8 1/2 Year Old Has Anger Issues

I will recommend a couple books for you to ponder, both of which have helped me with an aggression problem with both of my children. Siblings Without Rivalry is great, http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-T... you may find that many of the aggression issues stem from his familial relationships, particularly those with his brothers. Second book is Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. http://www.amazon.com/Connection-Parenting-Through-Instea... What a life-changing book. I find it difficult to practice these ideas 100%, but any effort helps, and the kids really respond to the effort you make to understand how they are feeling.

I hope you find the help that you need!
J.

I would just caution that if you do see a psychiatrist, don't dive into medications right away. The long term effects have not been studied in children. (I am not saying they don't serve their purpose when needed, but I do think they are prescribed too often.) We have used homeopathic remedies to help with mood, and diet as someone else mentioned. It has helped tremendously. We almost sought a psychiatrist, but wanted to try a few natural remedies first. It couldn't hurt and if that didn't work then we would try something else. Good luck!

I think a weekend away man to man, would be great! This is when they need that. A lot could be his way of dealing with stress. Also look up ADHD. I always knew that it was real, that children could have this. I just thought it seemed to wide spread. My son was doing okay, but he was angry all the time! It was stressing my husband and I out and I didn't know it, but putting a strain on our ability to agree on disipline. I finally came to terms with his behavior and he was finally diagnosed ADD. Look it up and see if it seems like your son. I never told the teacher, we did it through our doctor and she sent us to a psycologist. What a world of difference. I feel like my son can now function. He still get's angry, but the learning moments with him finally work. He is on Strattera. I could cry to think of how he used to be, if you have any question, feel free to contact me.

Seeking professional help is never a bad idea. I think that you need (or need somebody else to) dig deeper into the actual issue rather than punishing the behavior. Anger is rarely a personality trait on its own, there is usually something that needs to be resolved. The sooner you get him in to treatment, the better he will learn how to deal with it!

~L.

Hi A., my son who is now 14 went through some anger mgt issues at about that age. I would recommend taking him to a therapist. I did not do that, and we did get through it, however, he is now going through puberty, and although he isn't hitting people and etc, we are back to coaching him thru how to direct his anger and control it. (he got mad at his teacher last week and swore at her!!!!!!--SO NOT something that is normal for him to do, so I knew we were having some hormone/puberty issues) but my point is that if you have the coverage and or can afford the professional help, I would definately do it, it will have long time benefits for him. Good Luck!

My son, now 14 had issues with fighting for a bit. We talked to him about letting kids "reel" him in and talked with him about recognizing anger. What does his body do when he starts to get angry? He didn't know. We helped him think it thru - hands go into fists? throat feel tight? breathing get heavy?
Once he was able to see that and start to recognize these things, he has been able to do much better. It did take some time (he had 3 fights before we saw things getting better) but it does help to talk things thru.

We also included the school counselor with the talk.

Start there - I don't know if there are other issues or not - but talking with him seems to be a good place to start.

Good Luck from a mom who's been there!!

K.

Yes! I would because he might open up to someone other than family.

i HAVE A 9 YEAR WITH THE SAME PROBLEMS. I WOULD GO TO YOU PED. DOCTOR. iT COULD BE FROM SCHOOL, WHEN KIDS PICKED ON MY KID IT SHOW AT HOME. HE DOESN'Y KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HIS EMOTIONS.THAT'S MY STORY. SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.ALSO i'VE BEEN READING ABOUT KIDS MISSING SOMETHING IN THEIR DIET. FISH OIL. OMEGA 3 COMES FROM FISH. THE KIDS ARE NOT GETTING IT IN THIER DIETS. CAN MAKE THEM MOODY. THE BEST THING IS TO CALL YOUR DOCTOR.

