4 Year Old Behavior

Try 123 Magic by Dr. Phelan. I know many many families that this has worked for, including my own. With any philosophy the key is consistancy!
Good luck!
Jenny

Whew. Is there a kid that hasn't done this?

A few thoughts:
How much tv time is she getting? I found that my son was HORRIBLE if he watched TV all morning (we dont have TV programming, so by TV I mean kid-friendly videotapes/DVD's). I CUT the TV for a few horrible days then after that, it got better.

Also, sugar?? My son can get pretty wild with sugar/junk foods.

Set limits, spend time with her (15 mins on, 15 mins off or whatever time increments works for you.) and do things "together" even though you both are doing your own things. Stick to the consequences for trepassed boundaries you've explained.

Enough sleep? (BOTH of you!)

good luck. This too shall pass... eventually!

You could start giving her some drops of Calmazon. It is a completely natural herbal blend that is chemical-free and SAFE for everyone. It helps calm the nervous system and relaxes the body. It's also great for adults with stress or anxiety. Feel free to contact me for the specific herbs in it or you can see the product and information on my website: www.shootingstarherbs.amazonherb.net.

This book is awesome.

Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior and Character in 5 Days by Kevin Leman

You have a lot of great responses. I would say you are having power struggles. In this case you have to let her know that she is not the parent or in control. I had this same thing. What I learned is much like what one mom said I was always trying to make her happy. This is a path that leads to nowhere. Parent your child in a loving way. When my kids were younger we had a phrase "no means no, not yes or maybe" I tell you they were much better behaved when we just said no and didn't go into all the long explanations. Sometimes it is enough to say because I'm the parent, I know best, or I just said no. I always wanted to reason, but you can't reason with a 4 year old. They also know how to manipulate. Don't give your child everything they want materially either. We said no a lot when they were little, I think when they don't get as much and they have to earn things they appreciate things more. She is getting old enough to help you around the house - pick up toys, help with little things, clean and make her bed, you can help her. Let her know you are all members of the house and everyone has to work together and help out.

I think in our society it is true we focus so much on outward behavior and forget to ask why. I'd try (not during the tantrum) to ask what is going on. How is school, does she like going, etc. Consistency really is important. What I realized is that my daughter (a middle child) felt pushed aside when the baby came along (15 months apart) if I had it to do over again, I'd let the baby cry more and stop whatever I was doing and give her more attention. I think we sometimes forget how young they are and that they want our time too. And then again, some children just demand more time. The problem with always trying to make the one child happy is that you will end up making her miserable. She has to learn to make herself happy, praise her for her things she does. Ask her how it makes her feel. i.e. You did a really good job picking up your toys how does it make you feel to do the right thing? You are being very responsible you should be proud of yourself, etc. It is important that they take responsibility for their good and bad actions. How does it make you feel to be in time out all the time? if they say I don't like it then ask why not? Say, "if you don't like it then how can you stop getting in time out." You would be surprised how much they know. Then, if she answers to be good, do this or that. Praise her and say, "see I knew you were a smart girl. I'm counting on you to do the right thing next time because you really do know how to behave. I am so proud of you."

I hope this helps, I know we did a lot of false praise and it doesn't work. Better to praise for specific things and make it real.

Don't do fake praise like wow what a beautiful picture when you know she colored outside the lines, etc. Do, "I really like the color you chose for the eyes," or whatever you notice is nice, or you did a good job with this. If they draw a picture and you can't tell what it is. Ask them to explain what the picture is and what they were thinking about, etc.

Just do your best to not focus on the bad behavior all the time. It will get worse when they are teens if you do that. I know. However, don't let her get by with disrespect, just don't make her feel she can't do anything right.

Take care,
K.

I have four boys...10, 8, 5 and 2 months old. I am a huge fan of the book "Making Your Child Mind Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Leman. It is fantastic -- has practical and sound advice and is easy to follow. I swear by the things Dr. Leman recommends to do. Good luck and happy parenting!

A.

J.,

First let me tell you that I hear your frustration. I'm a mom of 4, been there done that, often AM there and DOING that:) I am also sure that you are doing the best you can given what you know, have done, and resources you have. Sit down, breathe in, breathe out, and I invite you to start listening to your inner voice. I also invite...no encourage you to look at your daughter and her behavior in a different way, as well as yourself and your behaviors. I could write a book here on the mistakes I've made as a parent, the trials and errors and AHA moments. I could write a story on the most effective and loving ways to guide and raise our children. But I am not going to do that (I am not an expert...just a mom who's learned a whole lot:). I will offer some suggestions that I've learned on my own, and from other's words of wisdom. There are TONS of books out there on parenting etc...and many of them are helpful, but none of them that I have found get to the real issue of why we have difficulties with our children...EXCEPT one book, 'Raising Humane Beings' by Jane Fendelman of Phx Az. go to www.janefendleman.com for info on ordering her book. It is a great easy read and I feel is extremely inspiring to parent in the way we truly desire to parent our children.

