My 2.5 Year Old Refusing Obey

May I suggest Love and Logic. Please visit their web site and they have awsome parenting tips. This program is used nation wide. I am the owner of CP Preparatory School and I always refer to this site. Hope this helps.
D. Patterson owner of cp prep school in mesquite

You are focusing a lot on her disobeying - Could you try to focus on the things she is doing right and give her lots of praise for those? (I'm aware that this isn't easy, but will eventually pay off!) I disagree strongly with the swatting (sends the wrong message - that we deal with problems with violence!) - Time-outs should be one minute per age - and the longer time-outs don't really seem to be working - If you know what she likes the most - in terms of toys or priveleges-you can take those away - but, more importantly, she is getting lots of attention for the "bad" behavior and probably likes that (children love attention - even if it is negative!)- Maybe it would be better to say little about the inappropriate things she is doing wrong! Good luck - I know this isn't easy!

This is definitely a stage, I guess most call it terrible twos. A couple of things that might help are a good daily schedule and also giving choices or options. Only give 2 things to chose from, such as do you want to sit down and eat now or after we read a book. She will feel like she's in charge and at the same time you will still be enforcing the sitting at the table rule. Kids this age like to be in control of there own lives and sometimes choices help them feel like they are. For bath time maybe you can give her the choice of which toy she would like to bring in the bath with her or which towel she would like to use when she gets out, any simple choice might help. As for the running in the street, I suggest squatting down and telling her eye to eye BEFORE you go outside that if she runs in the street she will have to play inside for the rest of the day. You can also help her draw a line with sidewalk chalk to mark her boundaries, again, she will feel somewhat in control and will also have a good visual aid to help her remember. You might even draw a new line each time you go outside.

My daughter is 4 years old and very very strong willed. We started having problems with her "obeying"when she was 2. I found that giving her CHOICES at that age worked very well. When children are that little they DO NOT understand rationalization ie...if you do that you will lose this toy. They can't conceptualize things. You need to be very concrete in your plan. For example, lay out 2 choices of shirts, pants, panties, socks and shoes. She chooses and you let her even if you cringe at the thought of her wearing that lime green top with those cherry print pants. Then you give her 2 choices for breakfast. If she wants something other than the choices you have provided you say "I'm sorry that wasn't a choice. Your choices are..." As for time outs, what worked best for us at that age was designating a "naughty spot" (got it from supernanny). We picked the bottom step of our stairs. That way I could keep an eye on her and there was absolutely NOTHING fun for her to do. The general rule of thumb is 1 minute for each year they are. Your daughter's time out time would be 2 minutes. Then, what we started doing is when time out is over you get down on your daughter's level and look her in the eye. say "you got a time out because you disobeyed mommy, that is not acceptable. I need you to say you're sorry" We always tell our daughter that we love her after any punishment. We save spankings for big things ie running out into the street, lying, disobeying after getting a time out. Your daughter is not bored, she's two. Start giving her choices and concrete, consistent punishments and you'll see a change.

Okay girl, two things have worked for us a great deal....

The first of the two that I would suggest getting plugged into asap is Love and Logic. IF you are struggling with spanking, listen to that instinct and find other tools to use. I don't know where you live, but I know a McKinney ISD school is hosting a free class this next Tuesday and the following one on Love and Logic, it may be a good intro for you. We also bought the kit for early childhood off their website, as well as the Painless Parenting DVD...so they offer a lot of resources to you. If you want to contact some other instructors of classes; email me so I can attach the excel sheet on all instructors in TX.

We also have leaned on Dr. Harvey Karps "Happiest Toddler on the Block" (the DVD). The book is hard to understand what he saying, so the DVD is a quick course on it. I still use these techniques with my 3 year old and 2 year old.

Hang in there, the one thing that I love about Love and Logic is the emphasis to take care of me and how to read myself and what to do....important these days when we mommies don't have anyone looking out for us. If you take care of you using these techniques, you won't feel like you're loosing control.

Don't hesitate to contact me....we have to support each other.

