I have to vent more than query...I'd love to hear more resolutions because I keep telling myself this shall pass... 19 year old "bombed out" of a good college opportunity last spring and has been living free at home for 10 months now, no motivation, no help, no job, "doesn't want to" go to the local college (no way are we sending him back to the big school he flunked first 2 semesters at while partying)..On top of all that, he is enabling (or sucking down with him) the 17 year old son who seems set on flunking out of high school, sneaking out of the house at night, has a part time job but spends his money soon as it hits his bank account. What have we done? Well, lets see...we stopped doing any help in the way of laundry or clean up last year, made the rules crystal clear, removed the family room TV and stereo, disabled their cell phones, and then eventally cancelled them, moved the car they were using and disabled it, let the older one's car insurance lapse. So of course they had their fun over Christmas by sneaking out for some all nighters and we locked down even more. It's not like there's yelling and screaming here but again, they are provided with the rules and a calm explanation of what needs to change - and they ignore it. So, the last straw happened. The 17 year old stole a check out of the mail box which was written to my husband -- for $3,000. -- yes, 3 thousand. Of all the incredibly dumb things, he deposited it in his own bank account and did get 200.00 of it but the bank put a hold on the rest. Then the bank (God Bless Them) sent a letter in the mail about the hold. Suddenly my husband figured out where that check was that he was waiting for! They were both "in on it" so their bedroom doors are de-installed, I have swapped out a key lock entry for 3 other rooms so we can hopefully store some things safely, and I'm shopping safes. I could go on and on but I either feel like a cop or a prisoner in my own home, depends on the day. We are discussing next steps and the theft item might be 'grand theft'. What would you do? File Charges? Kick out? I'd love to hear from you others who've been there... Thanks for listening!!
Or, what is happening...No more checks in the mail, all electronic transfers. Dragged the little thief to the bank, made him sit with us and the Manager while said Manager retrieved a copy of the falsified check, I told the Mgr. what had happened and just the way she looked at my son I think scared the pants off him. She called the security office but found that only court subpeona (criminal charges) would produce the video of him. I asked her to tell son WHAT WOULD HAVE Happened if the Teller noticed the forgery, and she certainly did. He would be in Juvie and facing a felony. His bank account has been changed to a required Dual - Signature account with NO debit or ATM card and NO printed checks, my husband has online access to the account but son does not. Manager put a "Positive ID" alert on the account too, just in case. So, his paycheck is auto-deposited and he has no way to get money without my husband going to the bank with him. I don't think this bank would open an account for him when he turns 50, let alone 18.
Oh, yes we did explain to him that he has TOTALLY gone beyond "lost trust". We did NOT file charges as it could easily be a felony. We struggled with that, a felony would really increase the chances of him turning to crime, or wanting to stay here, in the future because I have heard just how tough it can be to get a job with a felony record. We decided no charges. Bank Manager informed us that the bank teller may well lose her job over this. All of the money was transferred to another account, so it has been recovered.
Several asked - drugs/alcohol involved? Both have tested, 19 is clean, 17 positive for pot. Neither drink (yes I'm sure they have participated at friend's houses, etc. but my dad was a raging, violent alcoholic and I have talked to them about D&A all of their lives...I know what it can be and I've told them both.)
The 19 - The 17 implicated the 19 - the thief lied (imagine that). So the 19 has a clean aliby (which I did verify). Regardless, the 19 is not doing much except 'festering' in his room, so given the lock down status he has been told to move on - 'if you don't like it, leave'. The land line phones only work if me or dad are home, I found I could make the cable tv shut off and on via a schedule so it's now lights out at 10 and tv doesn't work until 5 p.m. next day. Internet works from 4 pm to 10 pm.
I work but made arrangements with my boss and 17's school and I pick him up everyday so he has ZERO social life. Yes, we watch him get on the bus in the a.m. Got a referral to a couple of places locally that do counseling for troubled kids and 17 is in a program. He's been there twice, his second session was tonite, it was 4 hours of him listening to stories of other kids who do STUPID stuff and get caught and refuse to stop. He has been fairly compliant thus far and when he starts to show off his attitude I just shut him down, he absolutely knows how much trouble he's in, and he was very humble and near tears coming back from his "program" tonite. Otherwise, if I think of a chore I tell him to do it. He might get his bedroom door back in April, we'll see. Oh yeah, and I make 17 turn in his shoes and coat every night, I locked up all his other shoes and any coat he might think of using to sneak out. He's got lots of time to do school work and reflect upon his state. 17 will also be meeting with the local PD Tomorrow night for some additional edification about how good people in society determine and execute punishment upon those who commit crimes.
I did not tell the school exactly what 17 did but I did ask his guidance counselor to keep tabs and we've been in touch frequently and otherwise they know he is in lock down and in a lot of trouble. We are going to sit with this for a week or two and breathe, and the next objective is to make the 19 increasingly uncomfortable and continue to work towards him realizing he'd be happier and better off out of here. Shelia S. and Nancy W. - and any others who offered real advice and didn't just give me a piece of their mind (versus experience), all I can say is I hear you, I hope you hear me, I feel the same pain you do and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately, we are not alone and I really appreciated some sympathetic ears out there.
