11Th Hour Mediation (Kinda Long)

I think everyone needs to accept a little blame in this. She overstepped by speaking on behalf of her husband. He's a big boy and should have talked for himself. You shouldn't have been a jerk back because text wars are stupid for anyone over 12 yrs old.

She didn't call your mother because she was upset; she called your mother because she knew it could cause more drama. Same with telling Kyle. Yes she made it seem like you were a jerk to her and got everyone on her side.

Here's the thing; the more you dwell on this the more it'll drive you crazy. You apologized. She didn't accept. She doesn't have to. At this point Kyle will be heading off to college and his life will totally change so your relationship with him will change too. Just continue to support him reaching out to stay involved in his life and don't worry about his dad and his step mom.

Medication at this point? Waste of money. You aren't dealing with a small child. You don't really need to have a relationship with this man or his wife to be involved with your son. Remember you handed his child over to him to raise while you got your life together. It sounds like he did a great job raising a strong young man. His wife helped.

This is a whole 'he said/she said' argument - and just so 'high school'.
Listening in to personal calls (and then talking/gossiping about them - and to drag your mom into it on top of everything else?) really seems like a line has been crossed - I mean, exactly how paranoid is this lady?
How about everybody (specifically you and your ex and your child) just meet in person (everyone put all the phones/devices down) and TALK to each other?
Your son has only 2 years before he's an adult.

SHE SAYS your husband doesn't want to talk to you.
Well, seeing as you and he have a child together - that's never really going to happen - whether she (or he) likes it or not - you have a bond through your child and that will always be there - AND - you both have to and should talk to each other about your child.

I'm not sure what exactly mediation would do for you or anyone.
What exactly needs to be mediated, the lack of privacy of parent/child communication?
Family therapy might help.
Somebody somewhere has a screw loose, there might be more than one, and I'm not sure who exactly - and adding a therapist/counselor into the mix has got to be a plus.

Accept that they are not interested. I don't know what you were arguing about (you left that out) but obviously it's upset them all. Your son is old enough to decide how he feels. A mediator will not help them change their feelings.

I am assuming they felt your calls with Kyle were not healthy, or somewhat dysfunctional if they listen in. That's not cool - but you make them sound reasonable otherwise. So I'm going to guess they had concerns.

You sound kind of paranoid actually (shore up defences?). Maybe stepmom called your mother and husband out of concern for you? Either that, or she really did overstep.

I'm just guessing. We're only getting one side of the story.

Here's an example from the other side. My MIL overstepped very badly in our lives years ago. We asked to just not have contact for a while. She couldn't handle that so she threatened to sue us (she's not very savvy when it comes to that stuff). From our perspective, it just meant she couldn't respect our need for some space. It made matters worse.

Give it time. Let it go for now.

If he were a little kid where you had to talk to dad a lot I would do more but he's almost an adult. I'd say let it go and don't contact him anymore. You have a son who you need to work on a relationship for now. He's moving out and starting a whole new life.

Dad doesn't need to be part of your life ever again. Ignore him and tell Kyle if he, Kyle, wants you to come to an event or activity or pay for something then he, himself, needs to talk to you about it. That he's grown up and it's his job to ask you for anything that he wants from you. Then never speak to dad again unless you have to. And don't speak to her. She sounds like she sort of went off the deep end or something. Don't apologize, they were invading your privacy. Unless you have mental issues and say crazy things to your son where he feared you or something they had no right to listen in. He's old enough to hang up the phone if he doesn't want to talk to you.

What is it that you are considering mediating? You didn't really say. If someone is suggesting mediation, it means there is an issue you are trying to amicably resolve, and reading your post it's not clear to me what that issue is.

You began by saying that you had a verbal agreement for your son to stay with his dad for 3 years, but now it's been 4. Then later you mentioned that Dad has petitioned to stop paying child support (logical, since the child lives with him, and I'm surprised he's been paying all of these last 4 years! unless it was repayment only for back support/arrears owed?). Then you talk about an argument you've had with the step-mom, but don't say what the argument was...only how she went about spreading the discord that resulted.

What aren't you saying here? What is the mediation supposed to resolve? Hurt feelings? That's not normally what a mediation is about. If he has the child living with him, and you don't plan to try to force him to move back with you, what is the actual problem?

It would be helpful to know if you want to know whether mediation could be beneficial.

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After your added information, I would just suggest you talk to his dad directly, and do not go through the step mom at all anymore. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to you. Maybe it's just her not wanting you to talk to him. Who knows. But if he doesn't accept your calls, then forget him, too, and talk to your son only. You said you do not have any formal custody papers, but you *do* have legal court orders regarding support, correct? Operating under the assumption that there is no requirement for either of you to contribute to college expenses, then I don't see the necessity to discuss schools with the dad. Sure, it would be logical and nice, and make things easier, and be smoother and simpler for your son... but it isn't *necessary*. What will be necessary is for your son to communicate with you. He may not realize it now, he's only 16 after all. But when it comes time to PAY for his schooling, and submit his FAFSA information, he will HAVE to have information from you. And if he continues his education into college, he will need financial means or loans, and I'm sure he will be counting on you for those things, at least some help anyway, also. He may not understand the ins and outs of out-of-state tuition and the like, yet, either, but he will. And you can help him in your discussions WITH HIM. His Dad may be having these conversations with him also, and if so, GREAT! But you don't have to talk with dad. Just your son. Ultimately, what he decides to do after high school will be up to HIM. Not you and his dad.

(Unless, I have misunderstood somehow, and you were referring to schools for his junior and/or senior year of high school?)

I'm not sure a mediation is warranted just to discuss things that you haven't yet discussed, and that you (parents) don't have the final say in anyway. Once he turns 18 (17 in some states) he's a legal adult and HE decides what he's doing, if he's going to school, what school, if he takes out loans, how he's going to pay for things. Just talk to him. But understand that when you talk to him, he's still 16, and may feel like it's a long way away and not a major priority *right this minute*, or that he thinks he's got it under control. Don't treat him like a child, just let him know that it's getting closer to the time he has major decisions to make about his life after high school, and that if he intends to pursue higher education, you'd like to stay in the loop with him so you can know how you can help, either with questions, finances, or information he needs to file forms/paperwork. Stay open and interested and try not to sound too *motherly*. That's my advice generally with teens this age. They think they know everything and have it all under control and don't need Mom and Dad. And if they do need advice, they often tend to head to dads first, b/c dad's tend to not treat them like their little boy babies like moms have a tendency to do (unconsciously). I have an 18 year old. This applies even to me. So please don't think I'm accusing you of anything. It's just how teen boys think/behave when trying to separate themselves from parents and growing into men.