3 Yr Old Having Fits

Although it isn't fun to watch, I think it is completely normal behavior for a three year old. My youngest son is much more emotional than my oldest, and when he was three he surprised us by falling to pieces whenever he would get into trouble for anything at all, however minor. He would behave exactly the way you described except that his phrase of choice was "I am such a bad boy!" We never, ever told him that, and we know his childcare provider never said that either. I don't know where he picked it up, but he was, and still is extremely hard on himself. We spend a lot of time reassuring him, telling him it's alright to make mistakes; that's how we learn. Anyway, I'm an English teacher and I read everything I can get my hands on, and everything I've read tells me this is normal behavior. We just need to keep encouraging our children and keep telling them that it's O.K. to make mistakes. At least when they are so hard on themselves discipline is easy. ;-)

ETA: While I said it was normal, I didn't say it should be ignored. I completely agree with checking out Love and Logic. It's what we used and it fit our parenting style well. It also helped stop the tantrums very quickly. Good luck.

My daughter is four and I've noticed some odd behavior over the last two years and figured out she's picking it up at preschool. For example, we never use the word "stupid" at home, but last year, my daughter came home in tears saying another child called her a 'stupid baby.' I was mortified that a 3 year old would say that to another 3 year old! It seems so young! Obviously that child got it from home or TV or some other influence.

Since you said you work full-time, if your child is in preschool or daycare, you might check with the caregiver to see if anyone else in the class is doing that. My daughter behaves one way at school (very quiet and well-behaved) and totally different at home (outgoing and a bit sassy at times) so your daughter may not do the same thing at school that you're seeing at home (if she's going somewhere while you're at work).

Good luck.
S.

I'm sorry, K.. That is scary. I have a few theories. One: look to who takes care of her and her surroundings. where did she get the stupid thing? why would she even worry about such a thing? a three yr old should never worry about being stupid! that's a bit out of left field. maybe heard that from other kids? do some investigating or just ask her why she thinks she's stupid. maybe she will tell you.

Two: could she be jealous? are you really talking it up about the new baby? on the phone, with your husband, is that too much the topic of conversation that she hears? if so, she could be craving any type of attention, fearful that when the baby gets here, she will not have any attention at all. it's common for baby girls to get scared when they will have another baby girl in their lives. especially when she's heard her whole life that she's daddy's girl, or such a big girl, or all the things that people say to little girls. remember, we are emotional beings. you wouldn't believe the things my niece does, not even 2 yet, when it comes to emotions that you would never think she would have. she gets mad at her dad when she thinks he is about to go out-of-town for work and ignores him for a few days after he gets back. she really gives him the stink eye to let him know she doesn't like her daddy to leave.
maybe a talk with her about why she would feel stupid, if anyone has ever called her that, how she feels about a new sister, and reassure her that she will always be your little girl no matter what.
i don't know! i could be so wrong! would love to hear how it turns out!

Read "Love and Logic." I think it covers this topic!

www.loveandlogic.com

Hi K., you said it yourself... she is SMART. She knows when she has this poor me pity party that mom forgets what she was doing wrong and gives her a pep talk.

My advice, either totally ignore it and continue with the scolding OR add an extra minute to the time out timer since she is throwing a fit.

Her little smart brain will figure out real quickly that pity parties become party poopers!

No idea, my little guy's only 20 mos, but you mention you're a working mom, so I'd ask your childcare provider where she may have picked it up. Perhaps an older kid she's around does something similar. I don't know if she actually knows what it means, or if it's just something she's seen someone else do in a similar situation. Maybe focus on helping her figure out what the feeling she was going through when she gets in trouble before she can get to the "i'm stupid" thing? Good luck!

Maybe time outs aren't the answer? I would definitely check out the book "Easy to Love: Difficult to Discipline" for some ideas on how to handle this better.

On time outs - I think most people do them because they feel a "misbehavior" or "rule breaking" must be punished somehow. But think about it- a timeout happens after the fact, after the "misbehavior"- it usually does nothing to prevent the "misbehavior" or teach the kid better ways of coping. Some kids make the connection, and respond to timeouts, but a lot do not. And even if they respond to timeouts, what are they learning? Not to do something b/c of punishment...I'd rather have my kid be responsible for their behavior and develop understanding and communication.

