Raising My Boys to Become More Involved Fathers Some Day

This is tough. IMO, it has more to do with the "quality time" that a Father spends with his son than with showing them how to cook and clean. My Father In Law is much older (in his mid-70s) and is truly "old school." He told me that he never changed either of his son's diapers once, never bathed them, never cooked or cleaned -- this was "Woman's Work." However, my husband is one of the most involved Fathers of almost any family we know. I think it's because my FIL was an excellent role model about family values, respect, and the importance of spending time together as family. He always made it home every night to sit down and have dinner as a family. He always spent time dedicated to the family on the weekends. As the boys got older, he spent time teaching them skills to help them later in life (fixing a toilet, changing the oil on the car, etc.) as well as teaching them some of his favorite hobbies (fishing, camping, etc.)

If you were to hear my FIL talk, you would never believe that his son (my DH) could be such an equal partner for me across ALL the family tasks, chores and child-rearing. But it happened. Your boys are young right now, but it's time to find activities that Dad can do with the boys. Maybe the first step is turning of the tv for just an hour an evening and doing something together -- a walk outside or wrestling on the floor. Maybe your husband could think of something he likes doing in which he could include his sons to watch or participate. (Fly a kite? Bowling? Fixing the car?) Maybe it's simply watching the big game on tv together -- but talking to the boys about the rules and explaining what they are seeing. I don't know if any of this is helpful. I wish you the very best.

OMG.... he is old-fashioned isnt' he?
Whoa.

It is either a genuine role belief of his, or he is using it as an excuse.
And, he should not be guilt tripping you... he's not a child... he is a man. A grown-up with a family.
Sorry.

YOU just raise your boys... to be aware of doing these things. Anything you want to teach your kids, you can. Teach them how to do ANYTHING... and they will learn. YOU be the example for your sons. YOU talk to them and tell them that men AND women do things... your Husband just has his ways, but that is NOT the only way.... everyone is different... enlighten your boys.

For us, ( I have a boy & girl), we teach them both man and woman things. That they can do BOTH... it is NOT "gender" based. We teach my kids how to cook & clean.... and we teach them how to use a wrench and how to fix things in the house. It does NOT matter. We just teach them boy & girl things.

To get your boys involved as you say... just give them "chores." But explain that it is just about helping the family... being a TEAM, together with Mommy. That is what I do with my kids. And I praise them... not bribe them to do it. Just making it a part of life.

My Husband, can be sort of old-fashioned too... he jokes and tells me "nowadays men have to put their own dishes in the sink after eating... before the woman would do it and smile about it..." BUT... in FRONT of my kids, I say "yes that's right honey... but nowadays, Men ALSO can do it themselves.... and they know how to wash dishes too." And then my daughter will tell him "Daddy, its not hard, you can do it... Mommy does everything else...." Of course, we are joking about it, not making it an argument in front of the kids. But "I" have taught my kids all about duties in a family... and it is NOT gender based.

Tell your Hubby.. that he is "showing" your boys how to be a bump on a log... and not being a "Dad." Because, he is only doing nothing. Just nothing. And that is NOT what family is... in this world today.
He has to be a role model... not an Archie Bunker.

All the best,
Susan

I love the following book: "Raising a Modern-Day Knight - a Father's Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood" by Robert Lewis.

Males are very much geared to go out and "slay the dragons." They can be somewhat passive when it comes to the home. Males are called to be great leaders in their families but they have to be taught what that means.

IMHO young males will likely never "take" to housekeeping and child care chores the way girls might (of course there are always exceptions to this rule). But if they perceive the chores as part of their manly "calling" in caring for their families it may help.

Good luck - I struggle with this one too (house full of males!).

PS: This book is NOT about teaching boys how to do house chores. It is much broader in concept and has more to do with fathers and sons. It is written from a Christian pespective.

Love this question, I have 3 boys of my own!

First off, somehow need to express this to your husband so he can lead by example. Make "womanly work" part of your boys everyday chores. Don't just have them help with the trash and yard. They need to be washing dinner, helping will meals and laundry.

They can start now, even though they're little guys. I have twin 4 year olds and a six year old. When I'm doing laundry, they fold the wash clothes and socks and they help me put them away. When I do the dishes, I fill the sink and they pre-wash them before I put them in the dishwasher. Each night they wipe the table with a damp rag, sweep the floor with a hand broom and dust pan. They also vacuum with a hand vac and help me set the table and help me with age appropriate parts of preparing the meals. Sometimes I have to re-do some of these things, but they're getting better at it, practice makes perfect.

