2 1/2 Year Old Pushing Boundaries ALOT

I find that instead of giving "yes or no" options, if you give her "this or that" options, it takes away a lot of the battles because it gives her some control over her situation. So instead of telling her to get dressed (which gives her the option of either "yes" and staying and doing what you want or "no" and running away), try holding up two outfits and ask her which one she wants to put on. Then she still gets to make a decision, but instead of deciding whether to run or stay, she gets to decide which outfit to wear. I've found with my own kids that if you let them feel empowered in some situations, they're less likely to fight every decision you try to make for them. Also, look for times when she does do what you ask, and gush all over her...at 2 1/2, she'd probably get super excited about getting a sticker or anything small like that. And when you want her to do something like brush her hair and she doesn't, you could say "I guess I get to keep the sticker for myself this time because I brushed my hair"...that might bug her enough to push her into action...lol.

Have you heard of love and logic? I highly reccomend it, there are books and seminars etc. It will give you tools to dealing with this stuff( which is not going to go away, my six year old still refuses to get dresses sometimes!). Time outs so don't work, and do you really have time for that in the morning anyway! Good luck!

Have you tried really listening to her?
It has been my experience that anything I notice in another individual is something that I also need a lesson on. One of the first statements you made "she's not listening well" might suggest that the same is true with you.
I believe that everything we experience in this life is a mirror for us to learn and grow from. Why is your daughter so resistant to changing her clothes? What is about the experience that she doesn't enjoy? It has also been my experience that most children enjoy changing outfits. They enjoy the variety. In fact many parents have the opposite problem...a laundry basket full of clothes that have barely been worn. Are you not letting your daughter enjoy the moment? Are you rushing her through the day? (just some possible questions to ask yourself).

A lot of times it comes down to the child feeling like he or she has no control and therefore they try to take control. Try giving her choices before she becomes resistant, such as: "Do you want to get dressed upstairs or downstairs?" "Do you want to put on your shirt first or pants first?" "Do you want to wear your green shirt or red shirt?" etc. The more choices you give the more she will feel like she has some control and will hopefully be more cooperative. If she doesn't make a choice, don't repeat it just make the choice for her. If that prompts a fuss, then just say "I know, you'll get to choose again next time" and move on.

Good luck!
J.

She sounds like my son about that age -- he really didn't like to transition from one activity/time of day to the next. It helped him if I was able to give him some time to process the change -- stuff like "In 5 minutes it will be time to get dressed" then in 4 minutes a small reminder "one more minute until it's time to get dressed".

She may be reaching the age where she is starting to connect the sequence of events that lead to you being gone for the day. Kids are smarter than we think sometimes and in her mind it could be that she thinks "If I don't get dressed then mom won't leave." Same thing with bedtime -- "If I don't put on my pajamas than I can't go to bed."

I wouldn't use time out when she is voicing her preferences, just let her go with the flow sometimes. When she says "I don't want to get dressed" say "Well, you will certainly look funny in Pajamas at the babysitters, but if that's what you want..." It won't hurt her to go to the sitters in PJs one day or to sleep in her clothes another.

Good luck to you.

You've gotten some great tips, but I had to chime in with what's worked well for us. My son is also quite the spirited little guy and using a lot of the Love and Logic techniques and giving choices as others have mentioned definitely helps - as long as either choice you provide is a suitable option for you! What we've done a lot because my son does have difficulties transitioning activities (dressing, stopping playing, eating dinner, etc) is let him chose when - "Do you want to get dressed now or in 2 minutes?" I have no idea where the 2 minute rule came from for us but it has worked wonders! 99% of the time he chooses the 2 minutes because he knows that buys him some time and it also gives him the time to mentally prepare for the transition without making it drag on forever for me. Then we set the timer and he knows that when it beeps, 2 minutes are all gone and it's time to get dressed. We continue the choices throughout the process - "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the yellow one?" and while it doesn't solve everything, it really has made a big difference. Good luck!!

This is very normal for her age. She's learned that she is secure wih you (you will respond to her needs and you will love her no matter what) and now she is experimenting with a bit of independence. Now, you want to foster that independence without you having to compromise on the rules.

