I Have Made Soooooo Many Mistakes as a Parent, Now I Have to Fix It

You did not screw up, the terrible two's just got put off til the three's. I wouldn't lock her in her room, but definately ignore her when she acts up. When she starts to behave, smile and prasie her good behavior.
Her behavior is a liitle on the extreme side of normal so keep an eye out for other issues, but most kids push their bounderies about this age.

My girlfriend's little 3 yr old boy threw a hissy fit at the store. She took him to the bathroom and spanked him. Then when she got home he got another spanking. He has NEVER done that again. Have you ever spanked her?

You havent done anything wrong, she is testing her independance and you have to be consistant and firm....you are doing fine. Hang in there.

I'm an older mom - much older, actually as my daughter is now 34. But I always answer these rage posts - just in case it helps someone. My daughter was 3 when her father left and I went from SAHM to work 2 jobs mom. And she started having tantrums like this where nothing worked. So I know how beat up you're feeling and how it makes you doubt yourself. I wish I had known then that some children have more trouble processing their emotions than other children so a lot of emotions come out as anger, even though it might be frustration or sadness or boredom. You have to accept what they are feeling and help them process their emotions. Please read about Validation as a communication technique with this type of child. The example I always use is that when a child in anger says "You don't love me!", we are inclined to reply, "Of course I love you!" That is NON validating. A better response is to say "Something must have happened to make you feel that I didn't love you. Can you tell me what happened?" Then really listen to their response, try to find something you can agree with and help process the emotion. So if they say I wanted you to play with me, you can agree with something by saying I can understand how sad that makes you when I've been gone to work and we haven't seen each other all day. Help her name the emotion - Is that frustrating, are you sad because you missed me a lot today, etc. Then transition to what you need to do..like would you like to help me with dinner so we can spend some time together? I know some people will feel that this isn't appropriate "discipline" but seriously if you're sitting there with a scratched up face, you need to consider that she is feeling intense emotions - and maybe not just trying to get her way - but really, really feeling intense emotions that are authentic to her and that she needs help processing these emotions. You may want to google "parenting a child who has intense emotions" to learn more. I wish you all the best.

I wouldn't lock her in her room during these fits. She will just tear up her room. That sounds like a cop-out from the doctor. I've had kids go through stages of having huge freak outs like that. I really don't think it's from anything you've done. Kids have trouble controlling themselves. She must feel so out of control during these rages, she can't help it. Locking her in her room will just make her feel worse. I remember making a 'nest' for one of boys that they would go to when they needed to calm down. We made it out of blankets and pillows. My son put stuff in there he knew he would like to look at. Then we had a 'volcano system' so he could keep in check how he was feeling. When I knew he was starting to go down the path of a freak out, I would ask him questions about the volcano inside him. Like was it getting ready to erupt? Maybe he should go lower his lava level in his nest. Btw, by not letting your daughter cry it out is NOT why she's having these freak outs. Crying it out in a crib doesn't teach self-soothing! Good luck. Stay close to your daughter. These tantrums will pass. They will.

It doesn't sound like you screwed up at all to me, kids go through phases and you just have to take it as it comes. I think the doctor's suggestion to ignore her behavior and it will stop is good advice. Try the book 1, 2, 3 magic. It worked well with my son, who is 2 1/2. We never had tantrums quite like this, but it has helped with a range of bad behavior. Put her in her room for a time out (3 minutes, since she's 3) and if she tears the room apart just ignore it. After the tantrums subside have her help you clean up the room and then she will be much less likely to tear it apart again.

Just as a side note, if she is behaving wonderfully at school it's probably because you did something right. The director at our school likes to remind us that kids can't be perfect all of the time and those that have been taught how to behave are angels at school and then often melt down a bit at home because they just need to let it out. So apparently you taught her how to be a sweet little girl, she's just going through some stuff right now and needs some time to adjust. She'll learn your new boundaries and things will get better.

Yup, this is pretty normal (if a tad extreme) 3 year old behavior. You didn't do anything wrong.

I second the suggestion on the "Love and Logic" books. It's similar to your doctor's advice, but goes into a lot more detail about useful and non-useful ways to do this.