____@____.com if want the love and logic instructors.

I have that same child. We learned quickly that our daughter needed boundries and also choices so she could feel in control of some things. Choice of outfit, choice of panties, choice of toothbrush. "do you want this one, or this one?" Good Luck!

Like so many others here I have this child, too. Only mine is now 5. I agree with a lot of the other responses I read, but what worked better than anything for me was to KEEP things from becoming a battle by trying to always give her a choice. When we were getting dressed in the morning "would you like the red shirt or the pink shirt" (very limited options but I gave her a choice as to what to wear rather than arguing that it was time to get dressed). Or "would you like bubbles in your bath or no bubbles" (rather than trying to convince her it was bath time I just eliminated the argument about having a bath by giving her some control over what happened IN the bath).

I hope that makes sense. My daughter was in full time day care while all of this was going on so while I think socialization is a good thing I doubt it will eliminate your problem. But the good news is that it does get easier. Mine is still very strong-willed, but it does get easier. Strong-willed children make great leaders later in life! Good luck!!

We are currently working with our fifth toddler, and it's still challenging. :) Our beliefs have changed greatly through the years. With our first toddlers, I turned everything into an "obedience issue" and ended up requesting way too much out of them. The very best parenting tool I've found so far is "Parenting With Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. We were always fighting a battle with our son getting to bed. We'd say, "Time for bed!" and he'd say "no." After this amazing book, we starting saying, "Would you like to walk to bed, or would you like us to carry you?" He would answer "walk." I still can't believe how helpful it's been to just turn requests into choices.
It's not as simple as that, I know, but we have found that our youngest son needs a bit of control over his life. We can offer him choices, and he still feels like he can have some say.

C.,

I have to agree with Libby and Laura. I am the mother of 2 grown children (21 and 19) and a 11 mth old. Of course times are way different then when I had my two oldest children (issues on spanking, etc.). However, i will tell you I will not do any different with my baby then I did with my oldest two. When I had my two older children my uncle, a child psychologist, gave me the best parenting advice I could have received. I used it daily and I intend to do so again with my baby. He told me that children MUST have bounderaries. They look to us to provide that. If they are not taught bounderaies then they grow up as adult with expectations that dont mesh in the real world. he told me to always remember when disciplining my children to always follow a negative with a positive. But most importantly, he said that spanking was okay as long as you followed the rule of thumb...the first swat was for the child anything after that was for the parent. I never forgot that!!! I never swatted my children more then once. It gave me the opportunity to get their attention and explain to them what they were doing wrong and what my expectations were. Of course, my son was a little harder to persuade and sometimes he may have to be reminded several times throughout the day. But the result was exactly what i was looking for. My children NEVER EVER talked back, told me they hated me, or were rude to other people. My teenagers grew up with a level or respect for me (and I was a single mother) that has been very rewarding to watch. They will tell you today that they had just enough fear to not do certain things because they knew they would have to face me.

C. my point is that parenting is HARD! Don't beat yourself up about your parenting skills. You can only do the best you can. But, I will say that by not spanking (I shoiuld say swatting because spanking to me means more than one swat) is just what your child needs for her to learn that you are in control not her. Trust what Libby says you will be glad you did so when she is 13!!! You can't get control at that age.

I always gave my kids choices too on certain situations. Some things were just not negotiable. But, that is life isn't it?? Good luck!

this may very well be a stage and then again could be something that you will battle for many years. Only you and your husband will be able to keep it from becoming a situation where you lose control and she rules what she does. Discipline is the key but you have to be consistant. And that can be very hard to do. Do not give in! Continue until she finally breaks down and does what you have asked of her. Sometimes the discipline can be as simple as she doesn't get her way. She is probably always going to be strong willed and in a lot of ways that can be a great thing in certain situations when she gets older. I have an almost 13 yr. old and she is a very strong willed person. When she was younger we had a lot of battles to overcome. But I have seen it happen too many time before if you give in to her (even once)at this age she will learn that if she just keeps pushing and throws a big enough fit or holds out just long enough you will back down. She will learn that she may have to endure a punishment but with strong willed children they can take the discipline as long as they get out of doing what it is they didn't want to do. You might hear some people say "Pick your battles". That's fine when you don't have a child that bucks you on everything you want them to do. But with a child that is defiant you can't do that. Most strong willed children are very smart and learn things very quickly. You don't want her to learn that she can eventually be the one calling the shots if she just stands her ground. You and your husband have to be the ones who stand your ground, EVERYTIME! Pray a lot! You cannot do this on your own. Ask God to give you wisdom, strength, and patients. He tells us if we ask, we will recieve. Good luck!