Yep! File charges against both of them. Kick out the 19 yr old, and slap some sense into the 17 yr old.
Stealing $3000 is crossing the line BIG TIME.
It's bad enough to be stolen from by a stranger but to have family do this to you is such a betrayal and violation of trust.
You can't let this slide.
If you wait (hoping they will pay you back), it will be harder to call the cops.
Press charges now.
My Mom evicted my sister when she turned 18.
She quit going to college, was hanging around with a bad boyfriend and was doing drugs.
It was the hardest thing to do, but we could not go on living the way things were going.
My Mom got some counseling and read up about tough love.
Talk to someone who deals with troubled teens - they've heard it all - and ask them how you should deal with this.
You should not be afraid to be in your own house and locking everything up is not going to help as much as you hope it will.
welcome to mamapedia.
You allowed your adult son back into your home without any expectations, rent or contract set up. He is now an adult. Sorry, you did this to yourself. You have lost control of your home and your children.
I would press charges for fraud. Yes. Against my own son. Yes. I would. If I didn't, how would he be held accountable for is actions? What he did was wrong and he did it KNOWING he was NOT his father, when signed the check and deposited it to HIS account. yes, it would mean juvie - but there are consequences to actions.
Since it is proven you can't trust your children? I would get all of my mail to a PO BOX. Yes, it's extreme. But if he can easily and without remorse sign a check and deposit it? There is no trust.
As to the 19 year old? I would boot his butt out the door. This is tough love. I would change the locks on the doors and get a key pad entry with an alarm system. I would ensure that my 17 year old does NOT have access to the house unless I am home - that is if he's not in juvie.
You need to take control back. Stop acting afraid of your children and take control back. Call me mean, call me heartless, but it's my job as a parent to teach them right from wrong and show them that I love them unconditionally - but I will NOT tolerate theft, lying, cheating...my house? my rules. don't like it? leave.
ETA: I have a 25, 11 and 9 year old children. My daughter was NOT like this when she was a teenager...yes, she lived with her dad during this time - when she was with me - she knew the rules.
I want you to know you are not alone. It is very easy for a lot of people to say I would do such and such, and I would do this and that. They fortunately for them-are not there. I could easily say kick them out, while my twenty one year old son sits here on the computer constantly only just recently got a job that he seems to only have a day of work this week. I could very easily tell you gosh, be tough and just kick them out. And then there I am looking at young people, walking around homeless and feeling very bad when my son was gone. We have undone parts of the car so he doesn't drive it, have paid for many debts he rang up (and that's because if we don't it would hurt us) and praise God, insurance paid a twenty three thousand dollar hospital bill because my son decided he was depressed, was thinking of killing himself, scared the heck out of us and now he resents us because he spent eight days in the hospital and we feel like police and prisoners in our own house. The point is, we are also waiting for a breaking point. In the meantime: get yourselves, your husband and you, to church or counseling and get strong on whatever decision you make. sounds like you are united. You obviously love your sons very much. Talk to them. Sounds like they won't listen. But I believe you and I will reach an impass at one point. I am happy to say that I didn't get this far with my first son and I expect this too to pass. And for awhile until you make up your mind, anticipate your every step. It isn't easy but worth it. Protect yourselves. Mind you if you file charges then you have called in the police and you will later feel guilty when they remind you of yes, felony charges.. Kick out when you are ready. In the meantime attempt to communicate, communicate, communicate and keep writing us. We are here.
I am sorry but the 19 year old needs to be put out. Pronto - tonight. Pack his things, put them on the porch and change the locks. He is an adult - you have every right to file charges on him for theft, etc. I understand that these are your boys and you do not want criminal charges. So put the 19 year old out. Explain to the 17 year old that if cannot fall back in line then you will emancipate him and put him out also.
I am usually not one to jump on the kick the kids out band wagon - but this has become extreme and is jeopardizing your youngest son's future.
I would also have the 17 year old drug tested - you can't demand that of the 19 year old since you will be kicking him out. And if all else fails, find a scared straight or boot camp program for the 17 year old.
I wish you luck and am sending prayers you way.
God Bless
Sit them down individually. Let them know that rent is 500.00 a month and the money must be obtainee legally. Any illegal actions by them in any way will cause them to be out, charged with the crimes they have comitted in a court of law. The curfew is 10pm unless they can prove that they are at work. They are to both be enrolled and completing school and will need to do a work study or take student loans without your cosignature. They will need to do their own laundry, clean the bathrooms, mow the lawn, shovel the snow, buy and cook their own food and figure out how to legally purchase a bike to get to and from work. If any of these are not met they will be required to leave within 24 hours of the date you have set forth. Have them sign a contract to this effect and hold them to it as if you back down you will be asking for huge trouble. The forgery, and attempted theft of 3k I believe is a felony and may accomplish getting them free housing but at the cost of a criminal record as it would be a public defender as you should not foot the bill when you are the victim. Good luck and time for tough love.