I feel like if they get into the routine of doing this, when they get older and get a family, they'll be inclined to help out with these chores. As they get older I'll explain to them how a marriage is a partnership and there are no male female chores. If something needs to be done, do it.

Not assigning gender to toys may also help. I'm not gonna go out and buy my boys a baby doll, but they do have a play kitchen and vacuum, which they love.

Once you get several posts, have your husband read them, I'm curious to hear how he responds . . .

Make sure your boys get involved in the household chores. The older boy, for example, can help with setting the table and you can give the younger one simple jobs (put the napkins on the table, etc.). My husband's father was really bad when it came to women's work vs. men's work. He was out of work for 15 years yet still sat at the table and yelled "Alice! Coffee!!" every morning even after they were retired! He couldn't even make himself toast or cereal and didn't even know how much sugar he took in his coffee. I know my husband and his two brothers were made to help their mother with everything and wait on their father, too, so maybe that's the answer. Who knows? All I know is that my husband comes home from work and immediately jumps in changing diapers, reading stories, washing bottles and sometimes, depending on my day, even making dinner. He is certainly a hit with my mom who complains that my dad changed less than half a dozen diapers in his lifetime and they had five kids!

Oh my goodness. My husband was raise in the same era. However, he still does his share. He doesn't like messes.

My husband's mother made him help around the house (I know that doesn't help you right now) and he vacuums, does dishes, cooks a couple times a week, and always changes the litter boxes. I have all boys and I'm sure it helps for them to see their father work, but we've had a few moments where I've had to put my foot down. For instance, I told my then 13-yr.-old (he's 15 now) to go clean the bathroom (the one all the kids use). He didn't want to do it, because it was a "girl's chore". WHOA! Back it up, son. For starters, being the only female in the house I am not going to be doing everything.

I told him I didn't mind if he didn't like doing it, but he was not to differentiate a chore by gender. Then I told him to get his heiny in there or he was grounded. My husband thought I was being a bit harsh, but it came down to respect for our home. We all live in it, we all participate in keeping it up. Period.

Maybe, you could give your husband the option of a) he helps and you'll make him a better lunch OR breakfast (not both) or b) you hire a cleaning service freeing you up for more food prep time.

If he's like my husband he hates to pay for things he doesn't consider a necessity.

Also, back when he was raised, the whole schooling issue was much easier to deal with. The parents didn't need to run children to and from preschool and gym, swimming, sports, etc.... Things have changed and more things are involved. Some things are easier (love the microwave), but seriously the whole school thing is much more involved. Back when your husband was a tyke, they didn't do preschool (or it was an optional type thing) now days, they pretty much need it.

Good luck, I know it can be frustrating. Bless you for not doing the whole whining about how horrible your husband is, you accept him for who he is and are just trying to find ways to teach your sons. That is very refreshing to hear.

You're going to have to work twice as hard because they see him doing the opposite as what you want them to do as adults and his actions speak much louder than any words you tell them.
I would start by having them help do things that you do... have them help you with the laundry, dishes, etc. I bet your husbands mom never had your husband do any inside chores... when we were younger, boys didn't do those things, they worked outside mowing the grass, feeding animals, etc. As they get older, explain to them that its important that they help out around the house.
Another thought as they get a little older, is getting a very part time job... just enough to allow them to see the roles reversing and know that it's ok. If you aren't home, Dad will have to change a diaper at least... although I am sure the dishes, crumbs, etc. can wait for you to get home!

You need to talk to your husband openly about your concerns about the example he is setting for his children. If he thinks it is your job to cater to his every whim, maybe you should think about doing something to force him to take more responsibility. I noticed my husband taking me for granted and I also have 2 boys. Well, I took a part time job that allowed me to be home with my boys the majority of the day, and I worked nights and weekends forcing my husband to take up the torch at home. I am now back to being a stay at home mom, but my husband has REALLY stepped up. I told him when I stopped working that things would not go back to how they were, that I was a mother, not a maid, and he has really improved, and he now makes sure the boys also help with all the house work, stressing to them that we all live in the house, we all make the messes, and it is ALL of our responsibility to clean it, not just mom. It sounds like your husband could benefit from a does of that same reality. Could you maybe get away for a few days so he can experience all you have to do? Or maybe you could find a night class in your area? I have found that men treat us how we teach them to treat us. I allowed mine to treat me like a door mat, so he did. Only when I demanded more did I get it, and I was surprised to find that he was happy to give more, and couldn't understand why I had not spoken up years ago!

I know you don't want to get in a knock down drag out fight with your man, but kids learn from example. Have a heart to heart with your husband with these exact reasons - you want them to know there is more to being a man. I find that my husband just needs me to ask him to do it - sure he'll flip some attitude every once in a while. But it is what it is. Perhaps assign specific duties - like helping the boys set the table for dinner and clearning the table.