Dear C.,
I am a Mom and Montessori guide for 2 1/2 - 6 year olds. You cannot tell a child what to do and have them like it. I'm sure you don't like being told what to do. But you can empower her with choice. "Would you like to wear this shirt or this shirt?" You may also show her HOW you do something by doing it your self, such as running in the yard and stopping at the sidewalk and saying, "I don't go past here because it is not safe." Repeat these actions often and she will soon be copying you and repeating you like a parrot. Show her how, exactly, you eat and sit by doing it in front of her and then tell her the limit or rule, "We sit down to eat, we stand up when we are done." Make a little song out of it. If she gets up, take her food away off the table. You merely enforce the rule or limit, not the child. Children of this age do not respond to punishment. She needs to be shown by your actions, not words. There are usually Montessori at home or theory books at 1/2 price books and a lot of literature to read online. They love routine and will not question taking a bath if it always happens in the same order every night, dinner, stroll, brush teeth, bath, book. They have no concept of time until 6-7 years. Question yourself, "Do you not want her to touch the fragile object because she is a baby and you expect her to break it, or do you want to trust her as an intelligent human and show her how you touch it?" peace, K.

Does she watch television at all? Because when I take away Television...even if it is for one 30 minute show...from my lil girl she is like a completely different person (in a good way). My daughter went through lots of things that made me want to pull out my hair. I never put her to bed earlier but i would refuse to sing her twinkle twinkle (her bedtime song) or read her a story. She would throw a fit...and i would tell her in a calm voice, "if you would like to have those again you should listen to me when i tell you to get into bed. (or whatever she had done wrong at that time) Have you given her choices in what she can pick? When my little one was her age, I always picked out 2 outfits she could choose from...or two different things to eat...always giving the child a choice from two safe things. There are a number of shop and drop places that you should try as well. Perhaps you two need a little time apart. Sounds like you need a little you time to chill on your own, and then you might not be so frustrated. I know that helps me out big time! I hope this helps...just be consistent...it is easy to give in when you are frustrated.

Have you read "Parenting With Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay? There are also classes that you should be able to find locally (I've done both). It teaches natural consequences for the kids--puts it back on them. It has opened up a totally new way of life and you are in a great position to start early!

I'm delighted to see that several Moms have already recommended Love and Logic! My husband and I completely agree with them! Choices and consequences with empathy will change your life!! They have a free email you can receive weekly that includes a discount on some item of theirs. If you call their phone line, an actual person will answer and help you too! Knowing we will never get around to reading the books, my hubbie and I bought some of their CDs and have listened to them in our cars during commutes, etc. (not while the kids are with you...)

Please know that your frustration, changing voice tone, reddening of face, etc. are all very entertaining (as infuriating as that is for YOU) to your young child. As L&L says, everything's an experiment with a young child and getting to you shows them "I can control Mom!"