As for what is considered misbehavior- IDK- I think that kids sometimes do things to explore, and that sometimes they do things to be little snots just because they are looking to see what happens or because they are bored (just like sometimes adults wake up and are cranky or mean or unable to find a way to be productive), and that sometimes they are difficult because they are having difficulty managing (off routine, tired, hungry). But that's where prevention and anticipation is the first step. Once the "misbehavior" is occuring, I think you still need to respond, regardless of the reason. But why it is occuring will help you in knowing how to prevent it the next time.

Also, I would consider the word discipline, it comes from the word disciple, which is someone who teaches. Discipline should be looked at as an opportunity to teach something. Punishment, (which is what time out is) is meant to make a person feel bad and belittle them, not to help them learn from their mistakes.
Just because someone does not punish their children does not necessarily mean that the parent does not set limits. I do not allow X, Y Z behavior. Not allowing the behavior and following through on that, helping her find better ways of coping is the consequence. Discipline is teaching, and human beings deserve respect--not positive and negative reinforcement (rewards/punishments) to elicit desired behavior.

Good luck mama! This too shall pass!!!

I have an older adopted daughter who spent 7 yrs in a Russian orphanage. This is what we call "orphanage behavior". It comes from a child who is upset and doesn't have the proper coping skills to deal with their emotions. It is common among children who are raised in orphanages. This should be a big red flag to you about having your young child in daycare instead of home with her mama during these formative years. This is her way of sending you a strong signal that she is insecure and needs you for guidance and instruction. No - it is not normal - but it isn't unusual either.

Fortunately, you have the privilege of dealing with this at its onset and teaching your child the age appropriate coping skills. Ignoring the behavior is a bad idea. Left unaddressed, it can progress into self loathing, rages, and self mutilating - believe me, you don't want to go there. She has to learn that she cannot act out and misbehave. She also needs to learn appropriate coping skills for when she feels this way. You are blessed to be able to deal with this now and it should be relatively easy to handle.

When she starts one of these fits, recognize it is a way of showing her displeasure for being disciplined. Pick her up and hold her so that she cannot hit herself, sit with her on your lap and tell her kindly but firmly that "You may not treat my daughter this way. It is not OK to hit anyone - including yourself, or call them stupid." Repeat this instruction to her calmly as often as you must and hold her securely until the fit has passed.

This will give her the security she needs during the emotional storm. It also sets the standard for what is appropriate behavior in a gentle, but firm manner. After she has regained her composure (calm plus five minutes is best) then you need to calmly instruct her on what she could have done in the origional situation that would have been OK. You may even give her a chance to "Do Over" and role play the correct behavior with positive reassurance.

She's smart and no doubt has figured out that these emotional fits get a response from mama. Make sure your response is one that stops the behavior, establishes her safety and security, and instructs her on how to solve her problems. Otherwise, you will be stepping off into the realm of manipulation by fits. That's a real bad place to go. If she starts to rage again, repeat your response - calm + five minutes. She will test you, so be prepared to take the time to be consistant. Do NOT give in to an emotional response yourself or let her fits overpower your resolve to see it through. That will only strengthen her bad behavior and make it worse! So find a comfortable chair - a rocker is good - and prepare to be there awhile. Put out a box of Kleenex next to your chair to wipe the inevitable boogies and mentally prepare yourself ahead of time so you don't react out of your own emotion. YOU CAN DO THIS! :-)

Know that the end result will be a calm, sweet little girl who has learned to handle a tough emotion. She will feel so much more secure and you will be thankful for the peace it will bring to you both.

God bless you and hang in there mom! Be consistant and you can knock this one out in no time.

I agree with the moms who have suggested that you wait to start the timer on the time out until she is behaving appropriately. You are trying to train her up to have right attitudes about others and herself and that begins with helping her to take her thoughts captive. If she is throwing a fit while you're disciplining her then she is adding one misbehavior to another. I also would have a talk with her (at a time when she is happy and well-behaved) about being kind to others and herself and let her know that you will discipline her if you hear her speaking badly of a friend/sibling and that you will also discipline her for speaking ill of herself. I have zero tolerance for that kind of talk and I actually give my kids a dose of apple cider vinegar (1/4 tsp on the tongue) when they have bad talk about each other. That should apply to speaking ill of yourself as well. When she's in a good place speak to her about how she's bright, creative and mostly that she's a child of God and she was made for a purpose. Let her know that speaking ill of herself is speaking ill of God's creation and the appropriate response to "messing up" is to turn from it. If you're in time out for screaming the response should be to stop screaming. If you hit someone the response is to ask forgiveness from that person and not hit again. I have to do this all the time with mine. It means I have to be patient with them because they all have their areas that they tend to mess up in over and over.
By the way, apple cider vinegar is akin to washing your mouth out with soap but it is actually healthy for them and helps with all manner of illnesses. I give water right after but it usually keeps their talk "nice" for a long time. I have spent time talking about the difference between sweet words and bitter words. We talk about the face you make when honey hits your tongue vs. vinegar. If you hear her say something nice you may also grab that teachable moment and give her a "sweet" and let her know that you reeeeaaallly like the way she responded. I've probably given you way too much info. but on top of all of this I'll pray for your daughter and for you.