For an immediate self-protection strategy, restrain her when she's in a fit. A restraint is a modified hug. You sit the child in your lap, facing away from you. Cross her hands over her chest, holding onto her wrists. Keep your arms below her arms so she can't bite you. If she's kicking, cross your legs over her legs. Keep your head up so that if she slams her head back, she doesn't hit your chin and make you bite your tongue. Talk calmly to her with a repetitive litany such as "I love you too much to let you hurt anyone. I will keep you safe. You are a good girl. I will not let you hurt me. I am holding your hands until you area ready to control your own hands." For your sake and for hers, don't let her scratch your face or injure you. The overall message of a properly done restraint is "I am the grownup. I am in charge. I will keep you safe. I will not let you do anything that you will regret." If you are doing a restraint properly, you should be (or appear) calm, very patient, and slightly bored. Definitely not angry, sad, or emotionally involved. Restraint can be an excellent option for young children who are too destructive and out of control to be put into a room for time-out.

Whatever disciplinary tactic you choose, give it absolutely consistent implementation for two solid weeks. Be aware that behavior may get briefly worse, then should improve rapidly. If you aren't seeing any improvement in two weeks, try another tactic.

If *nothing* works, consider the possibility of some type of health problem. My son was given a clean bill of health by two doctors, both of whom missed the detail that was severely sleep-deprived due to low-grade asthma! Both of them told me my son was just being manipulative. Both of them were wrong.

But this really does sound like extremely typical 3 year old behavior. Good luck. It gets better.

My older son used to have fits like that, without the scratching mind you, when he was around two to three. I would get him in a bear hug, using both arms and legs so he could not hurt me and then I would keep telling him I love you and I am not going to let go until you calm down and talk to me.

I can't remember how long it lasted but the hugging did work. In the end he was just frustrated and couldn't explain himself.

Just so you know Tommy is now 23 and one of the sweetest young men you could ever meet.

You are definitely not a bad mom, a bad mom wouldn't care.

Oh about the room thing. When Tommy had his fits there is just no way I could have safely got him in his room we would have both been injured. In his room I can't see how I could have kept him safe, he was enraged. I don't think the pediatrician has a good suggestion there.

Tantrums - she obviously gets a response, so she keeps doing it. If you can put her in a room until she calms down, do it. If you can't, you go into a room until she calms down. I think you'll find that when you disappear, she'll stop, look for you, find you, and start up again. It's classic.

Daily -- You need to be absolutely consistent. If you say no, mean it. Stick with your decision. Do not waffle. She can pitch a fit, but the answer still needs to be no. Do not give in -- ever. If you do, you'll be starting over.

Set some house rules - have her help you with rules and consequences of not following them. No Hitting... No Biting... No Yelling, etc... Consequences might include a time out, no TV, etc.

Good luck!
LBC

Doctors are not disciplinarians. They cannot coach parents on to how to discipline. The fact that she is healthy is great news. That's all a doctor can tell you. I'm not sure what discipline you used for fits in the past, but the rumor that ignoring fits will make them go away is totally false in fits this severe. Letting kids melt down in their rooms is just that. It's giving the green light to throw fits in their room and practice the bad behavior. It's doesn't teach them to choose against the behavior. If kids are enraged at parents for not giving firm boundaries, continuing to allow it will not help.
She needs very firm discipline after one calm warning at the very beginning of attempting a fit. If she is normal in every way (sounds like she is) and you're a loving, laid back mom (sounds like you are) when she realizes that she gets the exact same extremely unpleasant result to her attempt to throw a fit every single time she does it, she will stop. It's absolutely guaranteed. Read about this book right away on Amazon. If it is in alignment for what you believe her behavior should be, and the 7 things you need to address, get it. It will let you nurture her into being a respectful loving person. It takes firm discipline at first, but it really works, and her vicious attacks of you are absolutely not OK. My daughter, now 5, has been amazing with this style of parenting. Same with her 2 younger sibs. There is no way on earth they would ever try such things. You can do it! Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson.

Oh, mama, you're doing just fine. Hang in there!

A few points:
- yeah -- don't beat yourself up. You need to work and your kid will be fine. I speak from experience as the primary bread winner for my family who needed to go back to work when each baby was between 4 and 6 weeks old. It happens. It's OK. Don't feed her manipulative comments about this & don't worry about it. Worrying can't change the economics!
- 3 yo children have tons of emotions -- but not necessarily a complete enough vocabulary to get their points across verbally. As her word options grow, her physical demonstrations will lessen.
- Still, her tantrums aren't acceptable. In a firm voice (but avoid shrieking and verbally losing control yourself, OK?), tell her this isn't how your family behaves. Put her in her room or give her a whole body hug if you can (sometimes this is better done from the back) -- whatever works for you. If it's hugging, I would avoid speaking to her while she's out of control.
- don't offer comfort for this behavior!!!! Don't tell her it's OK!
- Later, DO tell her you always love her -- but you don't like her behavior. It makes you angry and it makes you sad.
- ALWAYS encourage her to express herself in words -- good and bad. When she speaks about how she feels stop & listen and tell her how proud you are to hear her talk and to use her words.
- also encourage other appropriate forms of expression (art, dance, hugs, etc).
- if necessary, try a punching bag/ clown bop bag to give her an outlet for her negative feelings. Speaking of negative feelings, I used to tell my daughter when she was at this stage that it was OK to be angry; everyone gets angry -- it's what we did with it that counted.