Sounds like you are talking about my daughter!
It is easy to give others advice than to enforce it in your own, so when I am done writing, I will read it for myself...
Dobson is an excellent author! The New Dare to Discipline is a book well worth reading, and I am in the process of doing so. Also, Gary Ezzo's Child Wise is a book with a more defined plan of action.
Taking from my own mind, what I have learned from others:
1. Clearly tell your child what is expected of them before hand.
2. Let the punishment fit the crime. ie, swat for a defiant (sp?) no, and a time out for lack of self control (which is to be expected at this age.)
3. Stick to it, kids respond best to consistency. Once you give it, they will expect it again, and they will do what it takes.
4. Be sure she is getting enough sleep, maybe 8pm-7am and one 2 or 3 hour nap per day.
5. Do not give her food choices. If shed doesn't eat, then she will be hungry for the next meal or snack that you provide.
6. Plan to leave a public place when she gets out of hand. If you plan a time or two, to have to do this, it makes it easier...for example, go to the mall knowing in your mind that you will have to leave early. If she throws a big fit over something leave the mall; go straight home and limit privileges...she will probably learn after just one (maybe two) times.
Hope some of this helps to give you ideas...I will read it, and try to start doing it in my home as well.
Take Care! ~ K.
PS-if you are near Bedford, or central Arlington, I know of MDO programs that are good.

Just wanted to tell you, I just took a kind of parenting class. It's Love and Logic (more of a conference)and he (Dr. Jim Fay) explained that children really DO enjoy getting the parents frustrated and angry. One of the main "techniques" is staying completely unemotional during discipline. Just acting like they are super easy to deal with and can't get the best of you no matter what. MUCH easier said than done, but I'm hoping w/lots of practice I'll get it!! I know mine get even more wound up if I show how crazy I'm feeling. Look at their website, think you'll like it and it doesn't even require spanking. I'm still very new to it, but it's just basic common sense and really working on preparing them for the real world!! There is a lot more to it and some great advice so check it out. www.loveandlogic.com
I just read over some of the responses so I guess this is just more of the same! :)

This is so funny for me to read this cause my daughter who will be 3 in may acts the same way!! In the morning when getting her dressed she is just so busy playing or dancing or doing something else that she does not want to get dressed or acctually this happens anytime she needs to get dressed, so I have been telling her for awhile that "fine i am leaving and you can stay here by yourself!" I get my keys and act like i am going to walk out the door, of course i would not leave her but she does not know that, she will then start saying no, no, no and start running toward me and then I tell her "well then get dressed we have got to go or I am leaving!!" it has been working for the past few months. But I think every kid goes through this at this age and I have heard that the 3's get worse. I mean really, how can it get anyworse than this. but I guess it does and will find out here pretty soon. Our daughter has a bad habit of telling us "NO" and sometimes we will tell her that you dont tell us no and other times she goes to timeout. I have not found anything that really works, I just think we all have to be patient at the age, or we will pull our hair out. Good luck to you!! I feel for you!!

I too had at least one strong-willed child, who is now in her 30s. A friend gave me a booklet that speaks to the consistency and discipline that parents must have in order to train their children. One thing that I remember vividly is that you must get on the child's actual level (get in their face, so to speak) and make absolutely sure that you have her undivided attention when you tell her to do something. Then if she does not obey you have to follow through immediately with the discipline you have already outlined to her. We spanked our girls and this booklet give biblical basis that made sense to us. The booklet is still available: Under Loving Command - formerly Children-Fun or Frenzy? By Al and Pat Fabrizio. It did help us -- when we remained consistent.

MDO has been such a blessing! Please try it! And, remember, she will turn four someday! Take a deep breath and hold strong, she needs consistancy.

Hi C.,

I am currently reading a book that may help. It is The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin. A lot of what he has to say is connecting with me and I think it would work for you also. It is a point/sticker system that focuses on and rewards positive behavior. In doing so the bad behavior shows up less and less until it is gone. There is so much more to it than that so I encourage you to go to your local library and check it out. I have another book that was given to me by my pastor's wife just yesterday and I plan on reading it next. It is called Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel.
Please know that you are not alone and that there is help out there. My husband and I are battling with our 8 year old son about arguing when told to do something or not doing things right away and we have to ask multiple times before he will comply. It is very frustrating so I hope I have helped you in some way.

C.

