A Parenting Partner?

I really don't have a response. My husband some days is a better 'mom'
than I am. I TOTALLY lucked out with him.

When I see this stuff happen I feel bad for the dad. They are missing out on THE most amazing people he'll EVER meet and he helped MAKE them! Clueless people make me sad...

I'd "disappear" and have him step up, tired or not.

My husband gets home from work at 1:30 am and gets up before 6:30 am when I have to go to work. He NEVER complains and is always cheerful when my son goes and wakes him up. I have NO IDEA how he does it. My guess is that he gets the energy from my son? Lord knows if I had to do what he does I'd have a nervous breakdown.

I know that feeling all too well honey! I'm in the exact same boat right now and have been for a few years now. I try to get him to do something about it but he always ends up back to doing what he was before. I am so tired of always trying to make it work just to end up back at the beginning again. Mine doesn't know it yet but we be separating very soon...

You could try being very specific in your requests. Men don't typically react well to vague requests like "help more" or "be more involved". Try saying "I'm going to be gone for three hours, please take the kids to the park, then feed them lunch, then put them down for their naps, see ya later".

I was in a marriage where I was feeling similar feelings. I tried alone, and with a counselor's help, to get him to understand that I felt like I did not have a "partner" in parenting. I wish I could say I found a great way to solve the problem. What I ended up doing, for a long list of reasons, was divorcing him and setting up a 50/50 co-parenting arrangement. Now he cleans his house (mostly), does laundry, cooks, and is an equal parenting partner...

I was reading a book about how to raise boys and the author pointed out that the Dad's role in a child's life is different than a mom. His job is more of playmate and role model where a mother is more of a nurturer and caretaker.

I guess my point is, that I helped them to find a way to connect. I really had to spell it out to him, that his job in the family was to teach them how to do things. Teach them how to control their frustration and anger. Teach them how to build a sand castle. Teach them how to swing by themselves. Teach them how to swim. My job is to make sure they have food in their bellies, clean butts and faces, and they aren't doing something dangerous. His job is to teach them what they need to know.

It was like a light bulb went on for him. He has a role, a job, and it's important. When I ask him to do things I put it within his job description and suddenly he is willing to help.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

You both have full time jobs, just different ones. For you a break would be away from the kids, for him a break would be away from work. So switch out by taking it upon yourself to leave him with the kids and take your break. He has a lunch time and vacation, you should too! Tell him you are going on a kid vacation - that way you answer his question as to "what do you want me to do about it"...he wants you to TELL him what his role is, so do it.

While I'm not a SAHM, I've had to 'put my husband in check' a few times. I don't just 'mention' it to him. I tell him exactly what I want and when.

Well, he did ask what you wanted him to do, I if I were you, I would give him a list. Like a chore list, divide up the household chores, so he has to do some of them too. Also, you should get at least a night a week to go out alone and do something - even just the grocery shopping alone, or go to a book club, a bible study, a craft group, the library! Anything alone.

Demand a break - he gets lunch breaks and bathroom breaks alone at work, and gets weekends off from his "job" - you need some time saway from your work too!

I always think it is strange how what the younger generation sees as a problem, we, in the older generation, see it as our roles. I was a stay at home mom until my kids got into school. My husband went out to work, I stayed home and took care of the house and the kids. I don't think my husband ever changed a diaper. When our sons grew up and their stay at home wives complained about them not doing house work, I didn't understand it. I was impressed that they changed diapers, bathed and fed the babies. If both parents are working then yes, all household chores should be shared. It is kind of a give and take. Thing is, I see a lot less happiness in women who don't see it this way then I did back in the 80's when I raised my kids. We loved having them go out and work and our taking care of the house and going to visit with friends, letting our children play together. The men seemed a lot happier also. That doesn't mean that every couple was totally happy all the time, that is not going to happen, but we did have a good balance of good times to get us through the bad times.

What might help you feel he is doing more with the kids is take time for yourself and leave him home to bond with his children. Go shopping with a friend, go out to lunch or even a movie. Make sure you plan some family activities, going to the park, on a hike, to a museum. We lost our son 3 days before his 23rd birthday last summer. Those times we went camping or on a short trip together is memories that are worth more then gold.

Children who grow up in a home with a 'good provider' who basically ignores them, learn to feel as though the are totally unimportant. This is especially true for daughters, if their dad doesn't treat them as though they are important and have value they will believe that they are unimportant and have no value. They will go through a series of failed relationships because they are treated as though they are not worth it.
I recommend counseling for your husband, maybe couples counseling. He needs to WAKE UP and realize what he is missing.