Rally, mama, hang in. This, too, shall pass.

Hang

It's not your fault. It's

A) a temporary phase. All three year olds are horrid. I don't know why people get worked up over "the terrible twos" when threes are so much worse. Her terrible behavior will peak at around age 3.5 and then you'll start to see a normal human being emerge again as she nears her 4th birthday. And...

B) her temperament. I've got a bunch of chores to get to so I can't write the novel I usually write but here are three great books for you:
-Raising Your Spirited Child
-Positive Discipline
-The Kadzin Method for Parenting your Defiant Child

Finally...consider a new pediatrician. Locking a 3 year old in a room is ridiculous and counter productive.

Things will get better - hang in there!

I would never ever lock a child in a room. To me that is totally effed. Sorry anyone who agrees, I vehemently DO NOT. You can place her in her room and tell her to relax in there. Non punishing. Close the door. Or not. But do not lock it. How scary!
Now that that's out of the way, please please don't beat yourself up. These phases come. And they pass. I LOVED some of the suggestions from Julie R.
We didn't do cry it out either. Absolutely not why these rage things happen. She is a passionate girl. She cannot verbalize all her strong feelings yet. Try to empathize with her. Just because they are small they are still people and they feel just like we feel! They just can't talk like we can! Keep loving her. Remove her from the situation when these fits happen.
Try and make sure to have quality time when you are home. Make sure she's getting enough rest and protein. See if there are any possible triggers for her melt downs. Like too much excitement, or sugar or something. Maybe there aren't. Just a possibility. And do your best to stay calm...
good luck!!!

Read Love and Logic for Early Childhood. It gives you some steps you can take to make things better for you and her. I think we've all felt like we've "royally screwed up as parents", but the reality is that's just not true. Part of it is her age, and part of it could be she needs consistency. Believe it or not, kids want to know you're in charge. Just make sure whatever you decide to do is what YOU decide to do and follow through. Stop beating yourself up! I'm sure you're doing MUCH better than you're giving yourself credit for. Like you said, she's typically very sweet and apologetic...I doubt that's a sign of your horrible parenting. :o) Try to recognize if there are any patterns to when the behavior is triggered such as being over tired, times of transition, etc. Hang in there!

Well, don't be so hard on yourself- all first time moms are exactly that- first timers! Each new phase will throw you for a loop, but you'll learn how to handle it just like you have the rest. I have had to deal with many many 3 yr old tantrum, however it never got to the point of being physical b/w us. So I can't answer for that, but I can tell you what has always worked for me. When my children throw tantrums, I walk away (at home) before I walk away I always tell them "this is not how you get my attention" after a few minutes, they get it together and come to me. (my daughter always hugs on my legs (2 yrs) and my son always tells me he's sorry for his behavior (3yrs)) I cannot think of a time that this has not worked- After they have calmed down, I then talk AND listen to them about the issue-In my opinion she has got your number right now, she knows you'll cave- (rightfully so, it's hard not to sometimes, but if you don't get a handle on it soon, think of how much harder it will be in 3 more yrs)-- It's a power struggle- 3 yr olds are naturally self centered- they think "ME" naturally, she has no concept of how she is making you feel- she just wants what she wants. . are you going to give it to her b/c she has showed out to get it? I think it can be much harder and much more embarrassing to handle these tantrums in public- luckily these are few for us, but when they have happened I usually try to move to an uncrowded section of whatever store I am in (or I will walk outside if possible) and put them in a time-out. Sometimes it is humiliating for me, but I know that the follow-through and consistency must happen. I usually do 1 minute for their ages- ex. 2yr old- gets a 2 minute time out. Since this doesn't happen often for us, it is pretty effective- There was a Harris Teeter trip I can remember when my son was an only child and had just started these tantrums where I left my cart full of groceries just to get him out of the store- I went home and put him in his bed- I was sooo upset thinking what did I do wrong?!? I remember it like it was yesterday! I guess after many more humiliating parenting issues, it stops phasing you! haha- - I have to say though, why in the world are you letting her scratch your face- that should not even be an option- you should try to make sure she understand that getting physical when she is mad is not acceptable.
Ex-biting,hitting,scratching -whatever it is, should not be a way to show your anger. Maybe if she is having trouble expressing herself when she is not having a tantrum, you could come up with some creative ideas to help- maybe sock puppets with different expressions (mad, sad, happy. . . ) Role play with her and her baby dolls about how to get what you want, with a please and thank you- and what will happen when baby throws a tantrum-I do this one all the time with our daughter and constantly catch her doing this on her own with her babies- so I know she's getting it- Seriously though, don't be so hard on yourself- there is NO perfect mommy, and the competitive mom stuff is ridiculous!! Your heart is in the right place and that is what is most important! God Bless~