I have 3 kids and each one of them was very different. My younger 2 are only 14 months apart and have a.d.d.. The one thing I learned is to pick your battles. Give her a choice on the little things like what to wear or what to eat. Let her know how hurt you feel when she miss behaves. Tell her that she is hurting your heart or that she hurt your feelings when she has done something bad so she gets the idea that it is not funny.
It does sound like she is bored but it also sounds like she knows what buttons to push and how far she can go.
As for the disipline try to find some thing that works the best then make sure that you stand your ground when she is in trouble. Changing the way you disipline all the time may be confusing her. On my oldest all I had to tell her is that "Jesus is watching you" AND SHE WOULD STOP WHAT SHE WAS DOING. BUT ON THE OTHER TWO WE USED THE TIME OUT CHAIR OR WE WOULD GROUND THEM FROM THE ONE TOY THEY LIKED THE MOST. IF IT WAS SOMETHING REAL BAD WE WOULD SWAT THEM 3 TIMES WITH OUR BARE HAND ON THEIR BOTTOM.
AFTER WARDS TRY TALKING TO HER IN A CALM VOICE ABOUT WHAT SHE DID WRONG AND REINFORCE THE FACT THAT YOU STILL LOVE HER.
MOST OF THE TIME WHEN MY SON GOT IN TROUBLE HE DIDN'T REMEMBER WHY HE WAS UNTILL WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

I am a mother of 4 children ranging from age 2-7. I know exactly how you feel! I have found that offering a rewards system helps. What you offer to her just depends on what she likes. For example, my 2 year old loves stickers. So I purchased a book of stickers and I show her how proud I am by giving these to her when she listens. I always make it a huge deal when she does listen because she loves the response. When she doesn't listen I just remind her that she wont receive her reward. This really does work for me and I hope it can help you...

I empathize with your frustration with your wonderful 2.5 year old. It has been a long time for me. My grandchildren are now older than your daughter. I have a few suggestions that you might consider. If we think of teaching/training our children in terms of discipline, rather than punishment, that directs us into thinking creatively about what actions will move us toward the outcomes we want. In other words, actions that more closely fit the misbehavior than using "one size fits all" punishment of spanking, yelling, grounding etc. Spanking can be useful in a few select situations, I believe, but for most of our training of our children, I think other methods work better for our overall goals for our children. If our goal is to raise our children into happy, well-adjusted, caring, responsible, capable adults, physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually, WHILE maintaining a loving relationship with them, then I think we might want to think in terms of discipline, rather than punishment. Discipline connotes decipleship, teaching; while punishment brings to mind might or power, especially if the punishment is in the form of hitting--"I must see that you feel pain in order for you to learn the correct behavior".

Another sort of overriding thing to remember is how children move through their stages of physical and emotional development. Around 2 years of age, children begin their first displays of behavior designed to help them ultimately separate from their parents. Hopefully they are able to grow up and leave us without too much trauma. Babies and small children are totally dependent on us. The process of separating successfully is a long one. I see the 2's and the teens (the second major separating stage) not as rebellion, but as evidence that they are on track developmentally. If they always "idolize" us, leaving home will be traumatic. Some kids go through these periods relatively smoothly, and others go through painfully and I believe we, as parents, can have great influence on which way they progress through these important stages of development.

Another concept that was useful to me in raising my children and in working with the parents during my career is the principle of natural and logical consequences of behavior. Natural consequences are those that will be in place without our having to do anything. If a person goes outside in cold weather without a jacket, they will get cold. Logical consequences are those that are put in place by someone in charge (parents) and they match or relate to the particular form of misbehavior. These are sometimes tough to devise for parents because we need to have thought them through before the behavior happens and it is not useful for us to use logical consequences when we are angry--our behavior can be misinterpreted by the child as "mean" rather than "loving and teaching". Logical consequences, to be successful, must be used consistently and firmly (not angrily, coldly). An example of a logical consequence might be: "Your behavior is inappropriate (and yes, a 2 year old will learn quickly what inappropriate means) and you must be in time-out in order to think about a better way to act (you may state specifically what the behavior was and should be)". Twenty minutes is too long in time-out for a 2.5 year old; more like 2.5 minutes, with the statement, "Let's try again." Statements such as that at the end of a time-out, send a message to the child that you believe they are growing. changing, and learning correctly. Patience for parents in one of our greatest challenges throughout their childhood. Especially after a sort of "power struggle" has developed.