I'm with you! I worked for 3 years after we had our first, and my husband and I actually shared roles: I took our son to daycare, but then when we got home, one prepared dinner and the other played with son. We shared inside chores, grocery shopping, doc apts, and outside chores. It was good. When we moved from WA to MN, I stayed home to raise #1, 2, and now 3, and I'm feeling like I'm slowly taking on all the household chores! Some of it, for me, at least, is about appreciation, some is about contribution, and some is about communication. Example: When Husband gets home from work, is he supposed to a) work on dinner? b) pick up the house c) do "man chores"--things too big for me to do alone d) play with the kids, or e) spend some time talking to me, letting me talk to an adult, finally??? Of course, part of me says, um, I do ALL those things all day, at the same time! But, of course, that's because frankly, I'm better at the job I do than he is. That doesn't mean he's a bad dad, or an uninvolved dad, just that I have a lot more time to practice, and it's unfair of me to assume the same of him. Since GUARANTEEING me some down time invovles 100% participation with the kids, he sometimes gives up cleaning or cooking to give me down time--while he plays with the kids. That means dinner is a scramble and the house is a mess. And, honestly, I'd rather have him do something different every day--sometimes I need alone time when he gets home. Sometimes the house cleaning I've done during the day needs to be finished, by someone NOT ME. Sometimes I want someone to wrangle the kids in to doing chores. So, it's up to ME to communicate that, since my expectations of him change daily. The bottom line, though: when I was working, nobody was in our house all day. Nobody made breakfast or lunch there. Nobody baked cookies. Nobody came in the house muddy, took baths, changed their clothes in the living room, filled up the diaper pail, or collected backpacks by the back door. Our house was cleaner. We had more food and needed to shop less often, as we were home less and had fewer kids. What was there at the end of the day was very clear: walk in the door, make dinner, sit down, throw in a load of laundry, pick up the toys that were played with in the hour we were home, and go to bed. We weren't home much, we didn't see each other much, but it was organized. This is NOT organized, it's messy, it's sometimes ugly, but we're together as a family a lot more. And, very frequently, it takes arguing, discussion, and frustration to get to "good."

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I'm with you! I worked for 3 years after we had our first, and my husband and I actually shared roles: I took our son to daycare, but then when we got home, one prepared dinner and the other played with son. We shared inside chores, grocery shopping, doc apts, and outside chores. It was good. When we moved from WA to MN, I stayed home to raise #1, 2, and now 3, and I'm feeling like I'm slowly taking on all the household chores! Some of it, for me, at least, is about appreciation, some is about contribution, and some is about communication. Example: When Husband gets home from work, is he supposed to a) work on dinner? b) pick up the house c) do "man chores"--things too big for me to do alone d) play with the kids, or e) spend some time talking to me, letting me talk to an adult, finally??? Of course, part of me says, um, I do ALL those things all day, at the same time! But, of course, that's because frankly, I'm better at the job I do than he is. That doesn't mean he's a bad dad, or an uninvolved dad, just that I have a lot more time to practice, and it's unfair of me to assume the same of him. Since GUARANTEEING me some down time invovles 100% participation with the kids, he sometimes gives up cleaning or cooking to give me down time--while he plays with the kids. That means dinner is a scramble and the house is a mess. And, honestly, I'd rather have him do something different every day--sometimes I need alone time when he gets home. Sometimes the house cleaning I've done during the day needs to be finished, by someone NOT ME. Sometimes I want someone to wrangle the kids in to doing chores. So, it's up to ME to communicate that, since my expectations of him change daily. The bottom line, though: when I was working, nobody was in our house all day. Nobody made breakfast or lunch there. Nobody baked cookies. Nobody came in the house muddy, took baths, changed their clothes in the living room, filled up the diaper pail, or collected backpacks by the back door. Our house was cleaner. We had more food and needed to shop less often, as we were home less and had fewer kids. What was there at the end of the day was very clear: walk in the door, make dinner, sit down, throw in a load of laundry, pick up the toys that were played with in the hour we were home, and go to bed. We weren't home much, we didn't see each other much, but it was organized. This is NOT organized, it's messy, it's sometimes ugly, but we're together as a family a lot more. And, very frequently, it takes arguing, discussion, and frustration to get to "good."

Is not the same but sometimes I get frustrated when my husband gets back home on Fridays (we travels for work M-F) and he is so tired.
On my side I am also tired to be the house keeper and to take care of the kids and I am almost handing the kids as soon as he gets home.
I don't think we get 100% how much we do and how hard our jobs are, but we both get stress out, we both work very hard, we both are necessary in our family, and we both needed appreciation, and we need a break too.

I think you are helping him with the house budget (by babysitting), so I don't know why he wouldn't be ok to do some small stuff around the house too.

The kids is a whole different thing, it doesn't matter if he or you work a lot on your own, you still have to be part of your kids life, and is not a favor to your partner is an obligation very independent from your wife/husband.

