Im having trouble with my four year old. It seems that ever since the new baby was born she dosent listen. Simple tasks that I ask her to do such as picking up her shoes from the living room she has a little smart response. It has gotten worse since she is at my in-laws house. I have noticed that everything she says is the same as my sister in-law. She is nine and is a back talker. I dont know what to do. i tried time-out, no TV. no playing outside as punishment but it seems that the more I put her in time-out the worse resonse I get from her. Please help.
Keep her away from the regular bad influence of the 9 yr old. Spend more time with her--regular and special.
Be her main influence and invest in a quality discipline book--I'm reading and LOVING this book:
How to have a new kid by friday by Kevin Leman
I also like the articles by the Pearls:
www.nogreaterjoy.com
Good luck!
~A.
Since it seems like the negative reinforcement isn't working with her - maybe turn it around and try to use positive reinforcement and catch her doing good things. Praise her when she is nice to the baby or helps with the baby. Really look for ways to catch her doing good. Praise her when she uses a nice tone of voice.
I have a girlfriend who uses marbles in a jar. I think she calls it the Hooray Jar. Everytime she catches her daughter doing something good or doing a behaviour or tone of voice that is acceptable she has her put a marble in the jar. (At first she made sure to be super praiseful all the time so that the marbles accumulated quickly). Before they started the jar they had worked out the rewards for certain numbers of marbles. I think at first it was 25. Once 25 were in the jar she would yell out Hooray!! Mariah filled the jar. Hip hip hooray! She really made a big deal and would do a little dance around the house and reiterate why the jar got filled and what good behaviours helped to fill the jar. And then she'd give Mariah the reward and the jar would get emptied so that they could decide on a new reward and start working toward it. At first the jar got filled pretty quickly so that the child would grasp the idea but once they understood then she'd try to make sure that Mariah got to Hooray day within a week or week and a half.
Good luck and let me know if you have any questions.
D.
Hi M.: My oldest daughter is 17 now and my youngest is 11. So we have a pretty big age difference between the children. What I did when my oldest had a younger sister in the house.... was to make sure that she felt a part of the family still.... I was concerned that my oldest would wonder why she was not enough for us and why our family needed to grow... I explained in easy listening times.... that I wanted her to not be alone when she was an adult. I explained that there would come a time in her life that she would want family that was not always her parents and for that reason we really wanted her to understand how important she was to us and to the baby.... I also spent time only with her.... special time with me alone. Going to lunch and movie when the baby was with my husband. We still do this today... I take the girls to do things alone with just them... and my husband does the same. Regarding the talking back.. it may be attention... it may be pre-puberty... by keeping open communication and explaining what is acceptable and what is not... they will grow through those stages.... I have in-laws too.... and when my girls spend time with them... there are things that come back that are not acceptable too... we work through them... mostly, I prepare them before they go.... and I also talk to my in-laws about their influence... there have been times when we are too busy and I don't allow the influence to even happen... fortunately we don't have that issue any longer... we had to make it clear what was acceptable Aunt behavior too.... Good luck! I know you and your daughter will pull through this time..... Time is on your side! :)
Siblings without Rivalry is a great book. http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-T...
My two kids are 2 years apart but they act more like close twins because we used this book. Throw out the conventional thinking. Punishments will only make it worse.
Go pick up James Dobson's "Strong-Willed Child". It's been around forever and is awesome. You probably can buy it at Half Price Books.
spend some alone time with her, doing something fun and girly, for a couple of weekends in a row, then the third time, use that alone time (just part of it, not the whole time) to have a talk with her about helping mommy with the baby, being polite and not talking back, being a big girl and making you proud. see how that works. good luck!
I'm sure she is feeling "neglected" because of the new baby EVEN THOUGH I'm sure you are NOT neglecting her. It is totally normal. I have two kids close together so I know exactly how this goes and the more you punish the worse it gets; however, that goes without saying that she DOES need limits. Have you ever heard of or read Parenting with Love and Logic? It is great and a very easy and quick read...get the one for under 6. Also try to fit the punishment to the crime if that makes sense. And try to not show frustration...that is all what Love and Logic is about...it is SUPER hard at first but you'll get the hang of it real soon. If you have anyone who can watch the baby for even an hour or two..try taking your daughter out for some along "mommy time"...you'll be suprised how different she probably acts away from the baby. As you probably know she wants to be like MOMMY...so try and ask her for lots of help with the baby and model exactly how you want her to behave...helpful, good manners (please and thank you)...after a couple days she might get the idea.
Also, have you tried a behavior chart? My daughter really responded to that b/c she could earn rewards. It isn't for every child but if she likes getting "checks" or "stickers" it might work. We made our own...I put like 6-8 things on the side and then across the top was the days of the week. They were things like sleeping all night in her room, brushing her teeth, pick up toys, take nap/quiet time, etc...decide how you want to do it and then at teh end of the week she gets a reward...a new book or doll.
Hope this helps! It will get better!
I am a single mom of 3 girls: 2, 4, & 6yr. Each of them have their time every once in awhile when they go thru this; so it sounds to me like your daughter just needs a little extra one on one time and affection from you right now. Remember she is a girl and they are a little more emotional. My six year old has been doing the same thing for the last week & I've noticed that when I stopped just getting on to her and just held and loved on her she responded very well. She wanted me to rock her which isn't a normal request. All she needed was some special attention, being the oldest puts a lot more pressure on our children than we think sometimes and as parents we don't realize it until they start showing bad behavior. Good Luck and I'm sure she'll be fine.