Also, giving children choices between 2 things, both of which are OK with the parent helps a child feel the appropriate amount of autonomy for their age. "Do you want to take a bath now or when the timer buzzes (in 5 minutes)?" "Do you want to wear this shirt or that one?" "Do you want to pick up your toys by yourself or do you want me to help you?" "Do you want me to kiss you goodnight now or in 5 minutes when the timer buzzes?" "Do you want this for a snack or that?"

There are two books that were written some years ago that deal really well with the concepts stated above. The oldest is by Dr. Rudolph Dreikers: Children: The Challenge and a later one by Matthew McKay (who was Dreikers' student): Raising Responsible Children. Both, much like the Bible, are old, but still very applicable to our lives as human beings and as parents. Good luck to you. I applaud you for reaching out in your frustration with your endeavor to be an effective parent. God bless you.

Sounds like you could benefit from Love & Logic. It's a parenting style where you give LOTS of choices (great for strong willed children) along with logical concequences. They have a website where you can order books, CDs, or videos to help and their books are varied depending on the age of your child. Your best bet would be to call their 800 number, tell them the problems you are having and the age of your child and they'll be able to recommend the appropriate books.

On another note, my daughter was the same way, fairly compliant until around 2. I felt like I had to really stay on here to behave/obey all the time until she realzied that I was boss and I was serious. Choices always seem to help like "do you want to wear this or this" you give 2 choices that you can live with. If she doesn't choose, you choose for her. Stay consistant and keep it up because you'll reap the benefits of that. If you give up you'll end up with the kid that no one wants to be around!

Good luck!

I am a mother of 4, one soon to be 19, one 17 (both boys) and then a girl 10 and a girl that is 2. Not that I consider myself a professional in anyway, however I will say I have experience with 4 different types of behaviors.lol and they are all so different. One thing I will start out with is let your yes mean yes and your no mean no. Otherwise you will confuse her. I did however go through that exact thing with my second son. It was a constant battle and very frustration. I learned only one thing that worked. Ignoring the behavior. If he threw a tantrum, I would say let me know when you are done and walk away. I stopped letting myself get drawn in to his behavior. If he through a fit and didn't want to get dressed, fine I put his clothes on the bed and said no bye bye until your dressed. The rest of us would walk right out the door and play kick ball or something. lol He would cry staring out the window then I would come back in and say are you ready now? lol he also learned to dress himself real fast. I also used the, "well ok thats fine but I guess that means you can't have or do (what ever favorite food or activity). I learned that if I didn't allow him to get a negative reaction out of me, he stopped trying. Unless I was giving encouragment or love, I was a blank page. Mind you this is after about 7 months of constant fighting with my own child. I praised him for every good thing he did or over came. My first son was so easy and different then that. The only time a would swat my second son on the bottom is if he got down right disrespectful, I would swat his bottom and then place him in his room. I would tell him what it was he did wrong and that it was not nice. Then walk out of the room. I did also find that he loved the outdoors. And I made sure he was out there as much as possible with as many activities as possible. Good luck!

C.,
I am the mother of six girls. Youngest is 3 mos. old. I don't know if this will help you any, but I had a similiar problem with my fifth daughter...now four years old. Time, Time, Time. For my little Olivia, this made the biggest difference in her defiant behavior with me. I had to stop reacting, and start acting. My little girl also seemed to get joy out of my getting upset and would also laugh at me. This one little thing has been a huge factor in our relationship. Turning off the phone, locking the doors (so friends can't abruptly stop by) and playing for a half hour just with her. And then, include her in everything you are doing at home. Including cooking. I have found that the more I empower Olivia the more in control she feels and the more cooperative of a spirit she gains. Instead of using "telling words" I have had to be more creative and using "asking words" to basically manipulate her into doing what I want. She of course thinks it is her idea. They are at that age, where any attention is good attention, even if it is bad. The more you react, the more she wins. I know this will take every bit of your patience as I thought I would lose it many times, and in fact had. Good luck to you and keep me posted.