DON'T beat yourself up over it. i have always thought of myself as a great mom. sorry, it's not being vain, i have a great kid, it's REALLY hard not to think that! we went through this around this age. the key is each tantrum is different. there were a couple times that i literally sat on my son's bedroom floor and held him pinned down to my lap until he calmed down. you are bigger than she is. if they get in that "black rage" place, sometimes there's nothing else you can do, for fear they will start breaking things or hurting themselves. many times, yes, i would send him to his room. not necessarily "lock" him in his room, i don't like what that suggests...but those kind of behaviors are inappropriate and disrespectful to her mother and YOU deserve better treatment than that - she can act that way away from you. three was way worse on us than 2. four was worse in it's own way too, we went through a phase for a couple months where he was just hateful and argumentive, would NOT accept "no". i am proud to say we worked through all these phases, and now at almost 5 he is amazing. but i am sure the next phase is just around the corner. whether it's pushing boundaries, growing pains, whatever it is. they go through them. being a mom is HARD work. hang in there. it's worth being tough (i mean emotionally, not necessarily just tough on her). you'll get through this.

I'm chiming in late here, but wanted to add this. My best friend's daughter is exactly, exactly the same way as your daughter. She is an angel at school, no problems, very bright. But at home...MAN she is terrible to her mother. Same thing, raging fits, screaming, hitting her mom, biting her, etc. One thing I have noticed though is that this child needs a TON of structure. That's why she does so well in school. At home if she has almost constant activities - art projects, walk to discover "clues" (rocks, sticks, acorns, etc.), helping to bake cookies or make homemade popsicles, etc., she's awesome. It's when she has too much free time that things get crazy. It's exhausting for my friend to keep her so busy 24-7 with another toddler in the house, but it's so much better than the drag out fights they used to have!

You should not beat yourself up for things you have done in the past, but rise up and greet each day as a new opportunity ( none of us has mastered time travel yet) You are in such great company, because none of us is perfect.
I am not sure I like the pediatricians advice so much, but I will say that if I were you I would absolutely not tolerate your child inflicting pain on you...I would suggest making time when you can, talk in the car, find a cd your child likes and sing a long. Take time when you get home to read a book before you jump into your evening routine. It really seems like your child is seeking attention, so I say give her positive attention.
I feel like I have royally screwed up as a parent on a VERY regular basis ( heck, feel free to go back and read some of MY posts) I have a teenager who has been a serious trial, and a toddler who has had a years plus worth of therapy! I know it seems terrible right now, but what you NEED to focus on is ALL that you have done right = ) And then make a battle plan to face tomorrow....((hugs))

