A Stressed Out Mother of 3 - Spartanburg,SC

I so know what you're going through. I can barely type a message. At this moment, my two year old is climbing in my lap... wanting to play with the mouse and jabbering away at me. This is my life at the moment... who can form a thought?

I would give you a lot of my thoughts, but I can also hear my 9 month old waking up at this moment. Just one suggestion. I try to make a little bit of time for myself each evening when they go to bed and each morning before they wake up. Naps can never be timed or I'd use that also. My husband and older son usually try to take up these times also... so I just have to direct them, that "no... I really need to recharge at these times."

take care,
S.

C.,
In your letter you speak of family members wanting to help but with work schedules it is hard for them. I was wondering if you asked your church family to help. It may not be for 24 hours like you mentioned but maybe some of the teens or the older grandma types could watch the children for a couple of hours. It's just a thought.

K.

Hi C.,

I hear your pain, sister. I am the mother of 5, all close together in age, like yours. Mine are all above 8 years old now and things are gettin' a little easier, but I remember when they were little.

First of all, let me say this: Yes your husband can manage all 3 kids for a few hours by himself. You need to get away, watch a movie, go for a drive, eat out with a girlfriend, get your nails and hair done and then go back and be mommy again. He will manage. I promise. Don't let him dump all the Parenting stuff on you.They are his kids too.

Hire a baby sitter. Call your church and ask the pastor's wife to reccomend someone.

You need time away from your children in order to be an effective parent. But you have to take that time. Put it into your schedule. You cannot let this make you snap, and then you do something that you could regret later.

I hope this helps. If you want to email me, please do, I am here for you to talk to.

You are in my prayers.

W.

I know you feel! I don't have three kids, I just have one 11th month old, but she is handful. I stay at home too. I don't get much alone time either. I try to take a nice hot bath when she goes to bed. It really does help. I have learned that I just need to let some of the house work wait. I think every mother has needed some alone time. It seems like our husbands get as much time as they need. One woman told me that every once in awhile she gets up before all the kids and her husband and leaves. she puts a note by her cell phone and leaves for the day. I plan to do that one day when I have somewhere to go!

I think Brenda M has a great idea about finding a neighborhood kid to help you. That alone will be a great relief.

In the mean time, you need to TAKE what you need. Tell your husband you have plans next Thursday when he gets home- get you hair done, or your nails, or just go get a cup of coffee and go window shopping. This will give him plenty of time to get used to the idea of being alone with the kids. He can handle it fine for just an hour or two.

When I had my two girls in diapers, I went to night school. Getting out of the house to have adult conversations about a subject I enjoyed meant the world to me. If you can, see about joining a club of some sort, or take a class if you think you can handle it. It would be super hard with 3 kids, but it does make you feel better to use your brain again.

I know how u feel i'm a single mom of son who is 6yrs. old . he keeps me going also he's a moma boy. sometimes i feel like i can't breath.here's a little suggestion that works for me.set a bedtime for all of the children.once their sound 2 sleep then u can have that quiet time for yourself to do anything u desire. good luck

I am stressed out myself with my 3 year old boy and 15 month old girl. I can't imagine how you feel with three! I understand how it is to constantly be going. I feel like if I do get some free time (like during naps) I have to much housework to do. There is always laundry or dishes or something that needs to be done. We want to sell our house and I feel like I will never get it on the market b/c it is so hard to keep it immaculate like they want you to with two young children. I would ask your husband to compromise and give you like and hour or two to go get a pedicure and shop or whatever. Just to get out! Then, you give an hour or two to do what he wants. He should be able to handle the three of them for a few hours. It's important for the children that mom and dad take care of themselves and for mom and dad's sanity! I know I would go crazy if I couldn't get away from time to time.

I hear ya - and I only have 1. I didn't think that my hubby could handle it either...until my friends talked me into spending a night at the beach with them. Baby and Daddy turned out just fine. I found out that since my husband doesn't "have" to handle it, he doesn't.
Plan a night with your friends or your mom and leave the kids with Daddy. Prepare the food, diapers and clothes and leave a schedule and then break away! You deserve it!!! (And if he freaks out he can call in some of that family help)

You've gotten some great advice! I, too, am a MOPS mom and definitely recommend it! Also, I'm a member of our local MOMS Club, which stands for Moms Offering Moms Support! www.momsclub.org It sounds like you definitely need some support!