I can see how this could be an issue. First, actually I would talk with my husband about the issue in a frank discussion. What is the saying...the sins of the father are doomed to repeat on the son? This is a cycle that will be observed by the boys and probably repeated unless the father takes some initiave and gets involved. Let's face it, no matter how great your husband/marriage is, the father will 9 times ouf of ten play a backseat to the mother. The mother will always be the primary caregiver of all things - kids, house, etc. Like my hubby - changing daughters diaper and daughter not co-operating. Hubby calls me...why me? I can't do anything different than him, so just wing it I tell him. I think it is important for hubby to understand what he portrays to his sons by not really being involved. My dad was this way, and of course we love each other but we do not have a close relationship and a lot of that is exactly for the reason you listed above. I told my husband when we decided to have a baby that it takes 2 to make the baby and it takes 2 to raise it...not 1 or 1 1/2 so if we're going to do this, then you need to be ALL IN. I am thankful to say that he is a wonderful father and my daughter loves to be with him and have her special 'daddy things' that they do. Talk to your hubby and just explain how important it is to you and to your boy's futures. Good luck!

I didn't read the other responses but it seems your husband is the one to teach or better yet show your sons what being an involved, husband and Father really means. If Life is just going on around your husband while he watches TV until bedtime he is missing a lot. No one enjoys changing diapers and doing dishes but there are a lot of bonding moments he is missing while you do the work. My girls relationship with their Dad stems from him being there for them through the fun stuff and the drudgery. I stay home with them so I expect to do most of the housework but I cannot imagine him not reading stories, giving baths or changing a diaper now and then. Maybe have a heart to heart with your husband and help him figure out why wtaching TV would take precedent over spending time with his family. The baby stage doesn't last long and you can never go back and do it again, connections made during early childhood are so important later in life. If you can convince him his relationship with his boys and you will be stronger & happier your sons will have a better example of and involved Dad. It seems like an uphill battle trying to teach your boys to be involved family men while your husband sits on the couch.

This sounds like my husband. I curse that TV, it is on and blaring and I'm lucky when I can get him to turn it off for dinner.

When you are a SAHM, you don't get a lunch break or any other down time to refresh yourself. Heck, I don't even get to pee in peace...

I have given up the fight with my husband about helping around the house. I refuse to do his laundry, he is way too picky about what temp, etc. and does some crazy mini loads. I'm about getting it done the most efficient way. He mows the lawn, but I'd probably be doing that if I weren't so allergic to the grass.

To teach my kids, I just let them help and now my daughter almost 5, has a few chores. She folds socks, sets the table and picks up about half of the toys. My son, 2, picks up toys. Both like to help in the kitchen when there is mixing to do. If something needs to be coated in flour, put it all in a bag and do the old shake and bake bit. Teach the kids to cook and continue to do this, at least when they grow up, they may like to do it since they know how. Have them help with laundry. My kids love to put clothes in the washer or dryer. I think the more you teach them to do now, they will have those skills later.

My daughter hates to clean up toys. She acts as if it is killing her. If she refuses, I take a garbage bag around and pick them up. All it takes is a few toys in the bag before she will reluctantly help. It is a constant battle, but one I find necessary.

I can't change my husband, but I can work on my kids. If they have the skills, then maybe they will do better as adults.

You might talk to hubby about the kids are 50% his and so is the house. Set up cards with all the chores that need to be done and put them in piles like Supernanny does to show division of chores and then see if hubby will be willing to balance your load a bit. it hasn't worked for me, so don't hold your breath, but....
Good luck to you.
D.

I don't think that there is a tried-and-proven way to raise your boys to become involved fathers one day; it will probably all be up to them how much they liked the way they grew up. My husband's father worked a lot, and when he wasn't at work he spent his time at the gold course. My husband himself couldn't be a more involved father; he is actually the primary care provider for our daughter and has been since she's 5 months old while I work full-time. Even before we had kids he kept telling me how much he hated growing up with an absent father and that he wants to be involved in his kids' lives and upbringing. Probably experience is the best teacher there.

Honestly, the father is really the one who sets the precedent and example for your boys. Your husband will teach your boys what it means to be a man. It seems no matter how loving and attentive the mothers are, if the father is constantly present but doesn't teach his sons to be responsible, the sons don't learn how to be proper men.

