Help with Adult Child

I would think that as an adult he needs to grow up. My daughter is 32 and is finally an adult. She grew up in rehab, she graduated out in October...

My thoughts....

If you boot him where is he going to end up?

With good friends? With drug friends? In a shelter? At a girlfriends home with her parents supporting him?

Aren't there any other options of what to do with him? Perhaps he needs to get enrolled in some college programs. Does he have any interests? I feel so bad about how I treated my daughter on so many occasions.

She would call me with no place to go and want to come spend the night. I would say no, the kids could come but not her. So she would bring them over and then go trade a place to stay for sex, eventually she was selling drugs for them for a place to stay. Then they started giving her drugs for selling them for them.

His life is worth a final effort. I don't know what to do, seriously wish I had words of wisdom to pass on but I only know the bad side of how it can work out. Please just sit down with him and talk, listen. Ask him what he wants to do with his life. If he truly does not know then offer the opportunity for him to go to a college and visit with a guidance counselor. They may be able to ask the right questions so he can get a glimpse of what his life could be like if he would just try to manage it a bit better.

That or take him to the nearest branch of the military and drop him off and then block the doors so he can't get out...lol.

Why has he never had a job? Why does he get to call all the shots? Why does he get to destroy your house that you and your husband have worked hard for? Why does he get to tell you that he's not willing to see a counselor, when you are supporting him financially 100%?

Yes, you can't live like this any longer and neither can he. Time to do what the counselor said and issue the ultimatum. Oh, it's going to rip you apart to boot his butt out, but do you want to continue living this life? Your son needs for you and your husband to PUSH him into adulthood.

Good luck to you, I feel for you!

i'd evict him legally, that way he'll have an actual move out date stated by the court.
Then be ready to change the locks when the sheriff comes to lock him out.
He's 21, he's gotta get a clue.
You can't be mamby pamby, or he will remain a child forever.
"Do not handicap your children by making life too easy".
Men his age can easily flop on friends couches....His peers will force him into the workplace.

You have not tried EVERYTHING because you are still taking care of him and allowing him to live in your home on his terms.

I agree with the professional about giving him deadline, however, I would give him a deadline of when he has to move and stick to it. He will either have someplace to go or he will have to find a homeless shelter, but either way on that day he is no longer a resident of your home.

You really can't have him "carted away" by police. He hasn't broken any laws. If he won't voluntarily leave, you will actually have to evict him in order to get the police to make him leave the premises.

So, write up a 3 day notice to quit, have someone (not you or hubby) post it on his bedroom door and then in 3 days when he's still there, file an unlawful detainer and move forward from there. This after, of course, giving him a deadline to move on his own.

This situation is not going to change unless you change it so don't expect anything different to happen unless you MAKE it happen.

Why not do what the professional counselor that you paid suggested that you do? Tell him to get a job, pull his weight and be independent by a set date (or go to school for a specific job/trade and take steps to building an independent future or get a job and pay rent while preparing to move out by a set date) or you will change the locks. Tell him you will no longer put up with his disrespect, anger, and stealing. If he steals from you or has angry outbursts, call the police and have him arrested.

Who cares if he's against anyone in a leadership position? None of us is in a situation where someone else doesn't make rules we have to live by...government, bosses,teachers, police, God. If he doesn't learn to respect rules and people in leadership positions, his future is very grim.

At this point, I would give him ONE MONTH to have a job, and to contribute regularly to the household. Once that month is up without any change, I would enroll him in Job Corps or have him enlist in the military... Either would give him the structure and skills he needs to learn to get out on his own, and both get him the heck out of your house. If he refuses, change the locks on your doors and lock him out. He's 21, he needs to take responsibility for his own life.

My brother was like this... he lived off me for almost a year after my parents kicked him out of the house... So I got him to go the Job Corps route. He isn't really successful, but he is able to support himself, so that says something.

You can't "change" people. You can only change YOUR reaction to them and their behavior. So, I have O. suggestion. YOU go to a counselor. Learn about codependency and how to draw boundaries. It might really help. Good luck!