HI C.! I can totally relate! I am also a stay at home mom. I have 4 children, my oldest is 7 and also my step son who I am trying to adopt. we also have a 5 year old, an 18 month old and a new baby 3 weeks old. I have just gotten into that same boat and have not yet been out anywhere alone with all 4. We are in the process of trying to sell our house so have been working like crazy ever since I came home from the hospital to get it in sell condition. My family does live close but the same thing, all work. I can tell you this... start with the park. look for a good park that is surrounded by a fence so you won't need to do any chasing to feel safe. If the kiddos can run of the energy- they are much more bearabable. If it is outragiously hot, go to a fast food place with an indoor play yard. all you need to buy is a soda if you aren't feeding everybody and can still let them run it out. 3 of ours are boys and the energy they have is amazing. But if they can run around like animals for even just 30-60 minutes a day they are much more liveable at home. Do you have friends with kid's? It makes it easier if you have friends who understand and are going through similar things. I am taking all mine out today for the first time. I have a perscription that must be picked up and a few things to get at cvs. It's a small step, but must be taken somewhere if I am ever going to get out of this house! =) I'll let ya know how it goes! if you want to chat you can email me at ____@____.com

Have you thought about joining one of those mom groups. They get together once a week or so with the kids and let them play. It's a great time to let your kids get some exercise and you get time chatting with other moms. It's a time to vent frustrations and get some much-needed information or advice. Also, I am a mother of a 3 year old, but I grew up in a house of 12 kids...yes my mom popped them out left and right. My mom wasn't much of a mother, sad to say, so I was the one who raised my siblings. When I needed time to myself, I left them with my dad for an hour, went to my room and cut on my headphones, took a long bath and just relaxed for one hour. It helps recharge your batteries and get a little "you" time everyday. The only time I was interrupted during that hour was in an emergency. Also, try getting some Baby Einstein or Little Einstein videos. Whenever I needed an hour to clean the house or just relax for a few minutes, I would put my daughter in the little bouncy or swing or those sit and spin gym things and she would watch those videos. They are educational and I never felt guilty about her watching them. She was almost mesmerized by them. I would even take a nap when she took one. It's not easy to get time to yourself but it's necissary for your sanity. Even if the "you" time come after the kids are all asleep at night. See if your husband can watch the kids for one hour while you do something. Stay Sane!!! LOL

~R.~

Yes I think we can all relate to your stress. I definitely would love to have alon time. It rarely happens but I enjoy it when I do get that alone time. What I suggest is see if you can use your family to let each child stay with a different one and then you take time to yourself. That way your husband kind of gets a weekend off and so do you. You can choose to do something with him or do something seperately. Good Luck.

I know a great babysitter that works with kids that are all the same age as yours, Shes so great and so nice. send me a message and Ill tell you your number. Then you should try looking up parenting in columbus under member businesses, because all there play groups and outtings are super kid friendly and ther are lots of other moms who are more then happy to help you wrangle your little ones. Oh and they also have great moms night outs too.

Why don't you find an "as-needed" sitter/day care, but get good references and check them out well...They need to be around other kids sometimes...Try a Mom's Morning Out program for 2-3 mornings a week.

I like a lot of the ideas you are being given MOPS is great! and finding time for you.

However here is some more advice and I hope this comes off right as I do mean it as encouragement.

First I HAVE BEEN THERE!!! The hardest years as far as parenting went was when I have 3 under 3. I have 5 under 8 now but I have older kids who are helpers so it does make things different.

Here is my grand advice- hehe. TRAIN THEM WELL and TRAIN THEM NOW! (If you need help with this come and hang out with me! =-) )
Even whe I had 3 under 3 they took rehular naps at the same time every day- giving me a few hours in the middle of the day and they all went to bed at 7 pm at night and they got up around 7-8 a.m. in the morning.
My kids more or less still do that now but the older kids get to read in their rooms for an hour.
My kids go everywhere with me. Even major shopping. They are well behaved, happy and poliet and we are comlimented often at the fact that they are not screaming tantrum messes in the store.
My husband once said to me that if our children were not well trained and thus delightful that he would not want to have any more and would also resent the kids we did have (at that time- 3)

I am not a perfect mom and I make lots of mistakes and there are defintaley things I know now that would have made my life then a whole lot better.
That is why knowing other moms and moms in different stages of mommyhood is so great!

There were many times I was so overwhelmed as a mom. I had all these little kids and my house was a mess, and I just wanted to step away from it all and claim sanctuary!!!

I still have moments like that on occassion but not because of all out frustration with my kids.