My dad didn't show my mom affection in front of us kids, and he was a passive parent (he came home from work, read the newspaper, watched TV, and that was IT. As a result, my brothers are socially repressed, and were never shown how to properly love (they are both in their 30s, and single, tho highly attractive and good money-earners). It's very sad.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down with your husband and have a very good talk with him. Don't accuse him, don't tell him everything he's doing wrong. Ask him what he believes his job is, etc. Then very gently tell him exactly what you told us here, but praise the things he DOES do. Then tell him that he's a wonderful man, and that you want your children to learn that about him, but the only way to do that is for him to be more involved. Tell him the consequences that can come about from fathers who aren't involved in the raising of their family, and tell him how you're scared about those consequences and want him to help you do everything possible not to allow that to happen...

There are a lot of good books out there about fatherhood - perhaps you can find one that gels with your approach to parenting and ask him to read it.

It IS possible to raise boys to be good men with only the mother doing the teaching, but that's usually when the father isn't present on a day-to-day basis, or present enough to be a great influence :(

I wish I had better advice :( The only other advice I have is to make it to where they are constantly around another male who is a good influence in that respect, but unless it's family, it would just end up causing a lot of scandal, and may make your husband feel insecure or angry.

Cub scouts?

Personally I think that there should be a division of labor (if you're a sahm). However, I do think that men should be highly involved with raising the children.

In my house I do all of the house-hold chores and daytime parenting while my husband goes to work and earns an income. When he gets home he usually spends 30-60minutes alone winding down and then he comes in and plays with the children. He never helps with housework (unless I ask something specific), but he does spend time interacting with the kids.

If you set it up like, "I know you're tired when you get home, how about every day you take 45 minutes to yourself to relax", I have a feeling that he'll be much more likely to give his time back to the family. Give him direct tasks for interacting with your kids like, "honey, will you play legos with the kids while I make dinner?" Men do best when given direct instruction or a set, daily responsibility.

Good luck!

Hi S.,
This is suggestion for (way) later, but in my house growing up (starting when we were in high school), both my brother and I were responsible for cooking one meal per week. My mom cooked one and my dad the other. That was four nights a week we all sat down together for a meal and the cooking responsibility wasn't all on my mother, who was a teacher and worked (alot!). Then there were those random nights where we had school functions, meetings, etc., just ate leftovers or went out. She would ask us what we wanted to cook and then she'd do the shopping for the week. It was often really easy things like sloppy joes, pasta with veggies and alfredo, fajitas, stroganoff, etc. (and she did help us). But it got us BOTH involved in the kitchen and now my brother has an interest in cooking and is good at it! (I wish I could say the same for my hubby, who only cooks pancakes and french toast!) Also, the person who cooked dinner didn't have to do any of the cleanup afterwards. Everyone else helped load the dishwasher on that night.

Another thing my mom did was made us all responsible for doing our own laundry. We started doing this probably in junior high. She just got fed up with us complaining about having dirty clothes, wrinkles, etc. So, she gave my brother and I a lesson on how to use the washer/dryer and that was that. If we wanted clean clothes to wear, we had to do it ourselves!

My brother now has two kids and is very involved in the household chores and did his share when they were babies in ALL aspects (diapers, feeding, bathing, putting to bed). I think alot had to do with the expectations my mother set into place around our house.

Oooh, tough one! LOL although it would be better if your husband would jump on board, he probably wont! I struggle with the same issue as well. I tell my older son that it takes a whole family working as a team to have happy house. And although dad leaves and works an 8 hr day, that mom never punches out. I dont get sick days, holidays, weekends off or vacation!! Its hard, but try to just teach them that the job of running a home is very hard and even stay at home moms need help, and should get it. As they get older if its not sinking in, take a "day off" and let them see just how hard you work, and that helping is vital. A day or two without a cooked meal or clean clothes may wake them all up a little!

I'm sorry, but I think that the change has to come from your husband. Have you talked to him about the way you feel? About how you feel about your boys? Instead of telling him that he's not doing enough to help you, maybe you can start getting him to see all the things that he's missing out on with his kids. Maybe he would be receptive to the argument that he probably wishes his dad had been more involved with him as a kid.

It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing. Maybe you start by having him turn off the TV one night/week and just play with the boys (not the unpleasant parts of parenting). Or have him pick out a weekend activity that they can all do together without you around.

I don't know your husband or situation obviously, but there's a reason the line "do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work. Good luck.

You must be exhausted. My husband knows that he must really love us. That is the command of Christ, that the husband LOVE the wife as Christ loved the church. So what does that mean? It means the measure of love is that the husband is serving, he is willing to pour himself out for his wife, even unto death, if that is needed. How do you know if a man loves his wife and family? I heard another man say it it by how he lives for them, and not how he lives for himself. Children really do learn by what is modeled for them. I suggest that your family get some counseling, and hang out with other Christian families, who's dads are more involved, so your boys can see this behavior modeled for them. What they see they will do.