My offerings for you.
*STOP the time out. If you are using it as a way to control her behavior and punish her...it doesn't work - as you have found for yourself. Time outs were intended to help our children pause and reflect, not to punish them for a certain amount of time. Try a TIME IN when her behavior is out of control. Set up a special place in the home, or it could be her bed with a special stuffed animal or something, and gently and firmly let her know that her body and mind need time to calm down so she AND you can think of a solution to the problem.
*Think of ways to INSPIRE her to WANT to behave/cooperate appropriatly at home. AND the key word is APPROPRIATE. She is ONLY 4. Look at life for her angle and do some research on what is really appropriate for a 4 year old. Also, what is your initial emotional response when she misbehaves? From where is your anger arising? Sometimes us parents need a TIME IN. We need to pause and reflect so we can RESPOND with guidance and love, and not REACT with anger and blame. ....OUR CHILDREN MODEL US!
*Are you finding time to really just BE with your daughter and find out what makes her tick? Why do you think she is acting up at home and not at school?...which by the way is TOTALLY normal. I can't tell you the the number of times teachers, grandparents, friends, have told me that my children are positive, polite, cooperative, and a joy to be with. That is all true. At home they are as well...but not all the time! At home they feel more at ease to push buttons, to vent their anger and frustration, to push the limits. They argue with eachother and don't listen all the time. Sometimes, I parent like Hitler, mostly I hope I inspire them with love, compassion, and respect. It can be a fine line to walk yes?
*Are you taking care of yourself- physically, emotionally, spiritually? As moms we often get into the trap of taking care of everyone else and not ourselves, then our soul is depleted and we become angry, resentful, and our behavior really does affect our children. Be gentle to yourself. Nourish your spirit. Be a role model for your daughter to grow up to be a woman who can nourish herself with unconditional love and respect.
*Get creative with discipline. The word discipline comes from disciple, which means teacher - to teach. Discipline need not always come with an angry iron fist. Often it can come from a firm, yet gentle approach..or even a playful approach. Get in touch with your inner child to see life as your daughter. Then respond with your mature emotional self.
*Ask for help (as you did here). It takes a village to raise emotionally healthy children. Yes, parents are the first mentors for our children. We must draw upon our own strength and our own truths to how we live our life. Because we parent how we live. And at the same time, seek out those who will encourage and inspire you and your daughter.
*Lastly, for now:). Remove the labels you are putting on your daughter. Is she really a tirant? REALLY? Possibly you wrote this out of frustration and maybe don't really feel this way. However for the sake of helping you, seperate her behavior from WHO she really is. Discipline the BEHAVIOR with natural and logical consequences while loving HER for WHO she is. If I could shout out to all the world..."STOP LABELING YOURSELF AND OTHERS!" I would do it. Identifiying anyone with a label as "lazy, bad, addict, tirant, goofball, beautyqueen....etc" Honestly, it is truly not WHO that person is. But that is another book:) When you look at your daughter, with your mamma heart...WHO do you see?
I think that if you are willing to try to look at yourself and your daughter differently, and guide her while listening to your loving inner wise mamma voice, her behavior will change for the better...not because you want to control her, but because SHE wants to be happy. She wants to behave appropriatly.

Much good energy to you and your daughter as you move through this crazy and beautiful journey of parenthood.

In peace,
A.
mom of 4, Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Hi J..
Sounds to me like your daughter really wants some attention and she has found that negative attention is just as good for her. My cousin's three year old is exactly like what you described. She and I actually just had a talk about it the other day. I think a HUGE factor is that she is always on him about something. She seldom gives positive reinforcement and is just always saying, "Ryan, stop. Ryan, I told you no!" It's important to try to keep track of how many negative things you say and how many positive things. The positive things should outweigh the negative things at least 4 to 1. As a long time nanny and preschool teacher, I've found that most children will start to turn their negative behavior around after this starts happening. This may mean picking your battles, writing down a few rules and talking about specific consequences for breaking them. One thing that works for a LOT of kids is the marble jar. Get a jar (whatever size you feel is appropriate) and when she does something or behaves in a way that is pleasing and positive, reward it IMMEDIATELY by letting her put 1-3 marbles in the jar. When she does something that needs negative attention, give her a warning and then remove 1-3 marbles if she doesn't comply. Before you start the system, talk with her about she will get (a special toy, a day at the zoo, etc) if her marble jar get full. I hope this helps. It's helped with countless children that I have dealt with. Luckily, my three year old is still eager to please. We'll see what next year brings...