It is hard to stay a happy, loving, patient wife and mommy when you are stressed and frustrated with your day.

Let me encourage you- YOUR DAY CAN BE BETTER!!!! You can be full of you time and family time daily. You can enjoy your kiddos daily. You can be a happy and joyfuil wife and mommy daily. And you can have it now with or without help from others.

I would really love to hang out with you. At a park or over at my house for tea- whatever you would like. I would love to share my kids with you and give you some pointers that will really help!

When I read your msg it reminded me of those days I too felt so overwhelmed and I was thankful that I had a mama with 5 kids in my town to adopt me and "show me the way"
My regular e-mail is ____@____.com
pls e-mail me and lets get together!...M.
oh and p.s...
My husband can handle all the kids- all 5 and other peoples kids at the same time if he has too- why? how? because our kids are well trained and we parent on the same level-
this was not always the case but when we first had 3 under 3 but quickly we learned and he and I both had it all down before we had #4

Wow! You have your hands full! Have you ever thought of joining a mom's club? The MOMS club (moms offering moms support) is an international organization for stay at home moms. If you go to www.momsclub.org, you can look for a chapter in your area. I've found it to be so fun. You can meet other moms, have play date that are either free or not expensive and gain advise and support. Also, a lot of communities have "Mother's Morning Out" where you can drop off your children and have a few hours to yourself. A lot of church groups (MOPS...mother's of preschoolers) offer these. Hope this helps!

Hi C., I know exactly what you are going through. I have 4 children, one who is almost 5 (with autism), and three others who just turned 3 and I stay at home too. It is tough feeling so isolated and disconnected from the real, adult world. What works for me... finding a good Mom's morning out program, even if all you can afford is 1 or 2 days a week. I try to take time for myself at night when my husband is home and a little on weekends. Teach your husband how to manage the kids alone. It will be worth the investment, if he is willing, of course. Do your best not to feel guilty when you leave them with hubby. He is a parent too, not a babysitter. (I remind myself of this often!) Get your hair done and go shopping (always mood boosters for me). Join a Moms group that has meetings in the evenings or Moms Night Out once a month. Network to find a good babysitter and schedule a date night with hubby twice a month. Just be honest with your husband about how you are feeling and tell him straight out ways he can help with kids and housework to relieve your stress. These are things I do and they have helped. It does get better as your children all reach toddler and preschool age. Hang in there! If you live in the Lexington area and want to get together for coffee, email me. I always welcome reasons to get out of the house too! --R., mother of 4, ____@____.com

One time I felt overwhelmingly the way you do. I had my husband take care of the kids for a weekend while I went to the primitive camp of a family member. I slept and slept, and did some sewing for myself. Within 24 hours it became apparent that I had a serious bladder infection. I wasn't a bad mother, which was how I had felt. I was just getting sick! I went home early, called the doctor, got medicine, and was back to normal.

Another thing I did that helped was to trade babysitting with another mother. One Wednesday, she would drive her daughter to my house. Then she would go home and wash the floor, or clean the bathroom, or sew. Sometimes she would have a doctors appointment. When she was ready, she came back and visited with me until it was time to go home and make supper. The next Wednesday, I drove my son and daughter to her house and had time for myself. The wonderful thing about it was that we each got some alone time AND some adult conversation on a regular basis. When life would get too crazy, we would stop for awhile, but we mostly did it for a couple of years. We started that 18 years ago. Our children are now 21 and 19 (two of them) and they are all still friends.

Hope you can find some relief. I feel for you. You do have a wonderful situation, with 3 children and a great husband. Remember that the kids grow up fast - too fast. Enjoy the good parts about whatever stage they are in. The difficult parts will change soon, so relax about them. A happy Mom means happy, secure children!

You have to truly make time for yourself IMPORTANT. It has to be important to you and to your family. It can be as simple as taking a walk regularly or joining a gym and actually going. But, you have to be the one to make it a priority.

Our church offers a Gratis Gran night where we have free grandparents from 6-9 and we do this once a month. It is a great free time to go out have a nice kid free dinner. I just wish I could convince him to stay home and .... well you get the idea.

Good luck to you. I know it can be frustrating to feel like your hubby doesn't care or listen but, you might not be making it clear to him that you REALLY need a specific time that you know is yours and yours alone.