I think the counselor is wise. You may have to do the tough-love thing. You may have to set up the expectations for your son - for instance, he finds a job within thirty days. If he doesn't have a job in thirty days, he's out of your house, no matter what his excuses may be. If he gets a job, he has six months to find another place to live. Whatever his arguments, whatever his excuses, whatever his accusations toward you or anyone else, that's that, and if he gets too angry at you, he can just leave sooner.

I agree with a psychiatric evaluation. The anger business is not random; it's connected to something. Is the boy on drugs? He could be without your knowing it.

You'd like to be on your son's side, but the way really to be on your son's side might be taking action in such a way that he will accuse you of being against him. Don't let your boy manipulate you!

When they're adults, sometimes there isn't a storybook-type happy ending. But a person of adult age who is physically and mentally capable needs to operate as an adult. Let the talking be done. It's not working. Take action and let him have the responsibility, pass or fail.

Yes you have given him every benefit and will continue to and he knows it. The only thing you haven't done is followed through with anything. He has learned that lesson well.

A lot of us react well to the threat of something bad, others not so much. Your son is not reacting to the threat of being kicked out, being homeless, with no way to support himself. Unfortunately the only solution is to actually call the cops and kick him out.

I am lucky my son got his stuff together with the 30 day notice. In part I am sure because he knows when I am quite serious. I am sure in some ways he didn't think he was the kind of guy that does well as a homeless person.

So stop saying you have done everything because you haven't. You haven't taken the advice of the counselor, you haven't kicked him out.

If it isn't clear, you need to kick him out.

Oh, my, I just went and scanned your other questions. Have you considered family counseling? By family I mean all of you, your whole family including your daughter.

You say you have tried everything but have you tried doing what your counselor suggested - to give him a deadline to be independent and if he doesn't accomplish the guidelines, to have the cops cart him off?

As you've discovered, talking til you are blue in the face doesn't work. Action does. You get to choose whether to take action or to continue living like this indefinitely.

I'm so sorry you are going though this, I know it is very difficult. Society thinks "children" should be out bewteen18-21 years. But some are just not ready to leave the nest. Extended childhood I suppose. It sounds like you have a 21 year old male, in a 16 year old's brain. Sometimes when I think people give orders "you have 6 months" for someone who isn't emotionally ready, it is like telling someone "go paint the Sistine Chapel". They can't, you can't. It is just one of those painful things in life you have to deal with like death and dying, car wrecks and cancer.....
I would search out books and any help online to find out why this "Video Game Generation" seems......... not so advanced........... when it comes to flying the nest. He obviously does not feel STRONG enough to be on his own or feel CAPABLE to take care of himself. Heck, maybe he is SCARED of being alone. All of those things at 21 would make me lash out too. One thing I absolutely love is Hypnotherapy. And there are tons of downloadable Hypnotherapy Programs to help with Self Confidence, Motivation, Inner Strength etc...
Inbox me if you need a sympathetic ear :)
~A.

You are going to have to put you and your husband before your son and plan for your retirement. Otherwise he will be accompanying you into your old age.

As for trashing the house. He would have been gone. It costs too much money for things like this to happen to YOUR home. Talking does not work so actions may. Have him removed.

My MIL did this to her granddaughter who was thrown out of her mother's house at 18 because she didn't want to do anything. So grandma feeling sorry for her took her in for a "short time" and she did the same thing with the grandma and she called the police and had her removed. Her lease said a guest could stay for 14 days and that the granddaughter exceeded the time and she had to go. Grandma does not know where she is and is not worried about it. She caused too much trouble and pain.

It will hurt but you will feel good about yourself. We all have to leave the nest sometime.

The other S.

PS I verbally threw my son out. He went down to join the Army and I prepared myself for the day when he would go. Along the way he changed his mind and I told him he needed to go. If he didn't join the Army he was going to leave the house that day and go somewhere else to live. He joined the Army. Several years later he thanked me. It only took me a year to realize that I threw him out.

okay, why does he still live with you? it sounds like you and your husband are just as big, if not bigger, of a problem than your son... i can ASSURE you that i wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior out of my 3 small children, much less an adult! show him the door and tell him to leave. then change the locks and carry on with your life. quit enabling him to act like this, let his problem be HIS PROBLEM.