If time out is not working, abandon it.
I might ask, how many hours a week is she in the care of others than yourself? If it is more than 20 a week, it may be that she has bonded with other adults and her peers. Behavioral problems have been associated with daycare. Not in every case, but enough that studies find it cropping up a lot. Teachers and parents notice it. But it is such an inconvenient truth no one wants to talk about it for long.
Even if she is not in daycare that long, you still might try methods/ strategies that strengthen your relationship with her to regain your influence. You could just clamp down harder with punishment, but it may just make her resent you more, or just fear you.
Good luck!
I always recommend Hold onto Your Kids..by Gordon Nuefeld...for info on the dangers of peer orientation, family disintegration, bonding, and effective discipline and how they go together.

Hi J.,

My son went through this same stage when he was 4, almost 5. He is 6 now, and well past it, thankfully. He started kindergarten early, so his teacher gave me a daily report of how his behavior was. Time outs also did not work, so we started talking to him about how he was feeling, now that he was a certain age that he was responsible for his own behavior and that there were consequences for misbehavior. He seemed to respond well to knowing if the teacher said he he had a bad day that a certain consequence would happen. We started taking things away. Firt went TV (which only made me happy) second went computer. So it went, if I got a bad day report, then he did not get TV the rest of that day or the next morning. To get TV back he had to have a good day report the next afternoon. If it was a good day, he got TV back. If it was another bad day, then he still didn't get TV and he lost computer for the rest of that day and the next morning. If the third day was good, he got both back, if not, he lost his favorite toy. It worked pretty well. I helped him understand that these things were privleges and that privleges only go to kids who act appropriately. But for my kid, explaining things in detail really helps him understand. I think sometimes we think they wont understand our reasoning and discount what they are capable of. He got to where if he had a bad day he would tell me as soon as he got in the car and he knew what the consequence (not punishment) was. But as kindergarten progressed, those day became fewer and now that he is in 1st grade, it has happened only once or twice that he had a not-so-great (but not nearly as bad as last year) day. Whatever you decide to do, you have to stick with it and be consistent. Sorry this was so long. Good luck!

Hi J.,

You're not alone, when I was reading this I felt it was me that wrote it. My daughter just turned 4 last month and I feel the same way. She's great when she's at the sitter, but when she's at home she doesn't want to listen to me or her dad at all. I'm losing my mind sometimes and don't know what to do. If you get any ideas let me know.

T..

I'm now on my third 4 year old and all I can say is good luck! The behavior you have described sounds pretty normal to me. My first two kids outgrew (and survived ;-))it. Hang in there.

My first response was to say "good luck with that!". My 13 year old was the same. Teachers, other parents say she is the sweetest child. Not so much for me. As soon as she would get in the car from preschool it would start.
My advice to you is do not give in. Do not go out of your way to make her happy. I was always doing whatever I could so that she would not throw a tantrum. Let her know you love her but her attitude/ behavior is unacceptable. When she is ready to be kind she can rejoin the family in whatever activity you are doing.
Good luck, be strong.
C. A.

Hi, J. -
My daughter will be five in March, and you are describing her precisely. I've read that having a four year old is having many children rolled into one, and that is an apt description of my girl. She is sassy, disrespectful, obstinate, disobedient.... and also sweet, loving, courteous, helpful... it all just depends on which way the wind is blowing. At least a part of it is just "four" and will pass. It's exhausting, I know. You'll just have to love her through this stage. I do agree with another responder who said you need to rebond with her. I find that when we are really going round and round constantly, that if I step back, soften a little and spend a little quality time with her, it gets better.
Good luck!
Temporarily, anyway.

It sounds like you are talking about my child. :-) I have gone through the exact same thing with my four year old this year (she will be 5 in Feb). her primary problem was hitting so we started a program where if she hit she would loose something for 4 days. We would take away her favorite doll, toys, dessert, "mommy time", etc. There was about a 3 week period where she had hardly anything to play with. Everynight we would either put an "x" or a smile face on a chart to keep track of the 4 days. It took about 3 months but it is working. She talks about ways to get her "bad energy out". She, like your daughter, was great outside the house so people could not believe that this was happening at home. Good luck to you. I know this is a difficult time but it will pass.
C.