You poor thing.....every parent feels from time to time that they did something wrong. Let's face it -there isn't any kind of a handbook that goes with parenting. Sure there are tons and tons of books written by doctors and psychologist,etc. but those are just opinions and basic guidelines. When in doubt I always go back to the basics-the bible. I am not by any means the perfect parent and would never ever claim that and you tread on very dangerous grounds when you try to tell another parent ....well how to parent their children.
First of all you have to set boundaries with kids in my opinion and you also have to be very consistent as well. The one time you give in they know it and will push it even farther the next time. My kids understand and know that when I say NO it means NO. Doesn't mean they don't ask it again but the response is always the same. She is also at that age as well....yes some of it IS indeed a phase but given the extreme behavior you describe here she has surely suceeded in showing who is boss. I have twin girls and my rule is strike three your out. I will tell you three times if I have to tell you the same thing after the third time then there will be indeed a consequence. Sometimes it might mean a spanking (gasp-I know and I also do it in public too-ewww shame on me) or if there is something we were supposed to do like go to the park or go swimming whatever those are privelages and those can and will be taken away and sometimes everyone else has to suffer through not having any fun because of someone elses behavior but such is life. Life isn't always fair. Each situation and each child is different. How you handle it may not always be the "right" or even the "wrong" way but I think as long as you establish boundaries and you follow through with things and be consistent then they eventually get to the point where they know better. After everything is said and done I will look my kids in the face and tell them how much I love them or give them hugs and kisses. I never want them to feel unloved and that its okay. I want them to use their brains and think about what they do before they actually do it.....sometimes they do sometimes they don't. Regardless I would have to say overall my kids are good kids. They have their moments and I remember those ages and thought OMG-where did these satans come from?? LOL! It switches ALL the time. When they are toddlers trying to figure out their independence then it levels off for awhile only to be back with those raging hormones-lol! Keep up the good job momma and at least you can recognize when you haven't done exactly the kind of job you wanted and can go back and start over again-in your case its not too late. It's not even too late for those I believe with the tweens and teenagers. Yup its hard but no one ever said it would be but I got God on my side and he will lead me the right direction. He pulls at my heart strings when I have done wrong and I am woman enough to go back to my children and apologize and let them know I failed. I think that's important. I think alot of parents want their kids to think they are perfect. I want my kids to know I am human and I fail but that I can get back up when I fall down and who helps me up when I do fall down. That is what is important to me. Oh -lol and with those fits I would usually totally ignore them and they would even come up pulling on my leg. I would pull them off and get down tot heir level and let them know xyz was unacceptable and that I will not give them what they want until they can say it like a big girl without the crying and whining. I would literally ignore them and believe me they straightened up when they figured out that wouldn't work. Positive behavior=positive results meaning mommy gives me attention and gives me what I want when I act such and such way NOT when I act like a brat. Of course at 3 I don't even think they know what a brat is-lol!

Sounds like you are doing everything right. She is 3.....3 is WAY worse than 2, it makes the terrible twos look like a tea party. She'll outgrow it, however she does need to have some severe consequences for the physical injury she inflicted on you, she needs to know that is not acceptable under any circumstances.

I don't have any great advice, but I just wanted to write and say that I doubt that you have screwed anything up, and I would say that your daughter is LUCKY to have a mom who is willing to look at her parenting and make changes. So many people are locked into one way of doing things, and I think it means that you are an awesome mom that you are growing and changing with your daughter's needs. Maybe take her to a counselor (not that there's anything 'wrong" with her-just to get some advice). I'm not sure about locking her in a room, seems a little scary to me, but what do I know?? :) Good luck-I'm sure you'll both be great!

Do not look back. Move forward. None of us is the perfect parent. We all make mistakes. Your daughter is still very young. Put her in her room when she is like that and tell her up front that when she behaves like that she will be expected to stay in her room until she calms down. DO not spend too much time explaining this to her because when you start doing this she will understand pretty quickly. If dad is around get his help in case she gets pretty physical. Dr Lyman has a good book about how to have a good kid by Friday. I am sure you can probably get a copy at the library.

LOL!!! You are just getting started. You have many many years ahead of you to screw up your kid. I have been in your shoes and there are times that I almost crossed into the insane asylum as I sit there laughing uncontrollably.
Maybe get a routine for her. Do a picture schedule of the order shes supposed to do things. Make several of them like one for the morning, one for after school and then one for bed. Ignore the behaviors, they will stop eventually. just walk away and do something else and don't say a thing. My son used to hold his breath and then pass out on the floor. I would go around him and go do something else. He stopped about a month later. Praise her well for all the good things shes done, even if its so simple.
hang in there, you can do this

DON'T THROW YOUR PARENTING STYLE OUT THE WINDOW! At one point in my 'mothering' we moved close to inlaws...their parenting style is different than mine...I was way sensitive about it...everytime my kids misbehaved...I felt like it was because there was something wrong with my parenting style...I wasn't really consistent because I wasn't being myself...I tried to parent like their were...when that just wasn't ME...so I wasn't consistent...it just ended up being...not a good thing. Refine your style...improve your style....learn...etc...but don't try to be a type of parent that you're not. Also wanted to add my 'you're not alone' to everybody else's! I have a 5 year old that...has his moments... :)....and I remember thinking one day, "He's only 5! How could I have screwed him up this bad ALREADY!?!" I'd venture to say, we have ALL had our tears and frustration. My suggestion... I'm learning that there a definite 'art' to ignoring a child...and that has helped significantly with my 5 year old. He doesn't respond well to changes (and we have had quite a few recently...a move, my husband having open heart surgery due to a congenital heart problem, daddy being home from work for 6 months recovering, a new baby in the family, daddy returning to work, starting kindergarten...etc...etc...). He really is a sweetheart...but he was starting to act out a lot. I make sure I am giving him positive feedback when it's warranted...special 'Mommy/son" time...etc. I will (sometimes) tell him ONCE when he is doing something he shouldn't...but even that's rare...most of the time...he knows. Then, I don't look him in the eye, I pick him up and put him in his room and close the door. If he comes out still upset, I pick him up and put him back in there. I make it very obvious that I am not paying attention to his behavior...I hum a song, come back and read a book, get dinner ready...etc. I know some people say 'explain', 'get down to their level and talk to them', etc...but when they already know a behavior is wrong...kind, but firm actions really do speak louder than words. Granted, he's 5...not 3...but it has worked really well...so I thought I'd pass it along :) Good luck to you!