Tough love is tough on everybody. You've tried everything else. It's time to give him a deadline for being out and if he isn't out, change the locks on the doors.

I doubt that the police will remove him unless you have an eviction order obtained thru the court. Getting one is a process. I suggest you call the courthouse and find out what to do. Then tell your son you are working on evicting him. Then follow thru.

You need to follow through on anything you have told your son. Did you actually set a deadline? If you didn't then your family should sit down and write it all down as far as who is expected to do what and when. That way there is no mistake on what's going on. Your son needs to get take any job out there. He needs to clean himself up and present himself well. Here's the hard part: If he doesn't follow the guideline then you need to stand your ground and follow through.

My 2nd daughter decided not to go to school after high school. Although I didn't support her decision I did support her by making her act like a grown up. Grown ups have jobs to support themselves so she had to find a full time job and pay health insurance. She was never allowed to lounge around the house and this made her figure out pretty quickly that maybe some education would be needed. She lived here rent free while in school. In fact all my kids live here rent free as long as they are in school.

Up until now you've done your son a disservice by allowing him to bum around sponging off you and society. If there are mental health issues then he needs to face them as an adult but if you are letting him slide because of it then you should stop guilting yourself living in the miserable conditions he has brought to your household.

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Time for some tough love. Tell him that he is an adult now and he cannot continue to live in the home if he cannot accept some degree of responsibility (including holding down a job, paying room and board, and helping out with chores and tasks), and he cannot continue to treat you guys with such disrespect. If he is so religious, remind him of the Ten Commandments, particularly the one about honoring his mother and father. Ask him if he really thinks God would want him to live his life this way, and if this is what he thinks God wants for him. He also needs to start seeing a counselor since he apparently has issues with authority and being expected to follow rules and routine. Has he always been like this and it's getting worse? Or did it just start recently? Is it possible he has depression or some form of mental illness? Or has he just never been expected to act like a grown up and accept some grown-up responsibilities? What was discussed when he was graduating high school and what his plans were? Like someone else suggested, maybe joining the military should be an option as well.

Have you tried getting him commited for a psych eval? Now that he is an adult it is not as easy as if he were under 18, but it can be done. Contact your county Social (Human) Services and find out what steps you need to take ---- and do it.
Whn he gets out have him set-up in a half-way house or shelter. Do let him come home.

Have you tried EVERYTHING, including what your counselor suggested? I can't imagine what you must be dealing with as a parent, but at some point you must look at it objectively and put your foot down.

I'm sorry that your family has to go through this.

What would happen if YOU moved out instead? Left him to fend for himself in the house? Does he have a girlfriend at least or is he dating? Sometimes a good girl can spark fire under a guy to get his act together. See if there are some single mingles in the area and if he'd be willing to go. I'm just trying to come up with more ideas since you say you've tried them all. Sorry about your son:(

Hey there, boy I feel your pain. I have an amazing hubby (9 years younger then me) who has 4 boys and lol 3 baby mama's 3 of them are great age 15,19,25 one however has been the thorn to deal with. My youngest is 28 and I raised him much different then my hubbys way. I raised him where we could talk about anything but he was held accountable for his actions and was very very adhd, so lots of counseling, meds etc. I was a tough but loving mom, example he did not change cat littler for 2 weeks of asking so I dumped it on his bed, sounds drastic but it worked. this not so great minding son has lied, manipulated, stolen, you name it and never worked during the 3 different times he has stayed with us.. this last time though we never would have taken him in but there is a grand baby involved and we were so worried about her safety with good reason, they do not watch her nd she is a very bold child, she made it up the stairs with a butcher knife, almost climbed over an upstairs balcony while they slept naked by the way for the world to see.etc. we have encouraged, supported and had it affect our marriage our health and our income, no chores, sleeps all day parties all night.but we finally realized we are not helping him at age 23 and a parent to be a man. so he is to be out on the 20th, we worry about the baby, but are having to get our own finances recovered, and if he does not get it together we will have to seek custody maybe that will get thru to him, he is lucky social services have not taken her so far. good luck!