he is and why they even have to see him. My son is 7 and my daughter is 8. From what they know my husband now is there dad and has been there only dad. I recently wrote the friend of the court to get his rights terminated. I was informed that they can't do that. We don't have the money for a lawyer. The firend of the court has given him time after time his parenting time. Yet, he does not follow through. These kids don't know him. They don't know his wife or his kids. They don't even know their big brother. My husband now would like to give them his last name. The kids think we all have the same last name anyway. I can't say why, but this matters to us. My ex hurts these kids more than he does any good. I want them to grow up in a loving home. Something they have right now. But when my ex decides he wants some time everything is blown out the door. I was forced to send my children to him for 3 days. They came back filthy, stained clothes, and very unhappy. How is that the right thing to do? How is that in the best interest of the children? Can some please give me some adive on how to handle this situation?
Thank you for all your advice. First, my oldest is 12 and he decided to live with his dad. But, I don't want to sound like a bad mom but I know I am going to come off as one concerning him. We do have contact with him and he is able to visit my mom and dad in Michigan often. Now, mind you, all this is happening in Michigan. I am the only one in OKlahoma. So we do not get to see him. But we are able to talk on the phone. My oldest has had major problems in the past. We did have him in our custody for about a year. The ex was not in the picture at this time. And it took a year of pure hell to help my oldest son. But we managed. Then the ex shows up. Screwed everything we had done to hell and back. It was under the recommmondation by specialists that my oldest live with his father. My ex does want him. And he is able to give him the attention he needs. Now whether that is good attention, that is the question. But I agreed to it all because he needed help I could not give him. He (my oldest) now lives in the mess that my ex has created for himself. My oldest shares a room with a newborn. Which I know has to be hard. My ex is on wel-fare so my oldest gets his help from the state of Michigan. As far as the lawyers go...When we moved down to Oklahoma I contacted one. I was told I do have to wait the year with no contact. Which I was told could be phone or visit. My ex had contact with us in Feb. So I have to wait until next feb to do anything. Also, as far as child support goes, I was informed that even though he does not pay he is allowed to his visitations. I was told that they are 2 seperate cases. And you can't hold the one against the other. We have gone to court over both issues too many times to count. He has been given chance after chance after chance. I was able to get his visitations to supervised in my or my mothers home. Due to his inconsistancy. My 2 here with me stopped asking about my ex many years ago. And at one time when he was visiting he was forcing them to call him dad. We had never forced any of them to call anyone "dad" or "mom". But they started my husband now dad a long time ago. And they started calling my ex by his first name. Because that is how I referred to him. And that has just stuck. It may have been worng of me, but I didn't correct them when they called my ex by his first name. He was never a "dad" to them anyway. Why should he be given the privledge of being called that. As far as everything being documented, it is. I send the courts in Michigan notebooks full. They have everything. He just gives them an excuse and then on to the next court date. As it is right now they havent had a visit with him in alomost a year. I was able to stop most of that. The phone calls once every six months are another thing. He calls from a different number everytime. Cause If I knew it was him I would not answer and act like I didn't know a thing. I will take everyone's advice and see what I can come up with. Thank you and I will keep you posted. A.
My girlfriend has a similar problem, but she isn't married yet. To make a long story short, you are and that helps a lot. A suggestion she was given two years ago, and don't know if it would help you or not, but she was told that once she did get married to have her new husband officially adopt the children. Maybe that's something to look into? Good luck :-)
Hi A.,
This sounds like a difficult situation, and since I haven't been through that, I don't have much advice to offer. The only idea I can come up with is to check out free legal advice help available on the internet. I ran a Google search for "free legal advice" and came up with this webpage called, "Free Advice".
http://family-law.freeadvice.com/child_custody/
I found a second webpage that had a lot of good information on it - it's worth checking out. It's called "Law Info.com".
http://www.lawinfo.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/Client.laware...
There is also a third webpage that I came across for lawyers who work pro-bono. It's called "Probono.net."
Last but not least, you may be able to check out the American Bar Association webpage.
Good luck to you, and please keep us updated if you find a solution to your problem. It may help out other people in the same situation.
Hi A., First of all welcome to Oklahoma. How old is your oldest child, and was it his/her choice to live with dad? Its sad to know that your children are separted like that. Well, from past experience, I think when the children turn 12 or 13, they can refuse to see him.There is a 800 number you can call if he is $5000.00 behind in back child support. I think its 1-800-kids. His rights can be terminated "if" he has no contact or no support for one year. This was told to my daughter by a lawyer. If you feel your children are in danger when your x has them, you could possibly contact child welfare, but don't count on any action. I have dealt with that situation many times. I was told a long time ago by a court offical that even though my x did not pay child support he was still allow to see kids. I told them not a chance, of course I would be in contempt of court, but I didn't care. I know its hard for you and kids, but the law is funny, unless you have money,its ok for the dad to skip out on his responsibilities, but you have to hold up to yours. Please let me know how its going, it really bothers me how parents manage to deny their children. Your children knows who loves them,the kids see more than anyone can imagine. Your x will be the one to suffer in the end. Keep your head up, just love your kids and be proud of them. I would love to keep in contact with you, its always nice to have some support.