First of all, I've not been there. I'm sure it's really easy for moms with younger kids to read you a laundry list of "shoulds" and "laws" but it's tougher to live it. I grew up with a sinlge mom and two older brothers and O. of the best things my mom did was PUSH them when it was time to leave the nest. Sounds like your 19 year old needs a push, maybe?
Maybe the 17 yo will do better without the influence of the older O.?
Also, I would be VERY suspicious of drug use. Get some home pee tests and test them once per week--random days.
Normal, otherwise good kids, don't just start stealing 3000 checks out of their parent's mailbox for no reason....
Good luck!
You don't mention drugs, but this sounds like behavior brought on by addiction. . I would have them drug tested immediately and if it comes back positive, I would threaten to press charges unless they are put into rehab. If it is negative, I would press charges. If this isn't drug induced, then I think you have a bigger problem on your hands.
I'd require the 19 you to pay rent. Yes, change the lock if he doesn't. That's tough to do but it will give him the message that he has to change.
I'd file charges against the 17 yo unless he sincerely apologizes and pays back the $200. Again, tough, but these boys are not getting the message that there are even more serious consequences to their behavior.
Sit them down and tell them what you are going to do. Give them a deadline to accomplish what you've asked them to do. Offer to help the older one find a job. Show him how to job search. Set up a payment plan for the younger but only if he sincerely apologizes.
You've gone above and beyond with these boys. I don't understand why they keep on after you've given them consequences. For that reason I would talk with a family counselor to gain some insights in their thinking and behavior.
Everyone who lives in a household needs to contribute in some way. Even small children can do simple tasks and chores as a way to learn responsibility and how to be part of a family. Somehow, your boys seem to have forgotten that they are part of a household, not independent agents!
Your 19 year-old needs to get a job now. If he doesn't want to do anything to contribute, whether financially or with some help around the house, he doesn't get to have the privilege of living there. This should be non-negotiable.
Don't let his negativity and irresponsibility continue to influence your 17 year-old. Your older son needs to get on board with your rules and requirements, or he can get a place of his own and pay for it himself.
I would suggest family counseling. It really helped our family when our older children were teenagers.
There is a great little book called "Back in Control: How to Get Your Children to Behave" by Gregory Bodenhamer. It's an easy read and not just for young children. His background included working with kids in the juvenile system, and he presents very useful ways of phrasing things to older adolescents and young adults. Great for any age or type of misbehaving children.
Good luck to you. I know that this is a difficult time.
J. F.
Teens are tough. It sounds like you are staying calm (as possible) and initiating appropriate consequences.
One resource to consider is going to the police department for a non-emergency consultation. They deal with family disputes and troubled teens and may be able to suggest some options on how you can protect yourselves from your teenagers. They can also recommend others who might help you, an advocate with family court for example.
19 year old has to go. Now. I've been on my own since 17.
The 17 year old only has one more year to follow your rules-or not. Then he has to go too. The 19 year old needs to be gone, so you can focus on the young bank robber-to-be.
When adults (like your 19 year old) HAVE to survive, they will. He should be working three jobs if necessary to make his rent and bills, starting with roommate/whatever makes it affordable. If a few tough years in the real world ignites his interest in school, he can pay for it, and if he's earnest, you could chip in if you want. Start making a plan and a deadline to get him out (within a few months). He'll never do it while he doesn't have to. Survival is the only motivation that will work. He'll thank you later. Not now, but later. He's too old to be punished at home. He shouldn't be home.
The 19 year old should pay rent and have a set curfrew. The moment he does not have rent or is pass his curfew, you should think about him moving out on his own. Scary I know but he can not learn to be a man or responsible while being in your home (outside looking in).
The 17 year old will have to have a plan set in place the day he graduates.
Sending you stregnth and prayers.
So hard for you to make a decision....when your heart strings are being tugged. The military is an excellent route to go. Don't prosecute...give him an ultimatum....join or find somewhere else to live and give him a deadline. Hang in there with the 17yo...you have to...there is also the non emergency number for police to call if he won't go to school. My thoughts are with you.
You have already indicated in your remarks that you do not want to live this way....and rightly so.....it is time to kick the 19 year old out NOW....if the 17 year old wants a chance to finish school, try it, with rules intact....or, emancipate him, and let them go together.....change your locks, and have a life....be able to sleep nights....if you do not take a stand for yourself, this behavior will go on and on and drive you nuts...these two need a dose of real life....$3000 is nothing to sneeze at....if one of their friends had taken it, would you hesitate to file charges?
At some point they must realize that there are consequences for these actions.....do you think that they are drinking or drugging?
If so, even more reason for setting big limits etc.
I am speaking as the mother of a recovering alcoholic and five other children. I always told them, " If you are stupid enough to get arrested, do NOT call me, because I won't come bail you out...". It happened to one of my boys a couple of times, and he did not call me....
I hear stories like yours weekly from parents in meetings at a treatment center.....all you have done is good but has not produced the desired results and, as you described, has made you feel like a warden, so time to get your life back!
So far, you have not gotten their attention.....I think it is time to up the ante big time.
(If you could get someone to come and change the locks when they are out one night, it might be a good start! Don't forget to put all their clothes etc. in garbage bags outside the front door that night!)
I am not kidding!