I always said that the "Terrible Twos" were nothing and the closer they got to 3 and the 3s in general were so hard. They are testing limits and testing who is in control.

Supernanny has great ideas in her book and show, you may want to check it out. Time outs should really be about one minute per year they are old.

Most importantly, stick with your plan of action and no wavering, it gives her the upper hand. She must know the expectations ahead of time and the consequences.

I agree about offering choices...for example:

Here are two outfits for the day, chose the one you want to wear. Nothing else is an option. No choice or battle, then the already discussed consequence is put into effect.

Nothing worked for my (now 10 years old) daughter, except three things...time outs, take away tv time, and her blanket. Different consequences for different offenses.

I do know it can be hard to stick with it when the battles get fierce, but you can do and it and she'll begin to know who is the boss.

Good luck and know you're not alone!

I feel your pain. I also have a strong willed DD and had another child 20 mos later. I found that despite my plans to keep her home with me until 3.5, I found that starting her in preschool has helped immensely. Having the structure of similar aged peers and a daily routine, as well as a break from me, seems to give her more persective on that fact that she doesn't "rule the world." We still get occasional refusal but now she models techniques she learns in school such as lining up and taking turns,etc. I hope this helps!

C., my husband and I use Growing Kids God's Way. It is an eighteen week class and focuses on building the family identity, consistency in parenting and discipline (as in self control). Even now, when my daughter is acting out or losing control, I ask, "Am my parenting consistently?" Good luck.

OMG I have been going through the exact same thing with my son! Ever since about that age too! I finally realized that I really had to take the hardline with him to get him to understand that it was not a game. Especially when it becomes a safety issue.

It was made crystal clear to me one day in November, when I was at Walmart, we were leaving and he took off toward the doors and the parking lot at a full gallop! I screamed at him to stop, and he thought it was funny! My blood pressure shot up and I fainted right after that. I ended up in the hospital and they found out I have Pulmonary Hypertension. I can't take that kind of stress.

Don't let her defiance get to that point. The last thing you both need is for someone to get hurt because she thinks its all a big game. She HAS to learn that when you say stop, she has to STOP. She has to learn to listen to Mommy and obey. My son is learning that the hard way, because I have had to begin being extremely firm and using The Mommy Voice, and spanking his bottom or slapping his hand. Not enough to truly hurt him, just enough to cause some sting or to really get his attention. I hate doing it, I don't like hitting, but it has to be done for him to understand that Mommy isn't playing.

I've had some success and things are getting better. He still pushes the boundaries and I'm sure she will too, but you have to stick with it and be consistent.

Good Luck. Spirited children are a challenge but they are so worth it too!

Try "The Happiest Toddler on the Block". Or any of the books reccommended so far. I don't think any one book will give you all the answers, but they will give you new tools to work with. At very least, you'll have a new perspective.

Try reading "Love & Logic" (loveandlogic.org). There is even a toddler version of the book! Love & Logic is a way of talking to your child and consequences are logical ("I'm so sorry you decided not to get dressed, now we can't go to the park" or "Fighting with you has just made me to tired to get you a cookie." You are also teaching your child choices "Do you want to wear outfit 1 or outfit 2?, no that is not todays choice." "Do you want to leave in 3 minutes or 5" (said 5 minutes before you want to go!) Read the book - its fabulous. PS: She's not bored - she's in control. Who wouldn't want that!

When I read the fact that she seems to get enjoyment out of your frustration I though. Aha! I reccommend reading 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan. It's a short book wtih great ideas. One of the things it talks about is how powerless kids are in life so when they get a rise out of you, they feel powerful. Even if you're upset, that's still a powerful reward for them. So getting upset doesn't work. Soon spanking won't work either. Check it out. See if it work for you. It does for my strong willed 4-y-o.