If he doesn't get it, perhaps you should say that you are also back to work, so since you both are going to be working, you both are going to keep the house clean, you both are going to cook, and you both are going to take care of the kids, perhaps that way he gets more what are you doing.

I had a husband who was like this too...now he's my ex! My current husband works full time, does all the laundry, trash, dishes and anything else that needs to be done...I never have to ask him to do anything. I seems that you have "allowed" this to happen and now he probably thinks it acceptable. Maybe sit down and talk to him and see if you can compromise. If not, you will start to become very resentful and it's hard to come back after that. Good luck!!!

My husband loves children in general, so he's great with ours. I've noticed, however, that quite a few men aren't good with young children (or at least, that's the way they perceive it) so they aren't very involved. I think you can pray that as they grow older and are interested in things that he would also enjoy (sports, etc) that he'll take a more active role. You could try to plan activities and outings for all of you...and be grateful you get to stay at home! :)

Perhaps the two of you could take a parenting class together. I suspect he doesn't know what to do or how to do it. It might help for the two of you to talk together about how you wish to parent your children. Talk about what your expectations are for their behavior and involvement in chores as well as activiites in the home and outside. Talk about how you want to discipline. A parenting class could be a good way to get this conversation started.

There are many good books about parenting that also might help. One of my favorites is Discipline with Love and Logic by Foster Kline.

You could also try starting with asking him to do just one thing with/for the kids. Perhaps you could arrange for the swimming lessons and he could take them. Perhaps he could give the baths or read bedtime stories.

If he's had no experience with kids this age I'm sure he feels unable to do anything. 2 and 4 are young and don't have interests that he shares. Perhaps you could ask him to participate with you in an activity or two. Show him how to parent by example and not lecture.

It's good that he does participate by watching them play. That shows that he does have an interest in his children. He probably just doesn't know what to do and may be put off by your seeming expertise.

OhNO that described me back when I had a 4 yr old and a 2 year old i worked outside the house 3 days a week but It didn't feel like a break I did ALL the childcare and paid the bills and did the cleaning. If I left the kids with their dad I came home to a disaster, when it was his turn to pick up at preschool- always late! argg. I told him I thought when you get married you got a partner in life but I felt like I had 3 kids not 2. When I would ask him to take the kids to the park he would for 30 minutes and then come home b/c the park was "boring" really? the kids didn't think so. No matter how i asked he never stepped up, we are divorced. I resented the hell out of him b/c of the way he acted. Try NOT to get there if you love this man you need to do something now! It may be hard work but he needs to wake up and smell the coffee! lol!

ask him what he liked to do as a child and consult with his mom/dad if possible about what they did to involve themselves. if his father acted in the same manner, perhaps you should bring this up to him. there are plenty of dispondent children out there for examples of how you can lose your children to the poisons and toxic mentality due to apathy. ask him if he wants his children to trust him and confide in him when they are older. he will answer yes most likely. then remind him it starts now while they are developing bonds to those who show interest in them. if he isn't one of them he will be a non-person to them as they grow older. Basically, to them it would be." you didn't care about us then, why should i care about anything you say now?'" All the baubles and gew-gaws in the world won't replace the love that they desperately need from both parents. Who cares about the stuff he buys them with his money, they want their daddy more than toys. I have a void in my life that i am still trying to fill because i lacked a father in my life. he has a chance and he is blowing it. the consequences will last for a lifetime. if he insists on watching sports, he could teach them about the games he loves and that will be a new beginning for the kids. to get stuck in the mentality that his only contribution is financial is denial of his responsibilities as a leader and example. this will set the tone for the kids. we become our parents someday and he is responsible for his figure in father-figure. this confrontation will be difficult for him but it has to happen for the sake of the children's futures and their mental well-being. confidence is built by encouragement which comes from involvement. he loves his kids, they just need to see it everyday as he is a part(not apart) of their lives. I personaly suggest starting a natural garden(google Sepp Holzer or Fukaki for good advice on easy organic gardening) for the family. to learn about how and where food comes from and to see the result of your work will establish a bond between them and to the earth as well. I love my mother that much more for getting me started as a young child. thanks for reading, but now it is time for me to carry on my legacy and hit the garden. good luck and blessings to your family.

I feel the same way as you do. I have kids the same age as you. I am at my wits end with it as well. I have been starting to tell my husband that there are certain dates and times I will be gone. He is responsible for the kids and the house during that time. The house needs to look like it was or better than when I left. Though this is pretty much a joke. He can't watch his own children (or should I say be a parent to) and help keep the house cleans. It annoys me. I am hoping you get some good answers that I can take a peak at, because this isn't working for me either.