My son is younger then yours, but he has had anger issues for years, and we couldn't figure out why. He has no reason to be angry. we have been seeing a counselor for a year, and he has severe ADHD, and is very oppositional. He is SO much better now. We have tried rewards, and what had worked the best is setting a timer for 10 minutes a day, just to play, read or do whatever it is he wants to do, without anyone else. It is not conditional, we do it even if he is having a bad day. We talked to him about his anger, and explained that his anger is like a truck without brakes, and if the truck can't use the brakes, what happens? So when he gets wound up, and starts getting angry we'll say "cameron- Brakes" usually he will say I don't need any brakes! But it helped him recognize when he was getting angry.
I don't know if I helped. My kids are more physical with each other then I like, that is for sure, but I can understand anger issues, and I also vote for the 'find a counselor'. It may be something we never even thought of.

My now 11 year old was suspended from school at 8 1/2 for hitting a kid. It sent us back hunting for a therapist after issues since 1st grade. His incidents were all school related so we thought it was just isolated. At home we did see some hyper sensitivity that seemed unhealthy. We finally found a good therapist for him. He'll tell you it didn't help at all, that he's just mature now! He's so much better off now regardless, and we understand him better. I would have your son evaluated. The costs are too high with zero tolerance for aggression in society. My son has a high IQ and has a lot of anxieties, not all related to school, but manifested there. The IQ is related for him, and mental health professionals are rarely trained to recognize the differences in typical behavior in gifted kids and pathology, so its important to know if thats a possibility for your son. Anyway, one woman said her son is accused of being babied and I got that opinion a lot as I tried to understand him. Tough love just didn't work. The behavior was coming from some other place than defiance. You can learn the best way to deal with his issues for him. Everyone is different. My son understands himself so much better from all the introspection. Warning, though, it took a while to find a good fit. The 1st therapist decided ADHD after several months (a ridiculous conclusion) and the 2nd seemed to have a formula for children his age and didn't seem to get he was an individual, and intelligent. I thought she spoke to him like a baby. The 3rd one was all they weren't. I can give you her name if you want. She's moved to Ann Arbor. It needs to be a good fit. I was in almost every session, btw. I thought he would open up more without me but he got very dramatic and stressed. Home is a safety, and in therapy, I was home. I would also suggest reading some books about boys and aggression. I was struck by the realization that society no longer accepts aggression at all, and that by nature, boys deal with aggression, so they are often truly shamed by their feelings. Boys are somewhat feminized these days. Its a trick to balance the good citizen with the male psyche. Thats one reason sports and martial arts are so effective. Unfortunately, my son is a perfectionist and these type of activities can cause stress! Like I said, its a balance! Just remember he's who he is by nature as well as nurture. Oh, and look up the difference btw a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. Essentially, a psychiatrist can prescribe meds, and will. She did recommend meds after a while because he seemed to be depressed and it runs in my family. (She is a therapist so we had to see a Psychiatrist just for the scrip) After refusing for a while, we did try them with a bad result. She didn't press us at all to continue. Educate yourself as much as possible about mental health and kids. Good luck and be strong!

It can't hurt to seek a professional's opinion. The professional will be able to determine if your child needs that extra help or not. There must be something going on with him if he is that angry....and a lot of times kids are more comfortable talking with strangers than their own parents. I would go for it and good luck.

A.,

I would highly suggest that your husband take your son out for a father son weekend. I suggest a weekend (with just the two of them not the other boys) because if your husband and your son are away your husband will not be distracted by mowing the lawn, phone calls, work, you and your other kids and your 8 year old will have his dad all to himself for a whole weekend.

I think your son will think that is very special. My dad took me on a couple of father daughter trips, just the two of us and they are some of my very best memories I have from my childhood.

When you take a child out of their element to some place special with just one parent that child has 100% of their attention. When a child knows that you are a safe person and will listen to what they have to say they will talk and open up more than they would with their sibling around.
I would suggest that they spend the first day together, but not address the anger issues and then spend the second day together and later in the day after they have spent a good amount of time together have your husband just ask him why he is hitting and kicking and so angry all the time. And then just listen. He might have to ask more leading questions as 8 year old don't self analyze like adults can and do. Maybe it's something happening at school, some tv programs he's watching where violence is being modeled, maybe it's your relationship with your husband (I have not idea).