*by the way...for all of my kids...3 was a way harder year than 2...I don't know what "terrible two's" are...never seen them...but holy cow...Age three does a number on my sanity!*

It's the age. Don't beat yourself up too much, we've all been there.
Reward charts helped my son quite a bit when he was that age. I would put down the rules on one side (No hitting, no yelling, be nice to your sister) and put the rewards on the other side (ice cream, new toys, bike rides). When he followed the rules, he got a sticker on the chart. If he broke the rules, he got a X. After so many stickers, he got to get a reward of his choice. He would still have his tantrums, but as soon as I told him he was going to get an X, he straightened right up. Good Luck!

From what you've written there's no reason to believe you screwed anything up. I have a daughter who sounds similar. When she was 2 she was fine, when she turned three the defiance started, not exactly what you describe but definitely defiance and tantrums. ANd I also talked with her pre-school and they said she was a model student there. I've been working full time since she was 12 weeks old so it has nothing to do with that in my case.

Things started to get better as she got closer to 4 but then we just had a huge relapse and she's WAY worse. I think it was precipitated by our week long vacation with another couple with a child 1 year older. For many reasons, she ended up on a dramatic decline with her behavior and threw some of the worst tantrums I have ever seen (luckily I escaped unscathed but still) toward the end of our trip. When I asked her afterwards why she did it she said "just because". In addition, she likes to answer everything with "no" or "I won't do it" or "it's yuck". You get the picture.

At least you could get her to the pediatrician - mine pitched an unbelievable fit at the pediatrician for her 4 yr checkup and had to be physically held down for her vaccines. It was awful.

Anyway, what I am finding is ignoring is the only thing that helps. If I engage her at all it only encourages her, but she cannot stand it if Mommy walks away and ignores her.

I wish you (and me) luck - I think it sounds normal but I am now also worried that somethings wrong with my little one and I will be watching for other stuff.

I know you already have lots of ideas. First of all, you're not a bad mom ~ we all make mistakes sometimes. Nobody's children are perfect. My cousin used to do the same thing as your daughter. My aunt is similar to you in her parenting (what you've described). Her dr. told her the same thing & if she couldn't get him to his room, put him in a safe place where he could tantrum w/o harming himself (i.e. hit his head on the fireplace). It was so very difficult for her, but it worked. My cousin is now 21 (he'll be 22 in less than 3 weeks) and is a fabulous young man. Best wishes.

Honestly, I really think it's the age. I went through this with my DD when she turned 3, though maybe not to that extreme. But it was like all of a sudden she was this strong-willed, stubborn, little being who was determined to push my buttons and have her own way. I bet you haven't done a thing wrong, she has just reached a new stage of development where she's going to start testing limits. My daughter is the same way as yours with teachers and other adults - listens great, behaves beautifully, then gives Mommy a really hard time. I've been told it's because they feel safe with their parents to let it all loose because deep down they know we love them no matter what.

I would start by making her know that ANY kind of physical action - biting, kicking, hitting, scratching - is absolutely unacceptable and every time it happens she is going to her room alone until she can calm down and control herself. I would be aware of anything in her diet that could be causing her to rage like this, such as sugar, or artificial colorings, which according to some could be to blame. Make sure you spend positive quality time with her when she is behaving herself and praise her for when she is being good. I also like the book "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas Phelan for discipline. Good luck to you - be consistent and hang in there.

I agree with the mother who stated that just locking her in her room really doesn't teach her not to behave that way...just teaches her to do it elsewhere. That's just it...she has to learn that under NO circumstances is her bad behavior appropriate...and especially if she's hurting you, it is NOT okay. She's old enough to understand cause and effect, and consequences. I would absolutely crack down with the discipline. I haven't read the book the other mother suggested, but I think I'd try that.

We all make mistakes.
You have a lot ahead of you.
I don't mean that in a bad way, but each new thing can be a challenge.
I wonder if there is confusion with putting a child in their room to have a fit and calm down with the door closed and the door actually being locked.
The closed door is usually a good enough barrier.