K., I would have to agree with the three ladies who said it could be something picked up at day care. A three year old should NOT feel as if she is stupid. Yes, there might be a melt down when they get into trouble, but not to the point that she says she is stupid and acts as you describe.
I have a problem with a lot of the "parenting advice" books out there now a days, as it seems that a lot of them are saying that "this is normal" or "that is normal" and I'm sorry, but it's not always normal. A mother does still know best, if she is really paying attention to her child and caring for/about her child. Check into this with the day care, if possible observe one day to see who your daughter is around and how they behave/talk. And, you might ask your daughter if anyone has ever called her stupid. Sometimes a child won't say "mama, so and so called me stupid" - I did not tell my mother this. And...this was from a teacher, of all things, because I have discalculia and was struggling extensively in math.
Praying that things get figured out!

Let her know that her three minute time out starts once she has stopped throwing a fit(she needs to stay somewhat still and quiet.) Keep an eye on her without her knowing it, to see that she stays safe. Her fit will get worse, before it gets better...ride it out. Later, when she is all better, have a talk with her, and tell her that your family doesn't use the word "stupid". Let her know that she'll get a swat if she says that about herself, as she is your child that you love and you don't want her to call anyone stupid or hit anyone...Keep riding out the fits. If you stick to your technique, I would think it would be under control within 3 to 5 days. I would definitely inquire at the daycare she attends.

She is exhibiting the same classic anxiety symptoms my son had, except his was due to school, before we discovered he was dyslexic. He would grab/pull his hair and scream "I am so stupid" becasue he was frustrated. It sounds like she has a bit of frustration built up as well.
You have a new baby coming, she might be or is wound up about that, and she may be putting pressure on herself due to the fact I am SURE everyone has been telling her what a GREAT "Big Sister" she is going to be. She may be thinking she is failing you if she is not "perfect" as the big sis.
When she does this, get her to look at you and sit down and calm down from screaming first and foremost. Then you can do some relaxation things with her - Like taking several deep slow breaths and closing her eyes. It gets them to calm down. All the while - do not get upset, do not freak out or even look like you are freaking out. Kids can sense stuff in us by facial expression alone.
When she is taking a deep breath, talk to her in very soothing tones. Stroke her hair, lightly rub her back. After a few breaths, and she is quiet, ask her why she thinks this. Her answers may surprise you.
If she continues, or gets worse in her episodes, consult your pediatrician as she may need a therapist or somebody who specializes in kids to help her. I am definitly NOT advocating medicating her, but that would be worst case scenerio for professional help.

Fits at this age, though frustrating and something that needs to be addressed, is also quite normal. I think that some other moms have some perspectives that are worth entertaining, but let me come from the perspective of a mom of a 3 1/2 year old who is extremely hard-headed and stubborn, and also quite bright. I think it's very possible that she is doing exactly what she knows will get your attention. Time out is about being removed from the situation as a punishment, and when she hits herself and calls herself stupid, she sees how much it bothers you and it gets your attention- the exact opposite of what time out is supposed to be about. I think if you completely ignore it while she's in her time out (I also like the waiting to start the timer suggestions because it falls under the same approach) you'll see this particular behavior stop. I think it's fine to talk to her about it, but don't make it a huge deal. When you carry on about how she's not stupid and you jump in immediately to stop the hitting, she gets your attentions back. Wait until time out is over, and just simply say, "You're not stupid, I don't want to hear you talk like that any more or you'll get another time out", or something along those lines will reinforce that she is not stupid, but won't pander to her behavior either; and she's not going to truly hit herself hard enough to cause harm. Just a thought, because I know this is what my son would be doing, just to get attention (he does like to scream in time out sometimes, and if I completely ignore it, he stops pretty quick. On the occasions he does not stop, I generally threaten to make him sit longer if he doesn't stop immediately, and that does the trick as well)....