I don't know what your son enjoys doing but pick something that he will like to do and think about the memories that are being formed as well, despite the fact that your purpose is to probe deeper into this problem.

I am not sure but your son may be old enough to once the problem is discussed to be able to talk about what consequences would be appropriate for his actions if he slips up and does some of the same things after the weekend. If he is part of the deal then he is more likely to stick to it.

I would also suggest that you make this a regular yearly or twice a year thing, to just spend time one on one with your kids. It really leaves lasting memories that are so special I wouldn't give them up for anything!

B.

Are you trying to solve this on your own or is hubby involved? Maybe, with 2 full time parents, he's trying to find his place and wants to spend more time with mom/dad.

Watch Supernanny now and then on Wednesday evenings. She's always dealing with this stuff. The kids get time out for X amount of minutes and then they are to apologize for their bad behavior and parent and child then hug. You also have to assess if there's something you as parents might be unintentionally conveying. But try a rewards system and it includes the other kids too. So many points per week and there will be their choice of movie to watch as a family. Popcorn included. Too many demerits and they don't get computer time, or tv time, whatever.

Hi A., My name is M.. I am a nurse for a busy pediatric office. We have so many children of all ages that are dealing with anger issues. Something is bothering your son. You need to get him an appointment with a pediatric psychiatrist as soon as possible. He may be dealing with feelings inside that he is unable to understand at his young age. If you don't get him help at this age, your problems are only going to get worse. A psychiatrist will be qualified to administer medications if the need arises and monitor him. School is getting out for the summer but it maybe very helpful to contact his teachers and find out how his behavior is in school. We have a couple of boys in our practice who's parents thought counseling was not necessary and their children eventually became violent with them, their siblings, other children and even animals. Please take this seriously and talk to your husband about getting something going soon. Good luck. Continue to tell your son how much you love him and you won't give up on him. Together you can work thru his problems.

I would have him evaluated by a professional. My son has anger issues and he is taking medicine for it. It helps alot. He still gets angry from time to time, but it helps him to have better control. Good Luck!

Hi A.,

Just a quick note, I would definitely go see a children's therapist that can work with your son, as well as you and your husband (with kids, you always have clinical work to be done with the parents as well since kids don't exist in a bubble). I would address this straight away to help your son and family. Hope that helps!

p.s. I am a clinical therapist, who has worked with children, their families, adults, couples etc. I also have two sweet babies (son-almost 3 and daughter who is 14 months old).

I feel your pain! I have a son that will be 8 in June. We have had the same problem. Some days are worse then others. My mother seems to think that he is "babied" beyond belief and I have made him this way. The 1st grade teacher suggest a Conners report. Some schools may call it something different. Two teachers do an assement on him (various questions they answer) and then two people in the household or someone close to him besides his parents should do one. One teacher has him way out of the ball park one way and the other teacher the opposite way. My daughter did one on him and my husband and I together did the other. Our answers are very similar and in the middle range. We are to go to the dr in June for his appointment to see what the dr thinks of this test. They sometimes think it is environmental and sometimes it is an imbalance. There are programs you can get your child in to see if one on one helps them, usually thru the school. We don't want to see our child on meds at such a young age, but I am very anxious to see what they say. I'd like to help him, no matter what it takes, to get things straightened out now then to wait untill he is older and there is a lot more to deal with then anger problems. I guess I have no REAL advice, but to let you know I am there with you. I'd be very happy to send you a message to let you know how it turns out for us. Our kids are out future as well as their own, I don't want to be responsible for an out of control adult out there when I could have saved him from trouble in his child hood years. I am patiently waiting for the appointment with a possitive outlook that I can make a difference for him. I'll be in touch!!!!!

My youngest son also had anger issues. I think the best thing we ever did was sign him up for a martial arts class. Because we were looking for something without the eastern religious overtones, we signed him up with Christian Martial Arts Fellowship. He was with them for several years and the discipline he acquired has helped him all through his adolesence and into adulthood.