7 Yr Old with Self Esteem Issue

Hi, C.. I've her the Kenseido place on West Ave and NW Military is really great for all kids, particularly shyer boys. I've heard it's not militaristic and intense and that the boys tend to gain self-confidence. I've also heard that it's reasonably priced. Good luck.

WOW you have got your hands full! AND you have been down a rough road! I can't even imagine what you have been through and what your day to day life must be like! that said "GOD bless you"! Your 7 yr old may be struggling with the fact that there are twin children with special needs and an elderly father In law that I am sure soaks up some of your time and attention and then add to that the fact that you have just recovered from such a serious illness (which I am sure took a lot out of you and away from your family)It is absolutely normal and should be expected that the 7 yr old might feel left out or that he doesn't measure up or that he maybe isn't as important as he would like to be in the chaotic day to day life that I would assume is your home life. Not that you have done anything wrong, believe me I feel for you in your given circumstance and am sure that I would not have held up as well as you have, given the same situation. I guess all that you can do is to try to give him some extra time and attention and let him know how valuable and important he is to everyone in the home! Let him know that he is needed, that his help is a great source of comfort to you. Bless you all, I hope that your cancer is completely behind you and that you all find the comfort in each other that you need. Blessings, S.

Have you checked with the school if there is anything going on there that they have seen. It could be peer pressure or bullying. Never hurts to be sure. There are rules about the bullying.

A common reaction is probably to tell him that he isn't fat, his clothes are fine, etc. etc. You don't want him to feel this way. But, he does feel bad. Don't invalidate his feelings! First acknowledge his feelings. Empathize with his feelings. Make him truly believe that you know how he feels, that you have been in his shoes, that his feelings are valid and important and he has the right to express those feelings.

Once he believes you are on his side and his feelings matter, get to the root of his issues. What is it about his body that he doesn't like? What doesn't he like about his clothes? Don't ask too many "why" questions though. He might not know why! Ask his what would need to be different for him to like his body, his clothes, his hair, etc. Is there a realistic solution?

I can't emphasize more how important it is to validate his feelings.

Hi C.,
I have a 9 year old daughter that went through a phase like that as well, and I believe she was about 7. I wonder if it is an age thing? I couldn't figure out where in the world it was coming from, but now it has disappeared, at least in the sense that she doesn't mention it all the time. When she was going through this time though, she would cry if her hair or clothes or anything wasn't right and say the kids would laugh at her. So I don't have any great advice right now except to say keep encouraging him and hopefully he'll grow out of it.

I too have been through this with my now 9 year old daughter. She is still worrying a bit, but it's not as bad as it was 2 years ago. It's not an age thing, but a "middle child syndrome." Even if your son isn't the middle child, he may feel left out because you and your husband are so busy with everything you have on your plates.

It really helped us to be sympathetic to her feelings, but make fools of ourselves in front of her. My huband and I did this as often as we could so that she could see that we are not perfect. When we realized she may be crying out for our attention, we also made a point to talk with her about things that maybe the other 2 sisters didn't know about. We confide in the other 2 also, but this goes in cycles. We don't confide in each of them in one day, that way each child feels like they've had special time with us. Try talking about small family problems and ask what he thinks-make his opinion count that way he feels a sense of belonging.

Please don't take this the wrong way and get angry at what I am about to say, I am playing "devil's advocate" here to try to help. As an outsider, when I read your "about me" paragraph, I see you put special emphasis on your special needs children, but not the other 2. It is possible that your son feels left out of the love/attention he is craving, and he is acting the way he does to get attention from you. I am not sure if that is part of it, but try giving him some special time with just him, even if it's only 10 minutes a day.

Good luck. I know how frustrating this can be.

C. as parents, we always think our kids hear us. They don't! In this case he feels like you are just saying positive things b/c you are mother. Things can change if he hears it from someone else (non family members).

One of my stepdaughters was like that. I came in and told her how pretty she is. I introduced her to my side of the family, they said the same thing. she is like 5' at age 8. She feels out of place, but my family told her the positive side of being tall. She took it as someone else cared enough to tell her positive things. No problem.

If your looking for a book about the matter, go to CBS's website and search for this topic, you should get all kinds of books come up. Try putting him in some extra curricular activities that should help. I really think alot of the problem today is too much of hollywood on our tv not just yours or mine but just anyway. Kids feel the pressure differently than when I was young. When I was in highschool we wanted to know something about an actress you saw it in teenbeat but its in our kids faces all the time, even with nickolodeon or the disney channel they see how you suppose to look, dress and where you are suppose to hang out. It is starting way to young these days. I would make sure he picks out his haircut, and keep him envolved with sports or something that helps my son's self esteem. I also bought my son some healys he wanted some but didn't want some because his friends had some and he didn't think he'd do as well, apparently he tryed on theres. Well I got him some for Christmas one year and they really boosted up his esteem when he saw he's just as good as his friends. Now the thing is the rip board, which again he was scared but it turns out its actually easier to do than a skate board.
an

This may sound odd, but get him involved with charity work. Charity work tends to get the focus off of self and more on others. Bake or buy cookies and take them to the nursing home or get in touch with an orphanage and ask about what he could do for those children. Call your local CASA chapter and ask about what he could do for them.

Hope that helps!

K.

Dear C.,

First let me tell you, wow! You must really feel stretched to have so many to take care of and to be battling cancer. You will totally be in my prayers.

With your 7yr old, I can understand where you are coming from. I have had to deal with this issue with my children and even myself. This may seem like too simplistic an approach but you'll have to trust me on this. Just recently I was at a ladies retreat and the leader read this book to us. It's a childrens book so at first it seemed kinda strange. It made the BIGGEST impact to every woman in that room. It is "You Are Special" by Max Lucado. There is a central truth in here that if we all could get it, especially early in life, things would be so different for us. I don't want to ruin it for you by telling you about it but just trust me. Go to your library and check it out. It's worth it! It's a great place to start. In fact, honestly, the whole family needs to hear it.

Hang in there, God is good and He loves and cares for you very much. Will be praying for you in Texas.

Jen

i don't know a book or anything to deal with this, but maybe he is intimidated by his special needs siblings? and maybe he was scared when you went through masectomy? fear is a strange animal, it comees out in the bizarre ways. i know that counselors see kids this young, maybe find a good one, because he is taking on a big load somehow. you sound wonderfully optimistic about life, and that is so wonderful, really healthy and a great role model. all of this will be ok.