Try giving her two choices you can live with. Instead of just telling her to get dressed (or "would you like to get dressed?"), try "it's time to get dressed now. Would you like to wear ___ or ____?" That way she is getting to make a choice and you're still getting what you want; same with other tasks. Then let her help get herself dressed, but give her all the help she needs. There will be a lot of times that she won't cooperate, so tell her "you can choose or mommy can choose" and if she still doesn't then say "okay mommy will choose for you then." Stay firm and calm and she'll get it, eventually.

As far as time out, if you're using it for her to calm down and she can come out when she's ready, that's fine. Maybe don't call it time out, but 'chill time' or something. When she is in need of discipline for misbehavior, give her a specific place to sit and a specific time - no more than 1 minute for each year of age. She has to sit there for the whole time, then she can come out (I'd use a timer). And yes, don't over use that or it looses effecctiveness.

WHY doesn't she like to change her clothes? Is it the process, the feeling of the clothes...WHY? Perhaps it signals to her separation from you--a very good thing to not want, you know, if you're a good mommy you wee one's should always desire to be with you, maybe you could sympathize a little with her about that while you're changing her clothes.

Also, you can choose to make this a big ol' battle of wills but you do not need to. She's doing what she's supposed to do; boundary check and find her way through the boundaries set. She's not being bad if she expresses displeasure or disagreement; heck, we do it all the time.

You probably want her to go into her room and put her close on by herself with a big ol' grin on her face everso happy to do it. Plus, since you work outside of the home, you're probably really ready for the day to be over and just don't have the wherewithall to want to deal with all these normal little things wee ones do--they do get annoying when you're feeling pressed (BELIEVE ME!! Whew!) however; you can just scoop her up and pleasantly change her clothes, asking where Lily is until her head pops through the top with a big smile and kiss on her forhead as soon as her eyes pass the fabric. This doesn't have to be upsetting to you. Simply decide what's going to be done and do it...she doesn't have to want to, she doesn't even have to actually do it, she's just going to have her clothes changed one way or another with a very determined and pleasant Mommy. You really don't need to get mad or even punish her becuase she doesn't want what you want--she just has to realize that by virtue of you saying it, it's going to happen.

Hi Dena - I know exactly what you mean about them not listening. My little guy does it when he's outside and has to come in, etc. It is really frustrating.

When it's about bedtimes and getting dressed in the morning, often the issue is about needing help making transitions. She has been in play-mode all day - who wants that to end? It is very common and very important especially as she gets closer to entering preschool. Ultimatums such as, "if you dont, I will!" rarely work in the long run because eventually they grow big enough where we simply cant "make them", then we lose our authority.

She is still just 2 1/2 but she sounds like she is pretty verbal which will help you. Verbal and non-verbal cues are the keys to smooth transitions. Verbal cues like "when the clock says 7 0 0, it's pajama-time" or "When Dora is over, it's time for bedtime" Dont forget to acknowledge her positive behavior. "you did a great job coming in and putting on your jammies, now we have time for an extra book - good job!" Something that was really effective for us when my son would do exactly the same thing was to give him consequences about bedtime "we can only read one little book tonight because you chose to play the "run-away" game instead. I like reading books and singing bedtime songs with you better."

I hope that helps you!

EDIT: Just thought of something to make bedtime more fun - a Dora Map. Instead of "bridge, river, grandma's house!" you could have "bathroom, books, nighty-night!"

A friend of mine recently started using a dry erase board- her two year old reads so she can read whats on the "to do" list, but you could just as easily put pictures of things- cut out from magazines or hand drawn on a big chart, with either checkboxes or stickers.
We're using a reward chart on and off with my 3 1/2 year old, who is also very strong willed and spirited- Some days time outs work, and other days its the biggest disaster! So, we alternate; if I notice its a really good day, we talk about doing stickers on the reward chart. Other days for discipline its just time outs. We went back to time outs after about a month of the sticker chart. After that olng it seemes to lose its effectiveness, so now its on and off again. Its probably not very consistent, but the combination seems to do the trick!