I do completely understand where you are coming from. I have 2 stepdaughters 13 & 11 and 18 mos old twins. I know for myself, it wasnt so much that I needed to be away from them but just that i needed to see the outside world. There were many months that I didnt see outside only once a week to get groceries. I don't like leaving my children with anyone except family and my husband works sometimes 60 hours a week.
Sometimes I would drive until the babies fell asleep and then go through the drive thru so that I could actually eat in peace, with tow little ones there isnt much time to eat & I am sure you know what i mean :-). That sounds strange, but it was my few minutes to myself. I had the babies with me (asleep in the back) and I'd tootle around and just look. For me it accomplished these things: eating, a moment for me, and I didnt have to worry about who was keeping them since they were asleep with me. Now they know too well what the drive thru is and this no longer works for me-lol.
In your case, your babies schedules maybe different, but how about leaving the kids with your husband once everyone is in bed (if you still have energy)? No there won't be anything to do that time of night, but you will get out of the house and your kids with be safe at home with daddy. I too have a husband that isnt confident in keeping the twins, and i am ok with that and he does what I ask him to inorder to help me withthem when he is around. For me he doesnt have to be superdad, as long as he is willing to try to do the things I ask. He is a typical country boy, and he works hard. I can't do his job and he can't do mine. I guess the bottom line is look for creative ways that will give you a moment to just breathe. If he can help GREAT! If he isnt really good with the kids, then try a different avenue. Just keep at it until you find what works for you & your family. My way may sound crazy to most, but I am still a happy mom-lol
I do think a moms group like others suggested would be great.
All this to say basically this: do what it takes for you to survive and keep your family happy & you happy.
The best of luck to you!

Find a good babysitter or swap sitting time with another Mom!

Girl, you got to get out of that house! Take them to the park with your mom or a friend who will help keep an eye out for them. Another thing, get a babysitter for a night and have some time with your husband and don't do chores. Have your fun and then GET SOME SLEEP! If possible, take the kids to go to grandma's house for the night. If she can't take all three, split them up between two people. I promise you will feel much better.

Join a MOPS group! www.mops.org I can't begin to tell you how much I have gotten out of my group! It will give you a few hours once or twice a month to talk to Moms who know what your going through and totally relate. Your kiddos get a few hours of fun with other children and will totally love it.

If its possible, the best thing I did when my boys were one and two was I hired a babysitter to come play with them twice a week for 3 hours each. It gave me time to run errands, have some quiet time to myself and honestly sometimes I just napped. I scheduled it for Monday and Thursday in the afternoons so the boys would have happy and fed. All she had to do was play with them and give a small snack. It was the best $40 I spent each week.

Girl we have all soooo been there. Good for you they do grow up. Hang in there.
I posted an add at a local womens college for someone to help out. Maybe that will help. look at web sites in the section for careers and interships. Some need hours either at a daycare or in childcare of some sort for school...
Maybe they can help out some with your husband there... ( but only the ugly ones)!!!
*mommy of two a two year old and a seven month old...
Missy

Your husband not being able to handle 3 kids alone is not an option. That is unfair to you and he is just going to have to handle them while you have "you-time". If you don't then you will go insane! I have 3 kids who I stay at home with and if I don't get me time every once in a while then I gradually become a impatient run-down mom. My kids appreciate me more when I've had time to myself and my husband does too and it helps our relationship as well because I don't become resentful towards him for being with the children 24 hours a day. I have a 3 year old, 4 month old and a 8 year old stepson. I understand where you are coming from and you have to lay it on the line for your husband how important it is for you as a mother, wife and person to have alone time. Just a few hours will do you wonders. Good luck!

Hi, I'm a 35 SAHM of a 3 and 1 yr old. I know your desire. I started going to an exercise, pilates, class last week at 6pm. It ends after bedtime! My husband said, "oh...what do I do w/o you?" I said, "The same I do w/o you." He travels a bit so I find myself alone for a week from time to time. If they are overwhelmed by the kids then they will start to understand a bit of what we go through. This was the only way I could find time alone that was scheduled each week. Your husband will survive and the kids may learn to see him as a providers, too.
I'll be thinking of you! N.

I totally understand.I feel the same way alot of times.
my kids are in bed at 7 and 8 pm and after that till midnight I have me time. I do what ever it is I want to do, watch a movie, play video games do a puzzle what ever.
recently my mom took our kids for the weekend. that was wonderful. mine are 5 yrs and 2 yrs.