i can relate to your story...i have been divorced for almost 5 yrs....moved from denver to glenpool(now live in south tulsa)...my ex, mike...had a affair and left me 5 months pregnant with our third daughter...she is now four....mike just left his 25 yr old girlfriend, she is 6 months pregnant with another daughter of his...he is a mess...arrested for hot checks in front of kids....drinking and driving ..which finally lead me to stop visitations to his house in ar....well, they are now only supervised(althought we never went to court over it)i did hire legal alternatives to help me get the $14,000 back child support...they are a great place especially if money is low...they are in the book...i recommend attorney megan martin...legal alternatives don't rip you off....anyway,,,as you can tell i can at least relate to your wishes...all we want to do is raise these children without constant upset and mental confusion...right?...does he have money...to fight you in court?...if the answer is not really...wear him out...keep those kids away from him altogether...let him take you to court...they are better off without that kindof influence...the only reason he comes around sometimes is to relieve his own guilt..it's not truely for the children
I am going through something similar. My best advice I have to give is just don't answer the phone or be home when he comes by. Get an answering machine if he doesn't leave a message you don't have to call him back. If it is not his scheduled time or he is late then I wouldn't let them go. If he does try to take them (and if its his visitation and on time), let it be their decision. If they don't want to go don't make them. You may be in contempt, but he is contempt too. I hope everything will work out for you and your kids soon.
I don't know the laws in OK, but I would definetely keep a log of the times he does spend with the children, what his parenting days are to be and if he shows up. You can always petition the court for an adoption but usually the other parent has to consent or you have to show that he has had no contact w/ the kids for a certain amt of time. If the adoption goes through, that when the kids' name would be changed.
I know it's hard to deal with but I would call some attys in your area and see if they will give you a free consultation. You can always see if the state can provide you w/ any assistance. I know is KS there is Legal Aid. I don't know if OK has anything like that.
Good luck!
I feel for your children, it must be hard for them to have their lives turned upside down every few months. You didn't mention anything about your oldest child, do you have contact with him? If your ex-husband is so messed up, how is your oldest dealing with the situation? Hopefully, the happy home your providing to your two children will provide an example on how things are suppose to be and they know they are loved. I would be extremely worried about your oldest...does he have any kind of example?
Ok, Only allow visitation as stated in the papers. Document when he comes and when he doesn't. When they come back filthy or otherwise, document some more. This fun game we play is all about documentation. You play exactly by the rules and if he doesn't like it, let him take you to court and bring all of your documentation. You have the papers on your side. Don't let him talk you into anything else. Whether he pays child support or not doesn't matter. You are still obligated to do your part. It sucks, but it's the only way to come out on top. Your kids will know the difference between a loving home and having to go with him. That's what we count on. My husband's kids have to go every other weekend with a moraless lesbian who cheated on their father while they were married. We have custody thanks to her lack of ability to tell the truth on the stand. Also, my son has to spend every other weekend with his father in a broken down, self remodeled trailer next to a junk yard!! We document a LOT. I just apologize to my son for not finding the right person the first time and tell him to make better choices than I did when he grows up. Life is fun, huh? Well, I hope this helps and hang in there! We only have 10 more years until his youngest is 18! It will end!
Hugs, J. =)
A. hi I am having problem with my x and its sound like some of the same thing you are having. My x comes and goes as he pleases. Doesn't follow the rules, such as time the kids need to be home or paying the medical bills. But yet he still get the kids. He is behind in child support and shouldnt have any rights but somehow that doesnt matter. I am at a loss. I go to court and the judge says next time you are here there is going to be trouble. Yeah my mom told me the best thing to do is get a lawyer. I told her I cant afford that. She said call around see who can help and see if they will make the father pay half. Alot of judges and lawyers can do it. Try that and good luck
you need to get a lawyer and have his visitation terminated ! You also need to keep track of everything that he doesn't do or does do with the kids. Write everything down and also have pictures of the kids in the filth they are brought back to you in. I'm not sure of the laws there but you might also want to check to see if the kids can testify also. Name changing is very difficult and also having a parent terminated as a parent but I would deeply look into it. I live in Mo. and what he has done would not be tolerated whatsoever here .
thank goodness in the state of oklahoma it is all a matter of contacting the right people. as far as the cheating oklahoma is a no fault state, he could have cheated with every woman in oklahoma and the courts would not care. but, if he is not taking the children on the assigned days of visitation he is in contempt of court. a divorce decree is a legal document that he must abide by whether he likes it or not. if and when he decides to pick up the children if he is not back at the time stated you call the police. you need to call family and children services(i dont know if that is the exact name) they can help you find someone who could represent you in a court of law because if he is not following the divorce decree then he shouldnt get them at all.