And, in my opinion, it's not a bad thing to come out and say that you don't like your kid's behavior.
"I love YOU, but I don't like it when you bite, pinch, kick, or scratch me."
It's not nice and she should be in trouble everytime she does it.
Repeat your mantra:
"I love YOU, but I don't like it when you bite, pinch, kick, or scratch me."
Send her to her room.
If she comes out, put her right back.

Best wishes.

Looks like you got a lot of answers, but I wanted to say you are not alone.
I have a 3 year old, and she isn't as bad as my son was at that age. But she does have her moments.
Gain your power back as mom and the one who rules the roost.
She's figured out she can manipulate you and hurt and she's going to keep doing it.
My daughter doesn't like sleeping in her bed by herself. I gave in and let her sleep with her 5 year old brother too many times, or me when daddy was out of town. Now we are trying to get her to sleep in their again, and she knows how to get me.
She is very dramatic and can turn the tears on like her heart is broken or her arm for that matter. It kills me every time, but I literally have to walk away from her and let her know I'm not going to be around her while she acts like that.
Good luck, it will get better..3 and 4 are tough ages. They were the toughest for me with my son who is 5.

Hi there Mom,
Do not beat yourself up over this. Kids go through stages and ages and that is not your fault. It is just life. Give yourself a hug. Your kid is normal. If my 4 y/o son had it his way he would remain joint with me at the hip, would go potty with me, take a bath with me, go to sleep with me and wake up in my arms and never-ever let mommy go anywhere :) They are just sweet, aren't they?
About this issue with your daughter. You do not mention who she is with when you are at work. Maybe she hates the caregiver? Or, maybe you are so much fun that no caregiver can compete... Investigate the caregiver issue, if the caregiver is good, child will trow a minor fit but will calm down after a while and will not resent the parent so much afterwards.You said that you have been working for about a year now, so it is not a new transition she is going through. My little guy also has separation anxieties. When he is calm, I calmly explain to him that everyone goes away but we always come back and that is just how the world is. That helps him to prepare and understand on his little selfish level what is going on. Reinforce and be sympathetic as many times as needed. I would say something that a child would understand, like : "Honey, I need to go to work because I make money there and we pay for the house with money and for the food. If we have no money - the big guys will come and take our house and we will have no food to eat". Child can think that over. Another thing I do is to give something to remember me by - let him choose a small empty bottle of perfume, the ribbon, my hair clip, etc. and he gives me something of his (usually some small toy) that I promise I will carry with me. When we are together - we pull out treasures out and celebrate that we are together.
As for tantrum itself... Does it happen mid-day, is she hungry, sleepy? Needs a down time and a snack? If it happens at the particular time of the day - offer a favorite snack, ignore minor offense, do not escalate into a power struggle, distract, make a joke, play a game. When the edge is off - you are in the safe zone!
I tried time out once or twice with a closed door. My child did not like it. I was sitting right by the door BTW, just the mention of the time out like that gets his full attention right away.
Good luck, Mommy.

I have felt this way, though my girl was 8 and 9. The fits upset me because she was unable to calm down and she never acts like that at other times. I wondered if she had something seriously wrong with her.
My husband is one who thinks kids lie and manipulate all the time. He tried locking her in her room. That triggered a fear in her.

My friend's oldest child stopped throwing fits after being locked in his room. He hated being ignored.

After seeing her pediatrician we feel it is our inept parenting that let her be overwhelmed with feelings and now they come out in fits. I understand your feelings. I had to stop beating myself up, realize I did the best I could, and learn to do things better. :0) Hang in there. Truly bad parents never reflect on things.

I agree that this is not at all uncommon. You are a good mother. She has been given a safe and nurturing environment. Now her emotions are getting more real for her and she needs to learn what they are.

Remember she is still growing and learning. She needs to learn coping skills. BUT first she needs to recognize her feels and she still hasn't quite figured that out.

When my daughter would have one of these fits, while holding her firmly to avoid being hit or scratched and I would very loudly say "You're mad. You're mad.. You're mad that (whatever instigated the fit)." This allows her to identify the emotion. It won't stop the tantrum right away but it will help her to know that YOU understand. Then I would isolate her until she calms down. Talk to her when she's not upset and ask her to identify a place she feels safe/comfortable (a favorite chair, her bed...) That would be her calm down area.

Good luck! You will get through this.