I have 3 spirited, strong-willed children myself and have tried lots of different things to address it. Definitely, giving 2 choices you can live with is the most effective. You'll find that she will still try to control the situation by not deciding at times. When that happens, I just give them a little time and then choose for them if they don't choose on their own. They quickly learn that to be in charge, they have to make their choice. Also, it's helpful to give her lots of choices during the day - not just when you need her to do something. I give choices all day long - even when it's not necessary. It just makes them feel like they're in control of a lot of things & I find it makes them feel like they have to make a stand and try to take control less often. Things go more smoothly when I'm consciously doing that. I would also highly recommend the Love & Logic book specifically for kids birth to 6 years. It's an easy read with lots & lots of really helpful hints & examples. Good luck!

This may just be a 2 y.o. being normal (at this age, pushing boundaries is part of their job description), but there might also be an underlying reason. Kids her age aren't good at letting you know why they do what they do, so you may want to do a bit of investigating. Check her clothes, especially her undies, for rough seams, pokey tags, etc. She may not want to put them on because they irritate her. Often the cute appliques that are on so many kids' outfits are sewn on with really rough, scratchy thread. Also check whether her clothes have become too tight around the waist, leg openings, sleeves, or neck.

If the clothes check out, then the problem is that she's being 2. The times you say she is defying you are all transition times. Transitions are tough for little ones sometimes. My son didn't like them at all, and I found that allowing extra preparation time and linking them to things he wanted to do helped some, i.e. "Let's get you dressed so we can go to the park."

This is very, very normal. A developmental stage. I don't personally remember doing a bunch of time-outs here, but I could be completely wrong. (I had one energetic/wild child and two calm children.) I do remember planning everything carefully around naps and eating, so that she wouldn't be hungry or tired when we went to Target, etc.

Lots of love and patience and gentle instruction. They sound adorable!

Quick--get your hands on a copy of "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." It's in cheap paperback and probably at your library. No mental games, no tricks, no punitive manipulation or coercion, just basic ways to keep the drama out of your relationship with your children. Honestly, I think the info in that book saved my children's lives. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Really really really. ;)
I also liked "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" and "The Discipline Book" a lot, but "How to Talk" is the gold standard sanity-saver. Best wishes.

She is asserting her independence! We have three strong willed girls that are now 19, 14, and 12.

At that age they really wanted to have their own choices so instead of the fight I would allow them the choice of two things. "It's time to get dressed. You can wear this or this, which would you like to wear today?" Or we can put your hair in a pony tail or a half pony, which would you like today?" It even works well if they are picky eaters.

Make sure you can deal with the choices you give her. This keeps building in the years to come until they are able to make good choices on their own.

You and I are on the same boat sister. My 2yr old girl is very strong-willed and has a very defined personality and was doing the same thing about a month ago. I read love and logic (so recommended) and I figured out that all she wanted was to choose her clothes in the morning. I got smart and arranged her clothes so they would match (the first 2 pants in the drawer with the first two shirts)and quickly was able to give her the two choices She also wanted to choose her shoes. It has worked! we don't have the 20 minute tantrums in the morning anymore. At night she just wanted to re-arrange her routine, so we had a chart of things to do before night night time and we check them off every night. Again, she just wanted to be independent and do it herself. I think it came about around the time we started pushing the "big girl" angle with potty training and pacifier...now everything is done like be girls do it. Hope it helps!

I have found routines work well for two and three year olds.

I also use the when then , when you get dressed then we get to turn on your show, so we can do your hair, and if that show is over there is no tv while we do her hair. If she is dressed sooner she gets to watch a till her show is on and over. You could also use a DVD and the clock, but with the tv the show is gone if she was too slow getting dressed.

As she gets bigger you can have a list of two then three then four things that need to be done before the show comes on. Eat, brush teeth, get dressed, make bed, etc.

I have been a nanny for 10 years now and this is one of the parenting styles that work best for me.

I also save time out for disrespect, biting, etc, and I give the child the control of when they come out. When you are ready to use soft touches you can come back and play with us. If they repeat offense then they go back to time out to calm down again.

Just stay consistent, let her know the boundaries are there, and she will feel more secure.

S.
mother to Kai
www.ChangingStores.info

It's typical of children that age to try to control their life, but you have to help them. They need to know there are things that have to be done and there is no changing that. Be consistent & firm. I have been through that with 2 kids, going through it right now with 1 kid & still have 1 more to go through it with in the future. Good luck!