Maybe she is seeking love and and attention instead of punishment. Chirdren this age don't seek anything other than attention. I suggest you hold her more and give her a feeling of sense of security and belonging so that she does not act so defiant. Also, I want you to know that children are only our own mirror, perhaps she has a massege in her behavior she is trying to get across so instead of trying to do something that causes more frustration, my suggestion is just BE there for her and give her love and attention, hopefully that would work for you.

Best of luck,

S.

1 question i would ask is if you are allways busy cleaning watchin soaps readin makin crafts etc. if so she is actin out for your attention, spankin is just that spankin not a beating there is a difference and some children do not respond to time out no matter how much time out you give, and you may be expecting more of her than she is capable of at this age we are bad about trying to make them into little grown ups to make our life easier but mom is a title of great importantance it is our job to be there for them, if you are not busy giving her plenty of play time with you, spankin may be the only way to get her attention. a friend of mine once told me god made the palm of your hand just the right size for that little buttock use it. take her out more also practice her behavior in public also, take her to church everywhere with you, you can try moms day out but sometimes this makes them worse as they try things they see other kids do but you cannot keep them from others forever you have to let them have friends and play so they learn to get along with others also god bless if you have a rocker use it once in a while when you read stories etc.

Hi - Seriously get to a Love & Logic class. We are doing one right now and it is really working with our child. It takes a little practice, but it leaves you feeling so much calmer and your child feeling empowered.

The other thing I did that really worked well was making a behavior/reward system, because spanking was just not working at all for her. I just made a chart (with my daughter's direct input!) that went from Red, Yellow and Green for increasingly bad behavior and then we added Purple above Green (her choice) for very good behavior and Pink (her favorite color) for VERY, VERY good behavior. Then I made a 2 sticker charts (one with 10 flowers and one with 5 bigger squares). Everyday we start on Green for good behavior (because you are expected to be good!). Then, if we have a very good morning, she gets to move her marker (clothespin) to Purple. And, if she has a good afternoon/evening, she gets to move her marker to Pink. Any bad behavior causes the marker to be moved down ONE color. (Hubby has a hard time with this! He always threatens to move her to Red immediately when she is being defiant.) The marker can move up and down during the day, so she can still "get to Pink" by improving her behavior if she's been "bad". At the end of the day, she gets stickers (2 for Pink, 1 for Purple, 0 for Green (because good behavior is expected) and 0 for Yellow (which is a Warning color). If she gets to Red at any time during the day, she automatically loses a sticker right away.) When she gets 10 stickers (fills up the center of each of the flowers) she gets to choose a "prize" from a bag we filled with $1.00 Store toys that she picked out). She also gets a big sticker to put on her other chart (her "Chuck E Cheese" chart). As soon as she fills up that chart with her 5 stickers (for 50 Purple days or 25 Pink days), she gets a trip to Chuck E. Cheese or Peter Piper Pizza or some other place to eat and play that she picks.

My daughter is a new person since the sticker charts. She doesn't even worry about the actual stickers. She just wants to make sure that she's "ON PINK" everyday. ("Mommy, am I on pink?") And, we can negotiate almost anything with her by saying, "Do you want to go down to Purple?" or "Do you want to loose a sticker?". It works great for her.

Then, for the other things that we were constantly struggling over (like staying in bed at night), we are doing the Love and Logic methods. It really teaches you amazing techniques to diffuse almost every argument (negotiation) with your kiddo!

Good luck! I've been there and come out the other side!

K.

I also have a very strong-willed child and, having survived the teenage years, I will tell you that Dr. Dobson's Strong-Willed Child did nothing to help me. You need to go to the bookstore and buy the book called "Back in Control." Trust me, when your child reaches the teen years, you will be glad you had the advantage of this book!

My daughter is dealing with this issue right now with her 4-year old. It is all about control. On both fronts. I also suggested to my daughter to give the child choices. She was frustrated because she was late to work because my granddaughter refused to wear anything my daughter laid out for her. I told her to lay out three outfits and tell my granddaughter she needed to choose one of them. That way she will feel like she is making a decision, but my daughter will be choosing appropriate clothing for the weather and situation.