My DD has screaming banshee fits now and then and I don't think it's what we did or didn't do. I think it's a phase. We ignore her. If she wants our attention, we tell her she needs to talk to us and use words we can understand. We've picked her up and put her in another room to scream. If your DD does not do it in school, then it's situational. When my DD comes out of her room, she needs to be calm. If she is not calm, she goes back in. I don't lock her in but I do pick her up and put her back, without speaking to her.

Don't beat yourself up. I was never able to let my DD cry it out, either, and I don't think that created this. It is common with 3s, from what I hear from other parents. You just need to not take the behavior and take her out of the situation. She wants to scream for an hour? She can do so somewhere else. When my DD is calm, she gets my attention.

I also try to talk to my DD about what I expect and what she's feeling. "I hear that you are sad when I go to work. I have to work. That's how we can pay for our food and clothes and toys. But how about I make you a bracelet that you can wear. It can help you remember that I love you, no matter where we are." Kind of a lovey, without the blanket. Or, "I like it when you ask me nicely to read and we can sit here and enjoy a book. Using words helps us understand each other."

Your doctor is right. Keep her in her room when she throws a fit. Don't beat yourself up, this is totally normal. All children test their parents. She knows it's bothering you and she feels like she can control you. We all make mistakes in parenting. It's a part of parenting...LOL It's also normal for our children to try to manipulate and control us and to throw fits trying to get their way. Stay on top of it and it will stop. Good luck!

You are not a bad parent for having a 3 year old who has fits. I have put my boys in their room, but never locked them in. I hate the idea of a fit but I hate the idea of locking a child in their room and what message they may convey to them. They say there are terrible 2s. I say there are terrifying 3s.

When she starts to display her fits, tell her that you aren't in the mood for it and walk away. She will learn that it isn't getting your attention and it will stop. The one thing I can do with my younger boys is when we are somewhere and they are mad/pouting and we are walking (I have to hold their hands still) I stomp my foot and say 'boogers!, I sure hate it when you are mad like this when we get a chance to hang out'. A lot of times they do smile and lighten up.

Kids will test you to the core and back. Just remember to watch her sleep, it is rejuvinating. Good luck!

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it can be when you are trying to balance being a loving mom with providing discipline. I can relate to what you are going through. This is what I would say... From this point on, try not to blame yourself for your daughter's behavior. It is not useful, in my experience, to focus on what you should've, could've done. Instead, focus on trying new techniques that will help contain your daughter and therefore, help to improve her behavior. It is going to be a difficult transition for you because it will mean separating from your daughter during those periods of rage and allowing her to de-escalate on her own. Your job is to provide a safe environment for her so that she can go through her range of emotions and then come down from it. I hope this makes sense.

Is she still in a crib? If so, my suggestion is to try putting a crib tent on the crib and zipping her in the crib and allowing her to have the tantrum there. Another option is to lock the door in her room (as your pediatrician) says and tell her that when she is calm, you will come in and get her. Ultimately, you are allowing her to begin self soothing. If you are there as her punching bag, all it will do is cause injury to you, a TON of frustration and she will not be learning the healthy way to get through those emotions.

I agree with your doctor. As I said, you will be uncomfortable with the feelings you have as you make the change, but trust me, it's worth it.

tantrums are the worst. I haven't seen mine go through quite this bad, but mine did kick.

Dr. Sears has some good advice for discipline tactics, also check out the "bothersome behavior" link, it talks about hitting and such.
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

Also, your Dr.'s advice is wonderful.

.

You have not done a SINGLE THING wrong! It's totally normal and won't last forever. My son just hit that stage too and I got the same advise from his doctor. It's no fun getting hit so just get yourself away from it. I feel like a monster too that my son has started behaving this way and I work from home. He hasn't had any changes at all at home except for the potty training and moving to a big bed that every other child this age has. I have given up taking him into public because I just don't need that kind of stress. Good luck!

Wow, I could have written this post, although my son hasn't thankfully reached this extreme, but there are tantrums and I think he knows how to run over me! I am the easiest parent and he never does these tricks on his dad! I am going to read all these posts myself too! and yes PoolMama said it right - truly bad parents never reflect on things!
I hope this is a good learning experience to all involved - the kid and the parents!

Wow, I think I could have written this post! I'm going to read all the responses, but wanted to mention a book I read called "The Explosive Child." It gave me tools to use with my son that have helped and helped me understand that so much of it is his temperment--what he was born with--not something I did or didn't do. While there are parts of our children that we cannot change, we can change how we react to them and how we parent. I've realized my child will probably never be an easy kid to parent, but hopefully we can find the right tools and methods that will work with him at each stage.