Make it a GREAT day!

S.

My 8 year old has always been a strong willed child and I honestly have never seen another kid rush headlong at the boundaries repeatedly like she does! Sadly, I can't say it's gotten better with time.

With mine, I use "Tickety" (the timer). I give her some specific time (15 minutes) to get dressed, but it has to be done by the time Tickety rings or (fill in punishment - I DO swat if the need arises, but prefer to remove a toy or somthing like that working my way to the swat as a last resort.)

Kids can't argue with Tickety. Well, I guess they CAN, but I've not seen one do so. Using Tickety removes YOU from the equation - now it's between Tickety and your daughter. If mine complains, I just say "Tickety is going" and she usually freaks for a few seconds and then gets down to business.

I love Tickety - and would happily suggest her to anyone who is having this kind of issue.

Whatever you do, good luck. I know it's frustrating when your kids fight you over seemingly silly things!

yes, you are overusing time-out. your daughter is behaving completely normally for a 2 year old - remember the saying "terrible twos?" Instead of punishing her, she needs to be taught alternative behaviors - she won't learn better ways to behave by being put in time-out all the time. In fact, time-out will lose its effectiveness by being overused. Time out should be saved for the most serious offenses - hitting, biting, lying, destroying property, etc.

You might want to get a good parenting book like Love & Logic. I love the suggestion someone else made to set a timer for your daughter, but you can try other techniques, like presenting her with choices - do you want to wear this shirt or this shirt? first we get dressed and then we play, etc. Also, you need to ignore your daughter's diversionary tactics as much as possible - if she runs away, she is trying to engage your attention in a negative way - don't chase her, scold her or reason with her. Just be sure she isn't watching TV, playing with toys or talking to you. She can get dressed or be ignored.

good luck.

Get a egg timer. Set the timer and tell her directly "you have until the timer goes off to get dressed yourself, if you do not I will dress you myself!!!" "If I have to dress you then you will lose a priviledge today"..mean it, stick to it and be consistent. Maybe take 10 minutes off of bedtime, take a favorite toy away for half the day, whatever works. Then she has a timer to live by, she knows how much time she has and she has control over it. This worked wonders for my daughter getting ready for school in the mornings. I would set the timer on the microwave and tell her that is how long she had to get ready or she would be going to school with yucky teeth, messed up hair and her jammies! Let it be on her. I tell my kids all the time " I know you don't want to but it has to be done, it is a matter of who is going to do it now and if you are going to lose_______if I have to do it". Keep calm no power struggle, be direct with your instruction and she can either do it or be in trouble.

Don't punish with time outs unless she flat out disrespects you then it is about you do not talk to mommy like that or tell me "No". Set the timer and walk away.

Have a consequence that is duable for her behavior. Give her to the choice, you can either get dressed now or you will not go to the park! Period. End of story. If she whines ignore her, tell her you will not respond when she talks to you like a baby, to be a big girl!
My kids were chart kids, I could put up a chart with the things that were expected to be done daily and they got a smiley if they did them nicely or a frown if not and then at the end of the week/month they got a reward for their good faces if they outnumbered the frowns!
Hugs, just be consistent, don't argue with her and put it back on her how her day goes. I even still say to my almost 8 year old "you can have a good day or a bad day, up to you, you know the rules and it is entirely up to you how the day plays out!"

This is a terrible time, I know oh so well. I hate to tell you but three was a harder age for me. I think that she is just putting her control to use that she just found out that she has. A lot of times it is the way that the situation is presented to the child. When it is time for my son to get up and get dressed I just say, "I need your help picking out your clothes." Then I just tell him what a good choice he made. He loves it and it makes him feel so important. When he doesn't want to hold my hand in the parking lot I just say that I need him to keep me safe in case the cars don't see me. When it is time to get his teeth brushed I just tell him that he should hurry so we have time to read a longer book. The fact that they want to exercise their control is actually a good thing. Sometimes the challenge is getting them to control it. It is only bigger situations in the teenage years and so it is good to get used to it now. When my son refuses to be good I remind him that I will give him three seconds to do what I ask or he will be in serious trouble. It usually works for him and gives me time out to think.