My 17 year old came home tonight, past curfew, totally wasted. She was falling over drunk. Her friend (who was sober) brought her home and apologized multiple times for letting her drink so much. I am really glad she has a friend who was watching out for her when she was making bad choices. I know that teenage drinking is not out of the norm. I'm not naive, and I have talked with her multiple times about drinking and drugs, letting her know our expectations, but I know that she is going to make her own decisions. I have always expressed to her that above all else, honesty will get you much farther than lying, and that if she screws up, we won't be as hard on her if she is up front about it. So I am way more upset about her lying to us than I am about the drinking itself. Her friend told us that she has been drinking a lot lately, and that she has been lying about where she has been. I am so frustrated that I don't even know what to do at this point. Any advice?
If her friends are concerned to the point of telling you about the things your daughter is doing....then she may have a problem. At 17, friends do not confront parents of their friends unless something major is going on.
I hope she had a bad hangover and you didnt make it easy for her. I remember getting drunk on Boones farm when I was about that age, I barfed in my friends car and they had to carry me up to the door. My mom was pissed and started cooking bacon and eggs and pancakes early that morning which made me puke more along with dry heaves forever. She gave me water, a lecture, grounded me for a month, and I never drank wine again until I was in my 30's.
It's dangerous if she's already been doing it for awhile, I would take away all privileges immediately.... and if that doesnt help, then drag her to some AA meetings and make her listen to the stories.
You need to find a good counselor. She needs someone to talk to without judgement or consequence. Our kids have a lot more stress than I ever feeling at that age. Kids have so much expectations thrown at them and some parents want there kids to be good at everything so they push in academics, sports, being popular. And then there is the pressure their peers throw at them. You need to find a counselor that specializes with adolescents. One of my friends took her son and the family went too. It really helped them out. I have a son 17 and it hasn't always bee perfect but he has a curfew and if he breaks it he does not go out the next time he wants. He understands if he doesn't want to respect our rules he knows where the door is. Obviously it's not all about discipline. It's having a good relationship with your kids too. It is very hard being a parent to a teenager let alone a teenage girl. (I also have a 15 year old girl). Her and I are going to counseling and it has helped me more than her I think. It has shown me how she takes advantage of me. He's also helping her see her behavior versus what her planned outcome is. I highly recommend it. It also helps with the guilt us parents feel.
IT IS TIME FROM YOU TO BE A PARENT AND NOT A FRIEND. Take her to an AA meeting and make her talk with someone and listen to the stories. Tell her that she needs to go to at least 5 meetings with you.
To try to create a logical consequence for breaking the law when her teenager came home drunk, my sister called the cops, who came and did a breathalizer test. She had to go to court before a judge, and the judgment she received was doing community service for breaking the law by drinking underage.
to state the obvious, something is going on. If she has a friend expressing concern to the parent AND telling you she's been lying about where she's been that is teen code for there are bigger problems. Coming home drunk MIGHT fall into the kids will be kids category but the friend telling you her behavior has changed and her lying about where she's been sounds like a big red flag.
You can get drug tests from the pharmacy now. Has she dated any jerks lately? Can you pinpoint when she started acting out? IF you can ask the friend without your daughter hearing could you say "you know we've been seeing some issues for 2 weeks but I'm worried it started earlier, what do you think" You may get the "I don't know" but it may be a soft enough opening that she can help pinpoint the timeframe.
I don't know how things work in your house but it sounds like it is time to check her computer, facebook/twitter and cell phone.
K.,
Its obvious you are concerned for your daughter. You mentioned being glad she has a friend watching out for her, but honestly, she wasn't watching out for her. Not that its her responsibility to do so, but if she came home falling over drunk, there was no watching being done. She is going to make her own decisions, but what are the consequences for wrong choices while she's living in your house? What are the consequences for when she misses curfew, let alone for drinking underage? I agree with other posters that she has a drinking problem, but she might not see the seriousness of it that you see. I would encourage you to get counseling together to seek out the root cause. You can have a heart to heart with her that you are concerned about her behaviors, but ultimately, you will have to set some clear boundaries. What will happen if this continues? Would you even "turn her in" for breaking the law by drinking? This sounds severe, but what is the wake up call worth? Are you willing to not let her go "out" with friends for a while? Are you willing to keep the boundaries when she gets mad about it? Raising kids is hard. I hope something good will come out of it for you and her.