There has been a lot of good advice given already. Like Stephanie P., I've seen husbands who had fathers who showed no interest in raising them, and yet they grew up to be involved fathers. It will depend a LOT on the boys' personalities to begin with. A lot of people (male or female) see what their parents did and just follow blindly without questioning. It's like a habit they form. If son sees father doing no chores, he won't do anything either. But there are exceptions. My husband and I both saw things in our families while growing up, that we consciously try to avoid now we're parents. (At the same time, we emulate the good that we saw.) Other relatives we know don't do that. So first, you should encourage your sons to think independently, to distinguish right from wrong even in their own parents' behavior. You should encourage them to nurture good family values too (while not forcing them to think exactly like you do).

Second is your husband. As others have said, he's going to set the example more than you can. I do NOT recommend therapy. I've never known anyone who was helped by therapy. If he has it in him to change, all that's needed is for you to talk to him in the right spirit. He doesn't have a behavioral problem that needs treatment. He just was never shown the right way (judging by what you say about his dad). Have a good talk with him. Tell him it hurts your feelings and you believe a father should be more involved in his children's lives. Get a vacation for yourself and let him watch over the house once in a while. You deserve it, anyway. Don't you ever have a night out with your friends?

Third, is another male influence. Like a grandfather or uncle. But this seems unlikely from what you say.

Fourth, get close to your boys. The closer you are to them, the easier it is to get them to listen to you. If you are a good, watchful but not overbearing parent, it's more likely they will welcome your advice. Get them involved in the house chores. Make it fun. Explain to them why it is good to know these things. For example, you can tell them that being able to do chores by yourself makes you independent and self-reliant... as a man should be. (Who's going to do their chores if they live on their own and aren't married?) Make them feel good about being clean and well-groomed. Have fun with them when cooking and baking. Praise them well for this. It appeals to both the "male ego" and to a child's need for love and attention. When the boys do their chores well, treat them to a movie, a visit to the zoo or something fun.

This makes me wonder about those couples who aren't yet married. My advice to them is to clarify the issue BEFORE getting married. My husband and I knew from the start we were going to help each other in everything - chores, kids, home, work. If anyone is reading this who is still dating or engaged, talk about these issues now. It will save you a lot of trouble and frustration later on!

Good luck! Keep us updated.

Your husband and his father are really throwbacks. My father who would be over 90 if he were alive changed diapers, cooked breakfast for us every day.
Taught me how to cook 8 different breakfast menus and make coffee.
He never did clean up the house but he took us fishing, walked the beach with us and had philosphical talks with us very often.
He is also the one responsible for why I speak 5 languages.
The father of my children did homework with them. He cooked two evening meals a week. And, at my insistence we had family clean up nights. The children, he and I did it once a week together. He held a full time job and folded laundry.
Buy your sons dolls to play with. My grandson had a very special baby doll and when he got older he wanted a Barbie. He kept the Barbie hidden but other boys who found it talked about their Barbie's too. They dressed them and played house with them.
Your husband needs to go to therapy. He is out of step with his generation and really rather abusive to you.
If he's too lazy to do the job of raising a family and leaves you to do it alone there will surely be a divorce.

I have this conversation with my mother all the time. She's always commenting on how great of a father/husband mine is and how she wishes my father was better about doing things around the house.

Honestly, I put a lot of the blame on her for letting that be the house rules all those years. My Mom stayed at home with us, and my dad is a brilliant work-a-holic. He wans't lazy by any means, but he leaves his plates on the table, doesn't do laundry, not sure if he knows how to operate a vacuum cleaner (despite having a PhD).

It won't be an option for our kids to help around the house, and I'm lucky my husband sets a good example. We split the chores evenly based upon what we don't mind doing and what we're good at (my husband is NOT good at folding laundry). But, he takes the trash out each week, does a lot of the vacuuming, cleans the bathrooms, etc.

I think if you teach your sons to be conscientious about their surroundings and other people, they'll know the difference between right and wrong.

I was laid off for 12 weeks last summer. I couldn't wait for my husband to get home to help relieve me from the kids (I've always been a working Mom). It's easy to forget that they've been working all day, too, and caring for kids/house after normal business hours needs to be shared evenly.

Give your sons chores, teach them to hold doors open for other people (men and women), to be good neighbors, and I think you'll be fine. As much as I learned from my Mom that's positive, I also learned a lot of who I didn't want to be - life's lessons come in many varieties!