I CRAVE 24 hours alone!! Or 2 hours for that matter. I only have one child (13 month old daughter) but have another on the way and I am already fearing that I will never leave the house again!! It is hard for people to understand just how difficult it is to deal with a child, or 3, all day long with no break, and not much help. As much as you love them it really does just wear you down because you have not one moment to yourself EVER and every task from taking them in and out of the car seat, to 3 meals a day, naptime and bedtime..... it i mentally draining. I know what you mean about your husband not understanding the diffuculty. Mine doesn't get it either. He's a great dad and so supportive but they seem to get to do all the fun, easy stuff so they don't truly see what hard work it is. You say he can't handle them on his own, which is probably true :) but my only advice would be to just throw him in there!!! One thing I enjoy is getting a manicure/pedicure or a facial every couple of months - it's only an hour so your husband won't have to handle them for too long, and just that one hour of pampering feels like you've spent an entire day on yourself.

C., I can certainly understand your frustration. However, be thankful that you are able to stay at home with your children. I work full time and have 2 year old. I am envious of mothers who are able to spend all day with their children.

I have twin babies (just turned one) and it does get hard sometimes. I dont know if I could do 24 hours alone, but a few hours is nice. In the beginning I thought my husband couldnt handle the kids, but one day I just walked out and went to the mall and hoped for the best. Guess what I found when I got home? A husband that survived and 2 happy kids. Try leaving hubby at home for a short time (30 min) and keep increasing it. You do need a break...you deserve one.

Do you have a reliable babysitter that can come in for a few hours to give you some time out of the house? How about a friend or family member one evening a month so you (or you and your husband) can "escape" for a few hours. When I was in the 6th grade I had a neighbor who would have me come over for 2 hours every other afternoon and "babysit". She would be home, but I would watch the children while she had some "free time" to realx in a bubble bath, relax (close herself in her room and watch a show), do some laundry, start dinner or do housework or whatever she needed (or wanted) to get done without having her children at her feet wanting her attention every minute. She was there if I needed her and it gave me some experience at babysitting and less stress on her. Some days she would just go for a walk alone! She paid me just a few dollars a day, but at that age it was a lot of money LOL. I know how hard it is to even have time to use the bathroom when you have little ones who want you 24/7. Hope this helps you out a bit. Good Luck!

Sounds like you need a little pampering. I do remember those days when I had 2 young children. I looked forward to going to work. They weren't bad, I just needed some grown up time. Maybe you can find a friend or another couple who you can bartar some alone time with: They keep your children for a couple of hours while you go out to dinner or whatever and then you turn around and return the favor and watch their's for a couple of hours. No money involved just give each other a break. Can your husband watch 2 of them at a time and maybe you take turns going out with one of them when you need to?? This way one of them will get your undivided attention and you can get somethings done out of the house. Just a thought.
Sidenote: I would love to give you a little bit of pampering (my home based business) if you are interested. Email me privately.

Do you think your husband can't handle the kids b/c he may get more stressed and freaked out than you do? Guys are gonna be clueless of what to do at first when the baby is screaming his/her head off b/c he's not on a schedule..most importantly he's not on the USUAL schedule that the kids are use to being on.So if you try to leave and it's almost the babies nap time or time to change the diaper it's likely that he will have no idea why the baby is going nuts..but just like mothers have to,daddy will eventually figure it out.Moral of the story...hubby could watch the youngins for a few hours while you go unwind at salon gettin a pedicure or a facial,then your good to go for another six months with no sleep :) As for adult time me and my husband also get stressed out when we aren't getting regular together time to boost each other back up so we find SOME peace in having both my 4 yr old and my 1 yr old in bed by 8:00pm. I know it sounds early..especially since it's still light out at that time,but it atleast gives us a few hours to sit and watch tv or talk..or whatever to be adults. Just a couple of hours ago me my husband,my 4 yr old and my 1 yr old were doing the last tax free day crunch for school clothes...we had no a/c in the car and the baby decided to get cranky in goodies..and half way home. A quick stop to mcdonalds and we couldnt wait to get home! I layed the baby in the crib and got the 4 yr old eating in his room and I took a minute to gain my sanity back. Just take any moment you can get to relax and let other things that can wait....wait.gl

Well I know for sure you're not alone!! I'm a mother of 3 also and a stay at home mom. The one thing I do to get a little time to my self is to shop late at night. My husband comes home from work around 10pm and after he showers and gets dinner I get ready and go. My oldest 2 are in the bed and the youngest is happy spending a little time alone w/daddy. Then I get to go to walmart or where ever and just take my time shopping w/o the kids OR the husband..lol. Maybe you could try it sometimes even if you just take 30mins to go get a cup of decaf coffee and drink it as you drive slowly home:) Good luck